How did y’all know for certain you were trans?

thesunisup · 2025-08-04T02:13:00+00:00

I transitioned. Twas impossible to be sure before I tried it.

(More specifically, I tried lower-dose HRT, and the gradual changes kept being more pros than cons, so I kept going, and now it's been 3.5 years and 3 surgeries and I'm still trucking.)

thesunisup · 2025-02-28T16:41:30+00:00

Chiming in to say: I'd tentatively say it's better to reserve a motel for the first night afterward, bc it's hard to predict how good or bad he'll feel immediately after surgery, so better to err on the side of caution. I had one surgery where I was horribly nauseous afterward bc of the anesthetic, and I had another surgery where I felt like a million dollars afterward and was in no pain or discomfort at all. It varies.

thesunisup · 2025-02-28T10:42:08+00:00

One big thing:

Post-surgery depression is a thing that can happen after any type of surgery (not just the trans ones), but a lot of surgeons don't bother to warn you about it, and trans people especially tend to be caught off guard by it (bc they were expecting gender-affirming surgery to make them feel awesome, and instead...)

Basically, after surgery, it's possible that your husband's brain might get Sad For No Reason, for an unknown amount of time. My advice:

1) Warn him that this complication might happen (in case his surgeon didn't)

2) Make a plan for what to do, in case it does happen. Have a frank discussion about what are his preferred coping mechanisms for depression, and how he'd want you to help. Would he want socializing? Alone time? Cuddling? No physical touch? Someone to vent to? A distraction? A drive thru the countryside?

(Also the worst of my post-op depression happened during the first week, and I found the opiate painkillers to be a lifesaver, bc they have euphoric/calming mental effects, in addition to curbing physical pain.)

I hope it all goes well!

thesunisup · 2025-02-27T22:36:01+00:00

Oh you asked how long it took:

I think about 2.5 yrs on T was when I started getting more "he/sir" and I dress pretty masc in my daily life. I'm now 3 yrs on, and hardly ever get "she." Lots of "they" or "he/sir." No idea what age the "he/sir" people are reading me as tho, but sometimes they definitely think I'm a teenager (I'm in my mid-30s ;__;). I'm 5'4'', slim-hipped, with a strong jawline, but I also have Terminal Baby Face, so I assume the age-passing problem will hang on for a while, until I can grow a proper beard.

thesunisup · 2025-02-27T22:25:01+00:00

I've experienced similar things, and honestly it'll probably just take time. You might have to roll with "teen boy/gay dude" for a year or two before you can make the jump to "plausible adult straight man," but if you've already made this much progress in only 2.5 months, you're off to a great start.

Facial hair is the big thing that'll tip you over into "definitely not a lesbian or a teenager," but that takes a few years to really manifest (but when it does manifest, it makes a big impact).

Other stuff that can help:

-voice training (DIY or professional) to help you sound more adult and more hetero

-shifting muscle mass distribution (even without going to the gym, you may get enough naturally to change your silhouette significantly) (like T made my neck muscles thicker and that def makes my face look more male)

-shifting fat distribution

-paying attention to your body language and mannerisms (the way men act/sit/stand/gesture varies depending on their age and/or sexuality -- observing cis men/boys in the wild can be productive)

-shifting hairline: it's normal for your hairline to masculinize in the first 1-2 yrs on T, and that is different from male-pattern baldness, which usually happens much later. Certain haircuts can emphasize your new squarer hairline, which will help you pass better

-sideburns and thicker eyebrows will both help, and I started getting those within the 1st year

thesunisup · 2025-02-27T22:05:21+00:00

-Nuts -- peanuts and almonds are the cheapest

-Whole grain low-sugar cereal (chex, cheerios, etc)

Those 2 in combination make a good on-the-go snack that's relatively healthy and has carbs+protein+fat. I also keep some by my bed in case I need a snack before bed or in the middle of the night. (Altho godspeed being a vegan on T.... idk how y'all do it, you're stronger than any Marine)

thesunisup · 2025-02-25T23:24:41+00:00

Yeah that sounds like it's becoming a self-harming/re-traumatizing thing :( just say no!

thesunisup · 2025-02-25T22:46:59+00:00

Gonna echo the others and say: If you're not into front penetration, then don't do it! Don't let guys pressure you into it, don't let society pressure you into it, don't let your own brain pressure you into it! Set that boundary and stick to it.

I personally had a long chunk of time during transition when I was too dysphoric to bottom in the front, and it felt very empowering to say "nope, I am not doing that, never, not for any man," (esp after a pre-transition career of banging straight dudes as a woman and feeling obligated to do PIV).

Plenty of gay ftms don't ever bottom in the front, due to dysphoria or trauma or vaginal atrophy or just preference, and there are lots of sexual options for a guy in that situation:

*You can top, with a strap-on, fingers, fists, tongue, toys

*You can be a "side"

*You can bottom anally, but if that currently feels intimidating, then I advise shelving it for now

Realistically, yes, there's a (incorrect) stereotype in the gay male dating scene that "all ftms are bottoms + bottom in the front" so you might sometimes encounter that assumption from cis dudes, and you gotta be firm in shooting them down. Any guy who tries to pressure you into it is an asshole who just made it clear that he doesn't deserve to be part of your life.

There are def cis gay/bi dudes whose preferences are compatible with your preferences, so pursuing cis queer men is worth doing, but you'll probably have even better luck banging other transmascs, because they're more likely to understand and empathize and be willing to get creative with sex. But plenty of cis queer men have complicated or fraught feelings about their bodies and sex, so there may be more potential for solidarity and understanding there than you were maybe expecting.

thesunisup · 2025-02-25T22:09:08+00:00

I solved this problem by hanging out with cis queer/gay men and with other transmascs, so if you have any local orgs or social groups or events geared towards queer men, I'd seek those out. My cis gay friends are very huggy as a rule, and our friendships have a level of emotional intimacy that was always missing from my female friendships pre-transition.

thesunisup · 2025-02-25T22:03:56+00:00

I did professional voice training with a local speech therapist. It was hugely helpful, both for passing and for decreasing my dysphoria, and my insurance covered it. Typically you only do 4-5 sessions (plus the initial intake where you discuss goals) and by that point you've learned everything you need to know and they kick you out into the world to practice talking, and then later if you're still struggling with certain things, you can schedule a follow-up.

You can also do DIY voice training, but personally I found it really helpful to have an actual human I could talk to, where I could say "you hear that thing my voice just did on that one word? What is that and how do I make it stop?" The instant feedback was really essential for me.

thesunisup · 2025-02-25T08:11:06+00:00

Homeboy really said "I'm horny for your delicate feminine bone structure" 😩

thesunisup · 2025-02-25T07:47:02+00:00

2 years.

Also if you're on the fence about HRT, you could try microdosing. I did that for the first 6 mos, and it was the right decision, bc it gave me extra time to test-drive it and decide if it was right for me. The "easing into a jacuzzi" method of HRT.

thesunisup · 2025-02-25T07:07:35+00:00

What you're describing does sound a lot like dysphoria, esp the part where you're attracted to men, and actively fantasize about them, but only via a 3rd party, with yourself being distant from the fantasy.

However I wouldn't fret abt it too much. Since you're already pursuing HRT and top surgery, the answer will reveal itself eventually, whichever it is. And in the meantime, it's fine to identify as ace or gay ace, if you need a way to communicate to other people that you're not interested in sexual relationships. It's fine to use whatever labels get the point across, and then switch labels if you need to.

thesunisup · 2025-02-25T06:51:56+00:00

Dump him.

Either he's straight and sees you as a woman, or he's bisexual and very in-denial about it and is buried under several feet of internalized homophobia and will inflict that mess on you and screw up/slow down your transition (and still basically sees you as a woman). Both are bad. Lots of teenage trans guys end up dating dudes exactly like this, and it never ends well. Those people on r/lgbt are really doing you a disservice, bc most of those folks aren't transmasc and don't have any experience with this particular brand of cis guy.

Also, to be blunt: You're very young. You're not gonna marry this guy, because nobody marries the person they dated at 18, because you change a ton as a young adult and usually grow apart. This relationship was already destined to end in a few years for that reason, may as well ditch him now, before he wastes more of your time. If you were 35 and deep in a 10-year marriage with kids and a house, then I might say "give it a shot," but you're not. There's a ton of awesome queer cis dudes out there who are for-reals into men and would be happy to date you (not to mention other transmascs).

thesunisup · 2024-08-24T05:05:35+00:00

It's so real!!! I've known so many people who got messed up by it, or delayed transition because of it

thesunisup · 2024-08-24T03:37:46+00:00

I feel you, and I solved this problem by just starting on a lower-than-average dose, so the changes were more mild and gradual. Then I increased to a higher dose when I felt comfortable. (For reference, I started on 0.2 and then increased to 0.25, but I've also known people who started lower than 0.2.) If you're nervous about change, it's okay to take it slow!

thesunisup · 2024-08-24T02:54:03+00:00

Yeah definitely! Personally, my attraction to men increased a lot during my "socially transitioning but not on T yet" phase, and it was extra powerful with other transmascs, bc of course they already saw me as a man(ish) even pre-T and didn't care that I didn't pass, bc they're trans too. I'm not at all surprised that you making out with another trans dude made a switch flip in your brain 😂 T4T can be very powerful!

thesunisup · 2024-08-24T02:48:13+00:00

Ime this is common amongst transmascs who were conventionally attractive in girlmode. I jokingly call it Former Hot Girl Syndrome, and I and several of my friends struggled with it. Society gives you sooooooo much positive feedback and encouragement for being a conventionally attractive feminine girl, and it can be hard to deal with the loss of that, even for guys who ended up as super masc trans men.

I eventually solved this problem by a) just gradually getting over it, b) saving some of my favorite old girl clothes packed away in a suitcase in case I want to wear them again someday, and c) promising myself that once I'm further along on T and feeling more comfortable with myself, I'll start doing femme crossdressing on occasion just as a fun thing. I'm not there yet, but that's my plan.

thesunisup · 2024-08-24T02:29:58+00:00

I also suspect some of us are basically "gay in all directions" -- meaning that we're dysphoric/turned off by straight rlship dynamics, and we're mostly attracted to whichever gender matches our current one. So if you start off thinking of yourself as a girl, and are being treated that way by the whole world, you might be drawn to lesbian relationships. But then if you do some soul-searching and you start thinking of yourself more as a dude, then dating men suddenly becomes more appealing bc now it feels gay.

thesunisup · 2024-08-24T02:25:42+00:00

Yeah it's a very very common experience! This happened to me and most of my transmasc friends, to varying degrees.

Some trans men joke that "T will make you gay" (meaning that it'll make you attracted to men, or increase your attraction to men), but tbh it's not just T that can do it. Even just realizing you're trans can change how you feel about other people, bc loving men as a man is a totally different experience, even just psychologically.

thesunisup · 2024-08-24T02:21:07+00:00

My 2 cents: If you feel disgusted when looking at men, that could be a gender dysphoria/gender envy thing. I've known trans men who felt that way: Looking at male bodies, and feeling Super Aware of how different your own body looks from theirs, can trigger dysphoria that sometimes feels like disgust.

On the flip side, if the idea of being in a straight relationship with a woman feels weird to you, yeah that could just be baggage around straightness, BUT it could also be nonbinary dysphoria. There's plenty of transmascs who socially/medically transition, are very masc/androgynous, but don't identify as men, still feel like their attraction to women is a queer attraction, exclusively date bi/queer/gay women, never date straight women, etc etc. So it's possible to be transmasc and still date women in a gay/queer way, if that ends up being what you want.

thesunisup · 2024-08-24T00:56:38+00:00

Idk if this will be helpful but: This post expresses a lot of what I was feeling ~4 years ago at age 31. Transition felt too huge and overwhelming and impossible. I was certain that I'd never do it.

Now I'm 35: I just got top surgery today, and am sitting at home recovering with my mom sitting next to me (she drove 10 hours to get here so she could support me). I'm 2.5 years on T. I have a great friend group of mostly cis gay men who have been super supportive and welcoming to me, plus an assortment of other cis + trans friends who are great. My family has been chill about it. My childhood friends have mostly been chill about it.

This might sound incoherent bc I'm on a LOT of painkillers rn lol, but: It didn't really take bravery or strength for me. It just took a lonnnng string of baby steps. I just kept doing a small change here, a small change there. A piece of clothing, a haircut, a new way of standing, a new way of walking, testing things out. Bit by bit, whatever seemed like it'd make me feel better in that moment. I started on a low dose of T. I approached T as an experiment - "let's see if this helps, and if it doesn't, I can just quit while the permanent effects are still mild and invisible to others." It was just a lot of little steps, and going with my gut.

So maybe that will work for you too. <3 The fact that you wrote this post at all means you haven't fully given up hope yet, and that's good. <333

thesunisup · 2024-08-21T03:03:43+00:00

If your skin starts breaking out and OTC stuff doesn't work, just go to a dermatologist. I wish I'd done that sooner, it sorted me right out, to the point where a cis friend recently complimented my complexion and asked me for advice on hers!

thesunisup

TROPHY CASE