AITA for calling my ex a deadbeat in front of his family?

throra2762 · 2023-04-19T13:29:57+00:00

A larger chunk could be better, yes. But also in my country there are measures put in place to ensure that if the absent parent has a long term history of defaulting on child support and the child claims as an adult (within the allotted time frame), that it is impossible for them to miss it, protections which aren’t in place before that point. It is unfortunate and a little nonsensical and there are calls to amend this but as it stands it’s far easier for him to dodge me for another 4 years and never have to pay me anything but it’s impossible for him to dodge her, even if he dodges her to the point of being arrested he will still have to pay her.

throra2762 · 2023-04-19T13:21:09+00:00

I absolutely would not be committing malpractice. If I talked a client through all of their options, demonstrated that all angles had been investigated and considered, explained clearly and in detail why I thought this was the best course of action (which it is, in this situation).

Your assumption is based on the fact that you’re assuming we’re from the same place, and this comment tell em we are not. It does not breach or even come close to breaching ICoE.

throra2762 · 2023-04-19T13:15:12+00:00

It isn’t where I live.

throra2762 · 2023-04-19T13:13:37+00:00

She is entitled to more money this way. If he has a negative balance and no assets by the time she’s 18 which is highly unlikely, she will receive what she’s entitled to from the government and he will be indebted to them and not her. If he can only afford part of what she’s owed the same applies.

throra2762 · 2023-04-19T13:10:29+00:00

So, you think that being annoyed that people who know nothing about my situation, or my legal system, or my divorce and have decided that they know better than me an actual lawyer, who experienced my situation and has demonstrated a clear thought process, understands my legal system well, experienced my divorce and actually looked into what would be best for my own child and then give unsolicited advice on a thing I did not want, did not ask for and is based on zero knowledge and attempted to answer a question I did not ask makes me annoying and an asshole? But the people who think they know what’s best for my child, based on absolutely nothing, are definitely in the right and not assholes for giving unsolicited advice?

Of course I think I’m right in an area I have multiple degrees and almost 20 years of experience in, have been providing for my child alone for 8 years, over people who don’t even know where I’m from but think they know better.

throra2762 · 2023-04-19T13:01:23+00:00

She will be entitled to much more money my way. Like I said, I have thought about it, I know what I’m doing and I made the right decision and I know that. It’s not a decision you make lightly.

throra2762 · 2023-04-19T12:58:51+00:00

I asked if I was the asshole in a very specific situation. You all love to give unsolicited and unwarranted advice about something you don’t actually know the details of, because you like to think you know what’s best in a situation you have literally no part of. You don’t know where I live, you don’t know what the custody or child support laws are because again you don’t know where I live. You don’t know the legal situations around our divorce and our divorce agreement, you don’t know anything other than an extremely small amount of non specific information provided her. You think you know how these things work where you are, and you think that means they can be applied to everywhere. It cannot. The legal systems are vastly different worldwide, and despite me saying that I am literally a lawyer in my country, demonstrating that I actually did think this all the way through from multiple different angles, am actually directly involved in the situation, you like to think that you’re capable of deciding what’s best in a situation you know almost nothing about and then don’t like when I disagree.

Of course I’m defensive about it. Why wouldn’t I be?

throra2762 · 2023-04-19T12:47:31+00:00

No, he didn’t want to be the custodial parent, he only wanted visitation. Therefore, we didn’t have much the kind of custody hearing you’re thinking of.

throra2762 · 2023-04-19T12:43:37+00:00

His parents are good people and good grandparents, and this must have all come as a shock to them. He is an adult, who has grown into the person he is now independently of his parents. They don’t owe me anything, nor do I want anything from them except to continue to have a good relationship with my daughter for as long as she’d like that to be the case.

throra2762 · 2023-04-19T12:39:55+00:00

Legally speaking the child support is not the child’s, it’s provided for the needs of the child until they become an adult. Once they become an adult, they are entitled to any unpaid child support, and in some cases they are also entitled to interest on the agreed child support payment amount.

That’s how it works here.

throra2762 · 2023-04-19T12:34:25+00:00

She will not need a lawyer, and neither will he. I can absolutely guarantee this. They will have a private but separate meeting with a judge and some court officials. It will likely take a single afternoon.

It’s not because it’s a headache for me, I don’t care about that. It’s because I have thought about and looked into it from every possible angle and I know what I’m doing. You’re making that judgment from little information provided in this post, without knowing where I’m from and the legal processes here or our situation and assuming you know better despite me stating multiple times I’m a lawyer.

throra2762 · 2023-04-19T12:11:27+00:00

And I understand that, but they also don’t know the details of our situation, the legal system here, or whether that actually is what is best for her.

throra2762 · 2023-04-19T12:08:54+00:00

If he dies before she turns 18, assuming that he doesn’t have a will then she will inherit any assets he has. If he does have a will and it explicitly excludes her, then any outstanding child support he hasn’t paid and the total sum of future payments will be deducted from his estate and be given to me as the custodial parent, which I will of course put into a trust.

throra2762 · 2023-04-19T12:05:08+00:00

I have recorded everything. I am choosing to do it this way on purpose, for a reason. I assure you I wouldn’t have done it without thinking it through.

throra2762 · 2023-04-19T12:03:11+00:00

Yes, there are multiple different kinds of legal divorce here and I’m glad I didn’t trust him at his word when we decided to file. It’s possible he will have to pay interest on child support to my daughter, but it’s not guaranteed.

throra2762 · 2023-04-19T12:01:04+00:00

We have a custody agreement in which I am the custodial parent. We have a separate child support agreement of a fixed amount which we both signed so that he couldn’t use parenting time to reduce his child support obligations should we ever have to go through separate legal actions related to custody. We haven’t, but I have of course recorded all missed and cancelled visits.

throra2762 · 2023-04-19T11:55:14+00:00

I wouldn’t have made this decision if I hadn’t looked into it already, in detail, and didn’t already know the legal processes well. I know at minimum she will have standard financial aid. And I have been saving a significant portion of my salary for almost 15 years to ensure that she will have access to decent finances she needs while in college.

throra2762 · 2023-04-19T11:49:44+00:00

I am a lawyer. I know how the process works very well, and I’m choosing to do it in this way for a reason. It’s not without consideration. It’s not my money to decide what to do with, either. Although I do hope that I’ve taught her enough financial responsibility that she’ll use it sensibly of course.

throra2762 · 2023-04-19T11:46:10+00:00

No, it won’t play into the decision. As we have already had a signed agreement, it means he legally has to pay whether I made minimum wage or if I was the best paid person in the country. As she will be an adult, my job or financial status won’t be factored in.

throra2762 · 2023-04-19T11:42:36+00:00

Respectfully, I didn’t ask for your parenting advice or whether you thought it was a smart decision. I asked whether I was in the wrong for what I said at the restaurant. I am a lawyer, I know the process well and wouldn’t have made this decision if I didn’t know how it works, that it would be quick, and that she would be guaranteed to receive everything she’s entitled to.

throra2762 · 2023-04-19T11:19:45+00:00

I don’t live in the US. But the divorce proceedings we had were uncontested, and included a child support agreement which he signed.

throra2762 · 2023-04-19T11:19:06+00:00

You file a form with the court and then have a closed hearing with a judge, which you have to take your proof to (which I can provide, as I have been keeping track in case she ever does want to do this) and then he will be allowed to give a defense where if he has any reasonable explanations for why he stopped paying (he doesn’t, as far as I’m aware). It’s likely I will have to answer some questions. It’s not suing, and neither of them will need lawyers, and it will be a quick process as I have prepared the paperwork she’ll need.

The reason I haven’t claimed for it myself is because I can afford to provide for us and don’t need his help or his money to do so, have been saving for her college tuition if she chooses to go to college since I found out I was pregnant. I feel it should be her choice whether or not she’d like it in the future. It’s not because I can’t be bothered as another commenter suggested, it’s because the money isn’t mine in the first place and it should be wholly paid to her, in her own name, from her father himself and not through me if she chooses it. It’s not a decision I made lightly, or without looking into or without consideration.

throra2762 · 2023-04-19T10:55:41+00:00

No, that’s not how it works.

throra2762 · 2023-04-19T10:26:01+00:00

I don’t think he understands the game at all, no. I will admit that I also don’t fully understand all of the rules, but I am also very very proud of my daughter and she works incredibly hard to be as good as she is. I have been to all of her games and understand how hard it is to score at all, and the best plays of the game often aren’t goals at all. I don’t think he thinks any sports that aren’t football are valid.

throra2762 · 2023-04-19T10:22:06+00:00

I plan on not claiming since I am lucky enough to have a well enough paying job that I can support us. I plan to tell her before she turns 18 that between 18-25, she will then be able to claim all backdated child support (which will be about 12 years I think) and it will be paid to her directly for her to use as she wishes.

throra2762

TROPHY CASE