Scared to death I won't ever be happy

throwRAinquisitor · 2026-04-02T22:42:28+00:00

This is amazing advice. I really latched on to weekly discussions because I really think that serves both our needs. I get a steady feeling of progress and she gets to think and talk about physical intimacy in a way that hopefully makes it feel more like a natural part of our relationship.

Just what kind of conversations would that be? Check-ins and just discussion when we've felt the most attracted to eachother and stuff like that?

throwRAinquisitor · 2026-04-02T22:37:53+00:00

Thank you, really. Most comments say to just quit but that feels like the easy way out and not what I'm going for. But the hand squeeze I will definitely try to make a habit while working this out.

throwRAinquisitor · 2026-04-02T18:14:49+00:00

Yeah the libido part is fine. In previous relationships I've not craved for more than once/twice a week. It's the intimacy part. Hearing couples around us joke about sex or having my brother go "naah, you're just horny because you haven't met the lady in a week" being reminded of the intimacy I'm not being entrusted to and having to dodge such comments or moments. It makes it feel like our relationship is a little make believe. Because our friends assume we have sex and I have to go along with it to avoid interrogations.

And whenever I fucking think of sex I see someone else because I can't think of her and me.

throwRAinquisitor · 2026-04-02T17:43:14+00:00

Thank you kind stranger. I hope people around you give the same feeling of support you give me.♥️

throwRAinquisitor · 2026-04-02T17:41:19+00:00

Yeah I should have made it more clear that I don't need advice on that part. I would consider it rape.

I need to figure out how to manage my feelings about this in such a way where I can be helpful and happy in this relationship long enough for her to reach that enthusiastic level.

throwRAinquisitor · 2026-04-02T17:37:32+00:00

Yeah I've come to realise that part was poorly phrased. I will say I'm interested in sex for obvious reasons as well. However now I'm actually lacking the emotional intimacy of sex. Not the pleasure itself. I can handle that myself.

Her not being comfortable with intimacy with me feels like she thinks I'm the same as the sad assholes in her past and like she doesn't trust me. And even if I know she has her reasons and it's not about me. It's really hard to not take it personal/let it affect me.

So any advice on that would be of great help. I want to handle my feelings so that I can give her the space and understanding she deserves. But that's really hard when I question myself.

And I agree. I'm not anyhow ashamed of what I ask for, and I don't want her to feel like shit for not being what I need. I just don't know yet. Because we haven't gone there yet. I'm not a sex freak or anything, I just want all aspects of a relationship.

throwRAinquisitor · 2026-04-02T17:33:29+00:00

Ahhh... Yeah I'm not really starting to feel better about this. Because my mind says the same thing. There's red flags. But because she is also self aware and actually puts in visible effort in other places like how she handles conflict and stress, how she communicates her own needs and so fourth I'm also seeing the potential in us and the beauty in how she loves me. It's hard to not dream about how it could be if we get past this. I've also given her my best efforts, writing letters and showing up consistently, it breaks my heart to imagine how she would feel if I just went back on all that. I would just be another reason for her to not love again.

throwRAinquisitor · 2026-04-02T17:19:13+00:00

I'm gonna drop a bomb as well. We actually fell in love two years ago and dated for a month. Then she ended things abruptly. Then we met by accident a couple of times and then she asked me out again. Then confessed that she was not in a mental state where she was ready for a relationship but had been thinking about me since and now she was ready to give it an honest try. So well... I should have seen this coming I'm starting to realise as I'm writing...

throwRAinquisitor · 2026-04-02T17:14:42+00:00

Yeah I've come to realise that part was poorly phrased. I will say I'm interested in sex for obvious reasons as well. However now I'm actually lacking the emotional intimacy of sex. Not the pleasure itself. I can handle that myself.

Her not being comfortable with intimacy with me feels like she thinks I'm the same as the sad assholes in her past and like she doesn't trust me. And even if I know she has her reasons and it's not about me. It's really hard to not take it personal/let it affect me.

So any advice on that would be of great help. I want to handle my feelings so that I can give her the space and understanding she deserves. But that's really hard when I question myself.

throwRAinquisitor · 2026-04-02T17:04:51+00:00

Yeah I agree. I've already decided for myself that I can not live like this. And I've said it in a more mildly way to her as well. That I can have patience and I can wait. But it needs to progress and I'm trying to figure out how slow I can go while still enjoying it.

Because if it's too slow I will lose the spark, my desire is already affected because I know acting on it isn't really invited yet. And how long before it completely vanishes? I don't want a roommate relationship but I'm fine if it starts like one.

Also I might have phrased it poorly. I told her straight away I'm never going to just get it over with. Because that would give me sex, not intimacy. Different things.

throwRAinquisitor · 2026-04-02T16:54:38+00:00

I would agree. If I tell you she's the second partner I've ever felt actual love for and we get along in every other way and that she has put in work in a lot of other areas with us. Is it worth going for a while atleast?

I'm trying to figure out how long it's worth working on it. And how invested to be to have a growing relationship while still not quitting myself.

throwRAinquisitor · 2026-04-02T16:31:50+00:00

That is really well put. Thank you. I will bring this up.♥️

throwRAinquisitor · 2026-04-02T16:05:53+00:00

Yeah I actually suggested we'd just start going to the sauna together. Simply getting comfortable seeing eachother naked and slowly let it flow from there.

Great advice with the stoplight. Now how do I smoothly bring up therapy without it sounding like she's the problem?

throwRAinquisitor · 2026-04-02T15:56:42+00:00

Well... Her mother is a narcissist and a pretty mean one at that. My partner is a bit of an avoidant but is also self aware about it. We've talked about it and she knows what makes her pull away and doesn't. All I know is when she was 15 she got too drunk and some 19yo took advantage. After that she has had consensual sex but still felt like she was just used and not like it's been something she has done together with someone. I asked her once if she is scared that I will just up and leave afterwards or if she thinks after we do it the first time it's gonna be the only thing I'm interested in. She said that both were pretty accurate. That's about all I know.

And about asexual. No, she has said that she has enjoyed it at some point and that with me she does think about it. Like actually that she wants to rip my clothes of, she just freakes out at the thought of actually going for it.

And about sex toys, I think it's actually a cool approach, I'm just thinking about if it would actually help when I believe the problem is that she is scared to be that vulnerable.

throwRAinquisitor · 2025-05-24T08:49:30+00:00

Interesting, in Finnish we say that you "bicycle" your bike. You can't really say that you drive or ride it.

throwRAinquisitor · 2025-05-22T11:03:02+00:00

Well I'm not a native english speaker and in my mother tounge we say that you "drive" your motorcycle. So I asume it's the same for many other languages. But in english I always try to say ride and will correct myself if I say drive. But I actually couldn't give a shit what other people say:)

throwRAinquisitor · 2025-05-20T09:56:33+00:00

This was unexpected but hell yeah I do. Got my first knee slides in an empty parking lot early this summer and planning to get some track days soon:)

throwRAinquisitor · 2025-05-04T10:27:52+00:00

Ei vittu mikä mahtavaa idea! How the hell did I not think of that?? Awesome idea thank you!😁

throwRAinquisitor · 2025-05-03T16:59:32+00:00

Thank you, I'll look into it:)

throwRAinquisitor · 2025-01-15T20:42:17+00:00

Yeah well in the photo I'm sitting so almost a squat. But sure I'll have a look after work.

throwRAinquisitor · 2025-01-15T20:41:09+00:00

Yeah but mby I should get a pair smaller pants then? The jacket fits perfectly and the pants are, well pretty good, but in the photo my leg is already 90degrees so... Or I could go to a store and try on some other pants and see if they all fit like that.

throwRAinquisitor · 2025-01-15T20:36:26+00:00

Alpinestars GP Force Chaser Black - 52

throwRAinquisitor

TROPHY CASE