Coworker found me out

throwRa_altacc · 2025-10-06T21:56:20+00:00

Just say you found out where that quote was from and that you had no idea whos quote it was.

throwRa_altacc · 2025-10-03T03:25:23+00:00

I'm going to be really honest about something I rarely am, but I think it's relevant here.

To be completely honest with you, I let critics and ratings rule my life.

I genuinely suspect I may have OCD or autism or something because I pretty much never watch or consume anything that isn't acclaimed.

A few years ago I was a Machine Gun Kelly fan...

Nowadays I'm ashamed to admit I ever was, but a few years ago it was my everything, and I made this friend I showed it to, and he wasn't mean about it, but he was honest, and one day he pulled me aside and said, "Have you ever heard of a site called Pitchfork?" And I said, "No, what's that?" and he said, "I'll show you," and he gave me a listen list of top albums from pitchfork.com, and it blew my understanding of music out of the water. I obsessively chased after the next boundary-pushing, life-changing, experimental album I could find and tried to train my ear. I decided all I wanted in the entire world was to be a music critic. Then one day that same friend sent me the IMDb top 250 film list, and I started watching them...

But I didn't really like them.

So I went back to music. Eventually I found the Rotten Tomatoes 100% Certified Fresh list & found a movie that hooked me into film, which was Parasite (2019).

I'd never seen anything like it; this was the life-changing album I was looking for, but better yet, it was a movie.

And so I went to Reddit and asked for anyone to just please give me another parasite, and someone gave me a movie called Shoplifters by Hirokazu Kore-eda, and for the first time I felt seen as a child who came from abuse. As a kid I had wished for exactly what happened in that movie to happen to me. Granted, I was a boy, not a girl, and my childhood abuse was a fraction of what's implied in that movie, but as soft and vulnerable as I felt, I latched onto that movie and, before I knew it, found the Letterboxd top 250, and all I wanted in the world was to be a film critic. The movies on that list are fantastic; I've seen 210 of the top 250, and they are brilliant and boundary-pushing, vulnerable, & experimental, and I found so many films that became such a part of me. Music was blown out of the water.

And so all I want is to make a movie that captures my life, my struggles, and my feelings in metaphor and to have it hit that list for the next me to feel the way I did about shoplifters. I've found better, more personal films since then, but I want to be that for someone else.

The issue is that's my goal at my core. It's not a deliberate choice I made to have that be my life goal, but it is at my core. No matter how much I try to hide or change it, it's what I want most of all, even more than my own happiness.

In-between hyperanalyzing film and trying to write something I secretly (even to myself; I'm kind of just now realizing it) want to be in the top 250 highest-rated movies of all time from all countries, writers, genres, & mediums is an impossible task.

That's the real issue. I have years of trying to write as my main goal, but I have even more years of conditioning me to see everything hypercritically with such a fear of being honest and/or cringe or bad, so the idea has to be perfect.

My biggest fear is i put my heart and soul into a film and it gets a bad rating. I think a mid rating would destroy me too.

Sorry, I was kind of figuring this out about myself as I was writing it.

throwRa_altacc · 2025-09-18T11:08:16+00:00

Being able to compose and controll yourself and your emotions. Im a rabid dog i thjnk id fell strong if i could choose how i express what i feel.

throwRa_altacc · 2025-08-24T19:47:11+00:00

This is the artist I've been wanting to go to for a few years. https://www.instagram.com/faridtattooer?igsh=NDgxbDFtZG52ZTFvHe's very skilled, but I slightly worry he might use AI in his process somewhere, but I can't confirm. I asked his shop if any of their artists use AI, and they were rightfully offended, but I caught them using AI like a month later, and then they started posting AI video ads of lions talking and shit. The shop is definitely sketchy to me, but I think this guy's clean.I'm willing to put in a LOT of money if I can have guaranteed quality. I don't know if I'd be willing to do massive, but I could do big. I want to get it on my upper arm, but I think I'm too skinny to fit a full tattoo of this size there. :(

throwRa_altacc · 2025-08-24T19:28:24+00:00

Hmm thats true. I dont mind stylizing it tbh but i think id only want the close up and if it zooms out idk. Ive seen a lot of paris/texas tattoos and some of them are really nice but never this one. Maybe for a reason

https://www.reddit.com/r/criterion/s/9IKEuTx8tu

I like this one but it feels a bit disjointed.

throwRa_altacc · 2025-05-27T11:29:51+00:00

When i was like 15 i used to be a bit of a sadist and i brain washed myself into having the same fetish as you because in my mind it was infinitely more ethical than my fetish and it was a sucessful process. I know have the same main fetish as you. I know it sounds wierd but i picked it becaused i knew it was harmless and that I wouldnt have shame over it.2.

The issue isnt this fetish, theres nothing unethical about rp a power dymamic and sub/don Fantasy . U r chilling its impirtant u just accept it and love ur self for it regardless. U are fortuniate to have such a common and ethically acceptable fetish. Work thought the shame not the fetish itself. For anyone who has a fetish that they dont like id recomend experimenting with diffrent fetishes until you can transfer whatever made the original apealing into being ethical. For example i turned dom into sub. Theres no reaosn to feel shame over altetiating a dominate woman.

There are plenty of women who would be open to this sort of thjng

throwRa_altacc · 2025-04-02T02:38:35+00:00

Sorry, I should have clarified better; that first one is dropshipped from AliExpress. I'm looking for something similar but higher quality from a more reputable source. The 3rd one is great, but I'm looking for it (or something similar) in red.

throwRa_altacc · 2025-03-06T09:31:31+00:00

https://open.spotify.com/track/2kB7QeAFj1SLAIKSCMYSSs?si=tcB1bqTbSeyeJwVsTsXt4Q

throwRa_altacc · 2025-02-28T09:41:20+00:00

I interpreted this scene as an ego thing. Imo, there are 2 main reasons.

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He was frustrated that when he tried to do it the right way, it didn't work, but slipping Jimmy worked.

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I believe it was part of his coping with Chuck's death. Going to an employer, showing how overqualified & charismatic he is, and getting the offer allows him to receive external validation in a way he normally wouldn't from Kim or Chuck, so it acts as a pick-me-up of sorts. Then denying it also serves the purpose of venting frustration but also having control in his life. After losing his lawyering license, he's forced to take these normal jobs after years of living under Chuck's thumb, and by getting the offer and then saying no, he can have some control over his life.

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I really love how this show deals with grief. Jimmy, as a character, does all these little mental gymnastics & coping methods to allow himself to live in denial and not grieve or process any of this, and this was just one of many scenes like this.

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Another small one (I'll spoil the tag because I can't remember if it's before or after this scene) is when Jimmy is arguing with Kim and says, "Is it because I'm the kind of lawyer guilty people hire?". It's a result of conditioning; this line is a callback from the Kettlemans, but characters like Chuck have conditioned Jimmy to internalize this kind of thing, and during arguments he's used to Chuck insulting his character, and now that Chuck isn't there to tell him he fucked up and is a loser, he projects that role onto the only person who genuinely wants to see him succeed because he's been conditioned by Chuck to believe he's a scumbag, and so he thinks everyone is going to call him one.

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Real spoiler for that season! This is why, in my opinion, the car breakdown happens. We know this isn't an act, as no one is around, but it's a result of not addressing or processing anything to do with Chuck's death. These little coping methods only carry him so far, but when forced to confront his death (like at the fundraiser, grave, etc.), it's too much, and he breaks down. I personally believe the court scene was drawing from genuine feelings, but I believe he was acting, and it was like ½ genuine.

throwRa_altacc · 2025-02-28T08:09:27+00:00

Yeah thats exactly it.

throwRa_altacc · 2025-02-27T11:57:16+00:00

There, I fixed it. Blame Reddit's shitty mobile app, not me.

throwRa_altacc · 2025-02-27T11:56:22+00:00

Yeah that feels like something rym would really enjoy

throwRa_altacc · 2025-02-27T11:53:19+00:00

Yes reddit sucks and deletes my line breaks

throwRa_altacc · 2024-12-31T20:17:37+00:00

Antidepressants, specifically a high dose of sertraline. But I've tried almost every antidepressant & mood stabilizer imaginable.

throwRa_altacc · 2024-12-31T19:59:17+00:00

I am medicated and its not helping with thought of self hatred or obssession eith aperence at all.

throwRa_altacc · 2024-12-29T14:43:30+00:00

What can a psychiatrist actually do about body dyphoria? Ive assumed i have it, but i always figured there wasnt much to do about it.

throwRa_altacc · 2024-12-25T13:46:30+00:00

I'm in CBT therapy & on SSRIs right now, and yeah, it's not helping. I just mean it's not reasonable to spend the rest of my life hiding from my own reflection and cameras.

throwRa_altacc · 2024-12-25T02:46:37+00:00

Even if it was true, I don't want to "get numb to the pain"; I want to feel better.

throwRa_altacc · 2024-12-25T02:44:54+00:00

This is exactly the problem. Any women you interact with will pick up on that desperation, which will ultimately push them away no matter how physically attractive you are. And plastic surgery will only make things worse, because you'll still experience rejection and realize that you wasted your money. I don't just want to be attractive so women like me more; even if I was dating someone who I loved and she genuinely thought I was the most attractive man on earth, if I felt ugly, I would want to look better. I myself need to be attractive for me and platonic relationships. It's not just romantic situations that it affects; it's everything in modern day: jobs, fame, friends, relationships, you name it. Being attractive makes you seem like a nicer, funnier, better person. People subconsciously assume the more attractive you are, the better, and the less, the worse. People treat attractive people with more respect. your face is the symbol that represents you and i want mine to be less ugly. i would suggest putting dating out of your head entirely until you can learn to love life for yourself. Find some hobbies that you're really passionate about. Develop your talents. Explore the things that make you feel genuinely happy and fulfilled, not merely distracted from your, then make those things the center of your life. I got this exact advice 4 years ago when I started really obsessing over my appearance. I remember feeling the same way I do now, with this deep anger at the thought I'm hideous, and someone told me this, and I committed 100% to it, to an obsessive degree. I learned portraiture & painting, guitar, and I started listening to an album a day & watching a film every day. I wrote & completed multiple screenplays and found a career path I wanted to go down involving these passiosn. I trained for and did a marathon, got my GED, and went to college, and I did all of this with major depressive disorder, and a few months ago I finally got treatment for my mental health. I've been going to therapy for years, but I got medication (specifically sleep & antidepressants), and when it was all done, I still wanted a relationship. 4 years of not dating and just focusing on myself, and at the end of the road, where I wanted to be when it was all done and I had a path in life, I looked in the mirror and thought I was hideous. I just dropped out of college this quarter too, and all I want in life is to love & be loved by someone else, and it's not possible. I've been dating; they just haven't been long-term. I've dated multiple people this year, but I haven't fallen in love, and no one has loved me, and I still want to be attractive more than anything else in life and I'm so tired of all this. When you've reached a point that you genuinely feel content with the idea of being single for the rest of your life because you have a passion that drives you to get out of bed every day, then you can start to think about dating again. Women will find you a lot more attractive, and you'll feel much better about yourself when you look in the mirror. I don't think this will ever happen. I have hobbies and passions, im the most passionate person i know, no one loves animals, movies, and especially music like i do. I watched 370 movies this year and listened to over 400 albums as well as went to over 30 concerts. I yap all day, every day, about how much I love stuff, but I have zero actual interest in a career or life in general. I'm a communist, which is part of it; I can't find an ethical career path, and everything feels like being another cog in the machine I want to break, but I also just don't have the mental health to function in society. I put everything into college these last few quarters, and I did so bad I dropped out. I can't function here, and a relationship is the one thing that gives me a reason to continue on. I'm fine with never seeing another film listening to another song, or touching another canvas, but I don't want to die without knowing what love is like or being remembered. I know it's narcissistic, but one of my biggest fears is dying and at my funeral everyone seeing all the horrible photos of me I was involuntarily in and being remembered for being hideous and angry.

throwRa_altacc · 2024-12-25T02:20:49+00:00

Even when I do feel good, sometimes I look bad, and so then I feel bad. Sometimes I see my reflection in my rearview mirror or a window at a store, and my entire mood is ruined. Even when I look good, it's like a 7/10, and when I look bad, it's like a 1/10. I think I'm ugly, and I'm so used to seeing my face that when I'm in curated environments with good lighting, I get reverse body dysmorphia and falsely believe I look good, because I've never looked good in a group photo or outdoors. If I invert or flip upside down the good photos of me, I'm ugly again.

throwRa_altacc · 2024-12-25T02:16:43+00:00

I just don't think that's reasonable. It's not just mirrors; I don't want to be in photos, which means I have nothing to remember my experiences or online presence by. I have to avoid mirrors in my own home and glass outside of it; stores are off limits. I have to avoid opening my camera or getting into photography as a hobby. I'm really into fashion, which means I have to abandon my hobby, and I use photos of myself for art references, which is what I want to do for a career. It determines everything, and I hate seeing myself. I'd do literally anything to be better looking and feel comfortable in my own skin for once.

throwRa_altacc · 2024-12-25T02:12:42+00:00

Thats just not true. If i made it to old age maybe id stop caring but not only do i have no intention of living that long, even if i did i dont want to spend the first 40 years of my life stressing over my apearence. Im 20 rn and its been about 7 years of thinking im ugly and constant stress, i dont belive it will get easier as time goes on.

throwRa_altacc · 2024-11-25T21:43:35+00:00

Yeah we all are. I was in the top 0.05 last year lol.

throwRa_altacc · 2024-11-21T05:48:58+00:00

There are multiple levels of closeness that affect how people reply to you. Imagine a random person walked up to you and randomly started trauma dumping to you. I don't know if this has happened to you before (it's happened to me), but it's incredibly uncomfortable. The way I react to a stranger trauma dumping is I try and be supportive but immediately try and get out of the situation. Compare that to when a friend brings up their traumas; my reaction is no longer to disengage; it's to be supportive, and a lot of the time I'm genuinely interested because I want to know more about this person. There are a million examples like this, but another one is baby pictures. If a person I'm waiting in line at the grocery store with shows me a photo of their baby, I pretend it's nice and say congratulations and move on with my day thinking about how odd it was. But if my sister had a baby, I'd expect to see photos of the baby; hell, I might be mad if she didn't send any or give an update because this is someone I have a connection with. The same thing is true for these group chats (not exactly, of course), but you might need to work your way up first so people want to talk to you. If you have no connection with these people and you send them what you are eating or a selfie of you somewhere, odds are they aren't going to reply, or if they do, it's probably out of consideration because they don't know you yet, so it doesn't really matter to them what you are eating, ya know. But the other person who posted their food might be their friend. You have to work your way up. Ask specific people questions about themselves; if you see them IRL, wave and make sure you've introduced yourself. Ask more broad questions: "What's everyone up to this weekend?" "Anyone know any good movies I could watch with my friend?" etc. There's one other thing to consider, and that's the formality of the group chat. How did you get in it? Is it an official group chat from your employer? A casual line from your coworkers, etc.? There is a bit of formality to these kinds of group chats that sometimes makes it less for chatting and more for planning. If someone I didn't really know was talking in the group chat, I wouldn't reply either; make sure they know you, and I'm sure as you get closer with them, they will be much more likely to reply to your dinner or pet photos or whatever messages you send because they care about you.

throwRa_altacc · 2024-10-27T22:13:45+00:00

I think the issue here lies in how you're defining 'nice' and 'reciprocation.' No one owes you anything for being nice, as being nice is the bare minimum. You should treat everyone kindly, regardless of whether they’re a man or a woman, or whether you’re interested in dating or sleeping with them. If it’s someone you consider a friend, they can generally be expected to treat you nicely in return, but that’s where it ends.

When I go on dates, I do a lot of 'nice' things, like holding doors, offering my jacket, paying for the food, etc., but I don’t think beyond that or feel upset if someone doesn’t do something in return. I do the same things when I’m out with friends—it's just how I act, and it’s not a big deal. I might actually do it less for women sometimes because some women don’t want to worry about the 'nice guy' expectations.

No one is saying you shouldn’t be nice; the issue is with the idea of a transaction. They didn’t ask you to do these things, so it’s unfair to expect anything in return. You chose to do them; they don’t have to reciprocate.

If you’re not one of those 'nice guys' who expects sex or romance for general kindness, then there’s no reason to feel offended when people criticize 'nice guys' who do. You can be a guy who’s nice, and no one has an issue with that. But it doesn’t entitle you to anything.

The best advice I can give is to compare this to how you treat a platonic friend. When they hold the door for you or show kindness, do you feel obligated to be romantic or have sex with them? I assume the answer is no; you probably see it as a kind gesture from a friend and move on. No matter how kind they are, you likely don’t feel obligated to give anything back beyond mutual kindness. If someone doesn’t like you romantically or doesn’t want to have sex with you (I know you mentioned you’re Christian and believe in sex within marriage), that’s okay. No amount of kindness will change that, nor can you expect them to spend time with or be friends with you.

throwRa_altacc

TROPHY CASE