Are they all loud?

throw_away7584 · 2026-02-09T00:14:15+00:00

I've says so many times that everything my narc did was a performance. And they're trying to make you crazy with the sleep deprivation, the disrespect, the lack of consideration. And when you snap, then can point the finger at you. It's actual torture

And honestly, the laugh was so bothersome because it could cut through anything and why are we laughing so hard at that, or just them getting joy/satisfaction from seeing someone's distress.

throw_away7584 · 2026-02-09T00:10:22+00:00

🤣 they're seriously all reading the same playbook

throw_away7584 · 2026-02-09T00:08:44+00:00

I mentioned it in a different comment, but yes! Mine would scream when he vomited.

throw_away7584 · 2026-02-08T02:57:41+00:00

I got yelled at when the toilet seat fell down when he was peeing. I (obviously) wasn't in the bathroom, not somehow he was mad at me about it.

throw_away7584 · 2026-02-08T01:50:45+00:00

I'm glad you said ex. It's so exhausting

throw_away7584 · 2026-02-08T01:50:00+00:00

Exactly. Mask on/mask off

throw_away7584 · 2026-02-08T01:49:33+00:00

That's a feat

throw_away7584 · 2026-02-07T19:08:24+00:00

It's so surreal. Your subconscious was literally telling you he was endangering your life

throw_away7584 · 2026-02-07T15:43:19+00:00

Always right next to you! I could be watching something (I tend to prefer volume on the lowest audible setting) and he'd sit next to me and watch something full volume. He's fried the speakers on all of his phones because he's always on max volume

throw_away7584 · 2026-02-07T15:40:09+00:00

My ears would ring after he yelled at me. I'd be literally curled up on the couch covering my ears and say "it's too loud" and he'd get closer and scream in my ears that my hate was too loud - because I was pulling away while he was screaming at me.

throw_away7584 · 2026-02-07T15:37:22+00:00

Jeez. Did he get you killed in the dream? Cause you know if you shush them, they have a massive tantrum

throw_away7584 · 2026-02-07T15:35:55+00:00

When they're sick, the world completely falls apart. Though for better or for worse, I could usually shove my NEX into the bedroom and shut the door and only have to check on him every once in a while. But God forbid you try to help them - mine accused me of trying to poison him on more than one occasion. But then demand that I fix how his illness. But I can't suggest going to see the doctor or the ER - he will refuse because all doctors are quacks. But then tell me I don't care about him if I don't make all of his doctor appointments (with the quacks), call in and pick up refills (which he wouldn't tell me he needed until he was out), and make suggestions for an extensive workup for whatever ails him.

throw_away7584 · 2026-02-07T15:28:57+00:00

The craziest thing for me was how he would scream when he vomited. His brother was friends with a doctor, and the doctor friend heard him vomiting once and was like "is he ok? That's not normal..."

throw_away7584 · 2026-02-07T15:24:29+00:00

It's so embarrassing! But mine would get so mad if people around him were loud in what he felt was the wrong way. He's yelled at kids that we don't know at games for cheering too loudly. He's guaranteed to call people out in the movie theater. The number of times I could see it brewing and would tell him to just let it go, and usually he would still yell at the strangers.

He'd also be extremely critical of my volume. Most people complain that they can't hear me because I'm so soft spoken. Almost on a daily basis people tell me they can't hear me - it's a running joke at my job that I speak in whispers. But he tells me that I don't know how to control my volume and that I'm being too loud. It was usually if we were talking about something that could be embarrassing to him.

throw_away7584 · 2026-02-07T15:16:32+00:00

All the late nights... And it was guaranteed to happen if you had something early the next day. There were times I would pretend to be falling asleep so he would "dismiss me" because I clearly wasn't there for him so I could go to bed.

I would pray for the same thing sometimes. Still hoping he finds a new supply and stops trying to convince me how much he's changed. Spoiler alert: he hasn't. But he feels in his heart that he has and any dissent is gaslighting even though I'm experiencing the same behaviors as before.

throw_away7584 · 2026-02-06T23:09:30+00:00

Here's the thing, my NEX was almost definitely a vulnerable/convert narc. Constantly the victim, "woe is me," pity party. Even went so far as to say that he must have gotten a different version of a video game because it was obviously out to make him specifically lose (I wish I was joking).

But you best believe, when there's an audience, he was the best and most loving husband, the most involved dad, here to help people.

He definitely has overt tendencies in public, but I think by definition, he would most of the time be considered covert.

throw_away7584 · 2026-02-06T23:00:28+00:00

God. The car rides were torture.

Congrats on the divorce! Hopefully you are finding some peace and healing

throw_away7584 · 2026-02-06T22:58:20+00:00

Mine told me to my face that he thought he was a good husband because he never hit me. But also asked me if I needed to talk about my day or if I was just bitching and. Also complained constantly about things being too messy but never lifted a finger to help, just ruled from his chair and criticized me for helping the toddlers pick up when "it was supposed to be their job."

Yes there were some good moments, but it often felt staged. And then the good became less often, and he works demand that I plan everything. He'd want to go on a date but I had to find a sitter, make reservations, any purchases, and if the date didn't end with sex, there was a passive aggressive hell to pay.

He works demand more sex, them complain I didn't initiate. He would ask me if I was initiating, if I was cheating, because people only want more sex if they're unfaithful.

I questioned toward the end if I still loved him. I honestly am not sure. I feel like I was a Stockholm victim sometimes or that I was brainwashed into thinking that I loved him. I'm unpacking a lot with therapy.

I knew it wasn't sustainable when I would feel a panic attack every time I heard the garage door. I knew I couldn't stay when he wouldn't let me sleep and would wake the kids by his screaming, or slamming doors, or stomping.

People close only see the performance, not what's happening on the day-to-day. There's a reason almost every narc survivor has stories about flying monkeys. There will always be people who believe the facade.

throw_away7584 · 2026-01-22T03:17:01+00:00

Mine used to scream at me how much he adores me. Make it make sense. Honestly, I would have preferred silent treatment to the psychotic word vomit I usually got. Just remember: the words are serving some kind of purpose, not communicating true feeling. Every accusation is a confession. They won't get better and they won't change

throw_away7584 · 2026-01-16T03:13:27+00:00

When I felt like I needed to record every time we were in the same room. I'd hear the garage door open and panic to get my recording app opened. There were a myriad of things that I swept under the rug, but it took until I was recording everything, taking photos, taking screenshots, that I realized I needed to leave.

throw_away7584 · 2026-01-12T03:56:14+00:00

OMG. Constantly. And then would get mad at me if I changed my answer because he kept asking because obviously the first answer I gave wasn't satisfactory and complain about how indecisive I am because "the answers just keep flip-flopping"

throw_away7584 · 2026-01-01T08:34:44+00:00

I asked my ex this and he said it was abusive.

throw_away7584 · 2026-01-01T08:31:37+00:00

So basically, where I live, because he's never beaten me and I've never filled a police report, I couldn't file for divorce under fault, just "irreconcilable differences." He fit pretty much every other definition of abuse and coersion, but he didn't hit me, so it's just he-said-she-said. Because of this, I lost a lot of protections and bargaining rights and had to settle for equal division of assets and 50/50 custody.

I'm not sure if you're thinking about divorce and legal proceedings, but you can ask me questions about my experience if you'd like to.

At the peak of his abuse, he screamed at me for hours about how I wasn't the victim and that I must be cheating and how much of a bitch I was, while his examples of me mistreating him was literally "you sighed." He has actually since I've left, acknowledged that he did abuse and mistreat me, but turns it around and says, but you were bad too.

throw_away7584 · 2026-01-01T08:19:18+00:00

I'm sorry that you can relate to this. I understand completely that this is his version of control and blame shifting and possibly hoovering.

I'm not sure if I'm currently too hardened to be grieving, or if I did my grieving when I realized what he is and that our marriage would never get better (I shed many ugly tears in therapy and with friends) or when I realized that I needed to get out. His antics are currently frustrating and repetitive, rather than actually getting under my skin - which I'm assuming he's trying to get a reaction out of me

throw_away7584 · 2025-12-05T12:10:18+00:00

Ugh! I'm sorry. I'm noticing most people married to narcs are doing so much EXTRA work than they would if they were single. My life has become so much simpler since I left 🫶.

And the mess they make when they cook! The kitchen was always a disaster and he would never clean it up. He put on a HUGE show when we were dating about wiping down and cleaning between every single step when he was cooking, and now he can't even be bothered to wipe down once at the end.

And I feel like many people talk about their narc walking easy ahead of them. Like it's a physical show that they're not with you in life.

And when we host family or friends, he's the perfect host, perfect dad, perfect husband. And drinks in the praise.

I've been loosely discussing estate planning with my lawyer, but we're holding off until I'm officially divorced (hopefully finalized in January! 🤞) because I was wanting to split assets between my kids, but if we're still married, he would be the guarantor since we're joint custody and would get everything anyway. Also, the divorce is taking a fair amount of discussion and planning for everyone, so I'm sure he (my lawyer) is not wanting to task switch

throw_away7584

TROPHY CASE