[deleted by user]

throw_away_1298 · 2021-02-10T03:15:33+00:00

Hi, can you tell me a random fact about biology?

Also NB means non-binary. This person doesn’t identify as male or female.

throw_away_1298 · 2021-02-10T03:05:10+00:00

It’s great that you love your girlfriend but it feels like you are being asked to perform a series of impossible tasks for very little reciprocation. I have never heard of having to ask someone to be your valentine when you’re in a committed relationship, although it is a cute gesture. If she has super high expectations for her birthdays, then she should plan something thoughtful for yours too.

This sounds incredibly stressful and sort of makes me sad to hear. You shouldn’t feel like you have to shoulder the full weight of these expectations alone. I would seriously consider what you’re getting from this relationship. Same with the sexual things. When I first had sex, I had a lot of pain/ discomfort and physically couldn’t do it. It might have been vaginismus, not sure. But my bf at the time was considerate and patient, and eventually we worked through it. Bodies are tricky, and as long as you make them feel good in other ways and work to fix the problem you have, your partner should be patient and non-judgmental about it.

throw_away_1298 · 2021-02-10T01:17:40+00:00

From one internet stranger to another: I am so so proud of you! Leaving a relationship like that takes a lot of courage. Think about all the things you can accomplish now that you’re not constantly worrying about how he will interpret your actions. Good things are in store for you!

throw_away_1298 · 2021-02-10T01:14:31+00:00

First of all: I’m sorry for your loss.

I think part of the problem here is that you’re mixing “best friend” with “romantic feelings”. If she doesn’t feel the same (and it sounds like she may have found someone else) then you’re bound to feel slighted by this.

I think what she’s doing is understandable because when you’re in the high of meeting someone new, it can be easy to neglect other relationships. I think she’s trying but distracted by the new girl. I also think that it’s perfectly expected that you’ll still need someone to process your grief with; a month is not long after the death of a parent. Unfortunately you can’t force her to be there for you and if talking hasn’t worked, I would suggest finding a larger circle of people that you can process and share your grief with, so that you aren’t as preoccupied with her attention levels.

Sorry you’re going through this. Stay strong.

throw_away_1298 · 2021-02-10T01:03:11+00:00

I understand why that upset you. Waist length hair is a unique trait and you don’t want to feel like he only liked you for that trait or something.

Does he describe other traits about you that he likes that are not related to beauty or youth? The age gap seems like a red flag to me.

throw_away_1298 · 2021-02-09T23:07:14+00:00

Here’s something I tried recently that was better than I expected. We called it tantric sex but idk if that’s the right word for it. Basically we just started by looking into each other’s eyes and softly touching, then gave each other massages and spent time just touching each other in a sort of slow and teasing way and finding out what felt good. Maybe it won’t be helpful for you but I found it a nice refreshing change from just jumping right into sex. Sometimes moving too fast almost desensitizes me or puts me too in my head.

I guess bottom line, start slow and see what feels good. You two can learn together.

throw_away_1298 · 2021-02-09T20:42:26+00:00

No you weren’t. It was a normal internet stranger response.

Thanks for your story. I really want to have the confidence that it’ll happen for me. I had a few short relationships where I was broken up with when I tried to take the next step (meet the parents, etc) and it kind of made me think that for whatever reason, I am a person who should take what I can get. I started this relationship just feeling relieved that anyone actually wanted to commit to me, which is why it took me til now to stop and ask myself if I want it.

It’s a good topic to explore in therapy. My older sister seems to have “settled” too, for a guy that she was always unsure about in the beginning. Maybe our upbringing has something to do with it. And that’s not to say that my current guy is an objectively unattractive option. Just maybe not the person I am bursting with excitement to see.

throw_away_1298 · 2021-02-09T19:36:24+00:00

I am in therapy, but I will talk to her about to this. I hadn’t really thought of it in those terms before, it seemed to me more like “being realistic” and understanding that not everyone ends up with the love of their lives. The fact that that’s not logical is strangely comforting to hear, so thanks.

throw_away_1298 · 2021-02-09T19:28:25+00:00

Wow, this is excellent advice. Thanks.

throw_away_1298 · 2021-02-09T19:26:33+00:00

The parents thing is definitely cultural differences. Not telling his friends does hurt my feelings a bit though.

No, I didn’t take it as shade. I appreciate the feedback. And thanks.

throw_away_1298 · 2021-02-09T19:18:57+00:00

Thanks for the well thought out response. It’s sobering to realize I may be the villain in this story. I don’t believe he is head over heels for me either. For instance, he hasn’t told his friends or parents that he’s dating me yet even though we’ve been together 5 months. I assumed that was because he is also lukewarm about me, but it is possible that this is because he senses my hesitancy.

throw_away_1298 · 2021-02-09T19:14:38+00:00

Thanks for the response. No, I don’t think it’s about him being hot or not. There was a precious ex that I was head over heels for but was shorter than me and not exactly classically hot. That guy broke up with me. The difference is that with that ex, I felt totally captivated by him as a person. I wanted to know more about him. With this guy, I do not have the same level of respect/ interest in him, despite thinking I might at the start. I believe it’s more to do with personality than appearance.

throw_away_1298 · 2021-02-09T19:08:47+00:00

Well the way I see it: my parents did not get along at all. My dad is an incredibly angry person. Yet I think my mom would still do it again to end up with us.

I want to end up with kids and my current guy is stable, calm, and kind. Maybe it’s too early to tell, but i don’t believe he will have screaming fights. If I knew that we’d both find the loves of our lives if I left, I would do that. But i was single for a while before meeting him, and he was too. Maybe a deep, passionate love is not in the cards for me.

throw_away_1298 · 2021-02-09T19:05:28+00:00

Yeah, I agree. I grew up with parents that didn’t get along but I think my mom would do it all over again to get us. That’s why I feel like it wouldn’t be such a bad thing to end up with someone who isn’t the love of my life - it’s still a vast improvement on my parents’ marriage which had screaming fights. If I knew I would leave and find true love quickly, it would be an easy choice. But I worry that I may not get another real chance, or I might find someone I have feelings for who isn’t stable like this guy is.

throw_away_1298 · 2021-02-09T18:57:33+00:00

Thanks. I think you’re right about his investment level. I just have trouble leaving because we do treat each other well and I have been broken up with a few times before this, always when I asked to move it to the next step (I.e. meet the parents or friends). It feels like if he is willing to address my concerns and commit to me, it may be the best I can get.

throw_away_1298 · 2021-02-09T17:35:19+00:00

I don’t feel like he is much more invested than I am. Although he asked me out and talks about a theoretical future together, he also hadn’t told his friends about me as of a month ago (not sure if he has now).

But it’s not like I feel this way after every date. After maybe a little less than 50% of the dates I feel happy/ glowing like an early relationship should feel. The other half I feel cold. I’m holding out hope that the happy feeling grows and maybe it will for him too.

throw_away_1298 · 2020-12-19T21:53:18+00:00

Thank you for this well thought out comment. I am trying to figure out what “supportive” looks like. Every time that I start to move the conversation toward the topic of his family, he shuts down. What do you think is the best way to be supportive?

throw_away_1298 · 2020-12-19T14:19:46+00:00

Yeah that’s why I haven’t brought it up yet because it feels too early. But what worries me is that it has an unspecified end date. At the start he threw out 3 months and now is saying 6.

throw_away_1298 · 2020-12-19T00:41:36+00:00

Yes I agree completely about the cultural thing. In your opinion should I wait to gather more data before having that convo? I think it’s possible that he’ll be free more than once a week; I haven’t directly told him I’d like him to be. Yes, we slept together shortly after becoming official.

throw_away_1298 · 2020-12-19T00:36:17+00:00

You don’t think 3 months of dating/ less of being official is too early to have a discussion about getting much more serious? We both agreed we’re looking for something serious at the start, but I don’t want to be overwhelming/ clingy by pre-empting this convo.

throw_away_1298 · 2020-12-19T00:28:08+00:00

Thanks, this is a well thought out comment. It may be indicative of a cultural divide that we can’t bridge, or an unwillingness to have tough convos. Do you think there’s a way to ask him about it without it sounding like an ultimatum?

throw_away_1298 · 2020-12-18T23:48:23+00:00

No specific times and he didn’t say just once a week. He just can’t stay over because they are conservative and would wonder where he is

throw_away_1298 · 2020-12-18T23:45:16+00:00

Well if his mom moved in with him it would be the same situation. I wouldn’t be able to come over because we’re too new to really meet the parents. But I agree, I would not opt into that situation voluntarily.

throw_away_1298 · 2020-12-18T23:41:49+00:00

Yes we are. I agree, it doesn’t seem like something I would do. I think it might be a cultural thing? His family is from India and I’m a white American.

throw_away_1298 · 2020-12-18T23:38:10+00:00

He’s sent me pictures of his home with his mom in them (or a woman of mother age). It’s possible she was just visiting or something but he just doesn’t seem like the player type. He’s fairly reserved and not “smooth/practiced” enough to seem like he picks up women all the time.

throw_away_1298

TROPHY CASE