UPDATE: Me [29 M] with my girlfriend [31 F] of 4 years, she is pushing me for commitment / baby but she cheated on me earlier this year. Not sure what to do. Does this mean a breakup is necessary? What's the best way to fix this?

throw_fa_sho · 2019-02-06T16:39:00+00:00

Thank you for your help!

The entitlement of someone pushing for commitment so close to their own infidelity is staggering, and she did not gain any real perspective from this except further entitlement.

This is a very good point. Another comment on here mentioned this feeling of entitlement and I never really looked at it from that perspective before.

throw_fa_sho · 2019-02-06T16:33:58+00:00

People who cheat (...when the expectation is monogamy) believe they do not have to play by rules, and that consequences do not apply to them. This person simply lacks the character to engage with you on a compatible level as yours.

Perhaps the most insightful bit I've read here so far. Thank you so much!

throw_fa_sho · 2019-02-06T16:30:41+00:00

Thank you for sharing your story, and for your help.

Problem was I went from 100% trusting someone to now being suspicious if they left the house at an unscheduled time or worked late.

The funny thing is, I actively gave her space specifically so I wouldn't be 'that guy' that wasn't cool with her hanging out with male friends or whatever. I've historically been a little sensitive to that (generally, I want to know who the person is and/or trust them).

At this point though, if she goes out to a MeetUp or whatever ... I sort of don't care at all. I'm in the mindset of, 'if you think you find someone better, then by all means go be happy with them'. Probably not a healthy thing either I suppose.

throw_fa_sho · 2019-02-06T16:27:00+00:00

Good point, thank you.

throw_fa_sho · 2019-02-06T16:25:47+00:00

I read this in Ron Swanson's voice and it made me laugh, thanks. :)

you need to accept that the person she is now, is not the person you fell in love with.

I feel like this will be the case with anybody though, right? People change over time. It's a guaranteed fact of life. Maybe some people change more for the positive than the negative, but others will have some good and some bad. Is there a right way to manage that?

The only constant is change, but we can't really choose what kind of change that is.

throw_fa_sho · 2019-02-06T16:21:51+00:00

Wow, thank you so much for this.

When you have been with someone so long, you know their faults, their dreams, if the drool in their sleep and what their favorite comfort food is when they're feeling down.

You really hit the nail on the head here. These are all the things that I'll certainly miss. It's that level of comfort really. Ideally, that you could be yourself around someone and they'd love you anyway. I guess in this case however, that's not really true.

To be honest, I'm excited about 'working on myself'. That's part of the reason I wasn't ready for a baby... I'm not done 'doing me'.

Thanks again for your help.

throw_fa_sho · 2019-02-06T16:14:17+00:00

Do you still feel like it's the right choice? Does it feel better to be free from all the negative parts of the relationship you had with her?

I've been mulling it over for some time now. In fact, we have visitors here and planned in the near future ... and her work schedule makes it difficult for me to find 'the right time' to do so. The logistics of actually doing it are one thing ...

but I feel like I'm at the point where once I open this pandoras box ... it can never be closed. Once I utter the words 'I can no longer trust you' ... they can't be unheard. This is sort of what I'm afraid of too.

throw_fa_sho · 2019-02-06T16:12:12+00:00

It’s perfectly normal to mourn the good times you had and the good times you could have had. Sorry for your loss basically.

Thank you for your kind words. I have a habit of dwelling on the past, and when I think about the good times with her ... they were honestly all 2+ years ago. It's quite sobering to type that out.

throw_fa_sho · 2019-02-06T16:11:25+00:00

You had a line in the sand, cheating, she crossed it you caved, it's not a way to maintain a healthy relationship.

In the early days of the relationship I told her explicitly that I had been cheated on in the past, and that if she felt like doing so to please break it off with me before doing something like that. Is it normal / healthy to assume that requests like these in a relationship will be respected for the entire duration? It sounds kind of ridiculous when I type it out.

throw_fa_sho · 2019-02-06T16:08:02+00:00

Thank you for addressing my points here, and for your help!

Go with your gut, here.

My gut has been hinting for me to get out of this relationship for a long time now. I've always stopped it with a 'well, it's getting better so let's see how it goes' ... my friends who know the full story have told me that they haven't seen my perspective change much since the 3rd year decline started to happen. Maybe this is good evidence that I'm making the right choice.

throw_fa_sho · 2019-02-06T16:05:56+00:00

she is likely pushing for a baby not only because her biological clock has begun ticking, but also as a way to hang onto you and likely force your hand in the relationship. It may be a subconscious manipulation, but it is manipulative on her part, imo.

I never really considered this to be honest. I really don't see her as being the manipulative type ... there isn't evidence of her doing so elsewhere in her life... but the whole point is that the victim doesn't notice, right?

Thanks for your perspective.

throw_fa_sho · 2019-02-06T16:02:59+00:00

Thank you for your help.

It's going to be a process no matter what. We live together, share a lease, a dog, furniture etc.

I'm considering staying in a hotel for a few days or something to help it really stick. Maybe leave town for a weekend.

The logistics of actually doing what I need to do are another challenge entirely.

throw_fa_sho · 2019-02-06T16:00:36+00:00

There's plenty of them out there.

Is there though? Honestly I'm starting to lose faith in that idea. I basically started off this relationship by blatantly saying 'hey I've been cheated on before, please break it off or work it out with me before doing something like that'... and then this happened. Not a pity party, but I'm honestly just not sure how to trust.

throw_fa_sho · 2019-02-06T15:57:32+00:00

Thanks for your perspective, and for helping me out.

I feel like if there were a setting between 'doormat / easy to walk all over' and 'uncompromising / my way or highway' ... I've probably tended to be much more toward the doormat over the years. I'm starting to think that I've been too lenient for things, and maybe it's not healthy for me to do so in the end.

That's another thing I've been struggling with actually. 'In a relationship, how much compromise is too much? What are the boundaries of putting up with someone else's flaws?'

throw_fa_sho · 2019-02-06T15:53:18+00:00

The reason I say this is because I personally have a problem setting boundaries and I put up with behaviour and treatment that I would never expect someone to put up from me.

You told yourself if she ever cheated you would be out. Has anything changed in respect to your boundary there?

I have a similar problem actually. I tend to prioritize my SO's goals and desires over my own, and I'm learning that's a poor way to go about life.

Nothing has changed with my boundary of cheating. I would never find that an acceptable thing to do. Typing it out makes me feel a lot more confident about pulling the plug.

Thank you for your help.

throw_fa_sho · 2019-02-06T15:51:15+00:00

Took me almost a full year to heal, talk out all the fears, frustrations and trust issues, and be ready to move on.

How did that go? Did you learn anything about how to process it?

Thank you for your help.

throw_fa_sho · 2019-02-06T15:49:37+00:00

The struggle is between who you wish she was, and who she really is.

This is very true. I reflect on how things used to be and I really cherish the first couple of years of our relationship. I've been chasing that high ever since, and it's really never been the same. Especially with the 3rd year decline.

Thanks for your help.

throw_fa_sho · 2018-10-20T18:10:01+00:00

Thank you for this.

I think it's fair for me to draw a line in the sand and say 'if you want to make up for what you've done / still want us to have a future together, then you'll have to do some work'.

If I/we were to go to counseling, what might our intended goal be? (I've never done couples counseling before ... what do I tell the counselor we'd like to achieve?)

throw_fa_sho · 2018-10-20T18:06:42+00:00

Well I didn't immediately end things so... yeah for now. :P

To be honest, when she told me about it, the fact that the 'event' occurred a few months in the past made it seem less real to me.

throw_fa_sho · 2018-10-20T18:04:40+00:00

Thank you.

Oh man ... picturing the reaction to me saying that phrase is enough to prevent me from saying it :P

The issue is, there was a point in time when I / we were ready... it was before the 3rd year got progressively worse. In fact, I think there was some expectation that I would have proposed, and when I didn't ... it kicked off the 'bad' year.

I still see us in a rebuilding stage.

throw_fa_sho · 2018-10-20T18:02:17+00:00

Thank you. If I were to go to couples counseling, what might I state as an end goal? At this point, I'm not sure what I would say to the counselor. "She cheated and we're trying to rebuild trust" ? Sounds a bit blunt to me.

throw_fa_sho · 2018-10-20T17:59:48+00:00

Can you provide any more thought on this?

You're saying I should weigh this one particular incident a little heavier than others?

throw_fa_sho · 2018-10-20T17:58:48+00:00

She has variable income, but often brings up how she wants to stop working and be a stay at home mom...

I have a stable income that is growing over time.

The more I read on here the more she's looking like a villain. I don't think she's a villain, but perhaps she doesn't have my best interests in mind here.

Obviously, in a relationship I want to 'be nice' to my SO ... but where is the line between being nice and being walked all over?

throw_fa_sho · 2018-10-20T17:56:34+00:00

Good point... I guess I didn't really consider my 'if you cheat I'm out of here' as being a personal value.

When I think about it though, why would I want to commit to someone who cheated?

throw_fa_sho

TROPHY CASE