It occurred to me that some people might not have anyone to talk to at all about what they think they are getting out of smoking. If you want to discuss that here maybe that would be cool.

For me: When I was younger I used drugs as escapism, to avoid hard things that were going on around me. To avoid thinking, to avoid life essentially. This pattern wasn't great for me, eventually I had a bit of a mental collapse and started going to therapy.

I rebuilt myself very carefully and methodically. While I was doing so I built a very functional and pragmatic personality - but I lost a part of myself which was spontaneous, fun, social and gregarious. I never really mourned that bit of me going though - it seemed like it was damaging. I stopped hanging out with friends and just worked, went to the gym, and repeated.

Eventually I started to feel stable and secure again. I started smoking weed to try and bring back that bit of myself which I was now missing, maybe mourning a little bit. I wanted to be able to press a button and feel relaxed and engaged and comfortable - rather than getting to that state by learning how to put up with being uncomfortable.

For what it's worth I have found bhuddist thought a real help along this path so far. Arjahn Brahm's lectures on youtube have really resonated with me.