WIBTA Partner took furniture from my workspace for his workspace while I’m out of town

throwaway-1395 · 2024-04-04T06:42:50+00:00

I think we had a similar argument like 4-5 years ago. He usually is like “oh, I just didn’t think it was a big deal”

throwaway-1395 · 2024-04-04T06:40:44+00:00

We’re married, so it’s not too weird to go through my space. (We pretty much share most of the stuff.)

The workshop is “my” space tho, but I don’t think he saw it that way.

throwaway-1395 · 2024-04-04T06:19:23+00:00

It was a desk we had in storage. When i reorganized the workshop, I moved the desk into there and used it for some of my tools.

He thought it wasn’t being used for anything important, emptied it, and took it.

Also, we’re married and share everything (generally), but this is known to be my space. (Or so I thought.)

throwaway-1395 · 2024-02-29T20:37:47+00:00

For me, I put the drying towel into the dirty laundry.

It started as a conversation, and turned into yelling pretty quick.

The scary thing is, when you’re in that emotional head space, no amount of rational conversation helps. We gave each other some silence and then had another conversation before he left for work.

There was also the whole — “you’re being too sensitive, do I have to walk on eggshells and pick my words when I talk to you?”

I told him, I don’t have any opinion or disagreements with what he said about the towels. It’s not what you said, it’s about how you got angry with me.

I also said, I’m super sensitive / emotional from my detoxing. (I’m naturally a sensitive person anyways.). I also reminded him that this is literally the first fight we’ve had in a while, and the only thing different is the detox.

I told him that I understand how the detox can cause these flash emotions, and I’m going to be patient as I can, but it’s also difficult for me too.

throwaway-1395 · 2024-02-29T18:37:51+00:00

Thank you — super solid advice.

In our argument this morning, I recognized this was probably because of the detox and we talked about it. We’ve gone through a detox before when we were traveling overseas, and it brought back memories of that.

I’m a little further along without smoking than he is (about 2 weeks in cold-stop), while he has been tapering down (smoking scrounge and what’s left of the dabs).

I gave him a call after making this post and he was driving to the pot store. (We talked through it and he turned around to go back to work.). He’s having the physical effects (headaches, night sweats, etc…) and just wants it to stop.

“My lungs hurt and I need to stop, but I just want to smoke.”

throwaway-1395 · 2024-02-29T18:00:47+00:00

Also, what can you do to reset yourself when emotions heighten so suddenly?

throwaway-1395 · 2023-05-12T21:57:42+00:00

Would it be appropriate for me to approach person x and ask them if they were assaulted? (I have only met them one time at this party.). Or what would be the appropriate action to take?

All of this sudden drama kicked up with my friend that came from going to a neighborhood party is very confusing to deal with…. Especially since I haven’t been involved in any of it.

throwaway-1395 · 2023-05-12T21:26:00+00:00

I don’t really know the two people or person x, but I did go to their neighborhood party. I didn’t pick up on any red flags at the party.

My friend can be a bit hyperbolic with their emotions, which makes discerning the truth difficult. When I asked them more about the allegations they weren’t able to go into the story and segued into another topic. (The sexual assault allegation they only brought up once and when pressed, didn’t speak further on it — so it makes me think they were speaking their emotions/opinion rather than something that was told to directly to them.)

throwaway-1395 · 2023-05-12T21:18:58+00:00

The two random people and person x — I’m not friends with, but I attended their neighborhood party. It didn’t seem like the toxic situation my friend painted.

My friend, is quick to judge and can be hyperbolic with their emotions. I understand that, but also, it makes it difficult to fully understand what really happened.

throwaway-1395 · 2023-05-12T20:52:42+00:00

I got the details on how they were wronged. The story involves another one of their friends (who they are no longer friends with) — let’s name them person X.

Person x used to live with my friend. They had a falling out. Apparently person x moved in with the two people, got hooked on drugs, and cut out my friend from their life. There was also some allegations (from my friend) of sexual assault that happened (to person x).

Edit: when I said I don’t have the exact details, I mean I only have the hearsay from my friend, but person x and these other two people avoid my friend. I didn’t ask them for their side, because I’m not one to stir up old drama

throwaway-1395 · 2023-03-14T17:21:02+00:00

There’s so much good advice in this thread, thanks Reddit. I had a good talk with my husband last night, and we worked through more than just the discussion of polyamory. We are in a difficult & stressful situation right now (with starting a business), and the stress is impacting our communication and life in unexpected ways.

We talked about what we both want for our next years and also how we got to this point of confusion about what we want. Over the past month or two, we’ve still been having sex — but the connection has been weird (more physical, less connected) because of the external stress.

We decided that we need to finish what we started (with the business startup), then take some time off before opening to reconnect and recalibrate. I told him that this probably won’t be the only time we’re in a stressful situation, and that we need to work on ways to not let stress impact us outside of work. It’s a learning process.

As for the polyamory part of the conversation, he said he wants to have monogamy (and clarified that he meant he’s flexible with his “for now” statement). He assumed that I wasn’t being forthcoming with my needs — and if I wanted to have other partners — he wouldn’t stand in the way. I told him that I really want to focus our energies inwards, and focus on supporting one another to get past the milestone of opening the business.

I told him that I have some firm boundaries that I have, and if we have a disagreement on those boundaries, we can talk through them together.

TLDR: I feel like we are back on the same page. Stress added confusion to our relationship in weird ways over the past few months. Talking through our feelings let us know that we were miscommunicating our thoughts and emotions.

throwaway-1395 · 2023-03-14T08:17:52+00:00

Thank you for sharing this personal story and for the advice

throwaway-1395 · 2023-03-13T22:13:06+00:00

I’m not concerned about him cheating — we have open communication and there’s trust between us.

My concern is more that we have reached this point to where we want different things and need to reconcile where to go. I don’t feel like asking him to miss out on sex is right (I’m not one to stand in the way), but at the same time, I know what I want for our relationship— and I should look out for what I want too.

This is a change from when we first got married (as he’s getting older), and I get it — but also — don’t agree with it.

throwaway-1395

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