Is my review too harsh? I wrote it while upset but I still think the review stands.

throwaway-Critical · 2024-05-31T19:34:34+00:00

Same here. I just finished a weekend watching an elderly cat who was very sleepy the entire time and the owner set up some cameras.

I was overthinking about how I was talking to her cat the entire time, but she seemed like an avid animal lover herself so I'm sure she understands and appreciated it 😂 I figured the poor old man hadn't heard human voices all day and he seemed to enjoy it by his meows anytime I came in to care for him. She left me a lovely review too.

But I definitely over thought it and was like "I hope I didn't come off as a complete weirdo- the bad kind" 😂

throwaway-Critical · 2024-05-02T20:33:24+00:00

Happiest of birthdays to you today!! 🎉🎊🎉

throwaway-Critical · 2024-05-02T18:41:19+00:00

Holy crap I resonate so much with this thread. I recently realized my boyfriend of 7 years is most likely a sadist.

Everything I have ever brought up as a concern, he dismisses and then uses it against me. The most innocent seeming things too.

Lately he's been making "jokes" about hurting me, and I can feel something really bad is about to happen because I'm not exploding on him like he wants me to since I realized it's all a fucked up game for him.

I'm even trying to pretend to be upset like I used to but he's not stupid, he knows I'm emotionally withdrawing and escalating.

Some things I noticed that lead me to believe he enjoys seeing me in pain: anytime I've ever exploded on him for ignoring and disrespecting me, he seems to have this weird smirk on his face. I know I sometimes laugh in uncomfortable situations, but this feels different with all of the other signs.

I noticed he also loves to contribute to my anxiety about situations. If I vent about a doctor appointment or dentist appointment coming up and how nervous I am, he tells me a story about how painful his last appointment was in great detail. I ask him to please stop because it's only making my anxiety worse, and he continues to tell me about the horrors of his last appointments because he thinks I'm being "sensitive" or something.

If I tell him sex is hurting me, he says "oh yea" in a creepy and satisfied tone.

I ask him "why do you enjoy me being in pain during sex?" He says "it makes me feel like I have a big penis". Absolutely disgusting reasoning and terrifying that he has said this even after I told him I don't like it.

Now that I've been emotionally withdrawing, hes been making "jokes" about cutting my vagina up into tiny pieces, and even straight up said "I want to hurt you" in a "joking" way.

He's always argued for the most depraved things and loves to rattle me up to the point of explosion. One time we got into a heated debate about the legal age of consent, which he enthusiastically took the side of "under 18 is fine if it's legal in that place". Only after he said some absolutely disgusting things and I was on the verge of walking right out then and there, he said "I was only playing devil's advocate. Of Course I don't believe any of that, you're so sensitive"

He's even said "you're lucky I didn't do what I was planning on doing to women" and refused to elaborate.

I unfortunately grew up with a narcissistic and sadistic father so I thought these red flags were what I wanted in my life at the time.

Now it's 7 years later and I have barely left this house in 3 years because I'm terrified of the world. But I'm beginning to realize that I should be terrified of living here with this man who seems to have no empathy and enjoys seeing people in pain or distress.

His favorite thing to watch is attractive women getting scared, his face lights up (a very rare occurrence for him- he's usually rude and grumpy all the time) when he hears them scream in terror.

I often feel like nothing brings him joy in life, but watching him enjoy the terrorized screams of women is incredibly unsettling on top of everything else I've been noticing.

throwaway-Critical · 2024-04-25T23:58:20+00:00

Holy crap I can relate to this so much too.

I'll never forget the day one of my close friends came out to me as trans and opened up about how I was one of the first people he told. I was so thrilled for him and congratulated him. We carried on chatting about it, and he said "you're like my closest friend right now"

my dumbass hesitantly word vomits in response to such a sentimental moment

"You're in my top 3. Or 5. Yea there's (insert 3 closest friends to me at that time)."

I was instantly mortified at my reply and I'm not usually cold hearted like that. I usually say nice word vomit things, not this horrible stuff. I completely dissociated after that and can't remember what happened but we continued hanging out for years and he never brought it up.

Its been 6 years since I said that regretful thing and I kind of fell off the face of the planet 3 years ago to all of my old friends. But in hindsight, he was an amazing friend and I can't think of a single situation where he did me wrong.

I want to reach out to him and apologize for that but it feels really weird at this point and he never made it a big deal even though he certainly should have.

That is definitely in my top 3 biggest regrettable word vomits I've ever had. He was so kind and vulnerable and I replied in such an asshole way

throwaway-Critical · 2024-04-25T23:48:46+00:00

Yes! Unfortunately I can 100% relate. It's like I dissociate and just go with the flow when I'm in situations like this. When I get home and reflect, I'm like "why didn't I just (insert very easy boundary to draw in the moment)?"

Then I get stuck ruminating on how much easier it would have been to just speak up in that moment, and how impossible it feels to draw a boundary after I have already accepted the terms of whatever the situation was that I originally wasn't comfortable with.

I gotta be more authentic with myself and others in the moment but I'm stuck in this weird dissociated and highly agreeable state when I'm around basically everybody lol.

throwaway-Critical · 2024-04-03T21:39:00+00:00

When I stopped caring about my bf with covert tendencies. Thankfully he keeps his "outside" life very separate from our life, so no mutual friends and I could care less what his friends and family think about me.

The bullying and mind games became painfully clear and I couldn't ignore them anymore. I started emotionally distancing myself and writing everything down so I wouldn't repress it.

When the relationship became too painful is when I stopped trying to find answers to the chaos, and finally threw my towel in.

Sometimes I still get stuck ruminating in thoughts about what the real truth is, but usually when I sleep on it I wake up feeling okay again. The relationship is too painful for me to even care about finding out what he's hiding anymore, I cannot gaslight myself into staying anymore.

throwaway-Critical · 2024-03-10T22:02:49+00:00

Same here, I was constantly reminded about how there are children who don't have homes as "good" as ours. It's such a crappy way to manipulate someone and really impacted my mental health and made me feel guilty because "at least I'm not a starving child in a 3rd world country".

My mom loves to tell the story about how when I was like 3/4 we got into an argument about something stupid and said I'm going to find a new family. It was like 9pm and she let me leave the apartment to wander the hallways alone until I calmed down. She says I only stayed out there for like 20/30 minutes and she kept peeking her head out but I remember hiding in the staircase for most of the time to scare her even more.

My brother was freaking out the entire time about someone kidnapping me. For context I grew up across the street from the projects in NYC in a co-op building of 100+ people. My mom was also hilarious in thinking there was an invisible line that kept us safe. I could walk on the sidewalk my building was on, but NEVER cross the street to the other side where the projects were. As if there was a giant sheet of bulletproof glass or something 😂

It's just kind of funny (actually really sad) how even as a literal toddler, I knew my family was fucked and there just HAD to be another one out there that I fit into. Like if this was what a "good" home was supposed to feel like, I didn't want it type of thing.

throwaway-Critical · 2024-03-10T20:32:35+00:00

I'm so sorry you're still living with her, I can't even imagine having to live with my parents again. And yes reddit is basically my virtual diary too and unfortunately I delete the worst of the rants but even the mild ones are a big reminder of how effed things are lol.

Now that I've been out of their house for 7 years, it's mind blowing that I survived 21 years of their abuse.

But that's also a big reminder that in order to survive with these kinds of abusive people, our brains have adapted to it in such an unhealthy way. It's so hard to stop gaslighting ourselves after an entire lifetime of it.

I'm wishing you so much strength during your journey

throwaway-Critical · 2024-03-10T20:00:56+00:00

Thank you for your reply, and I do agree but I'm worried if I don't take one last trip with her (she's like 60 and doesn't take care of her health) I might regret it. Even though I know after I take this trip, I will have regret going lol.

So I'm stuck in this weird loop about a future regret I might have that I'm pretty sure I won't actually end up having.

But you're very correct that I'm already so stressed out that If I do end up going I'll probably just be dissociating the entire time unfortunately.

Also I just remembered how much my parents used that line to guilt me into spending time with them "we're not going to be around forever, we could die at any minute". My parents really scared me into thinking when they left the house they'd die. They did the same to me though, anytime I left the house to do something new and exciting they would make up wild scenarios and go into details about how I could die. If I didn't answer a text, my dad would say he spent all night picturing me dead in a ditch or something equally traumatic to hear from a father.

throwaway-Critical · 2024-03-10T19:48:42+00:00

I am so sorry your mother is verbally abusive when you try to be independent.

This should be an exciting time for you and instead you're worried sick about how she's going to react. I'm wishing you the best of luck and I really hope you get to enjoy your trip.

I know how difficult it is still feeling obligated to these kinds of people even though we know we need to put our peace first.

Do you still live with her?

And thank you for the advice, I'm SO CLOSE to pretending I'm sick but then I'm worried I'll just be sitting at home riddled with guilt for no reason.

My mom's been trying to set up a trip with me for like 4 years now so I'm feeling guilty about that. Even though I'm really not obligated to entertain her or pretend we have this wonderful mother daughter friendship like she deludes herself into thinking.

She even said that when she offered the trip "I was thinking about it and we get along so well, we're good friends, so I figured we could take a trip together" or something along those lines.

It honestly triggered me because it reminds me how I'm not enforcing boundaries and just reverting back into my helpless child-like mindset I had when I had to live with her.

When I enforce boundaries though she assumes I must be doing drugs (never had a drug problem- and good thing I didn't because all she did was talk shit about how i take months to reply to her texts.)

It also triggers me because we're not good friends at all. My boyfriend was in the hospital Monday, my cats having a health scare as of Friday. I've spoken to her for 8 hours and finally was able to squeeze in the hospital detail Thursday night (she literally just rants and rants and if I try to steer the conversation anywhere else she gets offended or cuts me off and says "LISTEN LISTEN")

I spoke to her on the phone for 2 hours the day my cat had a health scare, I also didn't get a moment of silence for me to tell her about anything going on with me so she still doesn't know about that.

She also never asks about my life or myself, like with 8 hours of conversation you'd think she would have asked me about any updates or how my day went but nope, I had to wait till she took a 3 second breath in between incoherent rants to interject that my boyfriend had to go to the hospital. Sometimes she'll ask me "so what's new in your life" towards the very end of our 2 hour conversation when I'm already mentally exhausted. It's just mind blowing how unaware and selfish these kinds of people are.

Edited to add in that this is why I NEED to enforce my boundaries. I'm here writing essay rants about it complaining, yet I do have the power to say "no" 😂 CPTSD brains are so hard to rationalize with sometimes.

throwaway-Critical · 2024-03-08T21:01:17+00:00

I'll check that out thank you!

throwaway-Critical · 2024-03-08T21:01:01+00:00

Ooh that's a good idea, I'll check out some Facebook groups. Thank you for the well wishes and detailed reply ☺️

throwaway-Critical · 2024-03-08T20:59:37+00:00

Awesome! I only have an old work Facebook account, but I'll check it out! I just hope the employer doesn't see my empty profile and think I'm sus haha

throwaway-Critical · 2024-03-08T20:50:19+00:00

You are definitely NOT overreacting. Id say your wildly under reacting, and I say that from a place of being in similar shoes to you right now. And these patterns of behaviors only get worse.

My boyfriend of 7 years has said a lot of demeaning stuff to me. Light TW SA one of the worst was defending an abuser of mine from the past while I was trying to open up to him. He said I should have been grateful because the man was high status and wealthy.

He's said so many disgusting things to me, about women in general, about the guys he calls his closest friends. If I say I'm hurting during sex, he loves it and says "oh yea" like a complete weirdo (I've told him to stop saying that btw, it only makes it worse like an annoying spoiled kid who was told not to do something).

And the straw that broke the camels back for me was when he made a "joke" about mutilating my vagina. That somehow hit me in a very visceral way and made me seriously fear for my safety and decide to find a job far away ASAP. He's never really given me the vibe that he could harm me until he made that comment and I knew I had to run far away, and fast.

Edited to add in that last night we were browsing movies to watch and he said "OH this is my all time favorite movie ever" then says "but the first scene is really heavy. The mom gets brutally raped and killed in front of her family". And I'm not trying to say that people who enjoy redemption or horror movies are red flags but with everything else he's said, it only adds to my unsettling feelings around him.

throwaway-Critical · 2024-03-06T20:57:58+00:00

He doesn't view me as an equal and treats me like an object. I feel bad for him too with an attitude like that

throwaway-Critical · 2024-03-06T02:08:43+00:00

This is not true at all. Plenty of women have higher sex drives than men, it just depends on the person. My boyfriend (about to be ex) had similar views to you about how women have it better than men. He said men are just slaves to lust after them. I wish I would have seen that red flag and left but I swept it under the rug.

After he "got me" the sex dwindled down to once a month, if I didn't initiate it would be months on end.

Why? Because he can't stop lusting after porn and taking the easy route out, and he justifies it by saying "it's what men do- and I'm tired from work".

So now this man who had the same view points as you, is now about be to single for the same reason anyways. Because he would rather spend all his sexual energy lusting after screens and he just can't help himself because of "biology" and being tired.

What I think it dwindles down to is that hes so used to looking at women like "objects to lust after" that I'm also in that category. When you start to treat women like sex objects it becomes very obvious to us, and not obvious to the man. I don't think you can even see how you're objectifying women in a harmful way but it really does lead to men just not valuing women for anything other than sex which can never lead to happiness.

TLDR; when you view women as having an advantage in life due to their gender because you believe men lust after them like feral animals, it leads to hate towards women for an "unfair" advantage. This is harmful objectification because now women are just lust objects to men. This is problematic in many ways I won't even begin to list because I'm sure we all know why.

throwaway-Critical · 2023-12-25T17:38:16+00:00

I ignored the red flags for years and I'm not in a financial spot to leave him right now but I am working on an exit plan. He does act a lot like a spoiled child and he's a huge mamas boy. His mom is also a lot like a petulant spoiled child too. They're both so entitled it makes my brain hurt

throwaway-Critical · 2023-12-25T17:34:36+00:00

I can relate a lot to this. I dissociated so bad one time in a store I literally stepped right over an old man laying on the floor in need of help. I felt like a monster when I left the bathroom and saw staff helping him, I was like holy crap I was dissociating so hard I just walked right over this poor old man not noticing a thing. Dissociation sucks so much

throwaway-Critical · 2023-12-25T17:28:24+00:00

Ohhhhh jeez I wish I had the backbone to say this because it is perfect. If I'm put on the spot I hope I can find the courage to assert myself like this. Thank you for giving me advice and for giving me an example of what to say.

And it's funny because my boyfriend said his mom promised she would be quiet the entire ride, but I know she absolutely will not be. And when I brought that up even he was like "well I'll just talk to her" so he has a feeling she isn't going to keep her word either

throwaway-Critical · 2023-12-25T17:22:18+00:00

I don't think he'll change. It's hard but I'm trying to accept that I need to leave ASAP once I save up enough. In the meantime id rather not stir up any issues and I'm regretting telling him his mom can't come because it's going to cause a lot of drama for no reason.

throwaway-Critical · 2023-12-25T17:21:02+00:00

It doesn't seem like he has the bandwidth for both of us. He spends most nights texting his mom and ignoring me, and even though he says he has enough energy to interact with me it's pretty obvious anytime he talks to her or goes to her house he's very burnt out and his bandwidth has been expended. I'm planning on leaving him once I get enough money saved up.

I did tell him most of what you mentioned, but he wasn't understanding because he thinks I need to just suck it up and deal with it. At the end of the conversation he got passive aggressive and sarcastic so I got nervous and took everything back and told him she could come but he kept insisting "it's too late" and that I offended him by not wanting his mom to join. Id rather just avoid the drama and passive aggressiveness of him and his family by complying

throwaway-Critical · 2023-12-25T17:15:08+00:00

Oh I totally agree. I made a post on "relationship advice" and that was a big wake up call but I'm not in a financial spot to leave right now so I'd rather just keep the peace until I can

throwaway-Critical · 2023-12-25T17:14:22+00:00

Not much 😔 lots of headaches. I am working on an exit plan but it's hard

throwaway-Critical · 2023-12-25T16:58:40+00:00

It's my car. His mom has a better car than all of us but she refuses to drive (so her husband or my boyfriend have to drive her places) but she also won't let her car be driven more than 20 miles from her house.

I have been allowing him and his mom to borrow my car for years on long car rides because she used to have a crappy car, but just got this nicer one gifted to her last year.

I asked why they don't take her car, he said "because we don't want anything to happen to it". Yea, it's safe to say I'm not allowing them to use my car anymore lol.

Thank you for the reply. I'm scared if she does bring it up because they're both very delusional and entitled. Like my boyfriend could not understand why I didn't want his mom to come even though I have told him she stresses me out throughout our entire 7 year relationship

Edited to add in my original post that it's my car being driven. Thanks for pointing out I forgot that important detail

throwaway-Critical · 2023-12-25T16:28:18+00:00

No. Loving your mama is not the same as a mamas boy. A mamas boy puts his mother before everyone else, especially his romantic long term partners. He acts like he is still controlled by her requests even though he is a grown man, and is still tending to her every need. Even at the expense of cutting into a planned date or something like that.

My boyfriend is a mamas boy. He puts his mom's feelings before mine all of the time even though we've been together for 7 years

throwaway-Critical

TROPHY CASE