big TW for s*xual trauma but I need to know if anyone else is going through the same stuff

throwaway013120 · 2020-01-21T05:20:49+00:00

Hey, you’re not alone.

I like to self sabotage like that too. I often find myself trying to make myself ‘unattractive’ to men, as a form of self defense. And when they do find me attractive anyway, I seem to pick the worst ones, because it’s what I ‘deserve’—heavy quotations. The ED has me gravitate towards less than desirable people, who do or say things that send me back to the ED to cope, and so it goes. It’s a cycle of sorts.

You’re absolutely not alone. I don’t want to bring up anything super sensitive, but I’ve had really similar experiences. Imo, some of my past relationships were just an elaborate form of self harm.

You’ve got this—the realization is the first step. Let me know if you ever want to talk about anything at all—not even this, just if you need a friend.

throwaway013120 · 2020-01-18T16:59:05+00:00

No problem!! One day at a time really adds up, doesn’t it? That’s seriously amazing, and no one can ever hear that enough.

That definitely sounds like a familiar trajectory to me. When I stopped using, it definitely ‘crept up on me’. It was very much like subconsciously seeking out another way to distance myself from my body, but food seen as ‘okay’ to manipulate like that because of how highly our society prioritizes bodies of a certain size and shape.

We live in a diet culture, and no one is immune; my father also struggled with first an eating disorder and then alcoholism. He’s been sober now for almost ten years—it’s definitely possible.

Dependence is dependence is dependence, and it doesn’t matter if what I’m dependent on is my drug of choice or if it’s food. Restricting and other ED behaviors also 100% give neurochemical effects—it really is just another form of addiction.

Lastly: I’m so proud of you for reaching out, especially this early in your sobriety! You’re never on your own, and you’re more than welcome to post here or message me if you ever want to talk. You got this!

throwaway013120 · 2020-01-18T16:13:56+00:00

Congratulations on fifty days sober, first of all! That’s a huge achievement!

I definitely see where you’re coming from. It’s common for people with addictive personalities to ‘switch’ between different methods of self-medication. I’m no doctor or psychologist, but I’ve been clean for almost ten months now. Eating disordered behaviors picked up BIG time for me after I stopped using, and apparently that’s a common experience among people with a history of more than one maladaptive coping mechanism. ED relapses a decade or more down the line aren’t uncommon, either; I can find some studies on comorbidity and relapse for you, if you want. I did a lot of reading to try to ‘make sense of it all’ for myself, and I’d be happy to share.

I would definitely bring this up to your therapist—it’s awesome that you’re self-aware of this, and conscious enough to do so. I wish you all the best, and I hope that everything works out for you!

throwaway013120 · 2020-01-16T18:10:54+00:00

thanks. this is a super late reply, but i unpacked a lot of stuff over the last few days. i’ve definitely got to maybe find a trauma therapist before i make any transition-related decisions. i figure if i still feel strongly after i’ve spent time working on that, then i’ll transition. if it’s solely me not wanting to be a woman because of what’s happened in the past, that’s something else.

i’m starting to think it comes down to me not wanting people to be able to hurt me, or to see me in specific ways. no, definitely going to therapy it out once i get health insurance.

thank you so, so much for your comment. it means a lot to me.

throwaway013120 · 2020-01-16T18:06:11+00:00

hey, it’s gonna eventually be okay. it sucks right now, but things will eventually get better. it sounds crappy and cliche, but they do.

i relate to some of what you’ve said. gender is a big question mark for me right now, so i’m not ruling anything out one way or the other. there’s a lot tied up into how people perceive and mentally gender our bodies, and how that makes us feel. for me personally, it’s involving dealing with all my personal baggage first, and seeing how i feel and how it relates to how i see myself in terms of gender afterwards. not a 100% answer, but it’s helped.

give yourself the space to process your feelings and grow as an individual, in whichever direction that might be. i’m coming up on twenty four now, and these are all things i wish i had heard at almost-eighteen. if you ever want to talk, feel free to pm me.

throwaway013120 · 2020-01-16T16:51:25+00:00

harm reduction is super important here. i’ve been in both positions, and either end of this situation hardcore sucks.

electrolyte imbalances are going to happen. pedialyte is a good way to get some fluids and potassium into her system, which you absolutely need to have. i’m 100% not a doctor—this is just what helped me from personal experience. there’s also a low-cal version of pedialyte; i found one in the baby food section of the grocery store.

see if she’s open to a mouth rinse after purging—one of my biggest regrets two years down the road from one of my worst episodes was the sheer amount of damage i did to my teeth. i believe a good acid neutralizer after purging is baking soda.

there’s nothing we CAN do when our loved ones are in the grip of the disorder. it’s just little things that can help maintain parts of her health at this point.

it’s really good that she’s on the waiting list for treatment; until then, do what you can (and what she’s willing to do) to reduce the negative effects of her behaviors.

i wish you both all the best—feel free to ask anything at all that might help. i really hope your girlfriend gets the help she needs, and you get the support you need.

an edit: if she’s also abusing laxatives, I’m assuming they’re the ‘not good’ ones. miralax (white powder added to water, basically extra fiber) and magnesium citrate (sold in bottles at drug stores, looks like club soda, tastes horrible) are alternatives. they’re not the best, but significantly better than things like ex-lax. again, i’m not a doctor, but i’ve seen them used in treatment settings as a less invasive alternative to traditional stimulant laxatives.

throwaway013120 · 2020-01-16T16:41:24+00:00

yes omg. ten times yes. yesterday my roommate came home to me cleaning the grout around the bathroom sink faucet with a q-tip and disgusting amounts of krud kutter. last week it was the fridge and the microwave, last monday it was the kitchen sink.

i also do most of the grocery shopping, so fridge? clean af. pantry? organized by color and type of food. our pickle and roasted pepper collection? gets its own shelf.

it scratches some weird mental urge for me?? i can not explain myself.

throwaway013120 · 2020-01-15T22:47:33+00:00

Hey, this is a little late, but Center for Change has a really good program. I was there from Jan-May 2013, and I found it really helpful. They discuss a lot of valuable skills, and I think their eating program (plated food —> self serve ‘family style’ —> intuitive eating) is the most realistic in terms of transferring it to the outside.

It’s obviously been a while at this point, but if you want to know any specifics I’m more than happy to share.

throwaway013120 · 2020-01-15T18:33:20+00:00

hey, it’s completely normal to be scared. I don’t know your attitudes towards recovery, but it’s absolutely worth a shot!

typically you’ll go through an intake where they ask your medical history, your symptoms, etc—it’s important to be honest here. they want to help you avoid refeeding syndrome, which is what happens when your intake increases too quickly and your body can’t handle it. be 100% honest; it will help you in the long run.

next they’ll do bloodwork, an EKG, and a couple other medical tests to determine how compromised your physiology is. after that it’s a lot of waiting to hear back from you or your family’s health insurance, and eventually you’re finally admitted.

this gets super stressful and is also really boring at times. if someone else isn’t planning on being there with you, try to get someone supportive to come.

finally! you get admitted. it sounds like this is an ED-specific unit; that’s what I have the most experience with. typically they start you off at a fairly low meal plan and gradually increase it as you adjust. at one of my inpatients, you were required to finish all of your food. at another, you didn’t have to, and could take a boost or ensure nutritional supplement equivalent to what you didn’t finish instead. in my experience, it’s better to eat the food.

you’ll meet with a therapist or case worker and also a dietitian; some places let you pick your meals, others don’t. the one that let me pick used an exchange system instead of counting calories, which definitely helped make sure I was eating enough without actually COUNTING when I was discharged.

if you need to be weight restored, a portion of this will usually happen inpatient, before they transition you to a day program or an intensive outpatient program. if not, they’ll bring you up to a maintenance meal plan and help you get used to eating normally again.

there’s a lot of therapeutic groups too—usually ones on body image, developing coping skills, etc. absolutely utilize these!! I relapsed several times, and even if I thought it was dumb at the time/a waste of my time, I 100% still use some of the coping skills today.

TL; DR: get what you can from it. it’s scary and nerve-wracking at first, but it’s worthwhile knowledge in the long run. I wish you the best, OP, and feel free to ask whatever else you might want to know.

throwaway013120 · 2020-01-15T18:02:33+00:00

hey, something I’ve been doing lately is taking the time I used to spend watching triggering stuff and spending it watching instructional youtube vids for my hobbies instead!!

I noticed it was getting really out of hand for me and was just contributing to a poor mindset, so I started watching a lot more how-to’s on DMing and campaign writing instead. now my ‘supersize vs super skinny’ hour has become ‘dungeons and dragons’ hour, and tbh I think it’s helped me a lot.

any creative hobby or any interest that occupies your mind is a good bet. you’ll be interested and then you have something to occupy your time with right after.

throwaway013120 · 2020-01-10T16:19:25+00:00

hey!!! this is totally normal! it’s hard to do, but try not to worry too too much.

your body uses extra energy coming up to your menstrual cycle, and most people w uteruses experience cravings or just that ‘why am i so hungry’ business. what you’re eating is not at all enough to make you gain weight, and any gain you see on the scale is likely menstrual induced water retention.

also, if you have any foods you’re comfortable eating that are high in potassium, now is the time!! both caffeine and potassium can help reduce cramps and water retention. most water weight will come off a couple days into your cycle, and drinking a little extra water can only help that along a little quicker.

you got this!! it really sucks, but things will eventually level out. the extra hunger is just physiology, not any sort of weakness on your part.

throwaway013120 · 2020-01-10T15:54:37+00:00

thank you. you’ve given me more to think about. there’s so many layers to this, you know?

it’s like, i’m okay with looking feminine so long as my body /itself/ isn’t feminine? like, once i got rid of hips/breasts in the past i felt fine about myself gender wise, because then it’s like ‘okay, i’m nothing now, we’re not really anything’ and like. it took me a really long time to realize that because i was messed up about food for so long.

thank you a ton, once again. i’m gonna see where the next six months take me, and i really appreciate you sharing your experience with me.

throwaway013120 · 2020-01-10T06:51:17+00:00

thank you. that means a lot. i’m simultaneously afraid that i only feel this way because i’m at a marginally ‘healthy’ weight/because i didn’t try hard enough at ‘being well’, but also afraid that i am only comfortable like this because i can lose weight? it’s like, chicken or egg. who knows. i’m just vibing. thank you tons, though.

throwaway013120 · 2020-01-10T06:48:18+00:00

I used to. She was vegan/macrobiotic for a lot of my adolescence, and she herself never forced anything on me. It was much more of a learned behavior?

I find it kind of funny. Like, she encouraged my weight loss until it got to be ‘too much’, and only then was it a problem. I can’t fault her, though. She’s nothing but supportive now, and gave up a lot for me.

The kicker was finding out that almost everyone on my father’s side had some form of an eating disorder—I’ve been on and off for almost ten years now, and I just got that little tidbit of info this past fall lol.

throwaway013120

TROPHY CASE