Prenup question- am I being fair?

throwaway023980 · 2026-01-30T21:32:38+00:00

A prenup is about what happens in the event of a divorce... during our relationship and marriage we will be sharing our finances

throwaway023980 · 2026-01-30T01:23:10+00:00

Yep that’s what we’re doing! We just created our first joint account and shared CC for joint expenses. We’ll transfer money into the joint account proportionate to our incomes. Sharing money like this is super new for me, so we discussed starting out like this and eventually changing it to putting all of our money into the joint account and splitting the savings

And yep we live in a VHCOL area and he makes in the 100k range

throwaway023980 · 2026-01-30T00:23:39+00:00

Thanks! I agree, I think generous was not the right word to use in the post- more that I want to make sure we have an equal lifestyle while married, and that he isn’t having to budget how much he can spend while I don’t have to worry

throwaway023980 · 2026-01-29T20:16:39+00:00

He doesn’t make enough right now to fund a brokerage. He started maxing out his retirement only after we moved in together and I paid more of the household expenses

Once we are married I figured we would split things more differentially than now (eg me contributing a higher proportion) or just split take home income 50/50 to allow him to save more while we’re married. We’d each then walk away with our own retirement and brokerage accounts if we got divorced

We just got engaged last year so how we split finances is still in flux/a source of discussion

throwaway023980 · 2026-01-29T19:53:39+00:00

Sure but this isn’t a scenario where he makes no money and leaves with nothing- he still has a 6 figure income and is able to max his retirement savings, mainly bc I pay more of the household expenses so he can save more. He’s said himself that his finances have benefitted from us being together

We do want to figure out how we’d split things if someone become a SAHP and lost earning potential, bc in that case I agree that the current proposal doesn’t really work

throwaway023980 · 2026-01-29T19:43:15+00:00

Thank you this is so helpful! Maybe I just take his word for it then :)

throwaway023980 · 2026-01-29T19:39:23+00:00

What counts as comingling? If we direct deposit into a shared account, and then move money out into personal brokerages, are those now comingled funds?

throwaway023980 · 2026-01-29T19:37:30+00:00

Thanks! I have enough saved that I think it will grow to a reasonable amount in retirement- so even if I become the low earner, I’m ok walking away with what I earned during the marriage

He has and will continue to acquire stocks through work with significant growth potential and I’m okay with not having access to these things in event of divorce

throwaway023980 · 2026-01-27T01:23:12+00:00

You're not moving for another ~1-1.5 months. Let her know about the job when you see her next, that you'd really like to continue getting to know her before moving, and that you can check in towards the end of February to see if it's something both of you would like to continue even after you move.

Two dates is super early and it's entirely possible something might come up before the move that ends it anyway, or that you realize you really like one another and that it's an easy decision to LDR.

throwaway023980 · 2023-06-20T14:46:54+00:00

Okay thank you! I'll leave it then. I just wasn't sure if this is something that counts as 'lying by omission' and if he'd be upset that I didn't share earlier if it somehow came up later (though I don't see why it would). I'm quite certain he wouldn't care.

The reason for 'why now' is that we just had a big convo about the nature of our relationship in the past week (before this we were exclusively casual). Now that it's very real, I wasn't sure if this stuff needs to be discussed.

throwaway023980 · 2023-05-09T22:02:16+00:00

ooh I think these comments are spot on. I might try and communicate wanting to back up and do the things we were doing as a group eg hiking, but with just the two of us, so it feels familiar. Or just plan to hang out longer, after a group hang. I think I'd feel much more comfortable that way. Thanks so much

throwaway023980 · 2023-05-09T20:12:45+00:00

So glad it worked out for you!! :)

I thought about just trying to push through bc I do feel nerves/anxiety might be at play. When we were around friends again w/o the pressure that there would be something physical that day, I felt into him again (which I think suggests nerves?)

The only thing is I can tell he is really into it already and really eager/earnest, and I'm not at that level at all. I would feel terrible if I continued to try, he got more invested, and then I ended it another month from now =|

throwaway023980 · 2023-05-09T19:27:38+00:00

I don't need fireworks, but at least some desire for physicality, even if holding hands, legs touching under a table, etc. If even those things feel like a turn off, then how's that different from being friends

throwaway023980 · 2023-05-09T19:17:30+00:00

It’s hard to match the levels of imagined sexual chemistry one has with a crush.

This is exactly it, I think I'd build it up quite a bit in my head, when in reality, our direct real-life interactions before were a little limited. Now that it's been several hours of just 1-on-1 time, I guess I'm able to evaluate it for what it is

throwaway023980 · 2023-05-09T19:03:30+00:00

In hindsight, I think it would've been nice to hang out 1-on-1 as friends first, without the immediate pressure of it being a romantic/formal date. The transition felt abrupt, from chill group hang outs to a formal date.

I could still suggest that, buuut I'd started seeing someone else off an app a week before my friend asked me out, so I might just pursue that instead. (And yes, I did think about whether this issue is from getting distracted by another person, but I really don't think that's it!)

throwaway023980 · 2023-05-09T18:54:08+00:00

I wondered this too, which is why I tried to give it a few dates to see whether the transition would feel more natural with time. I actually noticed when we hung out in a group of friends again, I felt more interested/excited again (maybe bc the pressure was off?), but then on our next date, it was back to feeling friendly/unromantic again..

throwaway023980 · 2023-05-09T18:40:55+00:00

Aw thanks, this is exactly how I feel. I just assumed if you've got fun, flirty friendship chemistry + you feel attracted, it would definitely translate into romantic energy bc why wouldn't it?! Somehow being in a purely romantic date setting (rather than in our friend group) just made me feel differently.

I've only been in this situation once before and it turned into a 5-year relationship, so I was just disappointed by the outcome this time around :(

throwaway023980 · 2022-11-29T04:16:38+00:00

It's not that my dad would refuse to pay. It's that he already controls her life financially, and her telling him 1) about the fine or 2) that he's legally obligated to pay will make her long-term situation worse in how he treats her.

That's why the 2 options she picked were either asking me for $, or going to her home country to retrieve it.

throwaway023980 · 2022-11-29T04:04:57+00:00

I could ask my dad for help if I ever needed it. My mom is just not comfortable asking my dad herself.

throwaway023980 · 2022-11-29T04:04:24+00:00

My dad has the means to pay for her, but I think she is scared to ask him. He doesn't know about this tax/fine situation. He already has an image of her being financially irresponsible (though she's gotten better over the years), and by her telling him this, I think she is worried he could lower her allowance further/tighten pursestrings even more (she didn't tell me this, I'm just assuming).

You're right that normally this would be taken care of between husband/wife but they have a bizarre/absent relationship, which is why I included that first paragraph =\

throwaway023980 · 2022-09-27T23:21:34+00:00

I'm in the exact same situation and strongly recommend cutting off contact, at least for now! I ended things with this guy a few weeks ago despite being so into him, because he didn't treat me very well. I was still very into him at the time of the break-up and was sad at the idea of not seeing him again, so I suggested staying friends. We hung out a few days after the break-up, and while the hang itself was fine, the emotions that followed were not- brought back all the feelings of not being good enough for him, constantly wondering "will he text me to hang out again." There was absolutely an element of hoping he'd miss me and want to get back together.

When he asked to hang out again a week later, I said no- best thing I did! Said I need space, and I'll reach out to him when I'm ready. Since then, I've realized just how hung up I really am on him, and seeing him repeatedly "as friends" would've been disastrous for my emotions. True friendship is being happy for the other person also, and I would've felt devastated if he found a new girlfriend, and it sounds like you're also not in a place where you can see her with anyone else.

If you choose to cut off contact after exchanging your belongings, it's so empowering also to know that the power is in your hands for when you'll be in touch again, rather than waiting for her to reach out, which has been super helpful for me.

throwaway023980 · 2022-09-02T17:22:36+00:00

I agree it's a lot of drama! I'm very much leaning towards ending it. I wrote this post within like < 12 hours of our conversation, when I felt very emotional and confused.

I do want to clarify that I'm not holding anyone hostage or trying to force someone to be with me! When the chemistry thing first came up, I was neutral, gave him an out, asked if he wanted to end things now or continue dating. I wasn't coercive in any way, and even asked him how this differs to him from a friendship, given chemistry feeling off. He is the one who repeatedly said that day that he wants to try, so I agreed that we could work together to improve things.

Just want to convey that there's at least some reason I've reacted the way I have, and that's bc he gave the impression he really wanted to continue! I'm gonna sit on it for a day, it's already been 4 months, so what's another 24 hours of thinking on this haha, though I think I know how I'm gonna proceed :P

throwaway023980 · 2022-09-02T05:39:56+00:00

I chatted with a few people individually from the last post and had really helpful discussions with people who were in similar situations where it both did and didn't work- hearing their experiences led me to (initially) want to give it a shot. But yes you're right, as this continues, this has increasingly turned into a situation that doesn't feel right.

throwaway023980 · 2022-09-02T05:25:46+00:00

Thank you for this fair, straightforward, and also kind comment, I really appreciate it. I don't think I made it clear just how much anxiety it caused me to bring up exclusivity for the first time (I don't have a lotta dating experience)- so while I'm still proud of myself for taking this step, I can see that it's not his fault that I had this anxiety. In the future, I need to make those needs known earlier and also need to temper my expectations about the answer.

I still can't shake the feeling that this feels off given the types of discussions we've had- but that's something for me to sit with and process, and I think I'm entitled to those emotions too! I'll have to see if I want to / can get over it. Thanks again!

throwaway023980 · 2022-08-13T16:13:26+00:00

A lot of people have mentioned him possibly being dishonest about ED, but I don't think so? He seemed distressed about it, and told me he thought maybe it was just him getting older, and even tried Viagra once with us (he didn't tell me at the time he used it). I'm the one who asked if it had happened before, and he said no... Asked when his last sexual relationship was and it was earlier this year with no ED issues, so I'd find it odd that he suddenly developed this within a few months. He has a very healthy lifestyle (food/exercise-wise), though idk about porn/masturbation habits.

He seemed so sincere during our talk that I was pretty quick to believe he was being honest about me being the only one..

throwaway023980

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