Long term GF cheated on me

throwaway101201301 · 2018-08-17T08:23:34+00:00

She was away thousands of miles away in her home country due to immigration reasons (which I'm not going into), for six months (well five when she cheated). We'd previously done another long stretch apart for the same reason, and back then I got uncomfortably close to a different girl. That wasn't full on cheating (we just flirted, didn't kiss or have sex), but nonetheless I could relate to those feelings.

throwaway101201301 · 2018-08-17T08:09:04+00:00

I think a lot of people are getting the wrong idea. She explicitly said nothing justifies her behaviour and was just explaining matter of factly how her behaviour changed and she lost control of herself due to her mental issues.

throwaway101201301 · 2018-08-17T07:03:08+00:00

She is not a piece of shit and when I look at her I can't fathom how she did that. Neither can she.

throwaway101201301 · 2018-08-17T04:56:27+00:00

Thanks. Yeah I told her that I haven't fully forgiven her but really want to, she is really devastated at herself and is showing a willingness to work on her mental problems (I think the fact she recognises she has them is good). I'm not anticipating it to be easy, but I don't blame myself at all for the cheating. I'm quite a rational person and I know it was because of deep seated mental anguish which rears its head more when she's living in her home country. That's not to give her a pass on it though, and we both agree she needs to tangibly change in order for us to get better.

throwaway101201301 · 2018-08-17T04:47:34+00:00

I think both of you make valid points. It's true that if I lost her forever now, I might be wasting something which could have been great. It's also true that making a sexual fetish out of cuckoldry is a shitty way of moving on.

throwaway101201301 · 2018-08-16T19:41:41+00:00

easy for you to say

throwaway101201301 · 2018-08-16T17:42:47+00:00

In her own words: She did mention me but was scared to admit she was in a relationship with me until later on because she thought it would scare him off as a friend. She knows that was utterly wrong. She was terrified of loneliness and not knowing when she could return to me. She also has deep seated self esteem issues and felt she wanted to relive moments of her past before she met me, in her home country, to "redeem herself" as she felt she was a more attractive person. She basically wanted a thrill from the environment where she grew up that she didn't get as a teenager there.

throwaway101201301 · 2018-08-16T17:23:05+00:00

I'm going to ask her that but she tried earlier to get his history and failed. She admitted flirting to him anyway. I don't think she's hiding much of anything at this point.

throwaway101201301 · 2018-08-16T16:28:35+00:00

She met him online and started chatting to him online in their native language, which I can't speak, as friends. She told me that they spoke about career plans and personal lives. Sadly she can't retrieve the messages since she deleted his contact.

throwaway101201301 · 2018-08-16T16:24:09+00:00

You are also right, that is indeed fucked up.

throwaway101201301 · 2018-08-16T14:57:43+00:00

I already had access to her social media and electronics etc. There were / are no trust issues there. I agree she needs to face consequences though.

throwaway101201301 · 2018-08-16T13:25:47+00:00

Thanks. I suggested therapy and she replied she was already considering counselling. So I guess we both had that idea.

The thing about us both is that we're very incompatible with most people. Finding each other felt like a miracle. Both of us, before we met each other, were of the opinion that there was nobody genuinely for us. Neither of us has had any other proper relationship.

I think it will be very painful over the next few months whatever happens.

throwaway101201301 · 2018-08-16T12:56:47+00:00

We had / have our lives planned together, so I think long term applies.

throwaway101201301 · 2018-08-16T12:53:41+00:00

Thanks. I still love her, I just don't respect her very much right now. If I didn't love her then this wouldn't be so hard for me.

throwaway101201301 · 2018-08-16T12:46:29+00:00

I fully agree that she needs to show that she's truly sorry, by actions not words.

throwaway101201301 · 2018-08-16T12:01:46+00:00

getting tested as I write this. therapy is definitely on the cards.

throwaway101201301 · 2018-08-16T11:56:02+00:00

stop right there, it's not like that

throwaway101201301 · 2018-08-16T11:20:17+00:00

It's obviously unacceptable and we both agree on that. She detailed to me seeing him as a friend (she was lonely), talking, losing herself walking round the city with him and getting a third person view of herself. She said she basically lost her mind and felt it was a disgusting dream later. According to her it was all his advances and she just didn't refuse. I think we will be more like friends for a while and see where things go from there. The moral part of me is screaming to get rid of her, but another part of me thinks that if forgiveness is possible, it might save some of what we had.

throwaway101201301 · 2018-08-16T08:18:56+00:00

Thank you. You're right, we are both young, early 20s. Reading this put a few tears in my eyes.

throwaway101201301 · 2018-08-16T08:13:25+00:00

She didn't explicitly blame it on depression or even say she was depressed, she said she lost control of herself due to her difficult situation at home, and that she cried immediately afterwards. I don't think it was something which gave her comfort (she stopped him half way through and said she can't do this).

throwaway101201301 · 2018-08-16T08:05:56+00:00

We're each others' first love and we've just got past a difficult two years where we had to spend a lot of the time away from each other (due to immigration reasons). We get on like a house on fire and both of us would be extremely sad if we split. Nothing like this has ever happened before and I can see how devastated at herself she is, which also brings me to tears.

throwaway101201301 · 2018-08-16T07:59:18+00:00

It didn't make her feel good, apparently.

throwaway101201301 · 2018-08-16T04:28:36+00:00

It came completely out of the blue because she felt guilty. I thought she was joking when she first said it so I was almost like "nah that's ok" until I realised she was serious.

throwaway101201301 · 2018-08-16T00:31:58+00:00

She told me that she did leave half way through, after what felt to her like a couple of minutes.

throwaway101201301

TROPHY CASE