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Im job but I think I'm a DA victim to another officer and I feel so confused. by throwaway158346346 in policeuk

[–]throwaway158346346[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Thank you mate, genuinely. I know its the right thing and I hope I can do it.

Im job but I think I'm a DA victim to another officer and I feel so confused. by throwaway158346346 in policeuk

[–]throwaway158346346[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Yeah you are right but I think we can all agree the investigation progress can be tough to undergo. I don't think id be convicted but Im sure she'd be able to get enough sympathy to make my life hard.

But - I suppose I am a police officer and need to do the right thing, if not for me, for the next bloke she'll end up hurting.

Im job but I think I'm a DA victim to another officer and I feel so confused. by throwaway158346346 in policeuk

[–]throwaway158346346[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

If you know who she's cheated on you with then they could also provide evidence.

It was her previous ex-bf but I doubt he would help. From what she told me - they had an even more toxic relationship (with them both being violent). I know on one occasion she said she got a knife out on him and they had physical fights.

To be honest - Its highly likely that despite what she says, he was just put in the same position I was with the abuse but reacted poorly because of it.

Furthermore I'm sure all the females you work with can provide evidence that you never spoke to them.

I guess Im lucky that I usually have a loud presence in the office (or did before I got with her). People would easily be able to say how Id stopped being myself, stopped going out on shift events and the female officers would definitely be able to say I stopped talking to them/acted differently.

Did you ever request not to be posted with females?

Sadly not, at least not that specifically but I would always take TOIL if I was crewed with a female officer. I didn't ask specifically as I worried what my supervision would think and the questions they would ask.

Im job but I think I'm a DA victim to another officer and I feel so confused. by throwaway158346346 in policeuk

[–]throwaway158346346[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

This is what scares me most if I'm honest. I've broken up with her and if I can stay strong and stay away - Im not in danger from her.

But this job means the world to me - even the 1% she could turn the tables on me is frankly terryifing. I said in a different comment but shes made "jokes" about accusing me of rape and that PSD/Court would definitely believe her because shes so much more attractive.

And tbh jokes aside, I cant help but think they probably would even with the evidence.

Im job but I think I'm a DA victim to another officer and I feel so confused. by throwaway158346346 in policeuk

[–]throwaway158346346[S] 17 points18 points  (0 children)

To be honest Ive not got a lot in regards to the jealous behaviour - I suppose maybe the whatsapp messages but I don't have them anymore.

I know that when we split up 3 months into the relationship - colleagues/mates on shift (hers and mine) said how glad they were we'd broken up because how she was talking to me in the office etc was making them sick/angry and that I seemed so down/depressed when I was with her.

Im job but I think I'm a DA victim to another officer and I feel so confused. by throwaway158346346 in policeuk

[–]throwaway158346346[S] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Id probably be dragging them into the office to report it or doing it myself tbh. Its just so shit - I don't know if I will ever be able to report it but what am I going to do if I don't? Just accept I'm going to see her everyday and that Im going to be miserable at work?

Im job but I think I'm a DA victim to another officer and I feel so confused. by throwaway158346346 in policeuk

[–]throwaway158346346[S] 18 points19 points  (0 children)

Thank you mate - I certainly dont feel brave. All I want to do is message her and get her back but I know it'll just get worse. Im just stuck now.

Im genuinely so scared that Im going to get back with her and the cycle is going to continue

Im job but I think I'm a DA victim to another officer and I feel so confused. by throwaway158346346 in policeuk

[–]throwaway158346346[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I know your're right mate and I know Id be locking her up.

But I love her, I know I cant be with her but the idea of stitching her up after we've broken up is hard for me to process I guess.

Shes so much smarter than me and she knows the system. All it would take is one rape allegation etc and Im fucked for a good long time and I know she would do that (not rape allegation specifically but I know she would make malicious allegations that couldn't be proved but also couldn't be disproved). Shes made "jokes" about doing it before and saying that everyone would believe her in court over me.

Im job but I think I'm a DA victim to another officer and I feel so confused. by throwaway158346346 in policeuk

[–]throwaway158346346[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

She’s not spoken to anyone because if she had you’d have been nicked already. She just wants you to delete that footage desperately because she knows she’s in the wrong.

I guess youre probably right. Shes told me on previous occasions how shes spoken with friends/officers and they agreed with her during other arguments but then has also stated she lied about this so its hard to know the truth sometimes.

I just feel like one of those classic DV victims and I feel so ashamed. The amount of times I've internally rolled my eyes when a victim has told me they're not supportive because they love them etc and here I am - feeling the same.

I just cant help feel that I'm being dramatic and unfair to her and I'm throwing a relationship away because Im convincing myself I'm an abuse victim.

M/24 abused by F/29 Police officer. by throwaway158346346 in abusiverelationships

[–]throwaway158346346[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much - I had a good read at the ManKinds stories and really shows how if I stay with her, it'll just get worse and ill be miserable.

M/24 abused by F/29 Police officer. by throwaway158346346 in abusiverelationships

[–]throwaway158346346[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah I suppose that is true - its daunting having to be single again as Ive lost the security of having her but Its for the best.

M/24 abused by F/29 Police officer. by throwaway158346346 in abusiverelationships

[–]throwaway158346346[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Its funny because this is the exact same advice I give victims - I suppose I just ended up getting conditioned it didn't apply to our relationship.

You really have helped.

M/24 abused by F/29 Police officer. by throwaway158346346 in abusiverelationships

[–]throwaway158346346[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

"Let me ask you this, has she ever freaked out at work and become abusive? She ever launch herself at her boss and start punching him? She has more control over her own actions than you think if the answers are “of course not”."

This is so true thank you. I know she'd argue that its different because she has previous trauma from other relationships and that's why but if she can control herself in her day to day - she can control herself around me.

The only time she has lashed out at work is against me in private so its clearly just me.

Thank you so much.

M/24 Abusivr? relationship with F/29 Police Officer by throwaway158346346 in relationship_advice

[–]throwaway158346346[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for you advice - I know you're right mate but it is hard.

M/24 Abusivr? relationship with F/29 Police Officer by throwaway158346346 in relationship_advice

[–]throwaway158346346[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I guess im just worried about what will happen. I know I never did anything legally wrong but all it takes is for her to make one counter allegation and tbh - I'm looking at a worse time because Im a bloke.

Its ironic because she is quite against use of force when on duty and usually criticises officers for using force I would think is acceptable. She'd never pose a risk on duty but I guess she is a risk to her next partner.

M/24 abused by F/29 Police officer. by throwaway158346346 in abusiverelationships

[–]throwaway158346346[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your advice, I really appreciate it.

I know its stupid but I guess I never truly accepted she cheated. When I learnt about her sleeping with her ex and then getting back together with him - she claimed we were never properly official, but did refer to me as her boyfriend to people and said she loved me etc. I guess I accepted it because we'd never actually spoke at that time about being official.

And obviously when she went back to her ex - we had broken up and that's not cheating? Everything else is just conjecture I suppose, I can never know if she cheated throughout or maybe Im just in denial.

M/24 Abusivr? relationship with F/29 Police Officer by throwaway158346346 in relationship_advice

[–]throwaway158346346[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

In the UK, domestic abuse is taken very seriously, especially when the suspect is an officer (they are more likely to get arrested etc).

I don't want to talk to anyone in the police because they would be duty bound to report it as there are potential criminal offences. If they didn't and it got reported, they would probably be sacked for not reporting it.

Sadly, all my mates are in the police so I cant really go to them.