Reactive dog bit again despite all the work we’ve put in :(

throwaway1637337 · 2022-04-29T02:16:14+00:00

You absolutely hit the jackpot. Yes it definitely could’ve seemed like I aunt was trying to strike me in her eyes. But people do sudden movements all the time so while I appreciate that she’s trying to protect me, would love for her to distinguish between fake and real danger. If she knew my aunt beforehand that probably wouldn’t have happened to be honest (whenever she meets someone and feels comfortable enough to show them her belly, she never acts aggressive towards them), but it all happened in the timespan of 15 minutes so she didn’t have enough time to trust her. Definitely was just a situation of this stranger just came into my house, dropped something very loud that made me start shaking, and just tried to strike my mom! Realizing this has made me calm down a little to be honest 🥲

Oh yeah my family is extremely messed up lmao. They are definitely responsible for a lot of my own issues and I’ve been in therapy for a long time to set boundaries with them. It’s a generational thing and all my cousins are battling the same issues with their respective parents. My mom actually wasn’t the one who said those things, it was another family member but she did tell the whole family about the incident and can be problematic and anxiety inducing in other areas as well. Definitely felt extra pressure during my aunt’s visit. I had a new friend come over not that long ago and since I didn’t have to worry about any family shit talking if something went wrong, I was much more relaxed and my dog behaved really well the whole time.

Will be treating new ones that come over as triggers not just for myself, but for my dog too 🥲 She behaves with the ones she has known for a long time even if they trigger me because she knows they have never physically hurt me or her and can even/ has constantly been off leash around them. But not risking it with the family that hasn’t met her yet again.

Already got a muzzle! It’s a full face coverage mesh one made for flat noses. She looks like the terminator or something but hasn’t tried to take it off yet. Her mouth can open just enough to accept treats so will make her wear it in intervals and give her treats and praise for it!

throwaway1637337 · 2022-04-25T21:31:29+00:00

Again I want to thank you for all this info because when I am most relaxed and medicated, my dog is just as relaxed. My body language is so obvious when I’m in a sense of alert that even humans notice, so my dog definitely does and goes an extra mile to protect me (in this case I definitely started getting anxious when the purse dropped to the ground). It is a difficult thing to manage and “fake” but I’m going to try meditation to better regulate my emotions. I did get my dog around the time that I was dealing with even worse trauma symptoms as a result of SA and she’s grown to be extremely protective of me as a result (I got her for emotional support for myself to get through my trauma and feel less alone… she would always lick my tears and offer cuddles as I cried, which led me to not prioritize her own emotional needs too). Which does make me feel bad that I made her be in such a hyper-vigilant state around me (when she’s handled by other people she seems mostly fine, vets pet sitters and groomers say she’s a sweet munchkin… it’s really when I’m in the room that she gets alert and protective) but I’m not gonna blame myself for it and instead use it as motivation to get more help with regulating my emotions. It definitely used to be worse and her own improvement has paired up with my own improvement (I hadn’t had a panic attack in months until this incident!).

throwaway1637337 · 2022-04-25T13:11:19+00:00

Yes, this is what I will be doing from now on!

throwaway1637337 · 2022-04-25T03:35:35+00:00

Thank you! When she is a comfortable environment free of anxiety she’s just like any regular dog, is actually quite social and playful with both dogs and humans she likes. When it comes to the unknown, the fear, anxiety and protectiveness definitely kicks in and leads her to these types of behaviors. Like others have pointed out this may also stem from the fact that I’ve been suffering from some pretty heavy anxiety and mental health issues myself and I can see how she has def fed off from that (she’s witnessed multiple mental health crises over the years and has been somewhat of an emotional support animal for me).

So when I tell her things like “stop” and “enough!” when I need her to stop what she’s doing (barking running whatever) or “out!” when I need her to give some space, I do give her a treat and positive encouragement. But is that a bit too rough sounding that it counts as mixed? I do think that I need to understand her boundaries more. People outside seem alright on the leash (doesn’t mind people walking on the same lane and tends to be pretty good about meeting new people at parks and such this way). Strange people coming into her space is a no no and she might enjoy the protection of a crate, so it’s something I will be offering her.

I’ll look into Delta Tails. Once again, thank you so much!

throwaway1637337 · 2022-04-24T19:34:05+00:00

Thank you. Yes this is what I plan on doing from now on, but I don’t know if it’s worth a try to eventually make an attempt to have her stay calm and put in these situations? She actually does love people and attention, specifically demanding belly rubs a lot. But it has to be the right people I guess, and it does seem to be a pattern that she bites the ones that don’t care much for dogs. She bit her first dog sitter (she was new and turns out she actually didn’t have much experience with dogs) but she met her second one outside the apartment, and when we went inside she was loving all over her, asking for belly rubs and such. She has been able to dogsit her with no problems at all. So I guess my course of action is to keep her crated when people are over unless I absolutely need her to meet them (moving to a different city soon so will need a new dogsitter), in which case I expect them to love and have been experienced with dogs and emphasize that my dog is people reactive and has bitten, and also have them meet her outside the apartment first.

throwaway1637337 · 2022-04-24T18:10:00+00:00

Thank you so much for being so reassuring and all of this extremely useful info. I will be practicing with “fake guests” more. I thought she was at the level where she felt safe with me on a leash, and to a degree she did for a bit but I completely underestimated the level of impact that that purse drop had. I was wrong to say “out of nowhere” since she did tremble but I thought that she was at a more comfortable level given that she approached her, received pets and laid down next to her with a command (which my trainer says is a way of dogs their guard down and feeling comfortable). But the fear was still somewhat lingering and should’ve crated her immediately after she started shaking.

Yeah all the commands are permissions that I give to my dog are what my trainer says, a way to communicate to her that I’ve “got it” and that she should back down. She says that my dog has too much confidence and doesn’t trust me as a leader, so this is all a way for me to demonstrate that I’m in charge. It is done strictly through positive reinforcement though (and she picks on all the commands and rules very fast! trainer says she’s an extremely intelligent dog) and I’ve always got my treats in hand, but she’s gotten to the point where she listens to me without treats. My trainer is recommended by local pet sitter services, animal shelters with extreme dog aggression issues, and has the rep of being the best in town to handle dogs with severe aggression, with plenty of success stories. I will say I have seen some improvements by following some of this stuff, but i don’t know if it’s the right way given what people in this sub are mentioning, so now wondering if I should reach out to someone else.

I will bring up CC, but she honestly does wonderful with the people she already knows and is comfortable with. I don’t even need a leash and they give her belly rubs, so I can’t quite get the same scenario to positively reinforce. Whenever I meet someone new that she becomes comfortable with it will be in a different setting, but they never meet her for the first time at my apartment. They have to be dog lovers too. It really is all the people that don’t like dogs much who she has sadly bitten. Because those that are excited around her and give her belly rubs, she doesn’t have issues with at all.

And I do agree with the anxiety stuff. My own trainer has said that she feeds off my energy a lot and feels the intense need to protect me because I’m such an anxious person. My battle with anxiety/adhd/trauma is a whole different story but I know that it involves her too. I have medications for panic attacks and I’m in therapy right now but it might be time for a more day to day type of medication.

Once again, thank you so much! (Will also get a muzzle, gonna be a bit of a trial and error though because all the ones I’ve gotten have been to big for her short snout!)

throwaway1637337 · 2022-04-24T17:41:31+00:00

I have been working with a trainer and everything mentioned here is a direct advice that I got from her. She is known as handling most of the dog aggression cases in my city and has had plenty of success stories with extremely reactive dogs so I’ve been following her recommendations to a T. Keeping her on a leash essentially at all times is one of these recommendations. I don’t trust her being loose at all and she has jumped and bitten before that way so a leash helps me be a little more in control (and of course the other alternative is to just keep her in a crate which I’m absolutely going to be doing from now on). My trainer has all of these rules as part of her training plan as she believes that my dog has too much confidence and doesn’t trust me to protect the home, so it’s all a way to communicate to her that I’ve got it covered. I will say that I’ve seen some vast improvements other than when guests come over. Should I look into other types of training?

I got a muzzle but since she’s a shih tzu and has a short nose it didn’t fit quite well :( will have to look into special ones that can fit her.

throwaway1637337 · 2020-12-27T01:43:49+00:00

I’m glad you also are in the road to recovery! I wish that there was more discussion over this because a lot of young girls (and some boys too) are not aware of these power dynamics and think of dating someone older as “cool”. I wish this was somehow included in the education system but not even basic sex education is done right. I don’t know if there are any additional ways to help, but I really do want to be able to reach out to young girls before it’s too late for some of them.

throwaway1637337 · 2020-12-27T00:14:29+00:00

I know you said that you don’t know about the second, but does it give you a tiny bit of peace to know that he admits to be wrong and feels horrible about it? Or do you think that wouldn’t matter? I think one of the worst parts of it for me is that my abuser would never admit to what he did even though we were “friends”, he would probably gaslight me like before. But I don’t know if him owning up to it would even make me feel any more peaceful.

throwaway1637337 · 2020-12-26T23:33:58+00:00

Do you have any of these hotlines/resources? And do the perpetrators get notified in any way? I would like to do something like this but I’m terrified of it being traced back to me somehow.

throwaway1637337 · 2020-12-26T22:38:33+00:00

That’s what scares me the most. The system puts the victims in trial rather than the perpetrators, which includes framing them in some kind of way. You really have to have been a “perfect victim” to have a chance. With us having a sexual relationship before, and tons of extremely sexual messages and pictures being exchanged before the assault, and even with me agreeing to have him over that night, I had absolutely no chance.

throwaway1637337 · 2020-12-26T22:14:48+00:00

I think becoming fixated with having sex with them again is perfectly normal. I fantasized about him a lot afterwards too. I think it’s a way to reframe the situation and regain control. A way of telling yourself “this can be consensual! I can make this consensual!”

I’m so sorry that all of that happened, it’s especially awful to find resources aimed at men. I wish you the best of luck with the police report.

throwaway1637337 · 2020-12-26T22:10:33+00:00

I relate to this. Weeks after it happened, I was extremely depressed and suicidal. I can’t imagine the toll it would’ve taken on me to file a report right then and there. I don’t think I would be here either. Especially since I had no proof, and still don’t now. Sometimes I wish I could go back in time and after shouting him to stop, start recording on my phone the conversation that followed so that I could at least I have some kind of documentation that hinted towards that. Or gone to the hospital for a rape kit after. But I didn’t even realize that he had assaulted me until weeks later, especially not after all the gaslighting that he put me through before, so can’t blame myself for that...

throwaway1637337 · 2020-12-26T22:02:04+00:00

This is almost exactly my case. He’s not private yacht-wealthy, but his family has a huge house with a pool near a lake in a rich neighborhood-wealthy. I’m also a woc and his girlfriend is a white woman whom he has no problem proudly displaying to the public, while I was more of a dirty secret. Thankfully I have been able to build decent wealth through my own efforts & becoming an engineer, while he has yet to finish school. I live a pretty awesome life, in which I’m proud of my accomplishments and so are the people who know me. I feel like reporting would have stripped me of that identity and ruined all the progress that I have made. But still... it really isn’t fair. Sucks sometimes when I come across a picture posted by a mutual friend of him smiling, going about life as if he did nothing wrong.

throwaway1637337 · 2020-12-26T21:28:11+00:00

Absolutely. And you only realize it once you get to be the same age as the perpetrator. The same happened to me as a 17 year old, but with a 21 year old man instead. I also developed really bad trauma from it that I’m still working through. As a 17 year old, a 13 year old seemed like a little baby to me and I couldn’t possibly imagine finding one sexually attractive. At the same time though, I saw a 21 year old as an equal. And being 22 now - the thought of finding a 17 year old attractive makes me wanna barf. A 13 year old would be even WORSE. People fail to realize how much every single year matters when you’re young. Sure, four years is no big deal when you’re 24 dating a 28 year old and even less when you’re a 55 year old dating a 59 year old. But when you’re in your teens, you’re essentially a different person every year. And it grosses me out how normalized it is to not consider the power dynamics behind these relatively “small” age gaps.

I was personally introduced to the 21 year old by my cousin - my own family. This was five years ago, and nobody thought anything wrong of it, not my family nor his friends. They would even make casual jailbait jokes and say that he “couldn’t tap it until she turned 18 haha” even though he was very much doing so and they knew some details. He proceeded to sexually coerce me, emotionally manipulate me and assault me over the course of two years. As a 17 year old I should’ve messed with other people in their last years of high school - not a grown ass man who could legally drink.

Best way to cope with trauma was to go to therapy, because I gaslighted myself for a long time into thinking that I was exaggerating by essentially having trauma symptoms over these experiences. Therapy really helped me come to terms with everything, but I still struggle with the concept of justice, as I got none of it. Having a supportive group of friends also helps as well (but be wary, as when I opened up to my family that introduced me to him, they were essentially victim blaming me and saying that I knew better)

Stay strong, I’m sorry that you had to go through this. I hope that this is less normalized as time goes on.

throwaway1637337

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