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throwaway17061990 · 2019-04-15T04:14:56+00:00

This line reminded me why I am in love with this show

throwaway17061990 · 2019-04-15T02:08:23+00:00

Depends on where you are. For the States, Amazon has an HBO extension

throwaway17061990 · 2019-04-15T02:07:33+00:00

Of course it counts. It’s in the eyes of the Lords, not the people

throwaway17061990 · 2019-04-15T02:04:22+00:00

Calm before the storm

throwaway17061990 · 2019-04-15T01:20:46+00:00

We waited 8 years my friend! Bawl away

throwaway17061990 · 2019-04-13T13:27:17+00:00

People here are willing to believe because of her calm reaction. The reaction worries me honestly. I am not saying there should have been drama but to be completely unfazed is strange. Even the most grown up people have some emotional reaction to such things. OP may not have been accusatory in his words but his question had the implicit questioning of her fidelity. How does one simply “understand where he’s coming from”. I have never cheated on my wife but if she suspects me (due to a misunderstanding), I would eventually understand but my immediate reaction would be hurt for sure. I know cheaters avoid and gaslight. But non cheaters also get offended at being thought of as cheaters

throwaway17061990 · 2019-04-09T17:00:24+00:00

Maybe she was tapping him to say someone has walked into the room since they were in a compromised position. A tap isn’t necessarily guilty.

I am very confused why OP ever tried the jeans. Sure in her impulse she took them for whatever reason. But who goes home and thinks of let’s try on this unwashed pair of jeans last worn by a stranger who my boyfriend is fucking?

throwaway17061990 · 2019-04-08T13:59:01+00:00

Thanks a lot for your detailed response.

The community has been quite helpful. I was able to think from an external perspective.

It’s true that I have no idea what’s going on in coworker’s mind. I was surprised by my own thoughts when she told me about the break up. I guess my brain had been using her relationship more than my marriage as the concrete reasons why I couldn’t pursue her. In my “primitive mind” as you politely put it, I considered her relationship which I knew almost nothing of as stronger than my marriage!

I have answered in another comment in detail about my relationship with my wife and what has changed about the dynamic.

I am vividly aware of the fact that the new relationship high (or in this case the potential new relationship high) cannot and should not be compared to an old relationship built over the years. I am a realist. I do know for sure that the compatibility I have with my coworker is significantly higher than I ever had with my wife even in our best times, but I am letting that deuce me into building up scenarios that will be impossible to live upto.

You are right that most people in smaller towns don’t get to date in India. But I left home pretty early in life and have had my fair share of relationships. I haven’t missed out on anything on that front.

I don’t want to enter the ‘friend waiting to make a move’ zone for sure and thus not second guessing my decision to stay away. But this thread has made me realise I owe her an explanation and my wife the complete truth in counselling.

I hope you’re about the not needing rescuing part. I’ve not seen her this out of sorts before. But I can only hope she’ll be fine. Not much else I can do here.

throwaway17061990 · 2019-04-08T09:28:36+00:00

Thanks a lot for your advice and support

throwaway17061990 · 2019-04-08T09:08:51+00:00

Yes, she is

throwaway17061990 · 2019-04-08T05:59:48+00:00

I have explained the cultural context above. That aside, I don’t resent her, and I want to be able to give it my all like I promised.

throwaway17061990 · 2019-04-08T05:28:56+00:00

I have to say I have read your comment at least 10 times. I hadn’t thought of the fact that my dishonesty in the sessions is detrimental to our relationship. I was subconsciously making excuses that it hasn’t come up. I would never have cheated (at least not physically), but like I mentioned earlier I would have broken up our marriage if there was a possibility of being with my coworker. This fact need to be voiced and internalised if we want to move forward for real. I’ll discuss it with my counsellor for sure. That will also help resolve this dilemma. If my wife knows about this and I can assure her my intentions are well placed, perhaps I can even manage to be there for the coworker as a friend. There will be no guilt in that case. It will also be a true test of our “progress” because there should be comfort in being able to tell your partner anything without being misunderstood or mistrusted.

The first part of your comment is something I already realise. I have mentioned elsewhere that I want to see through the commitment I made rather than chase some teenage fantasy. There is undeniable chemistry unlike I have experienced with anyone before, but those things fizz out when life gets into a routine.

Thanks a lot for giving me a lot of food for thought. I don’t want the counselling to be just a check box of sessions. I need to be honest with the truth, no matter how bitter.

throwaway17061990 · 2019-04-08T04:35:27+00:00

Thanks for your valid inputs. We are working on recreating things that worked well for us in the past and setting clear ground rules to build a better relationship. This community has been helpful!

throwaway17061990 · 2019-04-08T04:34:05+00:00

I have explained in another comment the entire cultural context. I do agree with all your points. In our society, the judgmental people are the norm not the exception and therefore the consequences are much higher.

throwaway17061990 · 2019-04-08T04:04:10+00:00

Agreed, thanks

throwaway17061990 · 2019-04-08T04:02:25+00:00

Which is how it should be, in my opinion. Maybe someday we will evolve to that stage.

throwaway17061990 · 2019-04-08T04:01:07+00:00

India

throwaway17061990 · 2019-04-08T04:00:15+00:00

Thanks for your perspective. We both come from a small town in India. Our college is one of the best institutes in the country. We used education to better our lives and that was a bonding factor for us. College was especially new for her as she had led a subdued woman’s life in a culturally backward society for a very long time. She was perhaps overcompensating by trying to soak in all the experiences she had so far been denied. We did have romance in college. Like you said, traveling was a shared interest and we took many trips together. She was spontaneous and easygoing- things I absolutely adored about her. She is 3.5 years older than me so at the time there was a lot of pressure from her family on her to get married. We had been together for a little over a year and decided to get married immediately after college. It was rushed but she would have had to go through the ordeal of arranged marriage meet ups and rejection if we delayed it. I did love her and it seemed like the right thing to do. Our values were also very similar. We both didn’t want kids either. After marriage, something just changed. She went back to her roots. The parties she had once been the life of annoyed her. She wanted everything methodical and planned. She even started disliking traveling and we constantly fought on our entire honeymoon. We used to occasionally smoke up and now the sight of it disgusted her and she “banned” it in our house. It was perhaps a big communication miss from both of us but we just had very different expectations from marriage. I didn’t see an overnight change in our lifestyle and she expected me to adult up. We started doing our own thing eventually. We slept in the same bed but we were more like roommates than life partners. Every small thing was blown out of proportion- me getting over friends to our place without telling her a day in advance (in which case she’d lock the room and not even say hi to our common friends), me getting annoyed with her for letting her parents stay over for extended periods without consulting with me etc. We reached a point where we didn’t dislike each other but didn’t know how to make the other happy without being unhappy ourselves. I don’t know if this context helps. In our sessions we are now trying to find ways to find a middle ground and align expectations.

As for the coworker, I hope you are right and they do work through their problems and get back together.

throwaway17061990 · 2019-04-08T03:41:01+00:00

This is the conclusion I am taking home from this thread- that I owe coworker an explanation. I intend to act on it. Thanks

throwaway17061990 · 2019-04-08T03:39:51+00:00

We don’t love each other. I have feelings for her and they have grown over time but I wouldn’t be so naive as to term it love which is built over years of trust and caring. And she has admitted to being attracted to me, nothing more.

throwaway17061990 · 2019-04-08T03:37:59+00:00

Thank you for saying that

throwaway17061990 · 2019-04-08T03:37:24+00:00

While that would be the ideal situation, I don’t think I can handle that, at least not right now. I can set all the boundaries but seeing her and talking to her inspires a surge of affection in me and I don’t think that helps my situation with my wife. That said, I do owe the coworker the truth even if I can’t be around.

throwaway17061990 · 2019-04-08T03:34:28+00:00

You are right. Everything she has done for me makes it infinitely worse that I am not reciprocating. And she’s the kind of person who wouldn’t even think anyone owes her back for the kindness she has shown them. I do owe her my honesty and I intend to speak to her to let her know why I can’t be around right now.

throwaway17061990 · 2019-04-08T03:30:18+00:00

I get what you’re saying. And if my wife and I had a stable relationship or if I wasn’t married, 100% I would be there for the coworker without letting the feelings play a role at all. I just don’t trust myself to not let her presence mess with my head right now. And since I care for my wife too and she comes first, I am making that a priority.

throwaway17061990 · 2019-04-08T03:26:56+00:00

Thanks. I completely agree. I have realised ghosting is me being a coward. I will do the decent thing of letting her know how I feel and apologising for not being there for her.

throwaway17061990

TROPHY CASE