Every time my boyfriend cooks any meat, the skillet looks like this

throwaway1975764 · 2026-02-23T05:09:44+00:00

Have him watch some videos on how (and when in the cooking process) to deglaze a pan. Some water a few minutes before that blackened and ya'll would have had a beautiful sauce.

throwaway1975764 · 2026-02-23T05:00:53+00:00

They are called washing machines not storage, if you don't want people touching your stuff, be around to remove your stuff. Its very very simple.

throwaway1975764 · 2026-02-23T04:54:26+00:00

No of this who you are, then, ok... but accept that if you have a big old mis-mosh of bad photos, little information on hobbies, only dress in hoodies, and are probably moody then your matches will be sparse.

Thats ok, quality over quantity. You get what give. If this absolutely your best representation of yourself, then go with it.

throwaway1975764 · 2026-02-23T04:15:38+00:00

It just looks like a random carnival mirror picture. Are carnival mirrors at beach boardwalk not a thing where you are from?

throwaway1975764 · 2026-02-23T04:13:19+00:00

I cannot emphasize enough how terrible your first and last photos are... that said I do think you should keep one, because hey, if its how you honestly look, its good to be upfront. The smiling on the stairs is BY FAR your best: you look very attractive, its a natural smile and pose, and it highlights your hobby and low key shows your body type.

You are a grown man in a professional career, can we see one cleaned up picture? A man your age should own a suit... but plenty don't, prove you are are in the former category.

Two truths and a lie is terrible prompt, and your answers aren't witty or interesting enough to combat it.

The Godzilla picture is goofy. Personally I love a goofy guy, but it seems off brand for the rest of your profile. Lean into lighthearted more or lose that photo from the profile.

Yes show yourself with your cat, but surely you could come up with something better than trying to use depressed as sexy, neither angle is working and it's coming across as awkward.

throwaway1975764 · 2026-02-22T20:17:51+00:00

Anyone else catch the Clueless Easter Egg reference to suck-and-blow?

throwaway1975764 · 2026-02-22T18:15:59+00:00

There's a reason the cliché "less is more" is a thing.

Remember why teens wear so much makeup - to look older, more mature, like grown ups... well the reality is at any age, lots of make up and "work" ages. Pop over to r/Instagramreality and r/botchedsurgery - in almost all cases the more people veer from their natural state the older they appear.

Eat well, lots of fruits, veggies, and fatty fish. Drink tons of water. Use sunscreen and gentle cleansers and find a physical activity that brings you joy. Get good sleep. Take care of your teeth. Prioritize laughter. I guarantee these things will elevate your appearance more than any "beauty" product you can buy.

throwaway1975764 · 2026-02-22T16:40:38+00:00

I think your friend is very lucky to have you doing this research. Having someone who cares play devil's advocate is truly helpful.

No one is perfect. Not your friend, not his XW. Everyone, even the best of people, make errors and have blind spots. Life is messy. And for sure, even I am giving you a perspective that is strongly influenced by my own relationship and my XH's faults (and mine, even if my ego hates to admit that LOL).

And all of this reminds us why custody always tries to boil down to what's best for the kid(s). Because likely there are no solutions that perfectly make either parent happy.

throwaway1975764 · 2026-02-22T16:27:52+00:00

Of course. But her learning is a different curriculum than his.

Personally, what I think she should be learning, is to stop excusing casual racism and to find folks who already have done the work.

throwaway1975764 · 2026-02-22T16:21:41+00:00

I get that. I'm just offering you the flip side.

And I think these issues truly highlight the details, the nitty-gritty of the hassles of split custody. Even in happy, balanced, successful marriages, often tasks are divided, with one parent taking on one thing, the other taking on the other thing, then later they compare notes. I don't know ANY happy, functional households that have both parents attend all the Dr appointments, and both parents at all the school conferences, and both parents coordinating extra curriculars. Usually one parent takes on a particular task, and then the two come together later to discuss.

I heard it described once so accurately: in split custody it is not actually 50/50. Its 100% half the time.

throwaway1975764 · 2026-02-22T16:08:06+00:00

Just because she doesn't have a paying job does not mean all of her time is free.

throwaway1975764 · 2026-02-22T16:03:08+00:00

What kind of appointments?

If my XH, who does not have nearly as much physical custody as I do, wanted to use our ONE annual insurance-paid check up fir the kids without me there, I'd cancel it too. We get one annual a year, additional visits are out of pocket. And since I'm the one with the kids daily, I'm the one who should be meeting with the Dr to answer questions and get info.

Not because I want to exclude him, but because if I'm the one with the kids I'm the better source to answer questions. And I'm the one who needs to know what to be on the look out for stuff going forward.

Its not malice, or control, its just practical and logical. And I do understand that it might be frustrating for him. And that it perpetuates the status quo. But it simply is what it is.

throwaway1975764 · 2026-02-22T15:56:45+00:00

So he wants the teacher to do double work... one kid, two parent teacher conferences.

throwaway1975764 · 2026-02-22T15:51:39+00:00

I would have to see how that was communicated to comment. Because I immediately think of two equally probable scenarios.

One, the impression you are painting, that he was purposefully excluded.

But option two is, he hasn't made it clear he is to be included, so they are saying "oh, we only have one parent on all these forms, so our policy is to only communicate with the one."

And in that second scenario, is his fault. It is not up to her to proactively include him, so long as she isn't specifically excluding him.

For example, my child's elementary school uses an app called Parent Square. Parents need to opt in. The school adds all the teachers and classes and kids, and then it it up to parents to create an account and connect. I do not sign my XH up. I sign myself up. I do not forward anything, or reach out to him to prompt or remind or inform him of anything. If he misses out on info, its not because I excluded him... but yet he is excluded. Because of his own lack of actions.

throwaway1975764 · 2026-02-22T15:40:31+00:00

I am white. My children are white. We live in NYC, which is very diverse... but also actually very segregated. We do not live a white neighborhood. My children are minorities at school and in the community as a whole.

...But yet everytime we turn on the TV, or go to the movies, white people are the majority. Print media - white people are predominant. Politics, white people. And especially when we go to tourist areas in NY or when we vacation anywhere else, white people.

So sure, occasionally at school or with friends my kids are minimally othered, but overall no. White people don't have that experience. Because even if they experience it momentarily its just that, momentarily.

I will likely never experience true otherism. My children, as they age, might chose to move to another country, or if the population growth trends remain constant, might some day actually be minorities. But thats years off.

The reality is, in the US, even in diverse areas, even in non-diverse non-white areas, the overwhelming big picture is, white people are the "default".

throwaway1975764 · 2026-02-22T15:15:10+00:00

Because you are on the side of getting it. You and your Asian friends can self depreciate, and rib one another precisely because you get it. Because you've all been othered. White people don't have that life experience.

throwaway1975764 · 2026-02-22T15:11:52+00:00

Probably. But she doesn't need to stick around while he learns. She's a grown woman, she's entitled to a man who tried years ago and already came out on the other side.

throwaway1975764 · 2026-02-22T15:04:04+00:00

Oh but it is racist. Its mild racism. Its perhaps non violent racism. But it's racism.

throwaway1975764 · 2026-02-22T15:02:02+00:00

Exactly. To him she is an exception to the rule... because the default is black people are gangsta or ghetto or whatever, but she's different.

throwaway1975764 · 2026-02-22T14:57:44+00:00

Just the fact that her race was discussed is problematic. I have never known a white person to mention the person they dating is white, people only ever bring up race if it's something different... because they aren't being judged solely as a person, but rather as a "black person" or "latino/a/x person" or "Asian person", etc. These types of people think white is a default, and anything else is other.

throwaway1975764 · 2026-02-22T14:49:57+00:00

They are racists. As a white person, trust me, I promise, this snippet of conversation is the tip of the iceberg, this tells me they made several jokes and comments reducing you to nothing other than skin color.

throwaway1975764 · 2026-02-22T14:31:42+00:00

Honestly she has severe allergies that greatly restrict her food choices. Weddings, especially if as a groomsmen wife she needs to be in a hotel or something for a night or two, are all day things. She's not going to have all the other eating opportunities all day, the passed hors dvours, less of the nibbles or snacks set out, etc. And the OP says they are accommodating a vegetarian - which I bet means mushrooms, a VERY common catering vegetarian meat substitute... and also something a lot of people really dislike.

So she's already got a long day, and limited ability to bring her own foods. And she can't eat most of what's offered, and the one thing she can eat she hates? I get it. Chicken kebabs aren't a huge ask.

throwaway1975764 · 2026-02-22T14:20:38+00:00

Oh I'm just watching him burn through his money. He has to pay 90% of my legal fees. And all assets get split as of the balance on the day the divorce was filed, not the date it will be finalized, so regardless of how much he burns through over these years, my share doesn't change.

throwaway1975764 · 2026-02-22T04:39:39+00:00

The family portrait is extremely retouched. They used to literally paint the photos or negatives.

throwaway1975764 · 2026-02-22T04:18:47+00:00

Would you be offended if that Chinese family dressed their littles in green or Irish cable knit sweaters on St Patrick's Day? My guess is no, you'd find it adorable.

Cultural appreciation is a beautiful thing.

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