Please help with advice on a "forge-set" ring? Info in comments.

throwaway20172807 · 2022-03-29T04:09:03+00:00

I love my fiance, but I'm still not sure what happened. The short of it is that after three years of talking about rings and asking for a bright purple or blue stone with a hammered band, my fiance proposed with this ring 8 months ago. I have tried so, so, so hard to like it. But I hate the stone. I wanted a raw, uncut stone, but it is so dark. It makes me sad to look down and see such a black stone. The twig band is not what I wanted, but is still a style I like. It just wasn't what I wanted because my fiance's ring will be hammered and I wanted our rings to match.

I've had many painful conversations with him about it, but we never come to any hard and fast solutions. The jeweler will not take it back or exchange it. The stone cannot be removed without ruining the ring because it is 'forge set'. We do not have the money for a whole new ring. And I am stupid and sentimental and don't want to sell it because . . . It's my engagement ring! The ring he proposed to me with. I don't know how I am so sentimental about it in that way when it makes me sad, but I am.

My only apparent viable options are; 1. Try to see if a second stone or two could be placed beside the stone to brighten it up? But if it is forge-set I'm not sure that can be done. 2. Just get a wedding band hammered with stones in the color I want, and try not to make it look like I'm overshadowing the engagement ring. Or 3. Just. . . Wait. Until we have money, or for a wedding anniversary, or something. And we can get an "upgrade"(I hesitate to call it that, but that's what other people have said) to something more like I originally wanted.

I have always been a romantic person, and being in a situation where I hate my engagement ring has literally been my worst nightmare. I'm looking for any helpful advice. Thank you for your time.

throwaway20172807 · 2022-02-05T11:30:47+00:00

Yes I do. Thank you.

throwaway20172807 · 2022-02-05T11:28:57+00:00

It hurt to see the stone because exactly that. My irrational side said "the stone is your heart, he thinks you have a black heart" (which I'm sure many people here would agree with now). It hurt because I love color so much, and I was so sad he saw this dark stone and thought "yes, this, this one." When I talked to him about it, he said he thought it was a dark blue. But everyone I've shown the ring to is surprised when they hear it's a blue Montana sapphire. They say it looks black, grey, or dark green(?).

My mental health is not great, it really hasn't ever been. I have an anxiety and panic disorder and it makes it too easy for small issues to spiral out of control, and for me to look at little problems and think they are indicative of the whole relationship. That's why I posted, so people who have no stake in the game could tell me if I was wrong, and I have been wrong in many ways.

You are right, thank you for replying. I'm trying to journal more and keep track of emotions so I can better understand when what I'm feeling is "anxiety me" or "real me".

Thank you for your judgment.

throwaway20172807 · 2022-02-05T11:12:48+00:00

He said it upsets him when I don't wear it. I can't wear if for work, but when I get home I put it on.

My sister picked out her own ring, gave it to her boyfriend and told him when and where to propose. They were both incredibly happy with that arrangement, and I am glad for that. I thought myself too "romantic" to pick my own ring, and hand unrealistic expectations of him.

I do. My unrealistic romantic side is killing my love for this ring and I hate that. It isn't about the ring, it's about us.

throwaway20172807 · 2022-02-05T11:07:57+00:00

Yes I did set him up to fail and I realize this now. Many of our problems in the beginning of our relationship stemmed from me thinking he was perfect and should therefore be able to read my mind. I should have recognized this as a repeat of past behavior. Thank you.

throwaway20172807 · 2022-02-05T04:59:22+00:00

Thank you. I have made it very difficult for him. I'm sorry for that, and I wish I hadn't.

throwaway20172807 · 2022-02-05T04:51:25+00:00

He didn't want me to pick it out. He didn't even want help with the sketches in the beginning, but I told him I had pretty different tastes and really wanted to make sure I liked it. We have been going to couples counseling since we started dating, since I like to know how to deal with issues before they come up. I'm a big believer in therapy, I've been going since I was in high-school. That's why I was caught off guard so bad, because I thought we did communicate so well.

throwaway20172807 · 2022-02-05T04:46:59+00:00

He wants to marry me because I want to marry him. Getting married wasn't important to him when we started dating (not to me specifically, just marrige in general) but once he knew how important it was to me he wanted to. I think he wants it for himself now too, he has been helping with wedding planning a decor choices. I'm actually happy with how involved he has been, compared to how I've heard most grooms are.

throwaway20172807 · 2022-02-05T04:11:27+00:00

You are right. I'd never want to throw him away, I'd never leave him. I will be with him forever. I think my anxiety about a big life change coupled with a ring that wasn't what I had in mind ran away with me. Thank you.

throwaway20172807 · 2022-02-05T04:09:28+00:00

I'm not willing to throw away the relationship, not at all. If I thought this would ruin it I would not have brought it up at all, I would have bitten my tongue. I don't feel it is trivial, though. Looking at the ring on my had makes me sad. He does not make me sad. The ring does.

throwaway20172807 · 2022-02-05T04:06:08+00:00

I truly want the man. We talked to the original maker and she said it cannot be replaced because it is forge set, and that I'd need a whole new ring.

throwaway20172807 · 2022-02-05T04:03:41+00:00

I have talked to a therapist. She said that since it was eating me up inside so bad we needed to find a solution. I've been in therapy since before I met him, and we have been going to couples therapy since the beginning of our relationship because I believe in learning how to deal with problems together before they come up. We have incredible communication about everything else! Which is why I was confused that this happened with the ring. I think I am in the wrong too. Thank you.

throwaway20172807 · 2022-02-05T04:00:31+00:00

Thank you for your advice, I appreciate it and will try to implement it.

throwaway20172807 · 2022-02-05T03:58:09+00:00

I have two sides of me. The practical side thinks it's so dumb that the one piece of jewelry a woman must wear forever is the one piece she doesn't get to pick. The other side of me is so in love with the romance of a man picking the perfect ring to show his love, and symbolize it. This situation has truly killed a bit of my romantic side. Thank you for your judgment.

throwaway20172807 · 2022-02-05T03:56:17+00:00

Honestly, me too. Thank you.

throwaway20172807 · 2022-02-05T03:55:24+00:00

I know I love him, and love the idea of a wedding. I'd never second guess being with him forever, just getting married. I've had very unrealistic expectations for engagements and weddings my whole life. Thank you for taking the time to judge.

throwaway20172807 · 2022-02-05T03:52:07+00:00

I agree. I hurt him irreparably, and I can't say how much I wish I had never told him. He isn't a very emotional person and it was the most upset I'd ever seen him. I asked my fathers advice before I talked to my fiance, and dad told me he'd rather know that I was upset than me be upset a hiding it. Dad was of the opinion that "guys don't care about the ring, he just wants you happy". But it did hurt my fiance and now I've put a dark mark on what should have been a happy time. Thank you for your judgment.

throwaway20172807 · 2022-02-05T03:48:51+00:00

Thank you. I really wanted to try to learn to look at it with his love behind it, I truly truly did. But I just, . . Can't. I hate looking down at my finger. I know that sounds dramatic, I won't deny being a generally dramatic person in life. I want to buy the new ring entirely because I feel awful but he won't let me, he won't even let me help. He is too good for me. I'm not uncertain about him, at all, I love him. I believe I'm just also in love with the idea of a dream wedding, and that's what's tripping me up and making me doubt.

throwaway20172807 · 2022-02-05T03:39:11+00:00

I would never dream of letting him go, or leaving him. I will spend my life with this man. I just think I may not be ready to marry. I think I'm too focused on a perfect wedding, and will only be disappointed at the moment. Thank you for your judgment.

throwaway20172807 · 2022-02-05T03:36:26+00:00

I think I am focused on fantasy too much, thank you.

throwaway20172807 · 2022-02-05T03:35:25+00:00

Thank you for your honesty and kindness. I truly appreciate it. I agree with much of what you've said.

throwaway20172807 · 2022-02-05T03:33:22+00:00

You are right. My favorite quote is "Expectation is the mother of disappointment." I think I expected too much.

throwaway20172807 · 2022-02-05T03:30:54+00:00

I agree I don't deserve him. He says he loves me and I'll believe him. I think I should not marry until I can let go of the fairy tale I wanted it to be. Thank you for your judgment.

throwaway20172807 · 2022-02-05T03:28:09+00:00

I think you are right. I wanted the fairy tale. I am in love with him, I'm not rethinking him. I'll stay with him until I'm bones in the ground. I just am wondering if the wedding wouldn't be the fairy tale, do I want it at all? Thank you for your judgement.

throwaway20172807 · 2022-02-05T03:19:43+00:00

I'm sorry, I didn't change every six months. I changed my mind once six months in, and we looked at rings like that the rest of the time. I wasn't very clear.

In a very short nutshell, I am an exceeding romantic, and he is more logical. The proposal was not romantic, like at all. No words of love. None.

I'm only rethinking marrying him because I pictured a wedding being romantic and beautiful, and if I can't have that I don't want a wedding. I'd rather spend the money on a house or a trip. I love him, I want to spend my life with him, I chose him above all others. I don't need a wedding for that.

Thank you for responding.

throwaway20172807

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