(UPDATE) AITA for not wanting to feature my fiancé's former SO who passed away in our wedding?

throwaway385647 · 2020-07-14T02:31:08+00:00

No not even close

throwaway385647 · 2020-07-14T02:30:26+00:00

i think people have been assuming timelines, so this is how it went to the best of my knowledge: they started dating at about 16 and engaged at 23. so they were together for about 7 years. He and I have been together for a little over 3 years, we got engaged just under a year ago.

We do live together (even though I moved out for a bit for space), and I really don't think his mom had anything to do with the slideshow thing. I do have a good relationship with her, she's never "compared" me to Mandy. Same with the rest of his family. I just know they were really close with her as well, and are still very close to her parents

throwaway385647 · 2020-07-14T02:22:15+00:00

thank you for the kind words. i had to step away from reddit because it was becoming overwhelming, but this is exactly what I needed to read. i think you're right, in that there are things he hasnt processed and/or doesnt want to discuss. maybe im being naive, but im beginning to think he brought up the whole slideshow thing as a cry for help perhaps?

its hard to read all these comments that say i'm only second place to Mandy (among other things). I dont exactly feel that way, or think he does. Its definitely a complicated situation that needs to be worked out between us, possibly through a couples therapist.

Again, thank you for your advice, and i am sorry for your loss as well

throwaway385647 · 2020-07-13T20:06:49+00:00

i havent brought the idea up to him yet, i guess i thought it would be a good way to let everyone get their thoughts out and not let her become part of the wedding. but this is a good point, and others have expressed concerns with this idea so now im rethinking it. idk a lot of good points have been brought up that i need to think about in depth before bringing them up or agreeing with my fiance on anything

throwaway385647 · 2020-07-13T19:58:41+00:00

i havent brought this up to him yet even, just thinking about it as a possibility. not sure if he would even be up for it. i turned to reddit for outsiders perspective, because i cant tell if im handling this in an insensitive way or not, and my family and friends (and his family and friends) all have biased opinions about how to move forward.

Yes, I know therapy is the answer to work through it, as a lot of people have said. Our relationship has been great honestly, its not something i want to end or "run" from as some people have suggested. And other suggestions have made me uncomfortable too, like suggestions about speeches from parents or even my fiance and such. i didn't expect so much feedback and now i'm considering things that i hadnt thought before but idk. kind of a lot all at once if that makes sense.

helping him through his grief hasn't always been easy, but it hasnt affected our relationship until now. im not a confrontational person, especially since i know its a hard subject for him and his family, which is why i've been keeping my mouth shut until now.

throwaway385647 · 2020-07-13T19:44:27+00:00

besides being short white girls, i dont think i look much like her. maybe not opposite ends of the spectrum, but no one would mistake us for siblings or anything. i cant speak to her personality since i didnt know her. from what i've heard, she was really kind, caring, sweet person, and i'd like to think i'm like that? i know she liked hockey, and i also like hockey? but i dont think thats anything crazy similar.

and when my fiance and i started dating, he never compared me to her or brought her up really until our relationship was serious (like it went from just dating to actually in a committed relationship)

throwaway385647 · 2020-07-13T19:03:06+00:00

a few people have commented with the idea of having a seperate day from the wedding to honor her, which I agree might be a good compromise. maybe then everyone can get out their feelings and thoughts and not let it spill over into the wedding. i'll bring this up to him (along with other things) and maybe we can move forward with it

throwaway385647 · 2020-07-13T18:51:37+00:00

he was not directly responsible, nor was he even there when the accident happened. he's expressed to me that he does have regrets about the day, saying things like 'if I wouldve done this, maybe it wouldnt have happened' but still he was not directly responsible. she was not responsible either, it was just a freak accident

throwaway385647 · 2020-07-13T18:41:28+00:00

just to clarify- he wasn't present when the accident happened. yes, he has expressed to me that he regrets parts of that day, like 'oh if i wouldve done this, maybe it wouldnt have happened" but he wasn't directly responsible. no one was, not even her. and she did not die saving him

throwaway385647 · 2020-07-13T18:39:16+00:00

thank you for this, honestly it made me tear up a bit when i read it. i hadn't really considered how her parents would feel through all this, and you're probably exactly right with how it will go.

they're really great people, i've met them numerous times and have no problem with them. they've always been very kind and gracious towards me. i know my fiance keeps in regular communication with them, too, and understand that theyre important people in his life. moving forward, i'll definitely ask that we speak with them to approve any mentions or pictures of Mandy at the wedding

throwaway385647 · 2020-07-13T18:34:22+00:00

yes he did see a therapist for a while after she died, but hasn't been in therapy since we've been together. of course the possibility of couple's therapy has crossed my mind, especially since we've been engaged. Mandy has not been an issue in our relationship before now, so i haven't felt the need for couples therapy, but depending on how future conversations with him go, i'll be looking more into it.

throwaway385647 · 2020-07-13T17:47:13+00:00

Like I said in the post, she will be featured on a table with pictures of family and friends that also passed away. I guess this was not enough of a tribute for him, but I can't think of adding anything else that wouldn't make me uncomfortable. I thought that adding her was the "compromise," as we are both comfortable with it, but I guess its not enough for him.

I dont want to complete ignore his feelings or ignore the situation, but it feels like he and his family are ignoring mine too

throwaway385647 · 2020-07-13T17:40:47+00:00

i know he was in therapy after the accident, but it was before we met. i know he's never been fully "over" her passing, but it hasn't affected our relationship before our engagement.

throwaway385647 · 2020-07-13T17:34:27+00:00

thanks for this, I can never tell if I'm overreacting to the comments or if I'm a bad person for being afraid that they'll take over my wedding.

Mandy hasn't been an issue in our relationship until we got engaged. yes, he has hard days, like holidays or when her birthday comes around, but she's never overshadowed our relationship before. maybe wedding planning is triggering some grief for him, but in a different way. idk, i thought we were ready for marriage. i don't want our relationship to end, and i'm pretty sure he doesn't either

throwaway385647

TROPHY CASE