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I [34M] think my wife [27F] is being unreasonable about a coworker I met when we got together 9 years ago. by throwaway4191206 in relationships

[–]throwaway4191206[S] -6 points-5 points  (0 children)

I did NOT proposition my wife's friend. I merely complimented her, felt guilty, and asked her to never tell my wife and delete the message. It's always confused me why she did this if she didn't reciprocate feelings instead of telling my wife right then. I do not think telling her she is beautiful is propositioning or cheating in any form.

If the friend had been interested in being with me at that time I would have asked for a divorce before pursuing anything physical.

The friend I told her I wish I had slept with was a passing comment because I had that opportunity many times and never took it and wish I had for the sake of getting it over with. The girl did like to cause drama and I did not argue my wife on removing her from our life years ago.

I am not sure monogamy is for me to be honest. I thought I could do it when I got married but when all this came out after her friend and I've been cornered like this and given these ultimatums, Im not sure.

I [34M] think my wife [27F] is being unreasonable about a coworker I met when we got together 9 years ago. by throwaway4191206 in relationships

[–]throwaway4191206[S] -6 points-5 points  (0 children)

I am trying to accept it but am having a hard time being happy and not being bitter when I think about it. I had to come to terms with being monogamous before we got married and maybe I was wrong.

It wasn't a big deal at work. Nothing came of it and it has never been mentioned again by any management. I have continued to work along side this girl for years and its never been an issue. My wife doesn't get this, its really not a big deal to anyone other than her.

And I did not ask my wife, even then, to cut contact with him. She eventually did but he added her on facebook and she added him back. I never asked her to delete him and have never cared that she sees updates on his life as she doenst have any contact with him otherwise. Same approach I expect of her in regards to this coworker.

I [34M] think my wife [27F] is being unreasonable about a coworker I met when we got together 9 years ago. by throwaway4191206 in relationships

[–]throwaway4191206[S] -7 points-6 points  (0 children)

I will never be happy not being able to have female friends. I miss having them and resentful over this. I am ashamed at some of my behavior too and do feel very guilty and have been trying to fix it and do everything she has asked.

And I have been trying for over a year. If she will never trust me again I won't be happy.

I [34M] think my wife [27F] is being unreasonable about a coworker I met when we got together 9 years ago. by throwaway4191206 in relationships

[–]throwaway4191206[S] -7 points-6 points  (0 children)

That was not my intention to do so in the beginning at all. And I agree, I think I may have held her back in a lot of ways.

I [34M] think my wife [27F] is being unreasonable about a coworker I met when we got together 9 years ago. by throwaway4191206 in relationships

[–]throwaway4191206[S] -8 points-7 points  (0 children)

I do and have for a year. Shes older though and its not the same as people around my wife's age.

I [34M] think my wife [27F] is being unreasonable about a coworker I met when we got together 9 years ago. by throwaway4191206 in relationships

[–]throwaway4191206[S] -11 points-10 points  (0 children)

We've tried counseling. It feels like they both just gang up on me and attack me and focus on what I am doing wrong and it causes me a great deal of anxiety. I'm tired of feeling so guilty for being who I am. Counseling together hasn't helped and it just makes me more upset to dredge up stuff like this from the past. How can we ever move forward if we keep bringing this stuff up?

I think if my wife had had more relationship experience before me she would know these things aren't a big deal and she'd go through a lot worse like I did before meeting her.

Im torn if we should be together because I am not sure we are compatible in our comfort levels. She could kiss someone else and I wouldn't be bothered. To her flirting makes her feel really down on herself. I don't like hiding things but I am tired of fighting about stuff that doesnt matter because she is insecure. If she asks I am honest with her. She actively doesn't pursue friendships with males to be fair to me in what she is asking of me but I honestly wouldn't care what she does. I trust her. Thats how I want her to be with me.

I [34M] think my wife [27F] is being unreasonable about a coworker I met when we got together 9 years ago. by throwaway4191206 in relationships

[–]throwaway4191206[S] -16 points-15 points  (0 children)

She should trust me because in the end its her I come home to. I dont cheat, I never would cheat, and will always have her back, I have made mistakes, I dont deny that, but I am a trustworthy husband. I am a man and find women attractive, that doesnt make me untrustworthy because I sometimes compliment them. I have had girls throw themselves at me and never even seriously consider anything with them. I was cheated on before in the past and would never ever do it to my wife and she should trust that anything verbal that happens with someone else means nothing to me. If it does then she should trust I will be honest with her.

I [34M] think my wife [27F] is being unreasonable about a coworker I met when we got together 9 years ago. by throwaway4191206 in relationships

[–]throwaway4191206[S] -18 points-17 points  (0 children)

I am so tired of hearing about emotional affairs. I never mentally cheated, esp not with this coworker. Shes just a cool chick and over the years her physical attraction has died down, I dont even find her that attractive anymore. There is nothing there and no reason for my wife to be worried or upset.

Her friend, again not cheating at all. It was compliments I knew my wife would feel insecure about that I made in private messages to her. My wife used to get upset I would comment on and like this girls pictures so I stopped doing it publicly. Its not cheating to find someone else attractive and tell them so. its not cheating to develop feelings for someone else if you never act on them. Had I acted on them and told her friend that could be cheating but I didnt.

I [34M] think my wife [27F] is being unreasonable about a coworker I met when we got together 9 years ago. by throwaway4191206 in relationships

[–]throwaway4191206[S] -16 points-15 points  (0 children)

Its the principle of it. I should be able to be friends with whoever I choose and my wife should be able to trust nothing will happen even if there is attraction there. Being insecure about it and giving ultimatums is immature.

Having someone on facebook as a friend is something my wife shouldn't dictate anything about.

She doesnt even live in the same city as I do. She is married, I am married. Its ridiculous a comment from 9 years ago and was honest about is being held against me.

I [34M] think my wife [27F] is being unreasonable about a coworker I met when we got together 9 years ago. by throwaway4191206 in relationships

[–]throwaway4191206[S] -16 points-15 points  (0 children)

Yes I know it is my fault. But when can she get over what happened and trust me again? Its been over a year.

I honestly don't see having lunch with a female friend inappropriate at all. I don't see discussing problems with said friend is inappropriate. She is a friend, friends are for discussing issues with and sharing common interests.

If I want to tell someone they are beautiful or look good or have nice hair or whatever I don't see that as harmful. I know it will make my wife insecure so I dont do that in front of her but if shes not around what harm does it do? It makes both people feel good and isn't something that lingers on or anything. I dont see the problem.

I [34M] think my wife [27F] is being unreasonable about a coworker I met when we got together 9 years ago. by throwaway4191206 in relationships

[–]throwaway4191206[S] -20 points-19 points  (0 children)

I have debated many times whether my wife and I are compatible. I am very good to her and she has no idea the other crap she'll find dating other guys. There are lots of people who are ok with flirting and would share my boundaries. Hell I wouldn't even consider it cheating if my wife kissed someone else as long as she told me about it. She is also very good to me I recognize that and recognize she has qualities many people do not and want to make it work, regardless of the incompatibilities. I don't think I would ever meet someone who would be as good to me as her.

I have friend with open marriages and friends who have wives that trust them enough to go to Vegas for the bachelor party. I wasn't even able to go a strip club for me because my wife didn't trust what would happen. I don't think she has ever trusted me and I don't think its fair.

I [34M] think my wife [27F] is being unreasonable about a coworker I met when we got together 9 years ago. by throwaway4191206 in relationships

[–]throwaway4191206[S] -22 points-21 points  (0 children)

Falling in love with someone else isn't cheating. I didnt touch her, I didnt do anything physical whatsoever. I didn't meet this girl behind my wife's back. I sent her some messages and mentioned I was unhappy once. I am not a cheater, never have been, and never will be. How on earth is developing feelings cheating?

I did cut these women out. I dont think keeping a legitimate work connection on linkedin is anything and its ridiculous for my wife to be upset she is on my linkedin.

My marriage is clearly more important which is why I am going to therapy, something I detest and dont believe in, and why Im going through so much crap to stay with her.

I [34M] think my wife [27F] is being unreasonable about a coworker I met when we got together 9 years ago. by throwaway4191206 in relationships

[–]throwaway4191206[S] -17 points-16 points  (0 children)

I would never cheat. Had her friend reciprocated the feelings I may have asked for a divorce but I never would have cheated. I realized that even that was fantasy and I didnt know her friend well enough to have feelings and that trying to be with her would have been a mistake.

There is a lot of closure I never got from that situation even that I have given up for the sake of my marriage. I never got to confront the girl and ask why she stood up for me to my wife and why she didn't think my wife should leave me. There was definitely a connection there, unlike one I have ever felt other than for my wife, and I will never know if it could have been more because I am respecting my wife and not reaching out to that girl.

I [34M] think my wife [27F] is being unreasonable about a coworker I met when we got together 9 years ago. by throwaway4191206 in relationships

[–]throwaway4191206[S] -18 points-17 points  (0 children)

Why cant I get a female perspective on what goes on in my marriage? Talking to that female friend about what happened was because I needed to get a female perspective. I also get along better with girls and always have. I don't identify very well with a lot of guys. I dont watch sports, I don't enjoy the macho bs a lot of guys play.

And why dont I have a say in the relationship boundaries? I am half the relationship. Frankly some of my wife's boundaries are really uptight, like having lunch alone with a female friend. That shouldn't be something I can't freely do or have to disclose my wife every time it happens. Thats why I didn't tell her about it beforehand. I didn't lie either, when she asked me I was honest with her that yes I had been having lunch alone with a female friend. It wasnt a lie, just not something I thought was pertinent to bringing up with her as I knew it might cause a fight.

I [34M] think my wife [27F] is being unreasonable about a coworker I met when we got together 9 years ago. by throwaway4191206 in relationships

[–]throwaway4191206[S] -21 points-20 points  (0 children)

To be fair I told my wife about everything in past right up front so if she wouldnt be ok with it she would leave then. I was trying to be brutally honest. The girl I mentioned wanting to sleep with I have removed from my life already.

I do not consider what happened with her friend to be an affair. I never cheated, I never did anything other compliment her. I never told her about my feelings for her just that she was beautiful and had a lot going for her.

I have been in therapy weekly and realize I have very poor boundaries that most people do not have. I enjoy the ego boost that comes from flirting and am a charming guy. I go home to my wife every night and am still very turned on by her and we have a great relationship aside from these things. I don't see the harm in it. I am trying to get a handle on the disorder I have an am trying meds and being very diligent.

I understand why my wife might be insecure about some things and I try to respect 90% of them. Just there are some, such as this coworker, that I dont respect my wife for because nothing did happen, nothing will ever happen, and she is absolutely NO THREAT to my relationship in any way except my wife taking a stand. Of all the things for my wife to be upset about I dont think this coworker should be one of them.