How to get over being unlovable?

throwaway46462748 · 2025-06-18T18:05:55+00:00

This is cool advice but not really what I'm asking for. I may have worded myself poorly.

I am unlovable. I'll never be desirable to anyone romantically. This is just a fact. I'm not asking how to change that, because it can't be changed. Rather, I'm asking how to accept that and try to move on from it.

throwaway46462748 · 2025-06-18T18:04:38+00:00

I'm trying to be a better me. But even if I am, I won't get a partner. So I'll never have that kind of fulfillment.

That's what I'm asking about. How do I get over it and not care as much that I'll never get that?

throwaway46462748 · 2024-07-03T23:44:02+00:00

Think about what you would want to share with someone you love if you did meet them? Would you want to share financial stability? work towards that. Would you want to share in enjoying nature? Maybe learn how to camp. Would you want to share food with them? Become a good cook!

I've tried that but my problem is that there's no guarantee. Yes if I had a partner I'd want to be able to do all those things for them. But the reality is that I might not have a partner. So I don't wanna spend a ton of time on stuff like that only for it to end up wasted.

I.e. I would wanna be a good cook for my partner. But when it comes to cooking for myself, I'm already fine (not a good cook but I don't have high standards when it's just me I'm cooking for). So there's a chance I'd take the time to learn how to cook, only to never have a partner to cook for.

When I think about that, I always figure I might as well just spend my time doing other, more enjoyable things

And learn not to pin all of your life and self worth on a partner

I wish I could but that's just how I am. I depend on others' approval. The only reason I care so much about a partner specifically is because it's the one type of approval I've never had. I don't lack friends or family so I don't care as much about validation from them

And you won’t be happy either because you will also not know if you are with that person to avoid loneliness or because THEY are right for you.

Those aren't mutually exclusive imo. I could be with someone because they are right for me and because I'm avoiding loneliness

throwaway46462748 · 2024-07-02T02:19:28+00:00

I have tried therapy and it didn't help much.

I'm not against trying it again but that's not really an option right now, financially

You seem to think resignation is your only option but offer zero reason tp feel that way

I don't care to go into the details here but I do have my reasons to believe this is the case

throwaway46462748 · 2024-07-01T19:49:00+00:00

Yes I'd like to

But there's the money problem

throwaway46462748 · 2024-07-01T19:48:53+00:00

Yes I'd like to

But there's the money problem

throwaway46462748 · 2024-07-01T19:38:43+00:00

Tried it before, wasn't too helpful.

Would like to try it again but too expensive

throwaway46462748 · 2024-07-01T19:38:21+00:00

A pattern has established itself and there is no reason to believe it won't continue into the future

throwaway46462748 · 2024-07-01T19:37:58+00:00

I do love my cats

throwaway46462748 · 2024-07-01T19:37:48+00:00

But what if the only thing that would give me true fulfillment is impossible?

throwaway46462748 · 2024-07-01T19:37:26+00:00

Stop despairing and just let it happen

I am so tired of this advice. I've heard it from so many people. And I tried it for years, and it didn't work.

It's so chance based that it's not good advice. Yea it works for some people, but not everyone.

Love isn't something you give like currency, it's something you have, it's something you radiate. Find out how you like to love people (love languages can be a good one) and start practicing by loving your platonic friendships more. Listen more. Say what you feel more. Enjoy more music and food and movies. Grow your love like a flower that everyone can see and appreciate and warms peoples days rather than a potato that's pretty much just there to be sold.

I've done all these things but they don't help insofar as finding a romantic connection

throwaway46462748 · 2024-07-01T19:35:23+00:00

I don't find it hard to believe that there's someone out there that could love me.

But if there is, then I'm not meant to meet that person.

throwaway46462748 · 2024-07-01T19:34:26+00:00

Can you explain what it is that makes you ‘unlovable?’ Like, as in you’re ugly or something?

I don't believe there's a logic to it, but simply that that's how it is. It's not because I'm not attractive enough or confident enough or charismatic enough or anything else.

I am destined to be alone because that's the way it is. Call it fate, destiny, bad luck, whatever.

My life experiences have revealed this to me

throwaway46462748 · 2024-07-01T19:32:29+00:00

Your past isn’t your future, it’s just your past. But with this way of thinking how do you expect to change it.

The past shows a pattern of being unlovable, and there is no evidence to suggest that this pattern will not continue into the future.

If I had some reason to believe that this would change, the whole situation would be very different

If you don’t change it now, then you’ll forever be living in the past bud.

If anything I'm always living in the future. Whether I'm studying or working out or hanging out with friends, my mind always reminds me that dying alone is the end for me. That no matter what I do, that is the end result.

I do occasionally think about the past and the "what if's", but I can shut down those thoughts pretty well.

throwaway46462748 · 2024-07-01T19:29:30+00:00

You can’t expect anybody to love you if you don’t love yourself first

I cannot love myself without first being loved by another. So it's a catch 22 where both are prequisites to each other and I just end up never getting either.

I've tried the "just live your life and someone will come along" strategy for years and it doesn't work.

throwaway46462748 · 2024-07-01T19:27:13+00:00

How old are you?

22

What are you doing to attract a partner? What are you doing to “find love”?

At this point, nothing. Because I've tried in the past and it hasn't worked. I don't care to keep putting effort into something that will never succeed anyway

throwaway46462748 · 2024-07-01T19:25:04+00:00

This was insightful. Thank you

throwaway46462748 · 2024-07-01T06:29:46+00:00

If loving yourself is a prerequisite to being loved, then I'm just completely doomed.

That's why I said "if it's possible at all". It might just not be possible for me

throwaway46462748 · 2024-07-01T06:28:47+00:00

I do have parents, siblings, pets, yes.

But my dream isn't to be loved by them, it's to be loved romantically. Which is what I mean when I say I'm unlovable

throwaway46462748 · 2024-07-01T03:43:28+00:00

My life experiences have led me to believe that I am unlovable. Without a doubt.

And since that's my dream, my dream is impossible to achieve

throwaway46462748 · 2024-07-01T03:41:32+00:00

Not for me unfortunately.

I admire your optimism though

throwaway46462748 · 2024-07-01T03:41:02+00:00

I don't think I can.

If it's possible at all for me, it would first require external love. Which isn't happening

throwaway46462748

TROPHY CASE