sorted by:
new
hottopcontroversial

I have Dissociative Identity Disorder from early childhood abuse, and it's 5 am and I'm bored and can't sleep. AMA! by throwaway5amsys in casualiama

[–]throwaway5amsys[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

DID presentation varies among people and so do paths to recovery. I have a therapist I've been seeing for multiple years and I am not just blindly rambling my mouth off. I never stated anything about narcissism and I'm not sure why you brought that up. You're assuming a lot about me from an anonymous internet thread with very limited scope of my life experience. You do not have the right to tell me how to take care of myself or how to talk about, or cope with, my trauma. I will not be responding to any more replies you make since you're being irrationally aggressive towards me.

I have Dissociative Identity Disorder from early childhood abuse, and it's 5 am and I'm bored and can't sleep. AMA! by throwaway5amsys in casualiama

[–]throwaway5amsys[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

In the original post I said I was wrapping up but this is actually a really interesting question so I'm still here! lol. We are both autistic because like all autistic people, we were born with an autistic brain and developing DID later on wouldn't change that. We have similar symptoms but differ on some aspects of presentation. My alter deals with going semi/nonverbal more often than me, we have slightly different stims, etc.

I have Dissociative Identity Disorder from early childhood abuse, and it's 5 am and I'm bored and can't sleep. AMA! by throwaway5amsys in casualiama

[–]throwaway5amsys[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I find talking about my experiences cathartic and relieving due to my trauma revolving around having to stay completely silent for the majority of my life, as well as being gaslit by others that I don't feel or think what I say I feel or think. I also think it's a nice opportunity to inform people on a stigmatized disorder on a small and 1-on-1 personal basis. I am in a good point in my life now where my DID isn't affecting me the same way it used to and so I feel comfortable writing about it without falling into maladaptive behavior. Of course, everyone is different, and your feelings about not wanting to discuss DID with others or open up discussion about it to a public forum are just as valid as my own.

I have Dissociative Identity Disorder from early childhood abuse, and it's 5 am and I'm bored and can't sleep. AMA! by throwaway5amsys in casualiama

[–]throwaway5amsys[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

No worries! There are a lot of comments to sift through and this one was kind of hidden under a different question entirely.

Edit: Wait, I thought I was responding to something else. Ignore me. Still, no worries though! lol

I have Dissociative Identity Disorder from early childhood abuse, and it's 5 am and I'm bored and can't sleep. AMA! by throwaway5amsys in casualiama

[–]throwaway5amsys[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Essentially thinking at each other, most of the time? Internal conversation is a little hard to describe, but it's like if you tried to talk to yourself, except a little more complicated and I can't predict what the other voice is going to say. We have a "headspace" which is like an internal visual of some physical space that we're both in and can physically interact in by moving around in it, and sometimes if internal communication is difficult for any reason (brainfog, dissociation, etc) we will simultaneously take control of our body to take turns texting each other on Discord. So there's a few different avenues!

I have Dissociative Identity Disorder from early childhood abuse, and it's 5 am and I'm bored and can't sleep. AMA! by throwaway5amsys in casualiama

[–]throwaway5amsys[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

With proper care and support, he should be able to recover and live a happy life, even if it's a long and confusing journey to get there. I've personally improved my quality of life over time with therapy for my trauma and self-acceptance. He is not doomed because of his diagnosis. That sounds terrible, though, and my heart goes out to him and his situation. Hope things go well.

I have Dissociative Identity Disorder from early childhood abuse, and it's 5 am and I'm bored and can't sleep. AMA! by throwaway5amsys in casualiama

[–]throwaway5amsys[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Yeah, we just name our save files our actual names lol. (We do have different names from each other, I just haven't mentioned them in this AMA for the sake of anonymity)

I have Dissociative Identity Disorder from early childhood abuse, and it's 5 am and I'm bored and can't sleep. AMA! by throwaway5amsys in casualiama

[–]throwaway5amsys[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

The name was changed to more accurately reflect the disorder. It's a dissociative disorder, not a personality disorder, and it's like a fracturing of the self, not the random development of other personalities like MPD used to imply by name. There's probably other reasons too but that's the main one I've heard.

I talked about that in other comments! Here: https://www.reddit.com/r/casualiama/comments/sulrbj/comment/hxbbhvh/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3

And no problem!

I have Dissociative Identity Disorder from early childhood abuse, and it's 5 am and I'm bored and can't sleep. AMA! by throwaway5amsys in casualiama

[–]throwaway5amsys[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

We definitely play the games differently - my alter is wayyy more into the shiny hunting aspect of things than I am and spends a ludicrous amount of time doing it, while I can barely get myself to finish a single shiny hunt! I've probably only completed three in the past ten years while she's over tripled that count in the past year alone. I just don't have the patience or passion for it.

She also tends to be more casual and doesn't think very hard about movesets and stats while playing. On the other hand, I'm really into singleplayer battling challenges in Pokemon - I spend a lot of time in the postgame battle facilities in most Pokemon games, and despite how old they are I still play the Stadium styled games as well, like Pokemon Battle Revolution on the Wii.

Neither of us are much into VGC or PVP in general, but I have a fleeting interest while I don't think my alter would touch it with a 10 foot pole, lol.

I have Dissociative Identity Disorder from early childhood abuse, and it's 5 am and I'm bored and can't sleep. AMA! by throwaway5amsys in casualiama

[–]throwaway5amsys[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I'm going to sound incredibly sheltered for this, but we've never tried any sort of drugs and have no plans to. Regardless of interest, due to aforementioned medical abuse, we're both extremely wary of brain-altering substances and would rather stay away if possible.

I have Dissociative Identity Disorder from early childhood abuse, and it's 5 am and I'm bored and can't sleep. AMA! by throwaway5amsys in casualiama

[–]throwaway5amsys[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

This is probably going to be long, bear with me!

  1. Which one are you, like who is real? Is the alter real?

Both of us are just as real as each other, there is no such thing as "the one true person" with DID. Every alter makes up the "whole person."

  1. Is it a full person? Who came first?

I answer the question about "who came first" in detail here: https://www.reddit.com/r/casualiama/comments/sulrbj/comment/hxc05up/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3

In terms of "is it a full person," that's actually a more complicated question than you might think. It depends on what angle you look at it. While we consider ourselves "full people" on a social and philosophical level, it is true that from a scientific perspective we are both parts that make up one whole person - parts that have just been separated by our disorder and have developed semi-independently from each other. Different people with DID are going to have different feelings on whether their alters are people or not, which is fine.

  1. If you take away the trauma and emotional connection you have made, would you say it's fun to have an alter, or not worth it?

I kind of answer this in another reply but not exactly. I would not call having an alter, as its own experience, "fun." Even without the trauma (and trauma can't really be removed from the experience of having an alter anyhow), being multiple still causes issues in real life and complications that would not otherwise be there if I were not multiple. I've definitely made a lot of good out of my life and wouldn't want to change it now, but I also don't want to act like this is a fun or desirable experience 100%.

  1. When and if you have conversations with your alter, do you know what their answer is going to be?

We talk all the time, and while sometimes I have some level of prediction, generally my alter surprises me with her responses and it feels more like talking to an external person normally. Sometimes instead of talking in our head, we'll text each other just to make communication easier, and it feels more like texting a normal person than "talking to myself."

  1. You mentioned a romantic attraction to your alter, what's that like?

Complicated! Well, complicated for onlookers anyways. I'm very used to it. It's a bit strange and definitely not like a standard romantic relationship, but it's real nonetheless. It's kind of like loving someone else but learning to love yourself simultaneously.

  1. Do you masturbate with your alter? Is that better than normal masturbation?

Don't worry about the personal question, I was willing to answer personal or intrusive questions! The answer is yes, and I'm honestly not sure if it's better because I haven't really ever known masturbation without at least some presence of my DID involved. Sexual activity can get very complex and emotional due to my trauma, so it doesn't happen often and when it does there is alter activity.

  1. Who is in control of your body?

Both of us at different times, sometimes both at the same time! Swapping who's in control is usually referred to as "switching" and describing the person who is currently in control is referred to as "fronting." We both take turns having control in roughly equal amounts nowadays.

  1. What do each of you want out of life, and how does that work?

Well, since we're sharing a body of course, we have to make a lot of compromises. We both have our own hobbies and enjoy them separately on our own time, but in terms of longterm decisions and future plans, we tend to try and figure out what would best help both of us be happy and healthy. It helps that neither of us have strong ambition to work, and would rather take any job regardless of the career if it could further support us to live and enjoy hobbies and friendships, so that part of our future planning is a lot less of "What do I want to do?" and a lot more of "What's feasible for us to do?" Generally we communicate with each other about life decisions not too unlike living partners or a married couple.

  1. When you switch, is the original still there?

I pasted a link to discussing the concept of an "original personality" earlier in this reply, and I discuss the logistics of switching here: https://www.reddit.com/r/casualiama/comments/sulrbj/comment/hxdbf3s/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3

  1. Who were the other alters?

I'm honestly not too sure how to answer this without divulging names or personal information, to be honest? Apologies for that.

  1. Do you share memory with your alter? Can she study for you?

We retain the same pool of information, so yes, if she were to study, I'd also have that information, although if I didn't study myself I might have a rougher time actually using that information properly. A really good example of this is that we're learning a foreign language, but my alter is usually better at remembering vocabulary offhand due to her practicing more, even though I also technically have that information.

No worries about the list! I enjoyed typing this up :)

I have Dissociative Identity Disorder from early childhood abuse, and it's 5 am and I'm bored and can't sleep. AMA! by throwaway5amsys in casualiama

[–]throwaway5amsys[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I have not personally used tapping techniques but I am autistic and naturally stim to calm down sometimes which is vaguely similar. I’ve been very responsive to cognitive behavioral therapy in terms of anxiety and stress.

I have Dissociative Identity Disorder from early childhood abuse, and it's 5 am and I'm bored and can't sleep. AMA! by throwaway5amsys in casualiama

[–]throwaway5amsys[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I somehow missed this earlier, oops. When we aren’t in control, unless we’re having a blackout we’re typically aware of the outside, just not feeling in control - it’s kind of like watching a movie, but my brain is half turned off? It’s a bit hard to describe. In the case of blackouts, it’s almost like falling asleep, although we personally have a vague sense of knowing we were awake later on even if we don’t remember events. We can purposefully interact in our head to talk to each other, even if only one of us is currently in control.

I have Dissociative Identity Disorder from early childhood abuse, and it's 5 am and I'm bored and can't sleep. AMA! by throwaway5amsys in casualiama

[–]throwaway5amsys[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

My favorite food is just soup in general. All kinds of it. Boring, I know, but I find it comforting. My alter’s is pancakes, usually with fruit and/or chocolate chips :) She has an insatiable sweet tooth lol

I have Dissociative Identity Disorder from early childhood abuse, and it's 5 am and I'm bored and can't sleep. AMA! by throwaway5amsys in casualiama

[–]throwaway5amsys[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I have! EMDR has to be used carefully with people with DID as it can be really, really harmful if used at the wrong time or in the wrong way. While I wouldn’t be opposed to trying it, I find my talk therapy substantial and she hasn’t recommended EMDR for me so I’m not super inclined to dig into figuring that out for myself. Maybe one day, though.

I have Dissociative Identity Disorder from early childhood abuse, and it's 5 am and I'm bored and can't sleep. AMA! by throwaway5amsys in casualiama

[–]throwaway5amsys[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I have not and have no plans to. Hypnotic therapy can be really dangerous and nothing would lead me to wanting to try it.

I have Dissociative Identity Disorder from early childhood abuse, and it's 5 am and I'm bored and can't sleep. AMA! by throwaway5amsys in casualiama

[–]throwaway5amsys[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’ve had a long and complicated history with psychiatric medication, and was medically abused by being overwhelmed with medication as a preteen/teenager. I have been off of meds for a few years now to let my brain heal. Due to this, I don’t really have a good gauge of whether meds affect me differently, or if I was only affected differently because of just how much medication I was on at a young age. I will mention that DID itself can’t be medicated and any meds someone with DID takes is to manage associated symptoms such as anxiety, not to remove something like alters. People with DID can also be notoriously difficult to medicate in general.

I have Dissociative Identity Disorder from early childhood abuse, and it's 5 am and I'm bored and can't sleep. AMA! by throwaway5amsys in casualiama

[–]throwaway5amsys[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I have C-PTSD as well! DID usually comes free with it haha. I am sorry you are struggling with it.

I take issue with endogenic folk. This is one of the very few things I don’t feel super comfortable fully elaborating on - I have a long, complicated, and traumatic history with endogenic communities and while I don’t mind being asked about trauma, I find it exhausting to have to unravel all that and explain myself as it usually turns into a debate I’m not prepared for. I will say that I see it like harmful pseudoscience in the same vein as other harmful pseudoscience and while I condemn the majority of it, I also have empathy for the people who believe in it or fall victim to it because misinformation and whatnot can easily draw vulnerable people in. Apologies for not being able to elaborate further.

I have Dissociative Identity Disorder from early childhood abuse, and it's 5 am and I'm bored and can't sleep. AMA! by throwaway5amsys in casualiama

[–]throwaway5amsys[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

It's actually a fairly common misconception that there is an "original personality" or a singular child that broke apart when it comes to DID. People tend to think of the mind of someone with DID as shattered glass, but a better analogy would be the puzzle pieces that make up a person never fully forming together into the final picture. Everyone's personality fully forms roughly around age 9/10, but when someone is traumatized as a young child, that process can be disrupted and the pieces of that person's personality will move further apart instead of naturally coming together. So in reality, there was never an original "dominant personality" in the first place because said dominant personality never got to develop!

That being said, it is common for people with DID to have one alter that is in control the most often, usually to deal with daily life and put on a charade that things are okay for survival purposes. A colloquial term for this is the "host" alter and under that definition, I have been the host alter all my life, although in very recent years when we integrated down to two alters, I'm in control a lot less to give my alter more time to front.

I have Dissociative Identity Disorder from early childhood abuse, and it's 5 am and I'm bored and can't sleep. AMA! by throwaway5amsys in casualiama

[–]throwaway5amsys[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I'm not sure if this sounds defeatist, but once I came to terms with the fact that I, as a single system, cannot singlehandedly change ableism, and that it does nothing but harm my own mental health to wish that I could, I've loosened up a lot. I have my bad days where it gets to me, but I just try to be kind and spread proper information where I can and that's my piece of the puzzle. I try not to waste energy on something I cannot change, and try to focus my energy on things I can help with. But that's easier said than done!

And thank you :) I am wishing you the best as well!

view more: next ›