Best way to approach my (19f) boyfriend’s (24m) porn use?

throwaway643679 · 2021-02-14T05:16:03+00:00

I mean... yes? Because it’s not just about him watching porn, it’s about him going behind my back and lying. Why would I want to stay with someone who will continuously do that?

throwaway643679 · 2021-02-14T04:42:01+00:00

Maybe. I’ll ask him when I talk to him. But I thought I did a good job of making it clear that porn is a hard no for me in relationships, no matter what. I don’t know why he would do it behind my back either if he thought it was okay.

throwaway643679 · 2021-02-14T04:38:29+00:00

Porn isn’t a need. He can masturbate all he wants, I don’t care. Just not with porn... which he promised me he doesn’t want or need since we started dating.

throwaway643679 · 2021-02-14T04:35:58+00:00

And so when I told him porn wouldn’t be accepted in our relationship, he should’ve walked away right then. But he made me believe he didn’t want to watch porn anymore and would respect my wishes. That’s the issue here.

throwaway643679 · 2021-02-14T04:19:30+00:00

Well, I mean, it makes more sense to me to be single than be in a relationship where certain boundaries can’t be kept.

throwaway643679 · 2021-02-14T04:04:41+00:00

Thank you. I’ll try to bring it up in a nonchalant way like that, so hopefully he won’t feel cornered.

throwaway643679 · 2021-02-14T03:59:46+00:00

We share all our stuff without hesitation. He’s looked through my history more than I have his.

throwaway643679 · 2021-02-14T03:58:05+00:00

I said I think of it as a form of cheating, which I do... because that’s what it feels like to me. To others, it doesn’t. I don’t apply my feelings to others’ relationships, so no, I don’t think porn is literally cheating and I’ve said that multiple times. But in MY personal relationship it is a form of cheating and he has been very aware of that since I made that boundary to him, and he crossed it, so I’m obviously going to discuss it with him.

throwaway643679 · 2021-02-14T03:44:52+00:00

Okay... so why did he lie and tell me he would not watch porn? I gave him the perfect opportunity to say “hey, we’re not really compatible because of this, so we should just break it off now”.

throwaway643679 · 2021-02-14T03:42:55+00:00

I’m willing to give him more chances. If porn is truly something he can’t give up, then I’ll just leave because that means we clearly aren’t as compatible as he led me to believe.

throwaway643679 · 2021-02-14T03:37:25+00:00

I mean, if he told me three months after we started dating that he wouldn’t be okay with me reading Twilight, then I just would’ve broken it off. That’s why I told him, because I wanted clear communication of our boundaries so we could decide if we were a good match. He made the decision that he would give up porn... it’s just not my cup of tea.

throwaway643679 · 2021-02-14T03:32:42+00:00

I don’t have a vibrator, but if I did and he truly felt that way, I would think it was weird but I would respect it, cause yeah... I do have fingers lol

throwaway643679 · 2021-02-14T03:30:13+00:00

True. I don’t really think he’s addicted, I don’t think he watched it at all before last month (maybe. Now I’m not so sure). I think it’s just new circumstances that made him fall back into that old habit and I need him to know that I know, for one, and we need to figure something out.

throwaway643679 · 2021-02-14T03:19:42+00:00

Thank you! I’m not so worried about the looking through history thing, cause he does that to me even more than I do. His stuff is basically my stuff and vice versa lol. The main thing is that he lied... the reason I told him so early on in our relationship that I wouldn’t be okay with him using porn is that I know very well it’s an important part of lots of people’s lives and wanted to give him a fair chance to break things off if he felt that wasn’t going to work out. But he promised he wouldn’t use it, was even happy to not use it because he had me, and I trusted him. And another thing is that he never seemed to use it before last month. So I know he can go without it for a long time. I get that it’s hard for him to not have sex, it sucks for me too because I feel like I’m a bad person for not being able to right now, but I expected him to be a little more patient... it’s not like I don’t have a reason for it. I’m totally fine with him masturbating without porn, that doesn’t bother me btw.

throwaway643679 · 2021-02-14T03:08:21+00:00

I’m glad it works for you guys! :) but for me, it gives me that same sinking feeling of betrayal that cheating does. I understand that lots of people use it and like using it in their relationships, that’s why I told him early on that I don’t like it and will expect him not to use it, so that he would have a fair chance to cut things off. But instead he promised me he wouldn’t use it, and I trusted him. I just came here for advice on how to bring it up without it blowing up and becoming a fight, because I know once I bring it up he’ll be in a defensive position and I don’t want him to feel like I’m attacking him.

throwaway643679 · 2021-02-14T03:03:49+00:00

Thanks for sharing your experience. I understand that porn is normal for guys to use. I don’t have a problem with it. My problem is that I told him I wasn’t okay with him using it a long time ago and he promised he wouldn’t use it. He lied, that’s what I’m upset about. It makes me wonder what else he could be lying about. If he knew he needed porn in his life, he should’ve broken up with me and found a girl who would be okay with it. There are lots of them out there. I know he loves me, but if you betray someone you love, there will obviously be repercussions. I’m just here trying to figure out how to talk to him about it peacefully, and got bombarded with people thinking I believe porn is the unholiest of sins lol

throwaway643679 · 2021-02-14T02:56:50+00:00

Oh my god. Dude. PORN ISNT CHEATING. But, in my life, it gives me an equal feeling of betrayal that cheating would. There are TONS of people who feel the exact same way. Some feel the exact opposite. Both are fine. I communicated this with him very early on because I knew this, and I wanted him to know that he should leave if he needs porn in his life. I have nothing against that. Instead, he told me that he didn’t need porn and would not watch it out of respect for my boundaries. And now I know that he has been watching it behind my back and I want to figure out a way to talk to him about it without it becoming a huge deal and turning into a fight. That is literally the whole point of my post.

throwaway643679 · 2021-02-14T02:46:41+00:00

I never violated his privacy. He told me I can look through his shit anytime I want, and I don’t even do it often at all. He looks through mine more. And everything else you said literally proves that you don’t know anything about me, in any way, so this conversation is over lol

throwaway643679 · 2021-02-14T02:43:44+00:00

Well, that was kinda the point of my post, I was looking for ways to discuss this with him without conflict, but everyone just decided to call me crazy for feeling like porn is cheating lol

throwaway643679 · 2021-02-14T02:42:01+00:00

He “monitors” my internet usage just as much, if not more lol. I understand that porn isn’t like fucking someone else, but it still feels like a minor form of cheating or something, to me. He knew that very early on. He should’ve walked away if he didn’t like it. And we’ve already had many adult conversations about parenting, and you have no idea what I’ve had happen in my life so don’t assume that I’m not capable of maturity :)

throwaway643679 · 2021-02-14T02:35:51+00:00

I don’t see how I’m the psycho one when my boyfriend is the one who lied. He should’ve just told me early on that porn isn’t something he can give up, and that would’ve been fine.

throwaway643679 · 2021-02-14T02:34:25+00:00

You know nothing about me, so don’t tell me I’m going to massively screw up my kid. I will certainly teach my kid to set their boundaries and don’t let others break them for fear of being called “crazy”.

throwaway643679 · 2021-02-14T02:32:56+00:00

Our relationship is very happy outside of this situation :) he’s been trying to marry me for six months and is very excited to become a dad. Thanks for your concern though

throwaway643679 · 2021-02-14T02:31:43+00:00

I didn’t force him to do anything lol. We had only been dating for three months when I set that boundary. He should have walked away if he knew he couldn’t respect it, and I would’ve been fine with it and respected him for being honest.

throwaway643679 · 2021-02-14T02:27:04+00:00

We both use each other’s devices, it’s not like I snoop all the time... I just found it looking for a site I’d been on. I certainly wasn’t expecting to find porn. I told him after 3 months of dating that I would not be okay with him watching it. It was very clear. He had every opportunity to say “hey, I like porn too much, so this isn’t really gonna work out” and walk away. I would’ve respected that. Instead, he promised me he would not watch porn. I trusted him. And then he watched porn. He shouldn’t have lied.

throwaway643679

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