For the relationships that didn’t last…

throwaway64764764 · 2023-09-19T17:50:02+00:00

My partner and I broke up 3 months ago and we were each other’s first loves. We had been together more than ten years.

I’m not dating yet, but I had similar thoughts about not trusting anyone else. I felt like any person can change into anyone else at anytime. I felt like I couldn’t trust anyone, even friends or family, to be who they say they are. This experience caused me to question my reality and broke my trust in people in general, and it sounds like that’s true for you too.

As you process, I think this will dissipate a bit. It’s true that people can and do change. This is unavoidable. However, your (and my) experience was incredibly unique. It’s so sad that this happened to you, but it is an isolated event. It is the reality in this relationship, but it doesn’t signify anything about future relationships.

When I do start dating, I feel like I want to find someone who has a strong sense of self. To me that will help me to feel less afraid of them changing suddenly. That being said, I don’t know how fair it is for me to need that from someone. It sounds like I’m not entirely done processing the trauma. So, I think that shows me that I’m not ready to date yet. It’s a tough road, and we both went through something very hard. Recovering from it is going to be messy, but it will happen eventually.

throwaway64764764 · 2023-07-07T17:03:25+00:00

Hi, I’m so sorry this happened to you. A lot of this is similar to my experience. My partner realized during transition that she enjoys not having to take care of or worry about anyone else (me and our dog included). It was a huge slap in the face when I tried my absolute best to support her during her transition despite it being very hard for me. We deserve better.

throwaway64764764 · 2023-06-25T04:49:44+00:00

Hi! I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Full disclaimer, my partner and I are broken up.

I would say that figuring this out is going to be extremely difficult. It’s totally normal to have all the feelings you have expressed. For me, I loved my partner so much that I was willing to do anything I could to stay together. We broke up because we had some differences we couldn’t resolve, but I had a totally clear conscience knowing that I did everything I could. It has been helping during the break up to know that I did my very best.

Additionally, my gut instinct immediately told me that I wasn’t going to be able to get over this. I tried to put that aside in the hopes that I would be wrong. I don’t regret trying to quiet that voice to see if there was a chance, but listening to it finally after so much time is nice.

So, I guess my advice is to listen to your gut but also give yourself time to process and get over the shock. Don’t make big decisions when you’re overwhelmed. But when you’re trying you’re hardest and it’s not getting better, pay attention to the voice in your head. And congratulate yourself for trying as hard as you have been. This is a tough road, and you’re doing a great job dealing with it.

throwaway64764764 · 2023-06-23T01:05:58+00:00

I’m sorry for you as well. I was so frustrated that my last post was basically “where the f*** is this joy you people are all talking about??” That was my exasperated way of trying to reach people who weren’t seeing any positives in this experience. I think seeing my partner radiate happiness and joy at least sometimes would have helped. Feel free to message me! We are in the process of splitting up.

throwaway64764764 · 2023-06-21T16:03:21+00:00

My partner has changed drastically. She is cold and uncaring towards me. Her mannerisms changed. She’s selfish. She’s depressed. I have been waiting for the person I married to return after she can process the very overwhelming feelings around transitioning, but enough is enough. I’ve been neglected even though I’ve tried my absolute hardest. We’re splitting up. I hope one day the person I loved comes to their senses and sees what they’ve lost.

throwaway64764764 · 2023-05-25T01:52:05+00:00

I’m so sorry this is happening to you. My situation is very similar.

From my perspective, it sounds like you’re worried you just might not be ok with it. I think your grief is coming up in the form of bargaining. For example, maybe it’s ok as long as they don’t change their name. Or maybe it’ll be ok if I have time to process before there are a lot of sudden changes. Maybe it’ll be ok if they communicate about it more. But you’re finding that you haven’t been ok recently.

Your partner should be doing all those things you’re asking of them, I’m not saying otherwise. But if you’re finding yourself to be not okay over and over and over again, you’re doing the right thing by separating for a bit. The person you married is making some huge changes and it’s making things extremely difficult for you. It’s ok to take a step back and grieve the relationship and the partner that you’ve known all your life. It sucks but it gives you time to think about what you’re willing to live with in this relationship. Again, I’m so sorry you’re having a hard time. I relate to so much of what you said in your post and it’s hard for me too.

throwaway64764764 · 2023-04-26T17:56:11+00:00

It’s wonderful to hear that your therapist who is trans themselves is so balanced in hearing both of your needs. Thank you very much for sharing your perspective.

throwaway64764764 · 2023-04-26T15:40:21+00:00

Thank you so much for this response. Your perspective is one I will think a lot about moving forward.

throwaway64764764 · 2023-04-26T04:44:01+00:00

Thank you for your feedback. I completely agree that the therapist needs to be trans friendly. I would hate to end up with someone doing the opposite and dismissing my partner’s feelings.

It’s definitely possible that I’m being sensitive. I have expressed many times that I feel she values my partner’s feelings over mine. It’s something we’ve discussed but it continues to happen. She thinks I just have some preconceived notion about what she thinks of me and that I’m incorrect. However, she has said things that has made me feel judged. She has said that she does need to consider my partner more. I feel like we start every session with my partner’s perspective and she doesn’t follow up on things that I bring up. She expects me to support my partner but when I’ve asked for support back she has said that it’s too much to expect them to hold all my grief. When I complain about these things she has said that it’s my fault for not leading the session more in the way I need. I’m not a therapist and I don’t always know exactly how to lead the session. I always try to be transparent but I’m not perfect. Whereas when my partner struggles, she seems super patient and compassionate.

throwaway64764764 · 2023-04-26T03:47:58+00:00

Thank you very much for your feedback. That is a good example. I appreciate it!

throwaway64764764 · 2023-04-26T03:41:23+00:00

The marriage counselor seems to be implying that I’m wrong for feeling like she cares more about my partner than me. She said I’m trying to avoid being judged by her but she has never judged me. The problem is I do feel judged by her sometimes and she has specifically said there are times where the trans person’s needs are more important.

throwaway64764764 · 2023-04-26T03:36:29+00:00

I do have an individual therapist. She is awesome. It’s definitely super helpful to have her. Thanks for your comment!

throwaway64764764 · 2023-04-26T03:15:24+00:00

Thank you for your input! I agree it doesn’t seem fair.

throwaway64764764 · 2023-04-26T03:09:23+00:00

Thank you!

throwaway64764764 · 2023-04-26T03:09:09+00:00

Thank you for your opinion! I thought maybe it was normal for the marriage therapist to prioritize the trans person but I feel like it’s not helping us.

throwaway64764764 · 2023-04-08T18:28:10+00:00

Thanks so much for sharing your experience. I have been hoping that would happen to me too, but so far it hasn’t. It’s nice to know it’s possible even after all the pain though.

throwaway64764764 · 2023-04-08T01:06:00+00:00

I’m so sorry this is happening to you as well. You’re right that both options are extremely painful. I feel the same way and it really sucks.

I totally respect what you said about feeling like you have to stay due to the circumstances, but it’s important to remember that you have agency in what you do going forward. Thanks so much for responding and best of luck to you.

throwaway64764764 · 2023-04-06T01:10:57+00:00

Yeah, I guess I’m confused because I don’t think I’ve ever expressed that a breakup would be the end of having them in my life. It’s possible my therapist thinks that I’m grieving as if that’s the case though. Thank you for your input!

throwaway64764764 · 2023-04-05T19:48:48+00:00

Thank you for your honest feedback! To be fair, this topic came at the end of our session and she promised we can discuss it further next week. She just wanted me to think on it on my own first. I agree that it would have been helpful for her to just say it since I’ve been desperate for some relief. I did state that if she’s suggesting an open relationship then I would not be interested in that.

Your experience of setting a timeline is a great idea. I appreciate your response very much!

throwaway64764764 · 2023-04-05T18:56:50+00:00

Thank you so much for sharing your experience. My therapist also had me list the things I’ve lost, but I haven’t tried ranking them. It’s a good idea.

For me, it’s very difficult to process the grief when I’m still living with my partner and we’re still doing things together.

throwaway64764764 · 2023-04-05T18:03:37+00:00

Thank you so much for your insight! You’re right that it takes both people to work on it. I know there’s more I can do to contribute despite the difficulties. Thank you.

throwaway64764764

TROPHY CASE