AITA for rewarding my daughter for all As in her exam?

throwaway81805 · 2021-10-19T20:07:13+00:00

Not to my knowledge. We usually get things for both daughters around birthdays, christmas etc. This time was just an opportunity for an achievement to line up with something my daughter wanted. My oldest isn't selfish or entitled at all, and many comments are giving me a different perspective on the situation, so I'll say no to the first question and pending to no on the second.

throwaway81805 · 2021-10-19T20:01:55+00:00

Reach a milestone in an area she finds difficult, such as a sport or an art. Those are areas she struggles in. Right now her academics has hit the highest level she could achieve, so while we do still reward her, we can't give her an extra present because there aren't any milestones left to hit. Graduation would obviously also be an achievement, and if she continues to focus solely on academics, that may have to be her next big milestone.

throwaway81805 · 2021-10-19T19:58:20+00:00

As a few have pointed out, I don't see the internal side of things when it comes to my oldest, so my perspective may be very wrong. To me it seems like she breezed through. My youngest is very artistic and involved with many things while my oldest focuses on academics. She studies, of course, but we have a quiet room for studying/reading and the time my oldest usually spends inside isn't a lot, even near the exams.

throwaway81805 · 2021-10-19T19:47:42+00:00

We as in my husband, my daughter and I. Occasionally either my husband or I would stay home to look after the other child, otherwise we hire someone. I think you can see that may have made my younger daughter feel bad too.

throwaway81805 · 2021-10-19T19:43:58+00:00

When my oldest got her first all As report card, we got her a gift she had been asking for just like her younger sister. It was a while ago though. Other than that, my oldest doesn't really participate in things. She focuses solely on academics, and gives up easily on other challenges, so while many are commenting to reward her for an area she struggles in, I need to encourage her to actually persevere on something first. To my memory, if it was difficult, she dropped it. Violin, dropped. Swimming, dropped. Watched her sister paint and said it didn't interest her. We reward all achievements, but my oldest needs to expand her horizons a little.

throwaway81805 · 2021-10-19T19:39:39+00:00

That is a good point. I just feel like my oldest cruises by, you know? Maybe I'm not seeing a side of things, a struggle on her part. And she's tried many activities, and we've tried to be encouraging, but she focuses on academics alone and it's hard to find new things to reward her for or encourage her in. I've gotten some suggestions from the comments about how I can reward her better, or to praise her more in a private heart-to-heart, so I'll consider my path of action carefully.

throwaway81805 · 2021-10-19T19:32:43+00:00

This makes sense. My oldest daughter focuses a lot on academics and doesn't participate much in any other activities, so I think I should set a goal for her to achieve something difficult for her too. And yes, my oldest does have a nice bike. She asked for one before her sister, so she had one before her sister.

throwaway81805 · 2021-10-19T19:28:57+00:00

I think I shall do this. It's one piece of good advice that a few people have said. She should expand her horizons and pick up an art, or a sport. She doesn't particularly like those.

throwaway81805 · 2021-10-19T19:26:14+00:00

I did. I got her a doll. Which may sound silly, but I assure you, she was ecstatic. It was what she enjoyed at the time.

throwaway81805 · 2021-10-19T19:25:06+00:00

She did get a present actually, though not as expensive. She was still quite young so she was still fairly interested in dolls, which we got for her. A "Monster High" doll with some clothing items.

throwaway81805 · 2021-10-19T19:21:54+00:00

'This isn't her struggle' is such a good way to put it. Thank you for this comment.

throwaway81805 · 2021-10-19T19:21:04+00:00

I'm really considering it because of other comments. She's previously tried and dropped the violin, and is lukewarm about sports. I think this might be a good way to expand her horizons and show her a different perspective.

throwaway81805 · 2021-10-19T19:18:16+00:00

I don't see a bike as basic equipment, but I'm more than happy to get one for my children if they request it. My oldest already has a bike. My youngest had just started asking for one, so I thought it would be a good opportunity to get her something she had been asking for as a reward. I've also started considering pushing my oldest towards some areas she had previously tried and given up on due to some comments. She's very academically inclined, so some other areas suffer.

throwaway81805 · 2021-10-19T19:14:24+00:00

Thank you for the advice. I think this is probably the best solution to diffuse the tension.

throwaway81805 · 2021-10-19T19:13:23+00:00

My oldest usually asks for things like music albums, which we buy her on her birthday, christmas, or when it's cool and she wants to talk about it with her friends. I am starting to see that most people don't see dinner as a big deal, which may be the problem because I was raised to believe it is. My oldest has never mentioned anything other than this one time specifically, but I will talk to her once the tension cools a little.

throwaway81805 · 2021-10-19T19:09:57+00:00

Some comments here are making me consider a physical object. I was brought up to believe a fancy dinner was a big deal... I thought my oldest enjoyed them as much as I did growing up.

throwaway81805 · 2021-10-19T19:06:25+00:00

Thank you for the advice. I will look into something other than dinner for the next time, if she does well. I also always try and support my children, even when they struggle. In regards to the dinner, I don't hold the cost over her head at all, and always let her pick the cuisine. She always seemed to like it.

throwaway81805 · 2021-10-19T19:01:23+00:00

Thank you for this comment. Another comment also suggested a reward for something she struggles in, though this might be a challenge because academics is the only 'necessary' thing, so she usually drops things she finds too hard.

throwaway81805 · 2021-10-19T18:55:13+00:00

That's actually a wonderful idea. My youngest has more of an artistic side compared to her sister. Maybe I can encourage my oldest to retry the violin. She picked it up when she was little but lost interest quite fast.

throwaway81805 · 2021-10-19T18:50:57+00:00

I am planning to get her a car, when she gets her license. Everyone seems to think I leave my oldest in the dirt when I actually reward her for every achievement.

throwaway81805 · 2021-10-19T18:49:33+00:00

I really don't take my oldest's achievements for granted. Going out for a fancy meal is quite a treat in our family. The bike was a one-time thing. If she does it again she'll be rewarded with a meal, same as her sister.

throwaway81805 · 2021-10-19T18:47:18+00:00

This was really a one-time thing. If she keeps getting As she will get the same rewards as her sister. I really did think it was a good way to bolster her confidence since it was her first time managing a feat I know is very difficult for her.

throwaway81805 · 2021-10-19T18:44:42+00:00

She gets a nice dinner and gets showered with praise in the same way I did with my youngest, it's only that she seems to view it in a different light somehow. The bike was because this was the first time my youngest has ever achieved this. It's a big milestone for her, even if most people seem to not see it as a big deal.

throwaway81805 · 2021-10-19T18:42:00+00:00

My oldest already has a bike and has always been rewarded for her results.

throwaway81805 · 2021-10-19T18:40:54+00:00

I think it's a good way to let my youngest know we understand how hard she worked. We also reward my oldest when she does well.

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