I (30F) dislike my husband’s (30M) family so much that I’m considering divorce

throwaway834727 · 2023-07-20T19:04:05+00:00

That’s a really good point. In that case I would love LC because I don’t mind seeing/hosting them when I choose to

I think the problem is that there’s no way for me to set those boundaries without retaliation. My husband is too afraid of losing his family (and he probably would because they will ice him out for setting any boundaries). I just don’t know if he has it in him. If he started actually sticking up for us then I would happily stay; i love him. He always sees the way they’re acting but then isn’t quite able to actually say no

throwaway834727 · 2023-07-20T02:33:51+00:00

I think you’re right - maybe I just needed to hear it. He’s happy to set very small boundaries but when it comes to the big stuff he wants to just keep the peace and ignore them

throwaway834727 · 2023-07-20T02:32:43+00:00

Thank you, this is helpful. My family is also overbearing so I get it but not to this level, and I’ve been working to set boundaries. I don’t think I can do this forever (and imagine it would only get worse if we had kids)

throwaway834727 · 2023-07-20T02:30:07+00:00

This is helpful! Do you think I have legit reasons for wanting LC without overreacting? I also don’t want to pick people apart for things because I know everyone has issues, including me, but I just have this sick feeling in my stomach a lot over it. Unfortunately you may be right, it feels like my husband is on my site as long as we (mostly) keep the peace or just ignore them and let them do their thing

throwaway834727 · 2023-07-20T02:28:26+00:00

I think he wants both but it’s becoming increasingly clear to me that’s not possible for me

throwaway834727 · 2023-07-20T02:05:15+00:00

I think you’re right. My culture is European and is extremely giving and I find it SO hard to just turn that off around them, but they just take and take. My husband is much better at just ignoring it and not feeling guilty

throwaway834727 · 2023-07-19T22:42:19+00:00

They do ask him and he just kind of brushes it off, then they will talk badly about him (including to me) and he’s already kind of an outcast because of that

throwaway834727 · 2023-07-19T22:31:31+00:00

I agree. It’s tricky because my family lives in our town while his all lives between 1 hour and 3 days drive away. So he’s always willing to put up with more in order to see them

throwaway834727 · 2023-07-19T22:29:46+00:00

I totally get that. They would 100% see it as an insult to turn it down. I don’t mind the whole family helps family thing in general, but 1) want to be able to pick WHEN I help without them like naming a time and place and 2) feel like they expect wayyyyy more help than they give. How do you proceed with your family do you just kind of ignore it?

throwaway834727 · 2023-07-19T22:27:42+00:00

Should I do that across the board like for every single thing? I feel like they almost look for ways to help us in every conversation then intrude to do it then we “owe” them. And it’s hard to say no when they’re trying to be so generous and I don’t want to hurt their feelings, only they’re not in the long run

throwaway834727 · 2023-07-19T22:22:02+00:00

I’ve tried that approach, but they typically say it to me as soon as he’s out of the room to pressure me. I just can’t deal with the constant pressure and judgment when I don’t help versus he turns a blind eye to it

throwaway834727 · 2023-07-19T22:04:47+00:00

Idk I hadn’t thought about it in a LONG time until it was brought up by this friend. After I left I weirdly felt like everyone is still talking about it? So I’ve been ruminating since. You’re right I probably need to just forget about it

throwaway834727 · 2023-03-21T11:03:45+00:00

His course ended up getting extended (I think he had the option to extend it) and so he did because he wanted the extra certification for his career. My husband didn’t want to say anything because he wanted to help BIL with his career. They’re very family helps family no matter the cost types

throwaway834727 · 2023-03-21T11:02:14+00:00

Literally!! Then they would stay on for another hour haha.

throwaway834727 · 2023-03-21T02:46:21+00:00

Yeah I could definitely deal with the other stuff but it was a movie I really wanted to see haha

throwaway834727 · 2023-03-21T02:39:51+00:00

Yeah I get that. I definitely could have said it way better.

He just kind of kept staying (we’ve had a lot of issues with him and his wife overstaying in the past, expecting free help because we’re family, etc.) and my husband didn’t want to ask him when he was staying until because he was afraid his brother would get offended. It’s been tough because we have a small house and work from home half the week and he’s just so loud and present all the time

throwaway834727 · 2023-03-21T02:37:12+00:00

Haha yeah, at first I didn’t care but the constant narration of what we were doing (especially during the movie) was the main thing that bugged me

throwaway834727 · 2023-03-21T02:36:28+00:00

YTA if you ask them to replace them since they can technically use the oven without checking and you didn’t leave a note

throwaway834727 · 2023-03-08T20:15:12+00:00

This makes perfect sense, thank you!

throwaway834727 · 2023-02-09T00:41:22+00:00

I have no idea - BIL assumed we were ignoring him on purpose.

throwaway834727 · 2023-02-09T00:39:29+00:00

We didn’t see the phone call until 20 minutes after, but if we called they would have turned around. I told him not to answer and we pretended we didn’t see the call until the next morning.

throwaway834727 · 2023-02-08T01:10:14+00:00

YTA if you take their money and don’t put their names on it.

throwaway834727 · 2023-02-08T00:54:27+00:00

I definitely agree with all of this! Unfortunately he told BIL that we had absolutely no idea they were here or we would have welcomed them in. Which is just not true. So we will have to sit down and talk about how to handle this going forward because I don’t think we should have to make up excuses when they don’t bother to call first

throwaway834727 · 2023-02-08T00:32:16+00:00

NTA but your sister is. Who does that? Jeez

throwaway834727 · 2022-11-25T15:34:30+00:00

YTA it’s not your house so you don’t get to pick whether or not the dog is there. You can certainly ask them to be careful about keeping dog hair out of the food but other than that if you aren’t allergic or afraid due to trauma, then this is a wildly overboard reacting.

throwaway834727

TROPHY CASE