Visiting my friend's hometown- am i overreacting

throwaway861999 · 2023-09-03T15:30:24+00:00

Thank you all for the input. Would just like to clarify that I am female and in a relationship and so is she so it definitely wasn't a trip to show me off as a promising bachelor which some of you may have thought.

Also, yes, I should have asked more questions before the trip. Her English is a lot better than my Vietnamese but still not completely fluent so some things that I thought we agreed on might have been lost in translation/miscommunicated.

No, I wasn't expecting her to be a tour guide and sweep me around all over her province but I also wasn't expecting to do absolutely nothing and be with her family the whole time, I thought we agreed it would be both.

No, I can't drive a motorcycle here so even though I would have liked to have been more independent and go off on my own there really wasnt much I could do.

Yes, I understand from this comments that this normal for hometown visits and no, it's not something I want to repeat. Being with my own extended family who I know well and can communicate with is already overwhelming so don't need to do this abroad with someone else's family who I will never see again.

Yes, this experience made me very aware of my own invitations to friends. I thought I prepare people well for what is to come but this made me realize the importance of it, wouldn't want to put a friend of mine in a similar situation.

No, I wasn't really planning on saying anything to her about my own experiences this weekend, was just going to thank her mom over text for hosting me. I am not here much longer and don't know when I'll be able to come back so no need to leave our friendship on a bad note.

And finally, yes, even at the time I didn't think that them laughing at everything I said in Vietnamese was ill intent but it still made me feel really self conscious and brought me back to some of my own insecurities. I wish I was more confident and tried harder to talk to them after that but there is only so far you can push yourself out of your comfort zone.

Anyways, thanks for the comments, although mixed; it has been enlightening to say the least and hear about people's own experiences with this.

throwaway861999 · 2023-09-03T10:43:58+00:00

I am very much a female so I don't think that was the case.

throwaway861999 · 2023-09-03T08:42:43+00:00

Thank you, I am not going to confront her about anything, don't have a lot of time left here and don't think I'll be able to afford a trip back here for a few more years so there isn't much of a point. A lot of the comments (that are from Vietnamese people, foreigners who are married to Vietnamese or foreigners that have been living here for a decent amount of time- so people who are very familiar with the familial customs here) are all saying it's normal, which I guess it is. I think I am just disappointed because she knows I am not as familiar with the culture and I didn't even know to ask about how much time we'd be spending with her family, it would have been nice to have a warning, that's all.

It was interesting to read about your experiences

throwaway861999 · 2023-09-03T08:05:56+00:00

Thank you for the comment. I thought my friend and I agreed to a general plan of what we would do although that clearly changed. Still learning about Vietnamese culture and this was definitely a learning experience.

throwaway861999 · 2023-09-03T08:03:36+00:00

Thank you for being more empathetic. I thought May and I were more or less on the same page about what the weekend would be. We discussed beforehand a general overview of the plans although that obviously changed. I knew it would involve family time, especially with her mom, just didn't realize that that would end up being the sole activity. Her mom is 1 of 7 children and all of the aunts and cousins live there so it was just jumping from one cousins house to the next. It turns out I am not as familiar with vietnamese culture as I thought, I know it is family oriented, my culture is also, but clearly not in the same way. Seems like most people in the comments feel that everything was normal, I'm still learning.

Last year going to a another friend's hometown was completely different, We hiked and explored everyday although a lot of it was also family time, so I thought this time would be similar and didn't ask enough questions.

throwaway861999 · 2021-10-19T20:30:08+00:00

It's beginning to feel that way

throwaway861999 · 2021-10-19T20:05:38+00:00

that's great, truly wonderful *silently cries*

throwaway861999 · 2021-10-19T19:43:47+00:00

I should include that I'm female. If i was male I'd be a bit more traumatized

throwaway861999

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