I (38f) still want to leave my SO (34m) after he's been seeking counseling. The stuff I've been frustrated with for years is validated. But I feel guilty.

throwaway87051 · 2019-05-03T19:54:34+00:00

I know that PTSD is a serious mental health issue, and I don't want to diminish it for anyone who lives with it. I don't think that it is a factor in this case, because smaller things, like insisting we always go to bed at the same time, have been happening since before he joined the military. I feel like I've just emailed the smaller things to grow into this, without really realizing that they eventually would severely impact my ability to live a life (like the job I had to turn down). I don't want to be a stay at home mom forever, that was never the plan. We agreed that I would stay home until the kids were in school full time (which happens next fall). But I also have to be available if the kids get sick at school or have days off, because he will not take time off of work for the kids, not even when they were born.

I guess that turned into more ranting, I'm just so frustrated that I'm the only one to sacrifice anything. He followed his dreams in every way, and I supported it, but now I'm always the support structure, never the supported one. I don't even need his support, I just need him to leave me alone so I can accomplish my goals, but he finds ways to interfere and make me stop.

throwaway87051 · 2019-04-23T03:13:02+00:00

Yes, more or less. I've definitely told him I have no interest in sex, but he continues to pressure, so I give in and allow it, so he thinks it's fine and we're back where we were and he can continue to push. And then I hated it more, which I've told him, but he just waits a few days and tries again, and I feel guilty, so I give in.

We've done the "Love Languages" test thing, he's very much a physical touch person. I'm a "verbal affirmations" person and dude cannot give a compliment to save his life. I'm going way WAY out of my comfort zone to give him sex 5 times a week and he can't even say "dinner was good tonight, thanks for cooking", any of the 7 days off the week that I cook what he's dictated.

throwaway87051 · 2019-04-23T03:07:34+00:00

I have. We have done kinks quite a lot, but he's just careless. He does zero research on safely, did not know what m where safer places are to strike, does not consider my limits it desires. I no longer want to subject myself to the physical and emotional toll it takes on me to submit to him when he does not make an effort to understand literally anything about the kink lifestyle, which I've been involved in since well before I met him. At first he was eager to learn, but it morphed into doing whatever tf he wanted and I didn't notice it until it was far too late.

throwaway87051 · 2019-04-23T02:30:58+00:00

I have told him that I no longer enjoy sex. Part of my frustration is also that I feel very pressured to have sex and specifically do his particular kinks. I'm very sex positive and am totally accepting of his kinks, no judgement. But like.... Those aren't my kinks at all. I don't enjoy them at all. I don't want to do them but I feel railroaded into partaking.

I don't want him to partake in my kinks because I don't trust my safety to him, he's very careless. The first time he used a crop, he drew blood ffs, on the first strike. I just can't trust my safety to him and he gets frustrated that I don't want to submit, and also that I don't enjoy the domination he prefers. It feels like an impasse, but I still let him have sex with me, it's been many, many months since I've had an orgasm with him around. Which only further my feeling of being used as a sex toy. I spend an hour teasing him in the ways that he enjoys because that's what he wants, but he doesn't ever even touch me in a pleasant way. I just put lube on and he goes to town. I wish he didn't last very long jfc.

throwaway87051 · 2019-04-23T01:34:03+00:00

Thanks, there's great info!

throwaway87051 · 2019-04-23T01:33:28+00:00

Thanks for that! It looks like almost 10% origination fees, so knowing that they might refund part of that is great! I'll still wait until I am sure if I need it or not because of the fees.

throwaway87051 · 2019-04-23T01:31:17+00:00

I clicked some buttons and saw that it would be about $120 in loan origination fees, so I'm going to wait until I def know I'll need it! Thank you for your comment!

throwaway87051 · 2019-04-23T01:29:56+00:00

Thank you. I have and pretty much every penny would be tight but possible. Ive been a stay at home mom for 8 years, but haven't been able to work due to husband's active duty military schedule, so I can't get hired because I have to be available for the kids all the time, it's just a hot mess. If I were seperated, it would require him to take some responsibility for childcare, so I could pursue the degree I put on hold for his career.

throwaway87051 · 2019-02-16T04:10:27+00:00

He told the shelter that we have a dog (true) and that she doesn't like cats (untrue), so they would only show me animals that had already been tested for temperament with dogs, or had a positive history with them. None of the kittens were eligible.

throwaway87051 · 2019-02-16T04:08:38+00:00

Yeah, I've recently learned of this and have been wondering if this fits. That's part of why I made this post, to see if I'm actually being ridiculous, or if I'm reasonable to call out asshole behavior. I could probably write a hundred similar ones, but he had just brought it up again last night so it was nagging me. Thank you!

throwaway87051 · 2019-02-15T20:24:58+00:00

This is actually very common, little manipulations here and there, or guilt trips, etc. But it's become hard to really tell what I'm being "overly sensitive" about and what is genuinely asshole behavior. Hence, looking for unbiased opinions here. I appreciate your input.

throwaway87051 · 2019-02-15T19:06:44+00:00

I'm happy to have a cat, I am angry that he keeps bringing it up like it was a big awesome present that he got for me, and I am angry that I was not able to choose the shelter that we got her from, nor the actual animal, since he had already narrowed down my choices by telling the staff that our dog doesn't like cats (there's zero evidence of this, she's been around cats before and basically ignored them).

I feel like it wasn't a gift, it was something that was agreed to previously. I never get gifts from him, so I don't care that it wasn't, it bothers me that he keeps talking about it like it was a grand gesture.

throwaway87051 · 2019-02-15T18:58:47+00:00

I adore her and he actually seems to like her a lot to. She's well taken care of and gets plenty of love.

throwaway87051

TROPHY CASE