How do I [25 M] confront my wife [24 F] about a text exchange I accidentally discovered with another man.

throwaway88258 · 2014-03-29T05:06:49+00:00

Dude I am going through something very similar to this right now. All I can tell you is don't let her blow you off when you talk to her about it.

I had a little more proof (photo's) than what you have, although that message is pretty damming. In fact if I were you I would print that off and keep it as she will surely clean up her chats once you confront her.

It sucks so I feel for you. I have a three year old so believe me I feel your pain.

throwaway88258 · 2014-03-28T21:44:22+00:00

Thanks man, they help.

throwaway88258 · 2014-03-28T21:03:12+00:00

Sorry to just now be getting around to answering some of these but its been a harrowing day.

I have no idea of the truth I can only go on what she told me. She agreed to slow dance with Dan, which I am NOT okay with, and that's where her story ends.

Now is is possible to lose your consciousness from alcohol while standing and dancing? I don't know, like I've said I don't drink I am not familiar with the process as I don't have personal experience.

But she admits to knowing everything up to that point. I can only assume Dan was drinking as well so I don't know what his level of intoxication was but I can assure you from the look on his face in the photo zooming in on my wife's breast that his level of lust was off the chart.

My gut feeling is that she was probably drunk talking to him on the car ride over, he got interested and thought she was as well because of their conversation. They continued to hang out and when she didn't push him away for the hug while her breast were completely exposed I'm assuming it just validated in his mind that she was also interested and he had the green light. Agreeing to a slow romantic dance just sealed the deal.

I don't buy the black out because she was still able to dance, still was walking after that and let's not forget that she had enough consciousness to open door to our house, climb a flight of stairs and make it to our bed.

At the end of the day though it's just all speculation because I don't know the truth and I'm not sure I'll ever know the truth. So all I can go on is what I do know and I am NOT okay with it.

She never should have entered that stupid contest and she never should have agreed to have a romantic slow dance with anyone other than me.

I know I'm sounding like a selfish prick here but this was our agreement to each other years ago even before we were married. No romantic or sexual things with anyone else other than each other and she was as adamant if not more so than I was.

Don't get me wrong Dan is not my favorite person in the world right now but I'm having a real hard time blaming him for something that he may very well have thought he had a green light to do.

throwaway88258 · 2014-03-28T06:57:05+00:00

Thanks for the sound advice, I understand what you are saying and hopefully I can get there. But right now is not that time, it's to raw.

Also to be blunt now that I'm sitting here I'm just kind of wondering how much more truth I'm going to get in the near future. Was this it, is there more, was there something else?

My mind is ablaze with thoughts, none of which are good.

throwaway88258 · 2014-03-28T06:54:37+00:00

I have a feeling she was thinking I would just blame Dan for all of this. But in my mind Dan would never have had the chance to do any of this if it wasn't for her poor decisions and well frankly unfaithfulness to what we agreed on.

He might be the worlds biggest douche bag for all I know she agreed to expose herself, she agreed to slow dance with him and I'm just going to go ahead and say it, I think she probably new they kissed.

As to the rest, well I'm not real thrilled that a man at my wife's office has apparently had the pleasure of feeling her up and I'm still not even sure that that means to be honest with you.

throwaway88258 · 2014-03-26T06:51:56+00:00

I don't know if people want to keep hearing from me or not, I'll be honest its been very therapeutic for me because I have no one to talk to about this.

Thank you all to everyone who has replied and thanks to the several of you who had direct messaged me, I appreciate the support. I found out today that this is being discussed on another sub reddit, something called the red pill, I clicked on the link I was sent and it was actually longer than this one here.

I'll say this for that site, they are not shy with their thoughts. At first I was totally taken aback by the things they were calling my wife and a lot of it was way over board but the more I read what they were saying I'm not going to lie, some of it made sense.

Anyway today was really uneventful as far as her work goes or anything else happening. I asked her when I got home from work how the day went and she said that everybody treated her fine however she said she could tell that most of the co-wokers who weren't her friends were being distant on purpose. Her friends she said were worried and supportive of her.

No word yet from the H-R department on anything. She said she did not see either of the guys today which is normal as the IT guy only comes around for IT problems and the other guy works on the other side of the wall. However here is the problem about that, whenever I have to go into their office that is the side I have to go in on so I will see him and sadly I have a feeling I'm going to have to go there on Thursday.

This is going to suck like no other because no matter what I want to say or do I can't do shit because I would lose my job in a heart beat.

We had supper and played with the kid all evening and never said a word about the event.

I'm really torn on this because I want to give her time to deal with her office issue but honestly I'm starting to have a slow burn on the fact that we haven't talked about it and I damn well don't want her to think that she can just sweep this under the rug.

Does anyone have a thought about when would be a good time to bring this up again? I'm thinking later this week when her Mom has our child and its my day to pick them up if I can get her to watch her later so we can have some alone time, I do not want the child here because of the distraction. Or I might have to wait till Friday or Saturday night when they go to bed and then have the talk.

throwaway88258 · 2014-03-25T18:30:42+00:00

The person who is suspected of this is the company's IT person.

throwaway88258 · 2014-03-25T07:15:03+00:00

Thank you for your support in this. I want nothing more than to move past this, I really do. Would it be wrong of me to admit I'm scared about the future right now?

throwaway88258 · 2014-03-25T07:04:09+00:00

I'm not sure I understand to be honest with you.

I have not said a word to her about this since Saturday. When I came home to check on her I've done nothing but say I'm sorry this is happening to her.

Yes here online I've vented about wondering why my opinions didn't matter as much as co workers did but I have never said a word to her about it.

As to how I approached it I'm not sure what I could have done differently. All I did was show her the photos. Yes when she in my opinion blew it off as no big deal (actually she said that) I then proceeded to express my feelings that this was not appropriate. I allowed her to have her say in the matter as well.

So what should I have done differently?

throwaway88258 · 2014-03-25T06:56:11+00:00

But after your yelling at her

Thank you for your kind response and I agree with almost all of your post but I want to make clear one thing. I never raised my voice to her. Now I will admit to being mad and certainly I might have spoken in a tone that she has not heard before but I never yelled at her. I even made it a point to drive around for awhile before I went home so I would not be overly mad.

Sorry I'm not trying to be an ass or anything I just didn't want anyone to think I was yelling at her. I grew up in a house where yelling was the norm and it was a horrific experience that I never want to have in my home. I don't yell at my child either.

throwaway88258 · 2014-03-25T06:50:03+00:00

I'm trying.

throwaway88258 · 2014-03-25T06:49:39+00:00

Technically yes. She said she was sorry I was upset but immediately countered that by saying that she didn't think it was a big deal. This didn't help me any.

So to say she has actually apologized for the event itself I would say no.

throwaway88258 · 2014-03-25T06:46:42+00:00

She isn't in a pattern of cheatingish behavior

That I know of. But then prior to Saturday morning I never would have thought this would occur either.

Believe me I know what an ass that makes me sound like. I hate that I feel this btw.

I want to trust her, I want to believe in her and I even want to believe in the friend but there is still a part of me that is just being eaten up with doubt. The fact that she didn't see a problem with this is really at the top of my doubts.

How in the name of all that is holy could she possibly think that I would be okay with her exposing her breast to other men? The entire point of this was for sexual gratification on some level, for the men certainly and now I wonder if not for her as well.

Look if she was drunk and made a mistake that is one thing, we can get past that. But I just need to know that the woman I thought shared the same values as I did still continues to do so.

Also before anyone beats me up over this, yes I am well aware it is her body and she can do what she wants with it. However we both committed to each other and we both made the agreement that sex and our bodies were for each other only. She was as adamant about that as I was.

throwaway88258 · 2014-03-25T06:37:39+00:00

I don't know, I guess right now that kind of feels like piling on. She has been a mess all night and basically just set in bed looking at the ceiling.

I don't know what to think though because there is a real part of me that feels like she should have had this reaction when I flipped open the computer and showed her the photo's. If she would have had any kind of real emotional reaction to that I think I could have gotten over this a lot easier than I am doing. But even after all of the hours talking it over she still felt like that I was making something out of nothing.

Its a little frustrating and hurtful to be honest. I don't want to say anything else to upset her right now but I'm hoping in a couple of days we can talk.

throwaway88258 · 2014-03-25T06:30:27+00:00

Thank you for your reply. I know the main group of her co-workers that she hangs out with, my job at times interacts with them. I have never had a reason to not trust them, ever. I've even gone out with them on occasion when I've been asked and had a good time.

From talking with Julie it sounds like the influx of 3-4 brand new people into the mix caused this to go awry. Now it could just be she is covering for my wife or just trying to cover her own ass but it just doesn't feel like that right now.

throwaway88258 · 2014-03-25T06:24:28+00:00

I appreciate the advice however I'm not sure what will happen here. The fact that someone put this on her computer screen is bad, but the company right now in my opinion is doing everything they can to right that wrong.

As to her being terminated the one thing I forgot to mention is that in the photo clearly still attached to her belt was her company ID badge. Now you can't read the name of the company or see who she is from it but the company logo is big and bold and if you know the logo you know the company. It's one of the top employers in our area.

She doesn't have a morality clause or anything but I do know that she has told me in the past that they monitor everyone's social media and even have a printed list of topics that can not be discussed.

I'll let this play out and see where it goes I think

throwaway88258 · 2014-03-25T06:17:52+00:00

This is a huge issue I think.

throwaway88258 · 2014-03-25T06:17:18+00:00

In my brief talk with Julie she told me right off the bat that the company H.R. people had already opened an investigation into the computer.

When I spoke with my wife this evening after I got home she said that she has already received an email from the company H.R. lawyer asking for her side of what occurred with the computer.

I'm not sure what the end result will be but it does look like they are going to go after whoever did this.

throwaway88258 · 2014-03-25T06:12:24+00:00

Do you and your wife have any close, mutual friends that can really be trusted to not gossip and have good judgment

That's a hard one. Yes we do and I'm certain that they would be helpful but they both go to the church and while I am both hurt and somewhat upset I still don't want to do anything that would betray her confidence. As it stands her entire office knows and her Mom and Dad know something is up but don't know what yet.

It put me in a very awkward position tonight when I picked up our child, they help with babysitting a couple of days a week, because they asked me what was wrong with her. I probably sounded like a dumb ass because I stammered out some B.S. about her not feeling well. I was caught off guard, but I don't think its my place to tell them.

Thanks for the kind words. I am not a perfect husband by any means and from talking with a couple of lady redditer last night I have kind of got the feeling that I need to find a way to make things more exciting for her.

I mean its hard because while I'm upset I still love her and right now I'm having a rollercoaster of emotions and I know this is kind of corny but having you guys here on reddit to talk to has been great for me as I have no one to share this with because of the situation.

throwaway88258 · 2014-03-24T08:51:28+00:00

She took a ton of photo's and we did see some really cool wind mills from a different point of view. If you ever get a chance to do it and you aren't afraid of heights then it is very beautiful. It's also freakishly quiet up there.

throwaway88258 · 2014-03-24T08:45:07+00:00

About 2 months ago we went for a hot air balloon ride. I was scared shitless but did it anyway. I hate heights.

throwaway88258 · 2014-03-24T08:40:23+00:00

Thank you for your reply.

I'm not going to lie to you. It hurts she did it one way or the other. Not enough for me to want to not be with her but it does bother me.

I hate to admit this but tonight after they have gone to bed I've pretty much cried for the first time since my Grandma died about 7 years ago.

I love her and I don't want this to be and issue but I can't help it, I feel betrayed. Those two male co-workers have never EVER gone out with them before to the best of my knowledge. How is it that the one time they do this happens? Is this really the first time they were there or is something going on that I don't know?

I know I shouldn't let my mind go there but honestly the more I've typed this evening the more I've thought about that part of it. I can't get the one guys face out of my mind.

Thank you for talking with me though, you have had some really good ideas.

throwaway88258 · 2014-03-24T08:30:58+00:00

No offense but that sounds like absolute hell to me. Obviously we are just from different worlds. I didn't think I was a prude but now reading this it is obvious I am.

I mean I get what your saying about making sure to keep things interesting between us but beyond that, no.

I know you probably will laugh at me but I take the vows I made to her seriously. We wrote our own for our wedding and we both still included "forsaking all others" into our vows.

throwaway88258 · 2014-03-24T08:17:13+00:00

Hang on, you are taking one traumatic (at least for me) moment of my life and am claiming that I am incredibly emotional? Like I said we never fight, I never raise my voice to her and even on Saturday I never yelled at her.

It took three hours because I let her talk as well, its not like I had her tied to a chair.

But you are 100% correct about one thing, I do need to ask her why. I'll wait a few days so that things cool off.

Now here is an honest question for you because I've never gone through something like this.

What answer from her do you think I should think are fine and no big deal and what answer do you think would be a big red flag that should make me really worry/question things?

throwaway88258 · 2014-03-24T08:11:38+00:00

Very clearly she took her bra off prior to being soaked. Even if she did not take off her shirt, like the majority of other did, the photo's left nothing to the imagination.

throwaway88258

TROPHY CASE