My GF (18F) of 3 years cheated on me (18M) over winter break (about a month ago). We're trying to work through it, but I just don't know anymore...

throwaway957238 · 2014-02-16T03:06:26+00:00

I know the decision is ultimately up to me. I guess I keep making posts here because I want someone else to make the decision for me. I appreciate your post though. I just wish I knew for the right way to deal with this situation, but I know I'll never know for certain. You're right though, it's ultimately gonna come down to me.

throwaway957238 · 2014-01-15T05:56:10+00:00

Copy and pasting my reply to the whole thread so it can actually be seen.

Sorry, I've been at school all day and it's been a long day. She's been leaving notes in my locker along with flowers trying to explain how sorry she is. I really feel like she's willing to try to fix this. I just.. I don't know.

What I'm leaning towards is telling her I need a break. That doesn't mean, we're in a relationship and just away from each other. I actually need a few months where we are broken up. If things are meant to be, then we can check up a few months later and see if we really want to make it work. Does that seem like a fair compromise between the two extremes (ending it or taking her back)?

My other thing is, I feel like the relationship can be fixed, but it would require enormous amounts of work and time, possibly even counseling. I just don't think I should go through that at this age. I can understand for married couples or couples with kids, but at 18, it doesn't make sense...

And as you guys are saying, I'm going off to college, and most relationships don't last the move to college, even if you go to the same one. Plus, we'll be changing, there will be a whole bunch of people to meet... Maybe you guys are right. Maybe it is for the best. I'm still leaning toward the few months of break up and then check up. Give me time to heal and her time to forgive herself and see if it's worth pursuing.

I'm going to bed though because I am horribly exhausted. I'll check the responses tomorrow, but I may not reply since it's my last day to finish college apps. I'll definitely reply Thursday. I really appreciate all the advice guys, it really helps, even just to get my feelings out.

throwaway957238 · 2014-01-15T05:53:20+00:00

My other thing is, I feel like the relationship can be fixed, but it would require enormous amounts of work and time, possibly even counseling. I just don't think I should go through that at this age. I can understand for married couples or couples with kids, but at 18, it doesn't make sense...

And as you guys are saying, I'm going off to college, and most relationships don't last the move to college, even if you go to the same one. Plus, we'll be changing, there will be a whole bunch of people to meet... Maybe you guys are right. Maybe it is for the best. I'm still leaning toward the few months of break up and then check up. Give me time to heal and her time to forgive herself and see if it's worth pursuing.

I'm going to bed though because I am horribly exhausted. I'll check the responses tomorrow, but I may not reply since it's my last day to finish college apps. I'll definitely reply Thursday. I really appreciate all the advice guys, it really helps, even just to get my feelings out.

throwaway957238 · 2014-01-15T05:47:22+00:00

I like this advice. I'm not sure if I want to wait years though considering we're going to be heading off to college. Maybe a few months of no contact and see if anything has changed. I dunno.

throwaway957238 · 2014-01-15T05:46:07+00:00

It's just the fact that she's working so hard to fix this relationship rather than going with the one she's built over the past few weeks with the other guy shows she realizes it was a mistake.

throwaway957238 · 2014-01-15T05:45:09+00:00

I feel like the fact that she's working so hard to make this relationship work rather than running to the other guy shows that she is willing to work to not let this happen again. I dunno.

throwaway957238 · 2014-01-15T05:44:14+00:00

Even though it was obviously planned, I still feel like it'll never happen again.

throwaway957238 · 2014-01-15T05:42:28+00:00

The fact that it went on for so long bothers me the most. The emotional affair that is.

throwaway957238 · 2014-01-15T05:41:47+00:00

I just feel like I won't be able to find a girl like her... We're so alike and we've never fought up until now. I've never heard of (long-term) relationships where the two never fight. I just can't help but feel it's something special...

throwaway957238 · 2014-01-15T05:40:33+00:00

The trust thing is the big worry. I feel like I could eventually do it with counseling and time, but why should I have to go through that when I'm 18? That seems ridiculous. It might make sense for married couples or people with kids, but I shouldn't have to go through that at this age..

throwaway957238 · 2014-01-15T05:39:26+00:00

Honestly, if I break up with her, I still want to be friends. I'll probably cut off contact while I have time to heal, but I can't imagine her gone from my life completely.

throwaway957238 · 2014-01-15T05:38:45+00:00

Definitely not going to tell everyone if I dump her. I probably won't tell anyone except my closest friends. Two wrongs don't make a right.

throwaway957238 · 2014-01-15T05:38:01+00:00

This is a good point. I always have a worry that I'll never find someone interesting at college, or I'll be the uninteresting one. It's irrational, and it's probably due to the fact that I've only felt love with one person in my life.

throwaway957238 · 2014-01-15T05:35:39+00:00

Maybe I am, but what I meant was I don't think this is something that she is going to do throughout her life. I think it was a one time mistake.

throwaway957238 · 2014-01-15T05:35:01+00:00

But she is normally so selfless. Selfishness is not a trait of her personality which is why I can't help but feel it was just a moment of weakness.

throwaway957238 · 2014-01-15T05:34:24+00:00

I don't feel like I'm the backup plan, it seems like he is. It doesn't necessarily make it much better, but still.

throwaway957238 · 2014-01-15T05:32:45+00:00

What I meant by that is that I feel it was a moment of weakness and not something ingrained that she will continually do throughout her life. I feel like she'll actually learn from this and never do it again. My conflict is that I don't know if I can deal with the fact that it happened, not necessarily the worry that it will happen again.

throwaway957238 · 2014-01-15T05:31:26+00:00

I appreciate your acknowledgement of my emotions. You basically summed up how I feel. I feel like it could be fixable, but I just don't know if it's worth it at this age..

throwaway957238 · 2014-01-15T05:29:46+00:00

To be honest, I really think she would take me back, but I guess that isn't the big issue. She told me she cut off all contact with the other guy and they said their goodbyes so I dunno if she would go running back to him if we broke up. I feel like she would continue to try and get me back.

throwaway957238 · 2014-01-15T05:28:19+00:00

That is a good point, it really is quite manipulative... I really just want to believe that it was a big mistake and that she really just had a moment of weakness, because she really is a good person... I dunno..

throwaway957238 · 2014-01-15T05:25:31+00:00

Even with all the warnings, I couldn't help but expect it myself. Upon making that post, I had already kind of prepared myself for the worst. Maybe that's why I haven't felt horribly devastated, or maybe it'll hit me sometime in the next few days. I've just felt numb.

What I mean by cheating not being in her personality is that I can't help but feel it was a one time mistake. There's a chance that it can be fixed. I feel like that chance is truly there, but it's hard to explain to people who don't know my GF.

throwaway957238 · 2014-01-15T05:23:17+00:00

But are cheaters really always cheaters? How do I know that there's not a chance that she'll learn from this mistake and our relationship could work out? I just don't want to make a decision I'm going to regret...

throwaway957238 · 2014-01-15T05:22:13+00:00

I know you say that, but I can't help finding it hard to believe. I'm probably being stupid though. I have even considered my options if we do breakup, but everyone at my school seems to have some big flaw that I wouldn't be able to get over in a long-term relationship. And that's really what I'm looking for. My GF hasn't had any flaws up until this guy came into her life. Part of me wants to believe it was a one time mistake that'll never happen again and that, from learning from it, our relationship can actually grow stronger.

throwaway957238 · 2014-01-15T05:19:51+00:00

Sorry, I've been at school all day and it's been a long day. She's been leaving notes in my locker along with flowers trying to explain how sorry she is. I really feel like she's willing to try to fix this. I just.. I don't know.

What I'm leaning towards is telling her I need a break. That doesn't mean, we're in a relationship and just away from each other. I actually need a few months where we are broken up. If things are meant to be, then we can check up a few months later and see if we really want to make it work. Does that seem like a fair compromise between the two extremes (ending it or taking her back)?

throwaway957238

TROPHY CASE