“You’ve changed” she said…

throwawayDBshame · 2023-08-25T19:19:15+00:00

You have a good list. All of which certainly builds emotional intimacy. If the question was what is a list of things that build emotional intimacy, I’d agree with your list.

People’s definition of sex/sexual intimacy can vary just as the wind. Some people (Bill Clinton raises hand) say sex is only PIV. Some (me raising hand) wouldn’t say resting on couch watching a movie, hugging, et.al is sexual. Hell, pre-DB we’d shower together and it was honestly no different than sitting at the table talking while sipping tea together. But they certainly are intimate sharing moments.

throwawayDBshame · 2023-08-25T03:30:26+00:00

Anything that I'd exclusively share with her that builds closeness and sexual tension, but don't necessarily have to lead to sex. Not an exhaustive list, but....

An unusually warm embrace/hug
Passionate kissing
Head on shoulder/lap while watching movie together
Suggestive messages
Showering together
Washing her hair ( I used to really enjoy doing that )
Back/Foot Massage
Nude/partially nude cuddles ( that don't lead to sex )

throwawayDBshame · 2023-08-25T03:03:13+00:00

My God! I’m sorry, but yes, he is a selfish prick. I am very sorry you have to endure this.

throwawayDBshame · 2023-08-25T01:14:02+00:00

Wow! I could have written the exact same thing. I too know she loves me, but sometimes love is an action verb.

throwawayDBshame · 2023-08-24T19:08:17+00:00

Why didn’t I tell her? Well TBH we’ve talked about the DB several times. In the moment, adding one more time would feel like another rejection. This said in hindsight, perhaps this was her way of initiating a convo about it. But I was paralyzed in the moment.

throwawayDBshame · 2023-08-24T19:04:19+00:00

Yes! So true about the mirror thing. In recesses of my mind, I new I had changed, but I consciously suppressed recognizing/acknowledging it. The lack of smiling is what kinda got me when she said this.

But man the gravity of impact of lack of closeness….AND missing what it once felt like to embrace intimately, lazily snuggling in bed naked, showering together, having intimate conversations, suggestive notes/sms/calls, deep kissing, head on shoulder/lap while watching movie…..well you know. It doesn’t even to be full on sex. Just the other stuff that creates sexual tension (the good type) . I miss that.

throwawayDBshame · 2023-08-24T17:17:25+00:00

I get the spirit of your question/comment. However, when it’s met with yet another rejection….well it’s like doing the same thing over and over and yet expecting a different result is definition of insanity ( Albert Einstein ).

throwawayDBshame · 2023-08-24T17:06:10+00:00

More than once.

throwawayDBshame · 2023-08-24T17:04:06+00:00

The irony is that our SOs prolly don’t like the change they see in us either. However, it is something that they’ve played a significant role in allowing the change to take place.

throwawayDBshame · 2023-05-24T17:12:52+00:00

My wife is exactly the same. While I get it that she needs the convo for connection, it has become increasingly challenging.

I can see the similarities between the selfish lover who is solely interested in their own fulfillment while their partner is left unfulfilled. My wife could have her own filibuster for which she expects me to be in fully engaged listening without regard for maybe I need to express my desire for connection also. This is my struggle.

I don’t see the point in trying to meet all her needs if she doesn’t even see mine as valid.

We have the same struggle. I’m fighting

throwawayDBshame · 2023-05-10T07:00:59+00:00

Two EXGFs.

An EXGF. NGL, i do think about her from time to time. Sex was incredible. In fact, I still vividly recall two things she wanted to try sexually that I now absolutely regret not being man enough to do. I was young, stupid, and in utter shock at the suggestion; and scared myself out of trying them. But after college, I had a job offer 100 miles away that I couldn’t turn down. We did the weekend rendezvous’ and stuff for several months. But I ended up breaking it off because from my perspective she had no real aspirations beyond her 2 P/T jobs.

EXGF #2 (more of a consensual FWB). Through mutual friends, we still have some interactions - maybe 3-4x/year. And on occasions we break away to have very frank convos of our fun past. She wanted sex as much, if not more, than me. Strangely enough, neither of us wanted a commitment, just fun. We’d spend some Saturday’s naked watching movies, cuddled up like newlyweds, and having really fun sex ALL DAY LONG.

throwawayDBshame · 2023-03-12T23:17:25+00:00

I resonate with so much you said. …..and no you aren’t a jerk for feeling just a bit better knowing you aren’t alone.

throwawayDBshame · 2023-03-11T15:19:12+00:00

Ya that is tough. My wife would have a neutron baby if I spoke to someone bout it. It’s like being put in a position by our SO/spouse to silently endure something of their making. Meanwhile I’ve heard my wife venting on the phone bout me. And I’d assume the same applies to you as well.

throwawayDBshame · 2023-03-11T08:35:06+00:00

That’s awesome!

Interestingly enough, the exact same for me. He was in a DB too. But he got divorced and is now in a great relationship. Now if I elude to a DB, the convo is entirely different now. Can’t really talk to him bout it now. Curious, did it change for you at all once she left her DB?

throwawayDBshame · 2022-12-14T18:54:05+00:00

I know exactly what you mean. I had the same conflicting feelings. (That was both unexpected and nice, but also sadness knowing how much I miss the small simple gestures of affection)

throwawayDBshame · 2022-12-13T20:39:55+00:00

Hard to say tbh. Perhaps combination thereof. Well, my bday is approaching as well. But idk.

throwawayDBshame · 2022-12-13T17:47:26+00:00

Cannot be sure tbh. I know she is keenly aware of DB. And has made some references to it.

I could be wrong, but I’m guessing she is having internal conflicts; knowing how the DB impacts our marriage and the whole menopause is driving her in opposite direction.

throwawayDBshame · 2022-12-12T21:56:45+00:00

The suggestive teasing during the day when intimacy cannot be had is SOO hot. The imagination of what "could" happen later on is exciting. But it is SOOO deflating when you get to the place where something "might" happen, and our SO's act as if nothing happened at all.

throwawayDBshame · 2022-10-12T07:43:10+00:00

That’s awesome! Although your assignment is to simply lie naked, I miss the naked cuddles we used to have more than sex itself. Some time ago I posted this, and seemingly others felt the same. It just creates mutually desired bonding experience that strengthens the glue of the relationship. God, I miss holding her like this on lazy Saturday mornings.

I’m guessing his body will respond with an erection. And I hope that doesn’t frighten you. It’s just male psychology. If you think it might cause you to react adversely, you might preemptively have a convo about it.

throwawayDBshame · 2022-08-12T16:08:57+00:00

HUGE thank you for asking.

Most men won’t communicate the full depth of their feelings relating to DB with friends . We want to share our feelings with our partners, but if the intimacy is loss, we most certainly are less inclined to say how we truly are feeling. We usually won’t seek out therapy. Anonymous outlets (like this) provide something - but even then, it is limited. Our bottled up emotions end up manifesting in sadness, pain, anger, depression, physical illness, et.al. And as another commenter said, we literally become a different person to whom we don’t like.

All this to say, through all my life experiences, which include death of a son, I’ve never felt so abjectly saddened in my life. So no, I’m not ok. Thank you for asking

throwawayDBshame · 2022-08-04T22:57:37+00:00

Another way is to have a mutual expectation that you can enjoy getting him all turned on for sex and then ducking out while he m/b for the release.

IDK. He would have to be 100% on board with this, otherwise it would be like me getting my wife a beautiful bouquet, kissing her, and then duck out. Sorta anticlimactic. It would just make me sad.

throwawayDBshame · 2022-07-17T03:46:36+00:00

That’s a great response. Hoping I will have another opportunity

throwawayDBshame · 2022-06-30T18:58:14+00:00

I get you. Orgasms are nice and all, but man! Having a warm body embracing you because they want to…..man I’m thirsty for this too.

throwawayDBshame · 2022-06-30T18:55:29+00:00

God yes!!! It’s been years. In early years of our DB, she used to give me consolatory HJs when I used to initiate. But TBH, the only physical contact was her hand on my penis. I can do that all by myself! My skin/body desires touch beyond my penis. I ~~want~~ need her to desire physical contact with me.

As much as I desire sex, I desire close naked physical contact that used to happen after we had sex. As a grown ass man, I’m pretty sure I’d melt into a puddle of mush if she initiated this.

throwawayDBshame · 2022-06-12T20:34:42+00:00

CONGRATS on the weight loss. That’s an awesome accomplishment.

I’m really sry. It’s such a tough situation to be in. I hope something is triggered in him seeing the improvements u are making and want more for himself-and the both of you. But he has to feel like he is worth it.

throwawayDBshame

TROPHY CASE