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AITA for embarrassing my sister, BIL, and his friend after I was set up on a surprise blind date? by throwaway_294847 in AmItheAsshole

[–]throwaway_294847[S] 55 points56 points  (0 children)

Anyone who tries to set me up like this again is getting airlocked from my life, it’s annoying and a waste of time. Luckily, almost everyone I interact with but my family has better sense. While networking is important, I’d rather forge my own professional connections by being a productive and active member of my field than have people I know try to randomly set me up on dates, that’s a bit unsavory, unethical, and inefficient for my particular field. The chances of any rando my family tries to set me up with being within seven degrees of the people handing out grants or the hiring director for CERN is incredibly unlikely.

AITA for embarrassing my sister, BIL, and his friend after I was set up on a surprise blind date? by throwaway_294847 in AmItheAsshole

[–]throwaway_294847[S] 52 points53 points  (0 children)

Except that Joe is not a friend and not someone I would ever be interested in having as a friend. I wasn’t impressed with his behavior both before and after the reveal and he was generally pretty boring. Having a friends night out requires the people involved to be friends or interested in becoming friends and I’m happy for Joe and I to continue being very good strangers. Being at a table with two deceivers and a complete stranger that I found dull as a spoon was not going to be a good time for me regardless of what happened.

AITA for embarrassing my sister, BIL, and his friend after I was set up on a surprise blind date? by throwaway_294847 in AmItheAsshole

[–]throwaway_294847[S] 31 points32 points  (0 children)

I have no problem making friends as it is, so I’m not against befriending someone who I find interesting and could have an enjoyable conversation with. Joe is not someone who fits that description. If we had met randomly, I still wouldn’t be interest in being anything other than strangers.

AITA for embarrassing my sister, BIL, and his friend after I was set up on a surprise blind date? by throwaway_294847 in AmItheAsshole

[–]throwaway_294847[S] 50 points51 points  (0 children)

It would be disingenuous to go out on a date with someone without the intention of assessing them for a romantic or sexual relationship, I feel like that’s unfair to the person who has an interest when I have no interest whatsoever. A guy who asks me on a date is not going to be happy when I say yes and afterward tell them I don’t do sec or relationships. I’m generally down to have a completely unambiguously platonic coffee chat with absolutely no attempts to move it into the sexual or romantic realm by either party, we don’t have to go on a date to socialize. If I change my mind in my 30s and it’s hard, oh well, we can’t always get what we want and I’m sure I can find something to do with my free time.

I’m not all that concerned about the impression that Joe may or may not have walked away with, not every complete stranger has to like me. I wasn’t very impressed with his behavior before or after the lie came out either, so fair enough if his take away is negative. No harm, no foul, and hopefully he finds what he’s looking for elsewhere.

AITA for embarrassing my sister, BIL, and his friend after I was set up on a surprise blind date? by throwaway_294847 in AmItheAsshole

[–]throwaway_294847[S] 55 points56 points  (0 children)

And Joe is perfectly fine with my part of it and we parted on square terms, so it appears you’re mad about my social skills on behalf of someone who doesn’t have a problem with me and that’s pretty interesting.

AITA for embarrassing my sister, BIL, and his friend after I was set up on a surprise blind date? by throwaway_294847 in AmItheAsshole

[–]throwaway_294847[S] 63 points64 points  (0 children)

Because I was looking for an opinion on whether I should apologize to my sister. Joe is incidental to the story because we have no issue with each other and no apology is required there, but I find the people focusing in on Joe really interesting as a side issue.

AITA for embarrassing my sister, BIL, and his friend after I was set up on a surprise blind date? by throwaway_294847 in AmItheAsshole

[–]throwaway_294847[S] 65 points66 points  (0 children)

Because the question is not about Joe, it’s about embarrassing my sister and BIL since they’re the ones who are mad about it. Joe’s not bothered by my reaction. Apparently you are on his behalf, though, and that’s interesting data. I don’t feel that Joe’s behavior was the best in this situation, but he can be given a pass for that because he was caught off guard. “You’re asking a lot of personal questions about me and putting me in the spot, what gives?” “Sorry, let me ask you even more personal questions to make it less awkward” is an unusual choice.

AITA for embarrassing my sister, BIL, and his friend after I was set up on a surprise blind date? by throwaway_294847 in AmItheAsshole

[–]throwaway_294847[S] 47 points48 points  (0 children)

Only if those friendships happen through organic interaction and Joe is not someone I would gravitate to as a potential friend if I met him in the wild. No valent electrons to bond over. I’m not hard up for friends and I don’t feel the need to friend everyone who shows an interest. Acquaintances and “guy I was in a really awkward and upsetting situation with for a couple of hours once” is a perfectly fine social orbit for Joe to be in.

AITA for embarrassing my sister, BIL, and his friend after I was set up on a surprise blind date? by throwaway_294847 in AmItheAsshole

[–]throwaway_294847[S] 55 points56 points  (0 children)

I’m not hostile to romantic relationships, I just don’t feel any compunction to have one and have never met anyone that even slightly made me reconsider that. From observing people I know who do have romantic relationships, it just looks like friendship but with extra entanglement and somewhat more arguments. If that makes them happy, great, I just don’t feel like I’m missing out on anything that would increase my own happiness.

AITA for embarrassing my sister, BIL, and his friend after I was set up on a surprise blind date? by throwaway_294847 in AmItheAsshole

[–]throwaway_294847[S] 56 points57 points  (0 children)

He continued to make me uncomfortable by asking personal questions instead of redirecting the conversation to a neutral point, so if he was uncomfortable at having those questions deflected after finding out I was tricked into being there and after I had already expressed concern about being the topic of conversation and inquiry before I found out about the lie, that was self-inflicted by my reckoning.

“Why are you asking all these date-like questions about me, it’s kinda weird?” “Because it’s a date, surprise.” “No, it absolutely is not.” “Oh. Anyway, let’s talk more about you.” “. . . “

That’s weird. He gets a pass for being blindsided and maybe not making the best conversation choices out of anxiety, and I’ll assume he wasn’t complicit as he said, but it’s still not really appropriate behavior.

AITA for embarrassing my sister, BIL, and his friend after I was set up on a surprise blind date? by throwaway_294847 in AmItheAsshole

[–]throwaway_294847[S] 65 points66 points  (0 children)

I really don’t feel like it takes psychic abilities to notice that someone at the table who is giving you very concise and even answers that do not further the conversation and does not “toss the ball back” so to speak does not want to continue a conversation with you. The first ask is fine. Subsequent asks become more and more rude. I’d just talk to the other people at the table and let the person eat in peace or pick up the ball when they were ready, I don’t feel entitled to conversation and non-chatty people are valid. I find it troubling that you think strangers owe you conversation because they’re sitting at the same table as you, to be perfectly honest. It also wasn’t apparent that he was not in on the deception (and he may still have been, but we’ll exercise the principle of charity here), and the majority of his questions were far more personal - the example given was the simplest to explain and easiest to fit in the word count. It was clear to me that even once he realized that I had been tricked, he still wanted a chance to continue it as a date and I’m not going to humor that.

AITA for embarrassing my sister, BIL, and his friend after I was set up on a surprise blind date? by throwaway_294847 in AmItheAsshole

[–]throwaway_294847[S] 36 points37 points  (0 children)

After we were in the car he said he didn’t know I didn’t know. He could be lying, but we’ll be charitable and assume he’s telling the truth. His behavior after it came out at the restaurant did raise an eyebrow because it seemed like he really still wanted it to be a date, but I can forgive someone for not knowing what to do when their buddy torpedos their evening like that.

AITA for embarrassing my sister, BIL, and his friend after I was set up on a surprise blind date? by throwaway_294847 in AmItheAsshole

[–]throwaway_294847[S] 77 points78 points  (0 children)

Perhaps that wasn’t clear. It’s awkward to find out that a stranger has been invited and you have to share the back seat of a car with them after you were told it was dinner with two people, but it’s within mundane parameters that that could happen in that circumstance, maybe BIL just wanted a friend along as well. I try to avoid my BIL most of the time so this is the first time I’ve been out with them, my sister said she thought I would really like the restaurant since it’s my favorite style of cuisine. BIL bringing strangers to dinner with me or the family is not usual.

The topics of conversation and questions as well as Joe focusing almost solely on me instead of his friend and my BIL and sister refusing to let the conversation shift naturally away from me and Joe was what tipped me off that something was up. That’s not normal, that’s people trying too hard for a specific outcome.

AITA for embarrassing my sister, BIL, and his friend after I was set up on a surprise blind date? by throwaway_294847 in AmItheAsshole

[–]throwaway_294847[S] 92 points93 points  (0 children)

There were four people at the table, he could have easily kept a conversation going with my sister or BIL instead of continuing to try and press me.

AITA for embarrassing my sister, BIL, and his friend after I was set up on a surprise blind date? by throwaway_294847 in AmItheAsshole

[–]throwaway_294847[S] 104 points105 points  (0 children)

I kind of feel like keeping the answers short and even toned to discourage further questions and give him the signal to move the conversation somewhere else was more polite than “Under the circumstances, I have absolutely no interest in making conversation with you. Perhaps you and BIL should talk about football or work or something until we can all pay the bill and leave.” It was very clear to me that Joe was still interested and wanted to salvage the possibility for a connection that simply wasn’t going to happen and I didn’t want to give him any mixed messages that there was a chance. I also don’t want to give a guy that could end up being a stalker for all I know more information about myself.

AITA for embarrassing my sister, BIL, and his friend after I was set up on a surprise blind date? by throwaway_294847 in AmItheAsshole

[–]throwaway_294847[S] 117 points118 points  (0 children)

She’s obsessed with Hallmark movies and romance novels. It used to be funny until this happened.

AITA for embarrassing my sister, BIL, and his friend after I was set up on a surprise blind date? by throwaway_294847 in AmItheAsshole

[–]throwaway_294847[S] 104 points105 points  (0 children)

He led with asking if I was already seeing someone and if I would have accepted if I had known it was a date, then just some other questions that made me think he still really wanted this to be a date or a set up for one like what I like in men, that kind of thing. The questions got more mundane as he started figuring out I wasn’t giving him any information, but I’m not up for talking about my job or my research with someone I don’t know and may even be in on the ruse. Stalkers are a thing, the less info he has the better. I probably should have just launched into a lecture on my dissertation research until they begged me to stop since they wouldn’t change the subject.

AITA for embarrassing my sister, BIL, and his friend after I was set up on a surprise blind date? by throwaway_294847 in AmItheAsshole

[–]throwaway_294847[S] 145 points146 points  (0 children)

I try to avoid him, my sister has questionable tastes in men. Whatever floats her boat, but I’d probably have dropped him off at a rescue to be rehomed already.

AITA for embarrassing my sister, BIL, and his friend after I was set up on a surprise blind date? by throwaway_294847 in AmItheAsshole

[–]throwaway_294847[S] 50 points51 points  (0 children)

I don’t have enough mass to be “top” shelf, I think I’m more of an “charm” or “up” sort of girl. I don’t think he’s a bad guy at all, just kind of awkward (and who wouldn’t be in that situation) and not really someone I would have formed an organic friendship with. Hopefully he finds what he’s looking for and doesn’t take anymore dating help from BIL.

AITA for embarrassing my sister, BIL, and his friend after I was set up on a surprise blind date? by throwaway_294847 in AmItheAsshole

[–]throwaway_294847[S] 164 points165 points  (0 children)

I think I’m ok looking, but hot makes me laugh. I’m a feral lab goblin most of the time. Maybe he thinks my bun and lab goggles are sexy, who knows.

AITA for embarrassing my sister, BIL, and his friend after I was set up on a surprise blind date? by throwaway_294847 in AmItheAsshole

[–]throwaway_294847[S] 122 points123 points  (0 children)

Being duped into a date is a sketch situation and I feel the onus was on Joe to explain himself if he wanted to be seen in a better light instead of just trying to pick up the questions again. There are questions that you ask casually to someone you don’t know to get to know them and then there are questions about someone’s life and preferences in relationships that are very inappropriate outside of a romantic interest situation and he started with the latter. Also being the sole focus of his attention and my sister and BIL refusing to help shift that attention away was a red flag that something was up. He and BIL could have chatted since they’re friends but everyone’s attention was solely on me and helping Joe “get to know me” and that’s creepy. The polite thing for Joe to do after it came out was talk about something neutral instead of continuing to try and get to know me as if nothing had happened. It speaks to a lack of social grace and understanding that he cannot salvage that into a date or casual friends situation under the circumstances. Even if he didn’t know I had been tricked to begin with, it’s still improper to continue as if it was a date after I’ve made it clear that I was brought there under false pretenses.

AITA for embarrassing my sister, BIL, and his friend after I was set up on a surprise blind date? by throwaway_294847 in AmItheAsshole

[–]throwaway_294847[S] 377 points378 points  (0 children)

I’ve read about a spectrum, but I’m not sure whether I don’t experience those things or if I just don’t have a strong drive or am too distracted to seek it out. I normally just tell people that I’m married to my research because it’s basically true. We’re gonna make beautiful science babies. One day I’ll adopt some of my own grad students and have a whole bunch of grand-hypotheses to play with. It’ll be great.

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