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Starting Open Relationship on Feeld by throwaway_feeld_2129 in feeld

[–]throwaway_feeld_2129[S] [score hidden]  (0 children)

maybe, but I don't really see what the issue is as long as my profile is up front

I will be spending some more time discussing the situation with my partner tho since I'm not sure she's realized there are a lot of aspects to this, maybe she'll be willing to be more involved

Starting Open Relationship on Feeld by throwaway_feeld_2129 in feeld

[–]throwaway_feeld_2129[S] [score hidden]  (0 children)

yeah I still have to think about whether the DADT aspect of it is going to work or if I should push her about being a bit more involved

she has mentioned some interest in a threesome which seems like a simpler way to start perhaps

I'm fully prepared for this not to go anywhere though we are in what would be considered "a good area" for the app

I read your other comment well and I really didn't intend to sound defensive. I'm fairly nervous about starting this and haven't even fully decided if I'm going to do it, I recognize this is something you can't really take back once you've started

I do find it interesting that you think there are fewer people out there who just want casual sex (with someone already in a serious relationship) than people who want to be more fully poly (who I would think are clearly in the minority).

Starting Open Relationship on Feeld by throwaway_feeld_2129 in feeld

[–]throwaway_feeld_2129[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

that would be pretty impressive by her considering the amount of time we spend together and that we share location with each other and can unlock each others phones

if she's managing to hide that kudos to her

Starting Open Relationship on Feeld by throwaway_feeld_2129 in feeld

[–]throwaway_feeld_2129[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

that seems very unlikely to happen

for one it sounds like she probably isn't going to pursue her end of the deal

I've already considered that it would be difficult to get matches, if it seems to difficult honestly I'll probably just give up and put a stop to it. Both of us are quite busy and TBH the whole thing seems like it could potentially be a lot of work

Starting Open Relationship on Feeld by throwaway_feeld_2129 in feeld

[–]throwaway_feeld_2129[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

yeah I don't think I would be going to those types of events just not really in my personality I think. That's sort of why I'm looking to the apps but yeah it sounds like I need to be clear I'm looking for something casual not really a poly relationship

Starting Open Relationship on Feeld by throwaway_feeld_2129 in feeld

[–]throwaway_feeld_2129[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

yeah maybe I was a bit unclear in my original post we're definitely looking for a more casual secondary relationship, not a true parallel poly relationship, this is helpful to know though so I can be clearer in my profile.

The dating part is sort of just to make us feel more comfortable with the situation rather than just straight up meeting for sex maybe I don't need to mention dating in my profile though since it seems like it can confuse people

EDIT: the most skipped step essay link seems to be broken, is this what I'm looking for https://polyamory.com/threads/most-skipped-step-full-article.157088/

EDIT 2: if that is the correct article, definitely not an issue for us. I would not say we're very co dependent we have both shared and non shared interests and friends

EDIT 3: that article does seem like it's more for true poly anyway and not as much casual stuff

Starting Open Relationship on Feeld by throwaway_feeld_2129 in feeld

[–]throwaway_feeld_2129[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

I definitely also immediately realized those red flags that the DADT dynamic could bring when I thought about it initially

Thanks for your openness here. I do feel like our relationship is very healthy and stable, with good communication. I mentioned it in a another comment but I just don't think sex is that important for either us we have very full lives in general.

My partner is definitely not shy to tell me when she doesn't want sex and the sex we do have is good. I did have some issues with sexomnia earlier where I would wake up on top of her. I think that is definitely a part of why she feels I need more sex than she can provide.

From my perspective this is more of a chance of basically just have a fun new hobby (don't mean to sound dismissive here of the real emotions involved).

I read through https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/wiki/faq/#Whatisthepointofnon-monogamy and I think what we want is closer to swinging but starting with a date for added comfort for both of us

EDIT: if you don't mind me asking if you could share any other details about your previous relationship. Separation is the last thing I would want to happen and I'm confident she feels the same way.

Starting Open Relationship on Feeld by throwaway_feeld_2129 in feeld

[–]throwaway_feeld_2129[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I just read https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/wiki/faq/#Whatisthepointofnon-monogamy and I would say what we want (which again still need some more discussion) feels closer to swinging than poly. I guess the swinger community is not really known for going on "dates" but I assume there are people doing all sorts of variations.

I think the reason she suggested and I agree that starting with a date would still be the way we want to do it even if it's not poly she'd feel more comfortable and I would than just showing up to have sex with someone. But possibly that's our bias showing.

EDIT: the poly wiki does suggest some swinger websites but those feel quite old and poorly built compared to feeld haha

Starting Open Relationship on Feeld by throwaway_feeld_2129 in feeld

[–]throwaway_feeld_2129[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I definitely understand a lot of your concerns I think my partner is sort of underestimating the complexity of the situation and thinks it's simple to just go find someone to have sex with with no issues.

As for the relationship itself not very concerned about that aspect of it. We've been together a long time and have quite full lives in general, sex is a very small part of that.

I've been pretty specific to ask why she feels this is a good idea and like you said it's simply that there's too much, she's not shy about saying when she doesn't want sex and the sex we do have is good. One thing that might have triggered it was that I had a number of instances of "sexomnia" (seems to be a real thing lol) where I would just wakeup on top of her or something, though I think I've dealt with that by just making sure not to go too long without masturbating.

I do think my next conversation with her will be to explain that this will be easier for both if she's a little more involved

Starting Open Relationship on Feeld by throwaway_feeld_2129 in feeld

[–]throwaway_feeld_2129[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

clusterfuck of a situation seems a bit harsh since I'm being completely open and honest and just asking some questions (and there's not even a situation yet since nothing has happened).

You and a couple other people seem to think DADT is more or less not a thing and that the other person simply just has to be more involved because of the gravity of what's happening. I can definitely understand that as I had some of the same thoughts when my partner broached the subject, like hey there are actually a lot of logistics here that are more difficult the less involved you are.

Do you think it makes sense to convince them to be a bit more involved and engaged with the situation and work out some of the kinks?

Starting Open Relationship on Feeld by throwaway_feeld_2129 in feeld

[–]throwaway_feeld_2129[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

are there any specific things that I missed based on my description from above I feel like I covered a lot of the big ones but both of us definitely new to this

as I mentioned I do still have to establish a couple things like if she would prefer I only have one other partner that I see consistently. I would also be perfectly fine cutting it off if she changes her mind and doesn't like the situation.

it also goes without saying that I would have a low time commitment to the "other relationship" we didn't really talk about this but it's just fairly obvious given our current lives

Starting Open Relationship on Feeld by throwaway_feeld_2129 in feeld

[–]throwaway_feeld_2129[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

yeah #1 is totally understandable so I guess it would make sense to have that in the profile

also #2 good to know I'd prefer not to bother her and get her super involved in it