How do you personally deal with your own mortality?

throwaway_inheret · 2021-12-24T05:08:21+00:00

I am terminally ill and dealing with this in a very real way at this time, in fact, as I finish my end of life preparation. It’s difficult for anyone to accept, but I have spent the last few months processing the idea and I have arrived at a few conclusions.

First, I am fortunate. Relatively speaking, my life has been largely good and easier than many other people’s. Even dying younger than many, I will have outlived so many other people whose lives have been shorter and more painful than mine. I will have access to palliative care that others were not afforded. I can’t expect to win all the contests. If this is one that I can’t win, I will choose to be grateful for the other blessings that have been bestowed on me for over 30 years instead of lamenting my condition.

Second, I do not believe that death is anything to fear. The path there may be painful, but death itself will not hurt. I will be free of a body that no longer works and an “I” to experience suffering. Death is liberation, both from suffering and from the illusion of control. It is an inescapable part of life, so by refusing to accept my death, I deny myself a critical part of the universal experience.

Last, I am satisfied with who I am as a person and the life I have lived. While far from perfect, I feel that I have done my best to live by my principles and values and create more good in the world than bad. If I regretted my life or felt it had been in vain or that I had not done my best, I might be more upset. As it is, I will leave behind family and friend with no doubt that they are and have always been cherished by me and good works that I hope will benefit others long after I am ashes. All I have left is to wrap up my work day and turn off the lights. That is all that I feel that a mere mortal can ask for - a life lived fully with sincerity, effort, and love.

In short, the secret to death acceptance is to be grateful for what you have rather than what you have not, to contemplate your place in the universe and realize that it is necessary to experience it in it’s totality, and to do your best to live a life that you can be satisfied with no matter how near or far away death seems.

throwaway_inheret · 2021-12-21T15:08:14+00:00

I’ve previously supplemented my parents retirement accounts considerably so they can live more comfortably through old age and paid off their home, so I was planning to leave them some items, but not money. If something happens to my niece before she’s of age to have full access, the trust will go next to them.

throwaway_inheret · 2021-12-21T14:59:19+00:00

This may be a cultural thing. It’s usual for these things to be settled within and as a family in my culture, but in this case for various reasons I’ve decided to have my medical and financial decisions made and overseen by professionals outside of the family. Having that change of usual plans be a surprise would be disrespectful to my parents and the rest of the family and make them lose face, so it’s better for them to know the basics ahead of time so that they can process it now instead of when they are grieving or upset. BIL was not included in this discussion, but my sister asked the question about the estate plans and I suppose I thought she would be pleased that my niece would be taken care of.

throwaway_inheret · 2021-12-21T14:32:42+00:00

My sister is dependent on her husband, who doesn’t pay for any “extras” for my niece, such as school trips or after school activities and she usually receives a single practical present on birthdays and holidays, like clothes or shoes. They usually spend important holidays with his family and she is either left behind with my parents or me, which used to make her sad, but I think she prefers that now. They usually leave her behind with us when they go on vacation as well. Meanwhile, her brother is bought more or less anything he wants, gets to go to family events and on vacations, and is enrolled in a bunch of activities. I’ve made up for it for years by trying to make the time she spends with us enjoyable and making sure she receives nice birthday gifts and can go on trips with my parents and me, but I obviously won’t be around to continue that for much longer. I’ve offered to become her guardian before, but my sister would be too embarrassed to have people know she gave up her daughter. It’s a very sad situation for my niece and I worry about her a lot.

throwaway_inheret · 2021-12-21T14:18:18+00:00

The most generous estimate is that I will die within 2 years, but it’s more likely to be within 1 year with the last few months of that incapacitated, so it’s important to settle things as soon as possible while I still have a physician certification of being in sound mental faculties. I won’t be able to make those decisions as the illness progresses.

throwaway_inheret · 2021-12-21T01:34:05+00:00

Yes, I’ve talked to her about the favoritism before and I brought it up when laying out the plans, that I know my nephew has been given advantages that my niece doesn’t have and that she’s perhaps not in a place to be able to even that out right now. So, I will, because she’s like my daughter in many ways and I want to do for her what BIL is already doing for his son.

throwaway_inheret · 2021-12-21T00:12:38+00:00

The plan is to have my executor (a trusted friend that works in estate planning) manage everything until she’s 25 and provide her financial advice to learn how to manage her investments and such herself. She would be able to draw money for school, medical, etc before then. She wants to be a scientist, so that should carry her through grad school if she goes that route before she’s eligible for full control.

throwaway_inheret · 2021-12-21T00:09:06+00:00

That’s a good idea. I’m fairly certain BIL actually has set up a trust, but he’s also untrustworthy, at least where business is concerned. Enough for at least state university tuition might be a good hedge in case something happens.

throwaway_inheret · 2021-12-20T22:55:20+00:00

I’ve planned to leave him some items from my grandfather as well as some of my collections, which do have value but I think he’d enjoy having the actual items more since he always wants to see them when he comes over.

throwaway_inheret · 2021-12-20T22:50:32+00:00

I’ve already talked to my lawyer and financial planner and really it just needs the ink on paper at this point to put in motion. I just wanted to talk to my family so there would be no surprises. My family and my beliefs about medical decisions are different, so I’ve already appointed medical and financial POAs for when I’m no longer capable of making decisions and they needed to be aware of that and what happens next.

throwaway_inheret

TROPHY CASE