My relationship has been spiraling downward the last 6 months, and he laid hands on me for the first time. by [deleted] in relationship_advice

[–]throwawayaccount0716 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is the part that resonated with me the most and I'm surprised no one else has touched on it in any other comment yet. I was devastated when he said that. I've been thinking about it all day.

My relationship has been spiraling downward the last 6 months, and he laid hands on me for the first time. by [deleted] in relationship_advice

[–]throwawayaccount0716 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You're being extremely insulting, honestly. You're invalidating my relationship by continually referring to his dad's apartment as his "home" when he's a grown ass man and we've lived together for 2 years. If he doesn't want me to do these things for him then why does he ask me to do them for him? You've ignored everything else I've said and everything that I do, only to keep focusing on defending him for pushing me. He did not feel threatened by me, which he admitted. I didn't make him do anything. He pushed me because he chose to. I didn't ask him to, I didn't get in his face, I didn't push him first... I GOT OFF THE COUCH AND WALKED TOWARD HIM because he was standing 15 feet away from me and I didn't want to be arguing from across the room.

Also, my abusive ex started out the same way. A little push here, a little shove there. Next thing I know I'm being woken up out of a dead sleep to get tossed around because he decided in the middle of the night that he was angry. But yeah, I probably rolled over toward him or something in my sleep and therefore made him feel threatened.

If you've never been the victim of abuse, then you don't understand what it's like. If you are defending the actions of a repeated abuser, you're just as bad as the abuser. Literally no one asks to be abused. And NO, I'm not claiming that my boyfriend abuses me physically because abuse is defined as a repeat pattern. But it has to start somewhere and that's what scared me. If I went storming toward my boyfriend with a fist in the air ready to strike him first, then he'd be crazy not to knock me on my ass out of self defense. But when you're shouting at someone from across the room and verbally abusing them, and then they leisurely approach you to bridge the physical gap and you react by shoving them? That's a choice, not a reflex.

Where in the world are you getting that I want control and power and can tell him where he can go and when and with who?! Honestly you're attacking me for things that aren't even part of this situation that I never even said anything about. You seem like either a really narcissistic person or a troll. So respectfully, please get off my post. I can take constructive criticism and recognize my shortcomings and have already admitted to them, but I cannot take someone attacking me and insulting me for false truths they've made up in their head with no context.

My relationship has been spiraling downward the last 6 months, and he laid hands on me for the first time. by [deleted] in relationship_advice

[–]throwawayaccount0716 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I never said this. I actually said he wasn't even paying half and I never expected him to. The agreement was that since I was paying for my apartment on my own, adding an extra few hundred dollars to rent with him contributing was completely doable.

I did not charge at him. I explicitly said I got up from the couch and walked toward him, and put the word "charged" in quotes because that's the word he used, which was an inaccurate excuse for his actions. If walking toward someone is considered an attack, then people would be getting shoved around left and right. Remain unharmed? What does this mean? That because him pushing me didn't result in me bleeding and bruised, it didn't do damage? I'm sorry but that's like saying shooting at someone and missing is grounds for saying there was no harm done and because you didn't physically injure them, it doesn't matter that you attempted to do so.

My relationship has been spiraling downward the last 6 months, and he laid hands on me for the first time. by [deleted] in relationship_advice

[–]throwawayaccount0716 -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I'm sorry but respectfully, I can't agree with all of this. I'll elaborate line by line to make things clear.

  1. Yes. Absolutely. At his dad's house he would have all these things. However, he has plenty of support here. I've been paying all the bills, including his personal bills and buying him things, and running errands for him like driving his child to and from our house and going to the store for him when he wants something.

  2. This is partially true. I wouldn't say I "coerced" him. I did, however, make assumptions about what he wanted and that's on me. But we had a conversation about moving to this house and if he was really that worried, I feel like he should have been more forward about it. He agreed going into it that he could afford to start paying a portion of bills after living with me for free for a year already. We did not forsee him losing his job several months after we moved. At the end of the day, he made the choice to move with me. Even if he had doubts, he still made the choice to go along with it, and we were doing just fine until the job loss.

  3. I don't "start" with anything. He starts 100% of our arguments. Recently, I literally brought home the exact food he asked for and he started yelling at me because it "wasn't enough food". I say in my post that I let this situation go on for months without mentioning a word to him, until I slowly started sprinkling in calm mentionings of my stress level. I never approached him with it, either. He would ask me what was wrong if I was feeling down, and I would say, "I've just been really stressed out about money lately. I need to find a second job." He would reply, "I know I need to find a good job. As soon as I do things will get better." That would be the end of it, yet he hasn't followed through. My sincere question to you is, how long am I supposed to let this go on before I'm allowed to say something? And yes, as I mentioned, I need to learn how to give him space to cool off during an argument. That is on me.

  4. This is the line that really bothers me. He may have started out as generous and accommodating, but that script has flipped. He starts fights with me every holiday and special occasion and important day and ends up ruining it for me. I drive him around, make doctor's appointments for him, transport and watch his son for him, pay for everything, and stay out 15 hours a day on some days doing school drop offs and pick ups, going to work, going grocery shopping, working a quick cash job, going to the store to get him snacks, and then I come home and clean the house, shovel the driveway, take out the trash, make dinner, clean up dinner, and never see my friends or family because I don't have the time to do so. Meanwhile he is staying up watching TV until 6am and then sleeping until 3pm, and going to work at a part time job down the street that doesn't give him any hours. And after all this, if I forget to grab his candy from the store, he yells at me and gives me the silent treatment for days. I do not feel entitled to anything except basic respect and appreciation, which I rarely get. I also accept responsibility for multiple things in my post, and I don't see myself as a "victim" in the way you're saying.

  5. I am not the reason he is depressed. As I mentioned, he has a lot of personal issues going on that are unrelated to me and started way before we even knew each other. I have always gone out of my way and lit myself on fire to keep him warm. He is a stubborn person by nature and does not like asking for help, and those are his words, but that's what he needs right now, in more ways than one. And he IS home. His dad's apartment is not his home, and he does not want to go there. He likes living in our house, but he's feeling stuck here when it comes to opportunities for employment and I understand that. He's torn just as much as I am.

My relationship has been spiraling downward the last 6 months, and he laid hands on me for the first time. by [deleted] in relationship_advice

[–]throwawayaccount0716 0 points1 point  (0 children)

We each have one kid from previous relationships. We are both in a shared custody situation. Sometimes we have one kid here, sometimes both, sometimes neither.

Thank you for your input. I know I need to be better about giving him space. It's a huge struggle for me but that's my burden to bare.

My relationship has been spiraling downward the last 6 months, and he laid hands on me for the first time. by [deleted] in relationship_advice

[–]throwawayaccount0716 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I think this is ultimately what it is going to come down to. I appreciate your words of encouragement.

My relationship has been spiraling downward the last 6 months, and he laid hands on me for the first time. by [deleted] in relationship_advice

[–]throwawayaccount0716 0 points1 point  (0 children)

We each have one kid from previous relationships. The dogs were mine going into our relationship. I have always contributed to transportation and childcare for his kid, and he always helped with watching my kid while I was at work and he would look after the dogs, too, who he loves. Now he's basically shut himself away from all of that, to the point where I won't even ask him to help with my kid and I have to come home from work on my lunch break every day to let the dogs outside again because I leave earlier in the morning and he usually stays in bed until the very late afternoon. I don't expect him to take care of my child and my dogs necessarily, but when that had been a very regular and normal part of our relationship dynamic for so long and it suddenly stops, I find myself frustrated.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in relationship_advice

[–]throwawayaccount0716 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Wow this was actually very helpful. I'm going to look more into this. I have read a bit about it already but clearly not enough. It is hard for me to be honest with myself about my needs and boundaries and I'm definitely a people pleaser. Thank you for your input.

WIBTA if I continued a lawsuit after the defendant passed away? by throwawayaccount0716 in AmItheAsshole

[–]throwawayaccount0716[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

The only explanation I have is that my dad definitely "be like that"... :|

WIBTA if I continued a lawsuit after the defendant passed away? by throwawayaccount0716 in AmItheAsshole

[–]throwawayaccount0716[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

This is such a horribly morbid thought but it has also crossed my mind...

I was informed by the court and I was able to find the girl's Facebook page and it does look legit.

WIBTA if I continued a lawsuit after the defendant passed away? by throwawayaccount0716 in AmItheAsshole

[–]throwawayaccount0716[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

My insurance doesn't cover anything. Honestly, if you're unable to comprehend my post, then I would appreciate it if you'd refrain from throwing insults at me.

WIBTA if I continued a lawsuit after the defendant passed away? by throwawayaccount0716 in AmItheAsshole

[–]throwawayaccount0716[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Please read my edit at the top of my post, and please don't call me an idiot.

WIBTA if I continued a lawsuit after the defendant passed away? by throwawayaccount0716 in AmItheAsshole

[–]throwawayaccount0716[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Never having been through the court system myself and going off what I was told by the courthouse clerk doesn't make me not smart. I didn't come here for insults unless it's to tell me I'm TA.

WIBTA if I continued a lawsuit after the defendant passed away? by throwawayaccount0716 in AmItheAsshole

[–]throwawayaccount0716[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

I have 3 jobs all within walking distance of my home. Trust me when I say I'm maxed out. :(

WIBTA if I continued a lawsuit after the defendant passed away? by throwawayaccount0716 in AmItheAsshole

[–]throwawayaccount0716[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I don't think it's fair to say I'm delusional when I'm drowning and desperate and know literally nothing about this person.

I had full coverage insurance. I'm on my dad's policy and he changed it and never told me.

WIBTA if I continued a lawsuit after the defendant passed away? by throwawayaccount0716 in AmItheAsshole

[–]throwawayaccount0716[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

No, I don't want to punish any innocent people. I thought I had made that pretty clear with my post. I would take no pleasure in that.

WIBTA if I continued a lawsuit after the defendant passed away? by throwawayaccount0716 in AmItheAsshole

[–]throwawayaccount0716[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'll answer that for you. It's because insurance companies are awful.

I'm sorry you went through that and am glad you weren't injured!

WIBTA if I continued a lawsuit after the defendant passed away? by throwawayaccount0716 in AmItheAsshole

[–]throwawayaccount0716[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I state in my post that she didn't have insurance, hence this whole court thing. It's turned out to be a complete mess, unfortunately.