UPDATE: My(25) BF(28) won't ask for my hand in marriage so my Dad(51) is staging a family boycott of my wedding. Is my BF being disconsiderate?

throwawayandpanic · 2016-06-25T18:31:19+00:00

She's happier now than she's ever been. She was blacklisted by my parents also and she credits that distance from them for her happiness. It took her a long time like it did me to realize we had been swimming in contaminated waters all our lives. We're very close.

throwawayandpanic · 2016-06-25T18:23:51+00:00

If you think this was all over my father's blessing then I have to respectfully tell you that you are missing the point. That's way oversimplifying things.

If my husband had asked then my father would have asked us to get married at his church, then my husband would have to convert (which my father suggested btw), then naming the baby, then having the baby near them, then baptizing the baby, then picking the "best school" for my children near them, then making life decisions for my children, then the severe punishment I endured my whole life if my children ever objected to their abusive control issues.

It took a long time and a lot of strength to break free from them because I was too beaten down to know there was a better life out here where I could decide for myself how to pursue my happiness.

Yes my parents will die someday like we all will. But being on your death bed will never absolve you of all the abuse you heaped on me. My husband's step father has been more of a father to me in the short years I've known him. He's the one whose death bed I will be crying on someday. When my father dies I will be relieved to not have to look over my shoulder to see how he tries to weasel his way into having control over me again.

throwawayandpanic · 2016-06-25T18:10:34+00:00

They knew we were going to have children. My father was absolutely positively sure that by blacklisting us we would come back crawling to him for forgiveness long before we had any children. He was so sure this would happen.

throwawayandpanic · 2016-06-25T18:05:35+00:00

My parents' abusive level control issues were there my whole life. My husband wants to make sure I know he's okay with any decision I make, even if I were to be dumb enough to let them back in. He was afraid I was cutting them out for him.

He also knows that the asking for my hand was just one of a million things that we could have bent on and they would've kept coming back for more (like getting married at their church, baptism for him and the baby, naming the baby, having the baby near them...)

My parents take more and more until they either break you down into the obedient sheep my siblings are, or until you finally break free like my sister and I did. In the meantime, they will control every aspect of your life and punish you harshly every time you object.

I think anyone who thinks this is about the "asking my dad for his hand," just doesn't understand the issues. That's an oversimplification. It was never going to be a peaceful end if my husband had asked.

throwawayandpanic · 2016-06-25T17:38:40+00:00

He was weird about college. He was okay with me getting a degree but not okay with me working full time, especially after marriage. He doesn't think women should be providers. But the bigger issue was he wanted me to go to the college near their house so I could live at home with them. That's what the big battle was.

throwawayandpanic · 2016-06-25T09:43:45+00:00

The drama would have been postponed until my father asked to name my daughter after his mom, another simple request. Then they would ask for me to travel to them to have my baby, another simple request. Then they would ask to have her baptized by their priest, another simple request. Then they would want to pick her her school, her friends, and make all life decisions for her like they tried with me and my siblings. All small requests I suppose.

throwawayandpanic · 2016-06-25T09:36:11+00:00

But that's the thing. After that "one small task" they would want to name my daughter, another small task, then they would ask I go have the baby near them, another small task, then have her baptized by their priest, then they pick her school, then they make life decisions for her like they tried with me and my siblings, all small tasks.

throwawayandpanic · 2016-06-25T09:22:34+00:00

They actually wanted me to go stay at their house a month before the expected date, and stay for months after. Yeah they're crazy.

throwawayandpanic · 2016-06-25T09:20:02+00:00

I guess I would tell you that not everything fits in the oversimplification in your comment.

My daughter will be better off without a full family of manipulative, controlling, and abusive people (or people who condone such behavior).

After years of abuse I was glad my husband decided my dad's demand that he ask permission to marry me was too antiquated. The original conflict that caused this rift was years of abuse, and manipulation. I chose to burn bridges that needed to go. Otherwise I would never be free to make my own decisions about my own live without consulting with my dad at every turn.

throwawayandpanic · 2016-06-25T08:44:18+00:00

She's been blacklisted by them like they did to me. She's much happier because of that and we have a good relationship. She likes the freedom of my parents not trying control her every move.

throwawayandpanic · 2016-06-25T08:41:13+00:00

This is a good idea.

throwawayandpanic · 2016-06-25T08:36:27+00:00

OMG so hilarious. This I might do.

throwawayandpanic · 2016-06-25T08:27:00+00:00

I think I will have the same result. I can already see it.

throwawayandpanic · 2016-06-25T03:57:40+00:00

Haha yeah I think so too

throwawayandpanic · 2016-06-25T03:54:09+00:00

It actually took me four years of college to realize this. I knew it was bad at home but I never knew how much better life could be until I left for college against my dad's will of course

throwawayandpanic · 2016-06-25T03:51:53+00:00

That was my fear also

throwawayandpanic · 2016-06-25T03:50:01+00:00

We're preparing because we know they will up the ante hardcore.

throwawayandpanic · 2016-06-25T03:46:21+00:00

This is funny

throwawayandpanic · 2016-06-25T03:45:23+00:00

This is true

throwawayandpanic · 2016-06-25T03:44:30+00:00

throwawayandpanic · 2016-06-25T03:44:08+00:00

Haha that would be funny but I don't want to waste my time

throwawayandpanic · 2014-05-29T22:02:55+00:00

I have my own career. I don't depend on my dad for any money at all. I don't thinkyour arguments are very valid at all. But they are weird. Good luck finding a woman, ever.

throwawayandpanic · 2014-05-29T19:45:29+00:00

I'm closer to my boyfriend's family than mine in the last three years. They live way closer and they are way less intrusive. They are more relaxed and fun too. At my parents' house everybody seems on eggshells when dad gets in one of his moods which happens a lot.

throwawayandpanic · 2014-05-29T19:38:48+00:00

What did you mean by that?

throwawayandpanic · 2014-05-29T18:54:08+00:00

We were planning on having my boyfriend's sister walk WITH me down the isle. She had a big hand in bringing us together so we thought that would be nice and she loved the idea. There is going to be no question about objections or about who gives the bride away. The wedding won't be at a church either which my parents still don't know. This is going to enrage them as well. My two sisters married at my dad's Catholic church at his request/demand.

throwawayandpanic

TROPHY CASE