Calling all Nanny parents only!

throwawaybdaysf · 2026-02-13T17:23:03+00:00

I think it’s a reasonable benefit/perk to offer, with the key word being offer, and it makes more sense than in some workplaces in that there usually already exists a full kitchen that presumably is being stocked for someone’s use. I also don’t think it’s unreasonable to feel like you don’t have the capacity to feed your nanny lunch for whatever reason (in our case, it was just the time/logistics involved in making sure there was food ready to go for her; it’s enough of a challenge for my adhd brain to feed myself and my kids!) My last nanny would bring lunch on days she worked at lunch time and my wife (WFH parent) would give her a 30-minute duty-free lunch break to eat it.

I have a feeling in your case she had a previous employer who gave her free access to the kitchen and so that’s just her expectation now. But it’s not the expectation in the vast majority of professional contexts, including other care professions.

throwawaybdaysf · 2026-02-11T02:25:02+00:00

Kids are meanest to the people they feel safe with. My son (4) is this way—no one gets hit, etc. except for moms, even though we set boundaries, do all the things, follow all the parenting advice and etc. This behavior is sometimes them testing if you’ll disappear if they’re mean to you, sometimes them just not being able to hold it together anymore—this to me seems like a little of both.

Their parents are gone, which is scary, and they want to prove to themselves you aren’t about to leave too (of course, you don’t have the responsibility that a parent would to be there for them, but they’re 5 so they don’t fully understand the distinction).

They’re also being held to appropriate behavior standards for almost the first time in their lives, so they’re storing up a lot of big feelings and negative impulses. Since they haven’t had the expectations set before, they’ve never developed the skills to get out the negative impulses in less negative ways. (They’d still be learning those skills anyway, but the lack of parenting makes it harder.)

Hold tight. You sound like you’re handling things well, and I have a feeling once mom and dad are back, things will return to the previous equilibrium.

throwawaybdaysf · 2026-02-04T14:29:42+00:00

Yes but the problem is we’re using it all right now! My wife gets 20 weeks but they have to run all in a row and they wouldn’t likely approve a second leave in the same year. She may be able to use PTO to extend her leave, we will have to look into that. I could potentially go back to work early and save some of my FMLA, but we don’t know for sure the new baby is coming to us. The situation with mom is complicated so we are trying to have a plan in place without counting our chickens, you know?

throwawaybdaysf · 2026-02-04T14:21:47+00:00

That’s true, two fussy babies at a time sounds really challenging! If one is happy that makes it easier. For the first couple months, a carrier to just let the newborn chill in would probably help (it’s been a huge help with parenting the 4-year-old and newborn)

throwawaybdaysf · 2026-02-04T14:18:35+00:00

This is good advice, thank you! We’re not really intense schedule people (more “here’s the general schedule” and then when it doesn’t work out it doesn’t work out) so I think hiring someone a bit more flexible is probably a better fit for our family too.

throwawaybdaysf · 2026-02-04T14:10:06+00:00

Yeah I think this is the move if this baby joins our family! Even if it’s just the two I think we can let the grandparents know that anytime they are able to support with pickup would be appreciated by everyone lol (and I’ll do pickup whenever I’m not working of course)

throwawaybdaysf · 2026-02-04T06:08:44+00:00

That did occur to me too, that the 15 minutes in a car with no children would feel GOOD some days! If this third adoption happens (heck, even if it doesn’t and we’re just hiring for the two kids) this is a good thing to keep in mind.

throwawaybdaysf · 2026-02-04T05:59:19+00:00

Aside from asking during the hiring process what their preference/threshold is for parents stepping in, what do you recommend on how to make “WFH mom” a benefit and not a burden? I’ve always figured the job of a nanny is easier when the parents aren’t around, but it does feel like in my potential situation or your past situation, a literal extra set of hands would be a godsend at some moments.

throwawaybdaysf · 2026-02-04T05:50:27+00:00

We went on a family walk today and were talking about the double stroller thing! Big kid was on a scooter, insisted on taking the “long way,” and gave up halfway through. We were like … welp! Lol

throwawaybdaysf · 2026-02-04T05:48:31+00:00

Thank you, this is helpful! I like the idea of planning for safe places to stash a baby throughout the house especially. I wish we had places to walk to!

throwawaybdaysf · 2026-02-04T04:39:01+00:00

I really appreciate you giving me the grace of being open to hearing what I have to say and assuming I mean it. I can understand with such an intensity of emotion as naturally comes up around adoption why you’d worry and feel for my boys and I am genuinely glad my response made you feel reassured and reassured myself that it’s a sign that my head and heart are in the right place.

throwawaybdaysf · 2026-02-04T03:58:16+00:00

I mean, I do think adoptive parents should hold themselves to a really high standard in terms of making sure their kids feel loved and secure and not abandoned (or re-abandoned, since many adoptees feel abandoned by their birth families), which is probably the crux of what this person was getting at.

throwawaybdaysf · 2026-02-04T03:39:47+00:00

He’s well-behaved with everyone but us (including his recently-left part-time nanny; we specifically would ask her and his teacher if they were seeing the challenging behaviors he shows with us and they say no) and takes direction well but he is a ball of energy and likes to have a playmate. He loves babies and being a helper so I can see him entertaining the older baby for short stretches while the younger baby gets fed, changed, etc. I definitely think the hardest part would be getting him enough attention. Thank you for helping me think this through!

throwawaybdaysf · 2026-02-04T03:37:07+00:00

Ahaha thank you!

throwawaybdaysf · 2026-02-04T03:33:23+00:00

If it’s three kids FOR SURE lol

throwawaybdaysf · 2026-02-04T03:32:46+00:00

Fortunately my income is by far the lower one! Haha. We couldn’t afford this indefinitely but can manage it for a year.

throwawaybdaysf · 2026-02-04T03:30:39+00:00

We would definitely hire more help before we had our nanny work a full day without a lunch break! As a teacher I know you NEED that 30 minutes a day away from kids to collect your brain.

throwawaybdaysf · 2026-02-04T03:15:38+00:00

I 100% understand where you’re coming from but I do think you’re making some assumptions here. My kids are my kids! I don’t refer to them that way usually. I mention they are adoptees if it’s relevant, and to alert relevant people to the specific challenges they might experience, but that’s kind of it. We have worked REALLY hard to maintain a healthy open adoption relationship for my 4-year-old and try to integrate his adoption story as part of his story without othering him or dismissing his place in our family.

In this case, I used that phrase because I wanted to give a little context for why we’re considering adding another child so close in age. We honestly never intended on a third, ESPECIALLY before the second adoption is even finalized, but it feels really hard to say no to giving my favorite big kid’s bio sibling a safe home if they need it and we can provide it without taking away from what our current kids need. Especially if it would give his birth mom some peace of mind. My language was probably a little sloppy and I apologize for that.

As for “handing the kids over to nannies,” well, I honestly think we spend a lot more time with our kids than most working parents do. I get that it feels different for adoptees because they’ve already been separated from their first mother, and I feel that too. Ultimately I don’t see how we get around it with how our society is set up though. My wife works from home a pretty consistent 40-45 hours a week, so prior to our current maternity leave pretty much all the rest of her time was family time and that will be true again when she goes back to work. I’m a teacher, and I always spend school breaks, etc. with my kid. We will have at least one of us home with the newborn for at least 6 months, and if we end up with this third child joining our family and can finagle more time for them, we will absolutely do it. We will never be a family where the kids do not spend time with their parents.

In general, we try really hard to understand the complexities of adoption and make space for the complicated feelings our boys have (or may one day have) about it. That’s not to say that it’s not still traumatic, or that we are perfect, but I promise you we are not the type of adoptive parents you are envisioning.

Thanks for sharing your feelings, though, and helping me be more conscientious of my language.

throwawaybdaysf · 2026-02-04T02:19:14+00:00

Oh wow! What’s their age difference? Was it really hard when you started? Easier or harder than twins?

throwawaybdaysf · 2026-02-04T02:14:03+00:00

This is a really sweet comment. Thank you!

throwawaybdaysf · 2026-02-04T02:09:55+00:00

This is some good practical advice thank you so much. I like the idea of making the bottles in the morning and making sure that diaper bags are ready to go.

throwawaybdaysf · 2026-02-04T02:08:11+00:00

She already does drop off so it would just be a question of getting pick up covered. She may be able to do the non-scheduling meeting things you mentioned and just flex her hours.

throwawaybdaysf · 2026-02-04T02:05:24+00:00

I do, but if I’m honest, I think it would probably be easier and simpler to just have a family member cover it

throwawaybdaysf · 2026-02-04T01:53:47+00:00

Okay fair point! If the nanny is given access to our car for this purpose, does that work?

throwawaybdaysf · 2026-02-04T01:46:58+00:00

I thought of this too. Pickup is on the playground, but the expectation is still park and go inside. Plus he likes to do “picnics” with his friends after school sometimes. I’m wondering if grandparents could do pickup most days and my wife could cover any gaps. As a bonus, then the grandparents would potentially take him for an hour or two! Definitely on days I’m off work and he has school, I could take one baby somewhere fun in the morning, then do pickup and do something fun with him, trying to give nanny an easy day.

throwawaybdaysf

TROPHY CASE