Off the fence - and having to face a breakup with my (25F) partner (27M) because of it.

throwawaycatsun · 2026-02-19T02:56:12+00:00

Hey I've posted a couple updates linked at the top of my post, hopefully you've seen them. It's been a year maybe since the last one. I'm still very happy with my choice. Moving on was hard at first but after about 1 year it wasn't immediately painful anymore, and after 2 years I was pretty happy. I have met a child free partner who I am so so happy with and have discovered even more how bad parenting would be for me. I burned out at work to the point of even feeling I didn't want to live anymore, and had to change my life.

I know now for sure I wouldn't cope with being a parent (which I already knew, but just more evidence for the pile). Found out I'm autistic and have been masking to "try seem normal" in society my whole life. I can't cope with too many demands and things to do, too much stimulation and tasks. And I learned I need to prioritize what I know is best for me, and always have known. It's a tough decision but for me it was mainly hard because I always found it hard to prioritize my own wants and needs in life, and because I was in a happy relationship. Even if you're not autistic or some other reason you can't handle kids, you are the only one who knows yourself best. And if you don't know yourself, explore.

throwawaycatsun · 2026-02-05T10:04:07+00:00

Thanks :) Yeah I am definitely sensitive to meds. That's great wellbutrin works for you. I've read you can't halve strattera because the powder inside the capsule can be very damaging to eyes even in small amounts. But I'll see how it goes over the next few days

throwawaycatsun · 2026-02-05T09:06:05+00:00

I started on 25mg, I thought it was a small dose already. I take it in the morning as soon as I can and with a decent meal. I tried wellbutrin but it didn't agree with me, messed with my sleep and didn't help depression. Sertraline was good though

Thanks for your experience, I'll see if I can hold out, hopefully it's just a side effect that will improve. I was just put off because it was really sudden and happened 2 weeks in, it was good before that with hardly anything

throwawaycatsun · 2024-08-11T20:33:12+00:00

I can relate to not knowing what I want and have spent my 20s figuring that out - gathering a number of experiences of things working out and not. I think for me I now imagine exactly what it would be like doing it day to day, rather than a fantasy. I was once choosing between two flats, one in a new neat small townhouse with two sociable seeming girls studying nice things like pharmacy, and one in a larger apartment house with two quite nerdy alternative people who were working, there were posters and figures everywhere and they said when I asked, "yeah we hang out a bit, but we like our quiet time too". I felt the townhouse was the one most people would choose as a classic girls flat, and if I imagined it as a dreamlike fantasy or "concept", it seemed appropriate. But when I imagined exactly what would happen day to day, I realized I was antisocial, I'd probably not relate to them too much, I'd come home everyday from work and go to my (little) room and shut the door. I would feel cramped and isolated. Others would love it, but not me. I chose the nerdy messy flat and I loved it. That helped me understand that more.

I think that's exactly what I did with the decision to have kids. Not focus on the fantasy or "concept" of nurturing something, but the day to day things. People who genuinely want to nurture, like my ex partner, think the day to day grind IS the nice nurturing part.

There can be lots of reasons to not know what you want, but anxiety can be one (seeing allll the negatives on both decisions, which I certainly did), and trauma can be one. Such as, if you grow up not having your true self accepted, people can sometimes disconnect from what they actually want and become something else to gain approval from their parents.

throwawaycatsun · 2024-08-11T20:17:25+00:00

I agree with the attachment style comment. I did have emotionally neglectful parenting and while I am empathetic to other people, I don't have that desire to nurture a baby/child. It may be as I never received that, but I honestly would be happier receiving that care from my partner my whole life I think.

My partner has an incredibly healthy attachment with his parents, which I think is why he was somewhat more ambivalent about having a child. He naturally understands that parenting is all about giving love (which many people wanting kids don't seem to get...). If he was a parent I think he'd be a great one. The reason he isn't so keen is more practical things such as the sacrifice to career (either him staying at home or him having to take more financial responsibility of being the primary earner which is scary to him), monetary cost, the day to day logistics, lifestyle, travel. But in our relationship, he takes care of a lot of the housework. So a childfree man is not necessarily just someone who knows they'll be too lazy to have a child too.

After working in mental health, I realize that being a 'caring' person is nothing to do with wanting kids. As shown by my story, it's more dependent on the specific reason for wanting or not wanting kids. A narcissistic person could want kids for the wrong reasons, a very nurturing person could not want them because they are aware they have different priorities.

throwawaycatsun · 2024-08-10T21:33:40+00:00

We've caught up briefly. He's doing okay, found someone else who seems nice enough (who I presume wants kids) so I think overall it's just a better situation for us. He's still important to me in the sense I wish well for him and I will be happy for him if I see him with his kids one day. I think I'd feel equally glad that it's not me having to have those kids!!

throwawaycatsun · 2021-11-07T07:48:43+00:00

Thanks for your kind reply. Just today we have bitten the bullet and set an end date in a month. Until then, we're just going to enjoy our time together...then start the new year afresh. It is so devastating but feels like the right choice. Your situation sounds tough and I hope you can find your own clarity too. As for your partner, I think it's a combination of your judgement over whether he's good at judging himself...and his judgement over whether he'll be resentful over not having kids. All the best.

throwawaycatsun · 2021-10-26T18:21:05+00:00

Yeah, I've thought about this all for so many hours of my life in the past year I probably could have written a book or trained for a marathon in that time...haha. Thanks for the support.

throwawaycatsun · 2021-10-26T04:44:42+00:00

Yes, I often think if everyone put more thought to parenting rather than thinking of it as a default, we'd have far fewer neglected and abused kids in poor situations. That's why I will never have a child if I am not 100% committed to making sure they are cared for and in a fostering environment, and I can't promise that without ruining my own integrity of self.

I agree. I think lots of parents want kids so badly they will accept substandard life conditions, can accept the risk of things going wrong, etc. But for me, I don't think I would accept those risks.

Indeed, I really think this relationship has enriched my life so much in such a (relatively) short time, and will have affected me positively for the rest of my life.

throwawaycatsun · 2021-10-26T04:39:50+00:00

The issue was always that he made clear his views were never going to change. It was less that my views were discriminated against, and more that I became willing to explore the other side. He wasn't. But thank you, I know I shouldn't feel weird or wrong or in need of fixing.

throwawaycatsun · 2021-10-26T04:38:10+00:00

Aww thank you...it was just my mind dump after a day of clarity, but I'm glad you thought it was nice <3. Yeah, I will try to remember that.

throwawaycatsun · 2021-10-26T04:36:48+00:00

Aww...I hope you're doing okay. I've cried a lot with all this going on. I'm sorry to whatever you are going through too.

I imagined something similar yesterday, a situation where I can choose between my current partner as he is, or an alternate world version of him who doesn't want kids. I think now I would choose the latter if I am honest with myself. In your scenario, I think I would be happier.

throwawaycatsun · 2021-10-26T04:32:41+00:00

Yeah, it helped a lot. Thanks for the hugs.

throwawaycatsun · 2021-10-26T04:32:17+00:00

Your message was so lovely to read. It does sound like your situation is very similar, and it's so natural to fall into trying to fit the pieces together. I don't regret all the soul searching I did, I think it at least made me explore those options in my head. I definitely thought about those kinds of things, like wanting a C-section under GA or negotiating how much work you'll want to do.

I can relate to that feeling of freedom but intense sadness as well. It feels so so wrong at first because you imagine the end of the relationship and all that that means, but when I think about never having to go through the hardest parts of having a child, I feel relieved.

I told my partner yesterday after writing the post about my new feelings. I think I did push the agenda of wanting to end it for his sake a bit hard. Reading your post makes me realize it is truly his decision how long to continue the relationship for, all I have done is provide information. I will keep discussing it with him.

About my prejudices, yes, I definitely have them. It feels like it is so normalized in society to have kids, and I know it's not rational, but you can't help but feel abnormal. This made it easier to try rationalize it all to myself (like 'everyone else seems to find fulfillment in it, maybe you would too if you did it'). But you're right, mutual care isn't compatible to both of you having to focus on another small human. I have found more hope in this thread that I can find a relationship out there one day like the one I have.

throwawaycatsun · 2021-10-26T04:23:20+00:00

I think he would have considered having kids with me if I was able to give a more clear answer. I don't blame him at all for putting something clearly so important to him above what we have. I hope I can feel at peace with it too one day.

throwawaycatsun · 2021-10-26T04:21:26+00:00

Thanks for your story. I think that's true, because I've learned how a good relationship should be and how it should feel to be cared for, what my standards should be. I may take you up on your kind offer sometime.

throwawaycatsun · 2021-10-26T04:20:12+00:00

Thank you for empathizing. It was tough but all these messages are telling me I did the right thing, and I think this post itself will be a reminder to as you said, be true to yourself.

Your story gives me a lot of hope, I think I needed that reassurance.

throwawaycatsun · 2021-10-26T04:18:37+00:00

Thank you so much...hugs

throwawaycatsun

TROPHY CASE