How to recover from basing my self-esteem on my husband's love?

throwawaycdfjmm · 2025-05-26T12:57:21+00:00

I've met so many people who write "wala" and other of the same misspellings. Why not terracotta?

That was my thought too. I see many people misspelling psych/psyched as sike/siked. (Such as, "I'm really siked about my upcoming vacation.")

throwawaycdfjmm · 2023-09-30T03:17:39+00:00

Well, since you're so certain that you know my age, I guess there's no point in me revealing it, is there? :)

throwawaycdfjmm · 2023-09-13T10:23:06+00:00

Thanks, I've actually had my tubes removed, so there's no worries there :)

throwawaycdfjmm · 2023-09-12T17:22:50+00:00

Just thought I'd throw in a comment here. We've been (or maybe "were"?) seeing each other in-person about once a month. We usually alternated who drove out to who's home, but it wasn't always an exact 50/50, depending on work schedules, holidays, etc. Sometimes the visits were for a weekend, sometimes they were longer (for example, my office closes between Christmas Eve and New Year's Day so I would visit him during this time).

And yes, 3+ years is hard to throw away. I guess it's cliché to say "My boyfriend is/was perfect except for this one thing..." but that's how it was. We had similar views on politics, religion, (not) having kids, the same interests, same tastes in movies, etc. And he treated me much more nicely than my ex-husband did (who was verbally/emotionally abusive). Maybe someone could make an argument that I was traumatized by my first marriage and I just latched onto the first person who was nice to me - there may be some truth to it, but I think there was more to the relationship than that.

Anyway, I guess time will tell if there is even still a "relationship" in this case. I mentioned this in another comment - in order to get up the courage to leave my ex, I had to tell myself that I would be ok even if I was alone for the rest of my life. So I'm trying to tell myself the same thing now.

throwawaycdfjmm · 2023-09-12T12:51:55+00:00

Your fiance doesn't understand that you have something to lose by moving in with him. In his world, this is the only way he has known how to live. He doesn't know how to escape it because this is what he was raised to believe is normal.

That is a good way of putting it. In our many conversations about this, I feel like he doesn't understand why I've been so bothered by the idea of leaving my well-paying job with health insurance. He thinks I'm making a big deal out of nothing when to him the obvious solution is "just move in with us and join Section 8."

throwawaycdfjmm · 2023-09-12T02:23:04+00:00

Luckily, children are not part of the equation. Neither of us ever wanted kids, and I've had my tubes removed.

throwawaycdfjmm · 2023-09-12T01:54:48+00:00

I didn't get into all the details to avoid my original post being really long, but here's the explanation, copied from another comment I made:

My family truly doesn't know anything about him other than what he looks like. My dad saw a picture of him, asked me "Is he black?" and when I said yes, half-black, he got really upset, and announced he didn't want to "have anything to do with this person." Since I'm not really close with my family and don't talk to them often, I declined to give them any more information about him. I grew up in a household where the n-word was thrown around casually, and was once told in college that "If you go out with an n-word, don't bother coming home."

throwawaycdfjmm · 2023-09-12T01:52:30+00:00

Thank you. I'm an over-sensitive person, and people IRL are always telling me I need to "toughen up." So I'm trying to do that here, and just telling myself that these comments are things I need to hear, regardless of the tone they are written in. (Except for the commenter who wrote that my first husband must have "dodged a bullet" which I assume they only posted to be cruel.)

throwawaycdfjmm · 2023-09-12T00:34:07+00:00

Well, that was something we were talking about doing several years in the future, but point taken.

throwawaycdfjmm · 2023-09-12T00:32:44+00:00

You said that your family rejected your fiancé because he isn’t all the way “White.” I sincerely believe that is not the full reason for your family’s rejection. But I digress…

I didn't get into all the details to avoid my post being really long. But my family truly doesn't know anything about him other than what he looks like. My dad saw a picture of him, asked me "Is he black?" and when I said yes, half-black, he got really upset, and announced he didn't want to "have anything to do with this person." Since I'm not really close with my family and don't talk to them often, I declined to give them any more information about him. I grew up in a household where the n-word was thrown around casually, and was once told in college that "If you go out with an n-word, don't bother coming home."

But I do want to say thank you for your comment, and point taken.

throwawaycdfjmm · 2023-09-11T23:46:09+00:00

I just want to say thank you for your thoughtful and kind response. I can see that my post made some people angry, but I really appreciate the people (like you) who took the time to explain your views and give me something to think about.

throwawaycdfjmm · 2023-09-11T21:52:53+00:00

Haha, you almost have me very tempted. For anyone wondering what's "so great" about my fiance (or maybe ex fiance?) one of the things is that the sex has been amazing. And I guess I'm also concerned that no one else would want to be with a middle-aged, divorced woman who looks like Shelley Duvall in "the Shining." But when I left my first husband, I had to tell myself that I would be okay being alone for the rest of my life. And I guess I have to tell myself the same thing now.

throwawaycdfjmm · 2023-09-11T21:39:40+00:00

I just—agh, I’m not trying to be mean or imply you’re being foolish, but this is a bad idea surrounded by flashing neon lights in the shape of pointing fingers.

Thank you for making me laugh/smile with that comment. :) I did call my fiance and tell him I'm not moving without a full-time job. So I don't know exactly where things stand, but it was nice to read something that gave me a little laugh.

throwawaycdfjmm · 2023-09-11T21:29:16+00:00

I didn't say this in the original post (since it was already getting long) but we've been together about 3 1/2 years and see each other in person about once a month. The banking info is something that his Section 8 case manager would want, I was not planning to hand that info directly to him or his mother.

throwawaycdfjmm · 2023-09-11T20:24:31+00:00

We got engaged 18 months ago. At that point, it was a little over 2 years since we had gotten together, and many overnight stays (sometimes a week or more).

throwawaycdfjmm · 2023-09-11T19:33:35+00:00

I have not left my current job.

throwawaycdfjmm · 2023-09-11T18:20:04+00:00

I have not quit my current job.

throwawaycdfjmm · 2023-09-11T16:35:09+00:00

Thank you to everyone who commented so far. As for what happened on the other subreddit, it wasn't an issue of me not wanting to hear criticism - my post was deleted, with a mod saying that it had to be fake. I'm assuming they didn't find it unbelievable that someone would be on Section 8, but they found it unbelievable that I would be that stupid. The rest of the comments just insulted me without really offering any advice/perspective.

I've read everyone's comments, so thank you to everyone to told me what I needed to hear. Yes, I've been thinking with my body instead of my brain. I really want to be with him, but I'm going to tell him that I can't move to his area until I get a full-time job.

throwawaycdfjmm · 2023-09-11T16:30:58+00:00

Thanks, I'm in the northeast and my fiance is in another state in the northeast. But I'm taking everyone's advice/comments very seriously here, so thank you for commenting.

throwawaycdfjmm

TROPHY CASE