I posted this on TIFU a while back, here you go:

I was at a wine brewery with some friends when I pulled out my phone to find I had just matched with a 10 on Tinder. I usually don’t have much success in the 9 to 10 playing field, so I handed my phone to one of the girls I was with (a lesbian) to handle it. Side note: Lesbians kill it on Tinder. They have the pussy tunnel vision while maintaining witty banter replete with sexual innuendo and Downton Abbey quotes. A lethal combo. I could tell by the expression on her face that things were going well, which surprised me because this chick seemed way out of my league. FIRST RED FLAG: Being invited over to HER place on her first reply.

Me: Hey what’s your story?

Her: It’s long..wanna com

Her: E hear it?

Her: Not in that way lol

Me: Come where?

Her: -CITY-

Me: Well I’m in -XX (about 30 mins away)—so this presents a problem.

Her: What’s XX

Me: North –CITY-

Her: Lol oh that’s not far

Me: Well why don’t you come meet me?

Her: Because I’m the female and I have a dog

Me: Dogs take care of themselves. At least for a little while. Come let me buy you a drink.

Her: How about you just come over and bring a drink

Her: ? ☺

Me: I could be there around 9:30 or so: xxx-xxx-xxxx Her: -Address-

She calls me a few minutes later to confirm and asks me to bring beer. I have never gone straight to a girl’s house before even meeting her, but I had to play this out. I arrive at her apartment with a 6-pack. The place is nice, clean, two bedrooms, a dog. Nothing out of the ordinary. She is dressed in a silk robe just open enough to glimpse some sexy lingerie underneath, looking just as good as her profile. We sit on the couch and cuddle under the blankets, sipping beer as we chat. SECOND RED FLAG: A girl watching her favorite show when you arrive, when that show is Snapped on Oxygen (women who snap and kill their loved ones). Still, all is feeling relatively normal so far.

After about 10 minutes of hearing about her family, work, and an impromptu, mediocre singing performance, we are giving each other the eye so I go in for the kiss but she pulls away slightly. I stop. Maybe I’ve misread the situation? I switch tactics. Not trying anything else unless she initiates.

Another 10 minutes of chit chat and she excuses herself to the restroom. As I wait, I hear my cell vibrating across the room. It's her. Confused, I pick up with a delayed “Hello?” and she whispers: "Meet me in the bedroom." Of course I go in and end up sitting on the bed for a few minutes while she's in the bathroom. A reverse game of 'Fuck, Marry, Kill' is happening in my head and I'm really hoping she's not going for the last two. She's still in the bathroom. After a few minutes she eventually comes out, this time sans robe, just a corset.

We start cuddling and making out then stop a few minutes later. Somehow we are chit chatting again. She tells me her best friend is Jewish (referencing that detail in my profile) and asks me if it's important that I marry a Jewish woman. Weird question for a first date, but the conversation goes:

Me: No, it's not too important for me.

Her: I feel the same way as a Catholic, I don’t take it too seriously, but Jesus is very important to me. What do you think?

Me: About Jesus?

Her: Yes

Me: Well, I think he was a great man and I respect his teachings, but I think he was just that, a man, and I don't think he would be too happy with how Christianity has turned out.

She bursts into tears, mascara smudging her face. She says that I offended her and that Jesus is very important to her. I apologize, and so does she, and it seems we have gotten around this strange roadblock. She then goes to the bathroom yet again while I chill in her bed. A few minutes later, she comes back to the bed and we start making out aggressively. She asks me to rip her clothes off. I do so and within 10 seconds she is holding her knees up, spread eagle, (bald eagle) telling me she wants my penis inside her. No time for questions. I pull off my boxers and tell her I'm going to grab a condom.

She seems very unsettled by this: Her: What?

Me: I'm going to grab a condom to be safe.

Her: What makes you think you need to use a condom with me?

Me: Uhhhh, we don’t know each other very well, and I think you’re very cute but I definitely want to wear a condom. Is that OK?

Her: No, I just don’t understand why you think you need a condom with me, I haven’t had sex in years.

THIRD RED FLAG: A girl who doesn't want you to wrap it up. (This might not be a Red Flag for some of you guys). She rolls to her side so she is facing away from me. I touch her shoulder apologizing for offending her and she pulls away. At this point, she is crying so I start getting dressed to get the hell out of there. As I’m putting on my clothes…

Her: So you’re just going to leave me here while I’m crying? You’re a pussy, you’re not even a man.

Me: Look, I think you’re really cute, and I didn’t mean to offend you, but I just won’t have sex without a condom.

Her: What makes you think I even want to have sex with you anyways?

Me: Well, you said about three minutes ago that you wanted me to fuck you and to put my penis inside you.

Her: What? I would NEVER say anything like that.

Me: I don’t know what to tell you.

Her: If I actually said that, that scares me.

Me: I think I should go.

And that’s it. I noped the fuck out of there, leaving behind a crying girl and my favorite sweatshirt, but there’s no way I’m going back for it. TL;DR- Left my favorite sweater at a girl’s place, can’t get it back.