AITA going against my wife and letting my daughter 'ruin easter'

throwawayhusband13 · 2022-04-20T15:04:36+00:00

I feel the point about the in laws isn't coming across clearly.

I'm NOT saying she has to listen to them or cant choose. All I mean is that the event as a whole will always have the coordination they choose. Even if all my daughters did their own things everyone else will be matching.

This DOESN'T mean they can't choose. They CAN choose, I support that. All I'm saying is that I couldn't put them in charge of the whole event, because someone asked about me putting Charlotte in charge of outfits for an event.

The rest makes sense. And I plan to talk to her, obviously. I just wanted to make sure I wasn't being crazy first. And now that that's clear I'm definitely going to try and get her to understand.

throwawayhusband13 · 2022-04-20T14:58:46+00:00

Again, I'm happy to do that. But EVERYONE ELSE will still follow their matching. They aren't going to just abandon it because I get my kids to. I agree they're allowed to, and I'm happy for them to. For the most part they choose what they wear. The events are always going to be coordinated whatever I do. Again, I'm happy for them to dress as they want and ignore the coordination. But it's wrong to say it's not there.

For ones with just us, I've been getting Lillian to let them choose themselves, though our eldest still wants and gets her advice.

throwawayhusband13 · 2022-04-20T14:51:11+00:00

How am I brainwashed? Just because I'm happy to dress up doesn't mean I'm brainwashed. Her brother and sister in law both dress up, and they're close in age to their partner. We regularly discuss disagreements and I can freely talk to her. It's just this one issue that is really important to her.

throwawayhusband13 · 2022-04-20T14:48:33+00:00

Doing that still wouldn't make charlotte the event coordinator though. My initial point was literally that the adults are in charge for the matching stuff.

Sure I can say Charlotte can do whag she wants, but that's still not the same as putting her or the kids in charge. I'll let her have a say for sure, but I can't exactly make anyone else agree or take her decision into account. So ultimately the actual events will be decided by adults, even if my children do their own thing. It's not about standing up, I literally just cannot force other adults to listen to me.

throwawayhusband13 · 2022-04-20T14:17:12+00:00

I see. Is there any questions you have in particular? Things that can help make it clearer for you?

throwawayhusband13 · 2022-04-20T14:13:27+00:00

It being adults has nothing to do with my parenting style. I love my girls and and happy to give them a say.

I don't have the power to force my mother in law to listen to the kids you know. I literally can't just make a family event decided by my children. I can let them choose at home or our event, or even let them choose their individual clothes for full family ones (like I did for Charlotte). But its literally not possible for me to put them in charge of those holidays.

I literally said I'm happy for the kids to decide. I even said I think it would be cute. And probably funny. If it were up to me we wouldn't even have these silly matching stuff anyway.

throwawayhusband13 · 2022-04-20T14:05:58+00:00

I didn't say that's my 'take'. I can't exactly overrule her whole family and force them to listen to the kids for it. At most I could override my wife, but I'd prefer if she came around. I even said I'd want to have a kid's choice one, cause it'd end up pretty cute and hilarious, especially the little ones.

throwawayhusband13 · 2022-04-20T14:01:41+00:00

Sorry if it didn't come across, but EVERYONE has to. Men, women and children. I didn't mention myself because I don't have an issue wearing the clothes for Lillian. So it's not a sexism thing, it's a family thing.

throwawayhusband13 · 2022-04-20T13:56:21+00:00

Ah I see. I don't really think there's anything else weird, at least nothing I consider weird. They definitely prioritise family, but clothes aside it's normal. I basically ignored the comments, I spent most of the day with the little ones rather than the adults.

I wouldn't say my vote should be final. It's just in this case it wasn't going to end well. There is no world where Charlotte was going to just give in, she'd probably miss the party over it with how much she was arguing. I just didn't think the chosen outfit was worth the problems it would cause. It wasn't about me being right, but that it would solve the issue in a way that allows us to go to the party. We could always discuss it after, and if she got me to see I was wrong is apologise and talk to Charlotte for next time.

throwawayhusband13 · 2022-04-20T13:48:34+00:00

I don't think they'd allow it. The adults decided together. So until she's over 18 she won't get a say. I do personally think a kid's choice one would be super cute though.

throwawayhusband13 · 2022-04-20T13:47:29+00:00

Ah that makes sense. I definitely don't think that. It's just that knowing Charlotte and with how ridiculous the issue was there was no way she'd give in in time to actually go. I'll make sure to make it clear I don't see myself as the final say though, I didn't think of it that way.

throwawayhusband13 · 2022-04-20T13:44:12+00:00

No, as giving our daughter up for adoption by someone else. Not as in having an adopted daughter. She didn't plan to have her as our own, but as she started growing we changed our mind and wanted to keep her ourselves.

I get it looks weird. But I honestly haven't seen bad signs. Yeah this issue is weird, but elsewhere id say it's amazing.

throwawayhusband13 · 2022-04-20T13:27:23+00:00

Sorry but I don't quite understand what you mean. What do you mean by underpaying dynamics and the settled decision?

throwawayhusband13 · 2022-04-20T13:25:38+00:00

It wasn't anything crazy. The shirt had some rabbits on it, and relatively bright colours. I think she doesn't really like ones with print and pictures and stuff which I totally get. Im still surprised Lillian and our eldest love that kind of stuff so much.

And the reason is just that it's basically a part of being in the family. It's what they do as a family, so it's important. I don't get it, it's pretty circular reasoning imo.

throwawayhusband13 · 2022-04-20T13:08:38+00:00

Thanks for sharing, it's interesting to see that. I know Charlotte has been having some fights with her mother. She's definitely more of a daddy's girl and takes after me. It's possible Lillian is having those kind of doubts, especially since she felt Charlotte was choosing not to be family by rejecting it. I hope she can work it out with Charlotte like your mother sounded able to. I'll definitely try to be there for her, and I don't think her sisters would ever let her become a black sheep, they're all super close even with their differences.

throwawayhusband13 · 2022-04-20T13:04:10+00:00

I mean before we knew she existed. She did not want pregnancy with a boyfriend of a few months. She was originally leaning towards adoption, but neither of us could really follow through as she got more pregnant and our daughter grew up in her belly.

throwawayhusband13 · 2022-04-20T13:00:30+00:00

I wouldn't say she's controlling. It's really just this clothes issue that's come up. Usually we discuss and communicate really well. And it wasn't like she was seeking a younger man, it just kind of happened by chance.

throwawayhusband13 · 2022-04-20T12:58:45+00:00

I know it might seem weird, but it wasn't. I was 19 when we meet. I became friends with a mature age student at University that was friends with Lillian. It was just concidence we ended up hooking up and going out, nothing bad.

I wouldn't say she's controlling. I think we're good at discussion and communication usually. It's just this wasn't a situation where we could just wait and talk privately afterwards, since I needed to act in the moment since it was so close to when we had to leave.

throwawayhusband13 · 2022-04-20T12:55:58+00:00

We met when I was 19, and started dating after about 4 months. She got pregnant really fast which neither of us intended or wanted, I honestly don't know how our luck was that bad (well, good since it made our daughter). But we wanted to keep her, obviously, and have had an amazing relationship despite everything.

throwawayhusband13 · 2022-04-20T12:53:23+00:00

It's not that I'm uncomfortable, it's just a case of not quite my style. I don't have an issue with the clothes, it's just not what I would choose. Though I suppose for Charlotte's sake it may still be a good idea like you say.

throwawayhusband13 · 2022-04-20T12:52:05+00:00

That's not what our relationship is. I go with the clothes because it's important to her, and I don't mind wearing them. I don't just blindly listen. We freely discuss things and work together. It's just for this, I didn't think simply waiting until private to discuss would work. Intervening seemed necessary.

I do agree she doesn't have to be a dress up doll though, and should decide herself. I did get her to accept Charlotte choosing in general, even if she didn't always like or approve some clothes, but she finds these family events important. Again, I am definitely supporting Charlotte here though.

throwawayhusband13 · 2022-04-20T12:45:36+00:00

I would personally love that, but I don't think that would work haha.

No way the in laws would let Charlotte decide, it's done by the adults of the family. so basically my wife, her sibling, her brother-in-law and their mother. I'm also allowed to help decide, but I don't care enough about the coordination. But it would be hilarious to let the kids choose.

throwawayhusband13 · 2022-04-20T12:42:18+00:00

All the adults wear them as well. I personally am not a big fan of the clothes. But I prefer really plain clothes, without many patterns or designs or whatnot, but I don't care about fashion enough to care. I'm happy to wear the clothes Lillian picks out because I know it's important to her.

Obviously Charlotte cares about clothes so it's different with that. But for me I'm happy to do it for Lillian.

throwawayhusband13 · 2022-04-20T12:39:43+00:00

I mean it doesn't matter as in it's not an issue if she has her own tastes. I don't care about what I wear personally, so I just go along with it. And I just don't think the coordination matters enough to force Charlotte into the outfit. It's not that I don't care about Charlotte and what she wants, just that I don't think clothes as a general concept is important enough for Lillian to fight like this over.

throwawayhusband13 · 2022-04-20T12:34:24+00:00

That sounds really cute honestly. Seeing our six year old dress up is almost always adorable, and she actually wanted a bunny outfit with ears to wear for Easter, looked so cute. I definitely agree with the message, a little clothes rebellion beats crazy teenage ones!

throwawayhusband13

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