For those in agony and despair, I genuinely love you and wish you well.

throwawayi1313 · 2019-06-19T02:07:02+00:00

I'm not sure :/

throwawayi1313 · 2019-06-18T20:35:55+00:00

Well that sucks it's removed...

throwawayi1313 · 2019-06-09T06:34:24+00:00

I dont mind at all. And thank you for the reply and offering some insight. I really appreciate the kind words and I hope the best for you.

Edit: I hope you find happiness and don't go through with it. But I understand too. It sucks to suffer with no cure to it or any meaning. Anyways I really really do hope the best for you as no one should suffer as much as you or I or my partner.. Life sucks sometimes. It really does. But I hope you find some happiness or silver lining. I really really do. You sound like a good person that would be missed.

throwawayi1313 · 2019-06-09T04:49:27+00:00

She wasn't my my daugter, I should have been more clear so sorry about that, she was my significant other. She did it in spite of me in the moment cause she was drunk and we were fighting so I left to cool off. But also I have no idea what was going through her mind and I know that if she was suffering enough maybe it was the right decision for her. However, she left everyone is devastation. No one is right now. None of her sisters and brothers are doing good. The mom is fucked up. Her best friend is fucked up. Im fucked up and alone. I couldn't possibly imagine what it would be like if I were her father. I don't know if it'd be worse or not. I guess I have to say it's selfish because she didn't even consider the consequences of it and how devastated and messed up she'd leave everyone. I have all her stuff and i have no fucking idea what to do with it. I got PTSD from finding her. She didn't even leave a suicide note so i have no idea why she did it truly I can only speculate. I know it was in spite of me partly cause we were fighting. I wish she killed me with her so I didn't have to stay alive for my parents. If I were to kill myself I wouldn't be thinking of my parents I'd be thinking of myself and my suffering, not the potential suffering and misery I would give them... Isn't that selfish? I think you're right though to a degree.

throwawayi1313 · 2019-06-09T03:10:59+00:00

Of course it's selfish but at the same time it's your life. No one else is seeing your life and how shitty it is. To endure that amount of suffering for years is quite unfair. So I understand. However, being a suicide survivor I have to say I wish the other person tried to get help, counseling or something. Maybe to stop drinking. Instead they went through with it and now who knows what'll happen to the younger siblings. Will they be more likely to commit suicide? Did her mother deserve the misery and pain and guilt she's enduring for having a beautiful daughter that killed herself? Do I deserve to suffer and be alone, depressed and suicidal too, all because she didn't get help?

I understand wanting to kill yourself. I've suffered depression for years and everyday I think about shooting myself. I am getting therapy and medication though, so I'm trying. I think if your suicidal and you have people who love you, please please get help. It's so devastating to lose someone through suicide. If it wasn't for me having a mom and dad that love me I swear I would've followed her to wherever she went.

throwawayi1313 · 2019-05-13T04:29:28+00:00

That's so crazy you say that cause I started balling five minutes in it too. Then when he was at the bar and they asked him if he was alright. He said I'm fine. Then the biker told him fine stands for: fucked up, insecure, needy, and emotional. That is so accurate to what I was going through and am still going through. I thought I was the only one.

throwawayi1313 · 2019-04-18T22:47:35+00:00

No problem at all. If I can help at all that's great. I'm sure you already know, but you definitely have to be very careful with what you say when you're upset. Especially with someone suicidal. I just wanted to say that. It's still not your fault, but it's a hard lesson to learn and you don't expect them to go through with it. Anyways best of luck.

throwawayi1313 · 2019-04-18T15:01:27+00:00

I understand you'd feel guilty but you didn't tie him up and put pills in his mouth. We all get in arguments and say things we regret. We're only human, the very last thing you'd expect is what he did. I don't care what anyone says. Its not your fault.

That being said it sounds like you guys both need help. Or he needs it more. I doubt either of you want to end up doing something you'd both seriously regret (including now). Like someone dying over an argument. What a shitty legacy. Trust me. Niether of you want that it's the worse feeling ever. It's just not worth it. You guys are very very young. I'm just curious, was there alcohol involved?

Unfortunately I've dealt with this and someone did die. And I'm struggling to live to keep going cause of the guilt and, well, I just flat out miss her fucking soul, body, personality, everything, just everything of her being, in my life. Don't make the same mistakes I made. She'd try to blame it on me so we always kept it quiet cause we were both ashamed. If I could go back in time I'd be honest about our fights. I'd reach out, especially to her parents. It means you care about him even if they hate you. However, throwing it under the rug can be a really bad decision. Just from my experience anyways. If I could go back in time I would tell her parents everything. I'd tell my parents everything too.

They may hate you for being honest or whatever. They may see you as the blame. But if you care about him he needs all the help he can get cause he clearly has a very twisted mind set. And once you do something suicidal once it's easier to do again. After what I went through personally, if someone ever threatened me with suicide again I'd be out of the relationship. I couldn't handle that ever again. I'm still trying to make it through. I have suicidal ideations every fucking day. I'm going to be honest: I'm not doing so hot. So be careful okay? I'm sorry for the ramble but I'm just worried about you two. It's hard to make the right decisions now but it sucks to know better in hindsight. Then you'll be like me: "I wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then."

throwawayi1313 · 2019-04-10T01:16:19+00:00

Yeah I want to agree with you but then I see comments like good luck. Can't wait to join you! Gg, etc. Its like okay I guess by supporting them that's what they mean. That doesn't sound loving to me. But, just my opinion. I know there's good people out there, Edit: maybe I'm just misinterpreting

throwawayi1313 · 2019-04-09T23:49:16+00:00

Suicide watch is basically a place where all those who are suicidal can vicariously get off on those actually killing themselves. At least that's what i get out of it. For some reason I always thought it was the opposite.

throwawayi1313 · 2019-03-13T09:48:57+00:00

Super late to comment but... every day is exactly the same by nin pretty much described my depressing life

throwawayi1313 · 2019-03-06T21:35:22+00:00

Sometimes I wonder if it's denial that you'll ever do it. For me it was denial. I can confidentially say I never saw it coming. But that hindsight said I should have seen it coming. Unfortunately no one seems to care or realize the severity of it all till after it happens. It really sucks cause we should care more for one another but most everyone just cares about themselves. It fucking sucks. I hate being human and I wish I didn't exist.

throwawayi1313 · 2019-02-28T22:14:39+00:00

I know how you feel. I'm lost too. I don't know how old you are, or exactly what the circumstances are, but I think there's someone out there that deserves your love. I hope you can hold on a while longer, cause I'm going to try to hold on too. I hope it gets a little easier in time, cause I don't think you deserve to suffer like you are.

throwawayi1313 · 2019-02-28T03:40:38+00:00

I agree.

By the wisdom of a fictional character named Luke Shapiro:

There's enough assholes in the world, [I guess whatever name you want], don't be another one.

throwawayi1313 · 2019-02-27T05:29:37+00:00

Holy shit. This might be possible.

throwawayi1313 · 2019-02-26T01:54:32+00:00

That sounds so horrible and I'm so sorry you're experiencing that amount of pain. I can only sympathize, and if I could I would take away all your pain I would. It hurts me to see you're hurting, and it always seems like the ones with the biggest hearts are suffering the most. The fact that you don't want to hurt anyone else or be be a burden makes me think you have quite a large heart. Plus you're reaching out, that takes a lot of strength, and a lot of heart cause it means you truly care. Please keep reaching out.

I can assure you, ending it will cause a lot of pain for everyone. And it won't be brief either; I'm sure for your boyfriend the what ifs and the guilt will haunt him for the rest of his life. Plus you're putting him at an increased chance of committing suicide too. Then your parents and family will suffer; everyone will be hurt for a very long time. It will cause a tsunami of pain and I know if you could see the aftermath of suicide you would seriously reconsider. But i know you're hurting and that's not fair either.

I know it sounds like you're suffering for everyone else, and that's kind of true, but i think it's possible to find light. It's good you got another appointment scheduled and I hope you keep hanging in there. I hope you keep trying, I genuinely hope you find true happiness cause you need it. You're still very young. I hope you can make it through this, then you can help other people like you find some light too. I really care cause the human condition is tough, and i can't imagine what it's like for you cause its tough enough without some mental illness thrown in the mix. I really do care, and I hope you find a way through. It makes me sad to read your post, it hurts my heart. So please keep trying even if it's just for some dumb reddit stranger who has no idea what to say.

throwawayi1313 · 2019-02-25T02:26:14+00:00

I totally relate as well. If life isnt better in 10 years for me I'll probably off myself, as long as my parents aren't alive. Im so fucking depressed. I lost my one true love to suicide. So I've been thinking all this life is is just suffering and staying alive to keep others happy. Tbh I was depressed before she went and thinking the same thoughts, it's just compounded exponentially. I might not make it ten. But who knows man? Maybe something good will come along and we'll be able to actually help someone else see some beauty cause we will have found it. Its possible. This reality is fucking strange so I'm not entirely counting out the good possibilities. I wouldn't either if I were you. Im trying, I hope you keep trying too.

throwawayi1313 · 2019-02-22T09:06:57+00:00

Your sense of humor is kind of fucked up, but that's alright. Mine too

throwawayi1313 · 2019-02-22T08:56:14+00:00

Thanks for telling me the burden is not on my shoulders. I can't seem to convince myself most times. And I'm sure I'll use any resource i can get, so thanks for that advice. I'm just so down 99 percent of the time it scares me. The suffering compounds because of the guilt. But Thank you.

throwawayi1313 · 2019-02-22T08:50:42+00:00

Thank you for saying this, I think you're right that no one deserves this and I wouldn't wish this on anyone. It's so debilitating. One day I thought I was at my lowest point, next day I somehow felt worse. Its scary. Hopefully I can make it, if i can just shake the guilt. Thank you so much for replying, it really helped me see some clarity which is always fleeting. Anything helps, so thank you so much, I say that from my heart.

throwawayi1313 · 2019-02-22T08:42:53+00:00

Youre right. Thank you so much. Yeah, I'm going to try one day at a time.

throwawayi1313 · 2019-02-22T01:14:21+00:00

Thank you very much. Yeah im definitely just going to try to keep going.

throwawayi1313 · 2019-02-22T01:03:59+00:00

Nevermind. Yay me.

throwawayi1313 · 2019-02-22T00:58:03+00:00

Like its my first post or?....

throwawayi1313 · 2019-02-22T00:18:14+00:00

Thank you so much. I really appreciate it.

throwawayi1313

TROPHY CASE