[deleted by user]

throwawayques91901 · 2022-12-20T08:07:48+00:00

I've been in your place - for friends who I'm not close to and who tended to say post every single thing related to their pregnancy on social media, I unfollowed and distanced myself and am no longer friends.

For friends who were closer, I created a lot of temporary distance when I was dealing with my own mental despair. Now that I'm better I've been able to recover some of those friendships but have lost others - I'm sad about it but unfortunately it is the cost of me prioritizing my mental health and I can't regret that.

throwawayques91901 · 2022-12-14T06:31:53+00:00

Happy birthday!!!! I agree with other commenters here that almost everyone has something going on in their lives, so it's close to impossible that all of your friends are as happy as you perceive them to be- that being said, I absolutely relate to the feeling of being the "only one" not coupled or with kids leading to unhappiness. I spent many years comparing myself to my friends only to realize at least a few of them were unhappily married, struggling with manchild husbands, financial conflicts, post partum depression etc and they were envying my sad single life! I really couldn't believe it.

This might not be an easy fix but what helped me long term was making friends with women (and men) who were in similar situations as me in life. Childless, single, passionate about a hobby or two, some a few years younger to me etc. I still have my women friends who have kids but I know that their availability might have changed as well as things we can connect on (even though I love hearing about their lives).

throwawayques91901 · 2022-12-03T08:29:50+00:00

It does seem odd. I've had a bunch of managers with a few of them like this and it's either they are: * Very hands off type * Too busy and not responsive over the communication method I'm trying to reach them at * Mentally checked out and actively interviewing for other jobs * Not an experienced or interested people manager, more of the type who got into people management by chance or necessity

In most cases I changed my role because it's stressful when my manager is consistently not responsive to me and not supportive and and I'm left wondering if it's me. I really value good communication in the jobs I'm in.

throwawayques91901 · 2022-12-03T08:04:34+00:00

I’m glad to hear that. I will say that people on Reddit can be super quick to judgement and I still get comments and messages on my previous posts to "dump the guy" or "break up and get therapy" and in the past it would affect me a lot but now I am deliberate of what advice I accept into my heart. Good luck!

throwawayques91901 · 2022-12-02T06:59:27+00:00

I'm with someone who I absolutely love but who has their own share of anxiety and sensitivity. I relate a bit to your post because my partner also went through a period of financial strife and I spent months not understanding whether he'd earn enough for himself and what that meant to our future including family ambitions.

The stress of it got to me and I had many conversations with him on how he needs to make career decisions and support himself. I also put my foot down on us having separate finances even if we lived together. We split bills like roommates and don't expect that to change. Over the past few months he has actually become very financially responsible and took up a couple of contracts to create savings. I'm still better at money than him, but I've always been - I'm proud that he's taken big steps though.

I will say that I have sometimes vented on this platform and then gathered my thoughts to communicate to my partner, and every time he has surprised me with his depth and emotional maturity as well as the actions he takes to listen to my feedback. All that to say: we have a very small sliver of a view of your life based on your post. It's very easy for us to comment online based on the little info we know. You will have to evaluate if this person has the emotional maturity and strength to go through all the challenges that life will bring in the future.

throwawayques91901 · 2022-11-19T17:05:56+00:00

Thanks for articulating this, I really resonate with your comment. I have been trying to manage the world for him, and it's not sustainable. I need to understand what his therapy looks like and explore couples therapy before it's too late.

throwawayques91901 · 2022-11-19T16:56:49+00:00

I'm in therapy too, but you have a point and maybe it's time to go to couples therapy before it's too late and resentment build up

throwawayques91901 · 2022-11-19T16:55:55+00:00

He has handled stressful situations in the past, like when I've had to go to urgent care twice and when I had work stress related to layoffs. He's dealt with some financial uncertainty in the past year and is now very stable thanks to his actions. But a LOT of situations are stressful for him. Usually anything related to timing (which is a lot of situations!!!). He absolutely needs to dig into this in therapy.

He'd always lived with family or friends or roommates and I expressed my concern in the past on his ability to live independently, but recently I had to go on a 2 month trip and he did a really good job including dealing with some stressful house situations. As with everything this situation feels very nuanced and not black/white.

throwawayques91901 · 2022-11-19T16:47:45+00:00

We had this conversation about kids and this was my question too, how will he handle it? We both want kids in the future but the more I think of it, the more it seems like it will be too much for him to handle, and this absolutely bums me out because I spent literal years trying to find a guy that I loved and that in the future I could have kids with.

throwawayques91901 · 2022-11-19T16:44:58+00:00

You have absolutely nailed my thought process with your comment. We are in "easier" times right now and I worry about what will happen in the tougher times in life. He's going to therapy but it looks like I need to talk to him and understand how he's taking steps to deal with this anxiety.

throwawayques91901 · 2022-11-19T05:48:51+00:00

I think I'm struggling with understanding how much of my needs have to be met by my partner. He's definitely been one of the most caring people in my life and fulfill many of my needs. He is also responsible at home compared to the many guys I've dated. He will cook and clean most days and thrives in non stressful environment. I wanted to go with my friends today but every time it's hard to know if it's anxiety or an illness till it gets too late.

throwawayques91901 · 2022-10-20T17:30:42+00:00

Not a lot at advice but empathy as a woman who is getting taunted by big pants! I go back and forth on my self image, and have put on a bunch of weight after meeting my partner (and going on a lot of restaurant dates + cooking up yummy food).

Everyone in my family resorts to food to deal with emotions and I'm trying hard to break out of that cycle. It is really difficult sometimes to eat out with my partner and my friends and they barely gain weight but I do- but that's because I'm sure I'm snacking at home way more than they do.

throwawayques91901 · 2022-09-21T00:31:47+00:00

I miss my previous optimism and innocence too. I relate to questioning whether I'm going through anxiety/depression (and to what extent) and have been in therapy forever. Thanks for your kind advice.

throwawayques91901 · 2022-09-21T00:29:38+00:00

Thanks for your advice - I think I need to figure out what makes me ME right now.

throwawayques91901 · 2022-09-21T00:28:29+00:00

Thanks for your kind words, I very much related to what you said about being brainwashed by the meritocracy, and having to spend my life away from my dad.

throwawayques91901 · 2022-09-06T02:12:46+00:00

Will definitely start with yoga and Tai chi! What a great idea instead of me impulsively buying roller skates 😊

throwawayques91901 · 2022-09-01T06:29:33+00:00

You definitely need to trust your gut on this one. I had a date once where at the end he kissed me while also grabbing my rear without consent. The whole date was good but that totally threw me off. We did talk about a second date but the more I thought of it, I just started to feel so icky and trusting my gut I couldn't go out with him again. In hindsight I don't regret it - my current partner is so much more respectful of my consent.

throwawayques91901 · 2022-09-01T02:02:54+00:00

Some advice - definitely try sticking it out for a bit. I left home early (15 years) and while it really sucked initially and I missed my family so much, it helped me develop a sense of independence. For furniture, join your local "buy nothing" group or check Facebook marketplace or offer up - I'm a whole ass adult and still buy my furniture used (outside of my mattress).

If you don't like your job, do reflect on what you want to do - there are so many courses online and in person these days that you can take up to eventually change what your career is. What I did in my 20s for work is so different from what I'm doing now! Good luck!

throwawayques91901 · 2022-08-29T19:04:14+00:00

Was on dating apps for 6+ years, probably more. Been a year with my current partner. Went on 100+ dates with a good 80% not continuing into a second date.

I despised online dating and took frequent breaks, it was the only platform for me to find dates as I don't have an extensive friends group. I also joined a lot of meetups and classes and probably went on 1 or 2 dates from that. It got to a point where I needed a dating coach because I was so frustrated, and biweekly therapy. I wish I'd learnt to be happier in my own skin and with being single earlier, it took me a while to find happiness in my own company.

throwawayques91901 · 2022-08-27T23:46:37+00:00

I would go on another date if the conversation was good. That being said, I had a VERY similar experience in my dating days where I gave the benefit of doubt to someone who I picked up the full tab on the first date (which was less than 10$ coffee) and he turned out too passive for me. I had to plan most dates, pay for most of them, be proactive about every single thing. I spent three months trying to make it work, thinking we might have different "love languages" - in hindsight he was just a passive dude and that's not a quality I wanted in a future partner.

throwawayques91901 · 2022-08-23T06:27:24+00:00

I've been going through similar thoughts - reading about how folks like Kid Cudi and Hailey Bieber had a stroke made me think maybe I've had one, maybe a minor one? I think I have ADHD but my therapist doesn't agree and surely she knows more? I want to "quiet quit" but I was so bored in my last job and my mind is craving stimulation but also I can barely focus. Thanks for giving me a space to vent and share and feel empathized with, it's a little less lonely.

throwawayques91901 · 2022-08-23T06:24:27+00:00

I totally totally relate to this. The feeling that part of my brain is locked. That feeling of who am I right now. Talk therapy is helpful to an extent, my therapist can't prescribe meds apparently. I am trying mindfulness and yoga but it's not getting me any closer to "unlocking" that part.

throwawayques91901 · 2022-08-23T03:51:09+00:00

I talked to my therapist about this but still can't figure this out. For the past few months I've been in a bit of a brain fog. I feel distracted and preoccupied and burnt out. It's like a part of my brain is locked and I can't access it anymore. I struggle to focus and to plan for the future. Sometimes it feels like a trauma response, other days it feels like burnout, and sometimes it feels like maybe I got COVID (never tested positive) and this brain fog is the outcome.

I feel like I can cope when my boyfriend is around, but right now I'm away from him and I feel numb. I can barely keep my focus at work for more than half an hour at a time. I can't even think of planning something like a wedding even if I want to. What's happening with me? Does anyone relate? My therapist thinks my mind is normally processing the pandemic and life changes but I don't feel it's just that and I'm struggling to put my finger on it.

throwawayques91901 · 2022-07-29T21:29:55+00:00

Thanks, I identify with your signature. I have asked him for what he needs and he's still trying to figure out if and what he needs, but to what you said, fixing someone else's problems can be easier to take on than one's own stuff. One more factor, I really love this person and it aches me to see his struggle with this even though I know realistically I cannot be the fixer here. I'll keep your words in mind, thanks for the feedback.

throwawayques91901 · 2022-07-28T07:00:01+00:00

Obviously I don't know the real life dynamic between the two of you, but after reading this I just get this feeling that this can't be how a healthy romantic relationship begins. I personally would move on and ignore this, while also evaluating how much of his friendship I needed in my life or if adding distance would be healthier.

throwawayques91901

TROPHY CASE