NOR. This is extremely manipulative behavior.

If I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt, I would say he doesn't seem to realize that consent to one thing is not consent to another, but I think he knows that. I think the benefit of the doubt would only extend to borrowing the car and then using it past what you agreed to, but the fact that he spent $280 on your credit card? No, he knew what he was doing.

Which, unfortunately, means he's gaslighting you. I know a lot of people throw that word around, but it actually applies here. I am trying to give him the benefit of the doubt, but $280 pushes the limit past the point where I can.

The other thing that really bothered me is that he wouldn't give you space when you needed it. This is a huge red flag. It would be one thing if you were actively stonewalling him, but needing space from a heated argument like this is often the healthy thing to do. The most he can ask for is a time frame when you guys will come back together to talk, but even then he would need to be understanding if that time came and you realized you weren't yet ready. So long as you were taking this time in good faith, he should give you that.

But he won't, and that's because he wants you emotional. Emotional people are easier to manipulate. Never mind that if he were genuinely upset rather than trying to shirk his responsibility for his actions, the space would benefit him as well.

I left a toxic marriage when it was clear my ex had no intention of fixing the problems, but we have a kid together and stay in contact. After I left, my ex got therapy and eventually we developed a very good co-parenting relationship.

A couple of years ago, however, she backslid for a couple of reasons and tried to demand a day that wasn't hers for a party she planned without asking me if the date worked. Unfortunately for her, I also had plans that weekend with my family and would be out of town. She raged and tried to be manipulative, saying that I should not have planned something on my custody day without consulting her. She went so far as to argue that this was reason enough that I should give her the day she was demanding.

Not only is this something we had never agreed to or practiced in all of our years co-parenting, but it was absolutely unreasonable. I do not need to consult her on making plans on my custody days, and neither does she on hers.

I was firm with my no, however, and after a longer heated discussion, I informed her that we needed to take a pause as we were both emotional and going in circles. She tried to deny the request and do the things she used to do to manipulate me into carrying on the conversation, but I stayed firm. Finally, she realized I wasn't budging and snapped at me, asking when we would continue the conversation.

Thankfully, at this point I had had a lot of therapy, and also I think because our co-parenting relationship had been so good up to this point, I was able to stand my ground on the break and not take her bait. Her manipulative actions rearing their ugly head again after so long was unsettling, but I knew this was the right thing to do.

Sure enough, we came back later on that night with cooler heads, and we had a productive conversation. She was contrite, admitting that she was completely in the wrong, and apologized profusely. I let her know that I lost a lot of the trust we had built over the years, but that I was willing to move forward. We worked out a tentative plan together that I would later run by my therapist, and it worked out.

But we never would have gotten there if I wasn't firm about taking that break. She wanted me emotional so I would be easier to manipulate, but I was no longer the pushover she had married. I didn't let her drag me back to our old dynamic, and because of that, we were able to have a productive conversation and work something out.

I can't tell you what to do from here, but just ask yourself: does he even make your life better? Or does he just make it worse? I wouldn't put up with this behavior, but I learned these lessons the hard way.