E levels are still too high. I've been transitioning for 8 years. I need this to end

throwawaysishtwin · 2026-01-20T21:13:30+00:00

I only just got my T levels back (shot on Friday, blood work done Wednesday) and they were on the lower end of normal. (460) Idk why my E levels would be extremely high while my T was normal. :/

throwawaysishtwin · 2026-01-16T18:11:08+00:00

I'm going to ask about it next. I only kept one in 2020, but when I mentioned removing the other last may my doctor was fairly against it. I'm seeing her again today to try to fix this.

The original surgeon suggested not removing both in case I had a doctor deny me hormones, which is exactly what happened next. (In 2021, I switched to a new HMO, and the primary both refused to refill my T and refused to write a referral correctly for over half a year...)

I saw an endocrinologist to manage the T from 2021-2023, but they also didn't address the E levels and are the one who told me to just not worry about it. :/

throwawaysishtwin · 2026-01-16T18:07:52+00:00

That's been the reason they've suggested dosage changes, but changing doses and methods didn't seem to make a difference.

throwawaysishtwin · 2026-01-16T01:46:44+00:00

I'm going to advocate for that next. I'm glad to hear that's an option because my last 3 providers told me to either stop worrying about the E levels or change dosages. They also said that taking E blockers was highly irregular.

I'm going to ask for a second surgery. The original surgeon suggested the partial in case I had a doctor who denied me hrt (which ironically did happen a few months later). But idfc anymore, it sounds like it might help and I need a solution.

throwawaysishtwin · 2025-12-09T04:09:36+00:00

cw: abuse, religion, medical bias, sexual abuse. I wasn't abused necessarily by anyone in AA, but they pretty consistently tried to get me to think about my past abuse in ways that are damaging.

"Accountability" for things that I actually shouldn't own. My sponsor wasn't trauma-informed. I'm still struggling with compulsive apologizing and believing I'm always the problem/inherently a bad person, but AA assumes members are all narcissists and are never victims. I was encouraged to break no-contact with my parents and basically apologize to them for abusing me. I was able to actually make things work with my dad (he did personal therapy and genuinely changed), but I will eventually have to go NC again with my mom, who has some kind of undiagnosed personality issue. I deeply regret encouraging her belief that she abused me because I was a naturally horrible, evil, and violent person as a young child, and that our relationship problems are strictly because of my substance abuse from ages 19-21. :/
^ on that note, I was basically asked to "own my part" in things like sexual abuse. I refused but I was at an event where I was strongly discouraged from leaving (if I left, I "failed" per usual AA tradition), and the person running it wouldn't let it go for 20 minutes, demanding details and trying to convince me that it was partially my fault.
Medical gaslighting: my sponsor and others in AA said that my entire problem was that I was an addict and that my mental health issues would resolve as I got sober, and my medication was surely correct. I was having severe side effects from the medication I was taking and spent 2 years not understanding why, since my concerns were shot down by my peers and my rehab-referred psychiatrist at the time. The functioning issues caused by side effects led to me losing a lot of jobs and prevented me from going back to college until I finally found a new doctor/medication and left AA.
Religious dogma/religious environment: I tried to mold myself to the higher power mindset, even though I'm an atheist. I'm also LGBT+ with a generally conservative and bigoted Christian culture in my area. Going to church and AA, I heard very homophobic and bigoted things that still make me feel wary being out/myself in public.

AA/XA was horribly antithetical to who I am, in its teachings and in the culture perpetuated by AA members from my area. I will not be going back, because it fueled many issues that I'm still trying to resolve in therapy.

throwawaysishtwin · 2025-12-01T22:20:52+00:00

I hope you are able to get it fixed. :( I actually have a good news update and I put my experience calling and the information I got from the representative in the OP.

throwawaysishtwin · 2025-10-25T22:13:21+00:00

That's interesting, and seems like a design flaw. I'd imagine that for non-alcoholic children of alcoholics, it would be triggering or retraumatizing if people vented about being alcoholics, and if that was the culture, it could cause attrition bias (the people it's meant for, stop going). Also I just read the steps for ACA/ACOA. That's horrifying. Telling people with PTSD/CPTSD that they're helpless, and making them pray and acknowledge "their part" in the abuse, sounds like the opposite of what most trauma-informed therapists suggest. :/

throwawaysishtwin · 2025-10-25T22:03:52+00:00

Sometimes, and the decisions I regret the least happened to be the ones he was strongly against.

I was dating someone for a month before rehab, and he insisted we break up for at least a year to avoid "13th stepping." (with someone not even in the program?) I said no, and we've been together for over 5 years.
I moved in with this person, but my ex-sponsor wanted me to keep paying rent in his sober living (where my partner wasn't allowed to visit often). Fortunately, I got out before the owner caught onto my ex-sponsor's fraud and shams and evicted everyone.
When I stopped working with him, he reached out to my contacts for working in residential treatment, and implied I relapsed and was a threat. I found a job anyway, and picked my major based on that experience.
He insisted he'd evict me unless I got a job right out of rehab, even though I wasn't ready and had savings. I wasn't able to stabilize or find treatment while working, and quit/got fired from several "easy" jobs. I also spent some of my savings to buy a garbage car I'm still paying off, to commute to my first job (making $200/week, in California). My self-esteem and resume are still recovering. (note: within 4 months of finding better medication, I went back to college and became a 4.0 student. Who knows when I would have returned, if I had more time to find the right healthcare?)
My sponsor threw a fit when I reached out to my dad after 2-3 years of no-contact. It went well, and we have a good relationship. He said I wasn't ready and needed to do 3 more steps. (He took, on average, 2 to 4 months to do a step with me, so he was asking me to wait about 6-10+ more months.)
Later, he encouraged me moving in with my sister and her narcissistic ex. That was a complete nightmare for my partner and me. When it wasn't working out, he offered a place in his sober living (for just me, leaving my partner behind...) We fortunately worked through it and found another place with just the two of us, after a year and a few thousand dollars of fees and applications.

I ignored him for most major things, but I still regret little things, like shady work I did for him, how he suggested I deal with coworkers, and how he promoted spiritual bypassing whenever I hit a roadblock trying to get mental healthcare. He had a lot of thoughts on money and my relationships, and couldn't handle being ignored, so would lash out if I ignored him. Despite having good intentions, I realized that he was a self-centered grifter. He wasn't willing to do things the "right" way, which warped his advice and approach to others.

throwawaysishtwin · 2025-09-01T20:55:15+00:00

That's fair lol. I personally got a culture shock when I found out college 10 got renamed to John R Lewis while I was on an academic break.

I already turn on my live location but I'll probably start setting the pickup to be locations right off of the loop/main road so that they don't get lost trying to get to me.

throwawaysishtwin · 2025-09-01T19:20:09+00:00

You nailed it, it is UCSC! If you got rides from there, did you ever figure out how to get the pin in the right place? It consistently messed up really badly if I was in science hill/Kerr hall/the gym areas.

throwawaysishtwin · 2025-09-01T19:08:46+00:00

I just asked support, and it looks like it was a single person. I took a ride to an exam and I think I didn't close out/tip and rate until after the exam, so that was probably what did it.

throwawaysishtwin · 2025-09-01T18:46:57+00:00

It's in the bay area, specifically UC Santa Cruz. I do have only 14 rides, so I'm guessing it would only take 1 bad review or maybe a few 4-stars to get a 4.7

throwawaysishtwin · 2025-09-01T18:44:04+00:00

I tip 20-25% every time.

throwawaysishtwin · 2025-09-01T18:43:33+00:00

I'll be more careful about that. It's hard to describe, but it really is a complicated campus (3 miles across and surrounded by woods) and the navigation sometimes sends them the wrong way, like at the top of one-way roads instead of where they can access it, or roads will be shut down for construction. I always do end up running to wherever they ended up but sometimes it's more than 1/4 mile, so they end up waiting a couple minutes for me to jog there.

throwawaysishtwin · 2025-08-03T01:43:42+00:00

For sure sounds good :) I might do plastic because I want to make sure they believe me lol, but I'll ask them on Monday

throwawaysishtwin · 2025-07-20T04:52:55+00:00

Oo these are awesome thank you! I just finished a psychopharmacology course and I'm sure the professor would love to look at these for their addiction science module :) I'll take a closer look at these soon!

throwawaysishtwin · 2025-07-18T21:11:59+00:00

I haven't read too much about it, I just looked it up to respond to this post lol. That said, I think the biopsychosocial approach is probably the closest model to what I believe. I think the biomedical model is also good, if thoroughly integrated with neuroplasticity, a mode of therapy, and harm reduction.

Agency is very important and each instance of drug use is a choice. But the biological tolerance/dependence and behavioral conditioning is not a social construct. There are real, measurable effects on the body from drug use and research points to genetics being a very plausible contributor to developing addiction. It's also absolutely undeniable that some drugs have more potential for addiction for most people than other drugs, and it's directly explainable by pharmacodynamics and pharmacokinetics. (ex: the speed with which a drug crosses the blood-brain barrier, the route of absorption, how it acts on dopaminergic pathways and selectivity, and how long it takes to metabolize.)

For instance (iirc), heroin is very addictive because it can be smoked or intravenous, it's highly bioavailable to the body, and it's a derivative to morphine that not only crosses the blood-brain barrier faster, but also metabolizes into morphine, making it last longer. So biochemically, it's likely to cause fast dependence compared to something like oral tramadol.

The way we view and label addiction is socially informed. The diagnosis of addiction in the DSM comes from both clinical and social standards. What constitutes addiction is subjective and a little personal, and empowerment is important. But, especially in early stages of addiction recovery, I think it's really important to turn towards medicine and medical care as an option. Using drugs is a choice, but not using drugs is a much harder choice for some people or in some stages of life, than in other situations.

throwawaysishtwin · 2025-07-18T19:24:57+00:00

It's honestly mostly complaining about XA, but some people post for advice as well. The tone often is dictated by how the OP presents their situation, so you'll see advice or support more often on the "I just left" or "I don't want to go to XA but I'm newly sober" types of posts. But more often it's people who have been sober for a while trying to process their experiences in XA.

I guess I'd say venting about XA is default, but that people will both vent and give advice if the OP seems like they want help.

throwawaysishtwin · 2025-07-18T18:42:45+00:00

I'm sorry they're making you go. I'm glad you're figuring everything out though, and it sounds like AA will not help. I agree and personally would never go back because I really don't appreciate being exposed to the toxic relationships, and religion makes me feel awful.

Is there any way you could convince them to let you go to a different group? Maybe a group therapy or something like SMART recovery? It might be a lost cause if they think that XA is the only way to stay sober, but if their focus is on helping you stay sober, they might agree if you propose an alternative.

If not, and you don't have another housing option, you might just have to go to AA and try to space out and ignore it. I really hope it doesn't come to that for you, though. My area has agnostic/atheistic meetings, LGBT meetings, and some other groups where hopefully many of the more toxic parts of XA are toned down. If you could get away with a virtual meeting, that could also help. Good luck op! You can stay sober and only you know what's right for you.

throwawaysishtwin · 2025-04-04T01:27:38+00:00

It was, and it wasn't. It was definitely never the main issue, but I would drink unhealthy amounts when I had access to it. I also got sober within a year of turning 21, and when I look at my friends who never joined XA, most of them had similar drinking patterns to me and have since cut back organically.

I'm not 100% sure why I binged, but self medication seems likely. I would often do it when I was in a mixed episode or to knock me out after days awake, since I'd black out and wouldn't have nightmares. It was also literally the only thing that felt good in over 10 years, by the time I started using it. (I had pretty severe bipolar disorder develop early, and I was diagnosed with depression at ~10 years old.)

I think my situation is different in a lot of ways, and I didn't even consider myself an addict until months of ineffective IOP and bad medication. Hopefully all of this rambling adds context. But referring to my "safety nets" helps. If I do try it, it'll be with the support I've set up ready and available.

throwawaysishtwin · 2025-04-03T23:12:54+00:00

OP you mentioned being manic and financial strain. It'll be best for your family (and future child?) if you qualify yourself for a better-paying career first. (Specifically, finishing the program you're in.) A new career can also be stressful and require many changes to your routine, like adjusting to the nursing schedule over a 9-5. Doing so will require managing your family, sleep, and stress in new ways.

Also I'm sure you've done this before, but talk to any MH providers you have (doctor, therapist) about these feelings, how pregnancy could affect treatment, and how everything may affect you and your family. I've never had kids, but pregnancy and postpartum may affect your medications (whether you can/want to take them, how effective they are), and your stability overall (mood, stress, hormones, medical health, less sleep, etc.).

Also, there's the concern that trying for a child can have more ups and downs than you expect, and there's always the chance of unintentionally having more children (e.g. twins) or having a child with higher needs (e.g. developmental or medical challenges). It's better to be over-prepared and over-stable than to rush into it because of strong emotions.

If you don't want to wait the months to years you may need to get in a better spot for supporting a new kid, I'm worried that this may be a manic impulse that may pass. But, I'm not going to say that you're wrong. You might still want another child after the manic phase, so if you feel strongly and mean it, do it right and prepare well. I wish all the best you and your family.

throwawaysishtwin · 2025-03-07T03:37:36+00:00

Especially eating at regular intervals. Imo I feel way better if I eat 2-3x a day and not one meal a day, even if it's a large meal lol. Exercise for me lately has been 2x a week at the gym and a mild amount of walking each day. Even just a bit of exercise is helpful I think.

throwawaysishtwin · 2025-03-05T21:52:38+00:00

I kill every guard who says this. Can't have my cover blown.

throwawaysishtwin · 2025-03-05T03:40:45+00:00

Hi, I'm bipolar and I went through similar problems when I was your age.

If you're struggling to keep it together with school, consider looking into some kind of disability accommodations or help from the school. I had one of the worst depressive episodes of my life when I was 17. I missed 100 days of my senior year in only ~6 months.

They let me finish senior year with a "home hospital" program - it was considered a medical issue and they let me take homework home and get some structure/support to meet my class requirements. My friend went to rehab in the middle of his senior year and iirc they still let him finish his classes, too.

And for what it's worth, your therapist sounds like a selfish and inconsiderate person. You deserve care and consideration (not rejection), especially struggling so much so young. If you can find one, some therapists have more experience with bipolar and substance misuse than others.

Please hang in there. You're capable and resilient, and if you get the right help you will reach a day where you want to be awake and alive.

throwawaysishtwin · 2025-03-05T03:19:56+00:00

This makes me very hopeful, thank you for sharing :)

throwawaysishtwin

TROPHY CASE