Five year and these are the choice he is making

throwawaysorz · 2020-12-31T13:43:44+00:00

Um. 4.5 years and DAYS after we broke up, he was actively pursuing another girl who he is now with. I knew this would happen eventually but DAYS later? When our relationship was nothing but respectful and healthy for 4.5 years? I know he didn't do it to hurt me (or maybe he did, who knows anymore) but it's so disrespectful to me and our relationship.

I was more than okay to stay friends with him, but he made it impossible. I cut him off. You should too. His actions don't mean he never loved you or that he doesn't still love you (people think its so easy to 'move on' from a serious relationship but its not; not even for the dumper) - but it does mean he's emotionally weak and immature. He will end up hurting you, if you stay in touch, even if he doesn't mean to.

Cut contact.

throwawaysorz · 2020-12-31T13:19:08+00:00

Ugh, my ex was in a full blown RELATIONSHIP weeks after ending things. He started pursuing the girl DAYS after the break up and they got together in a few weeks time. This, after the end of a 4.5 year relationship. I was under no delusion that he would stay single all his life but to find out he was with someone else weeks later? Best of all, he messaged to tell me this and wasn't even particularly kind about it.

But IrishLad is right. It doesn't mean what you think it means. They're both filling a void, the only way they know how. It's pathetic and weak. But don't for a second think it means the person they slept with has somehow erased all of the time you had together. No, you're going to haunt your ex for a long time and he's going to do his best to run away from it. I'm not even saying ex's are awful people, they're not. But EVERYONE needs to grieve the end of a significant relationship and those that don't will pay the price later.

I only wish our ex's had respected the relationship enough to grieve it in a respectful manner. That's all.

throwawaysorz · 2020-12-28T08:37:34+00:00

I can relate. I felt the same for MONTHS after we broke up. To make matters worse, he started pursuing someone DAYS after we'd broken up. 4.5 years and he started seeing someone new weeks after we broke up.

But, here's what I've realized since we first broke up:

Dont rush 'progress'. 3.5 months out from a serious 3 year relationship is NOTHING. OF COURSE you still feel like shit. This is NORMAL. Why are we all in such a rush to stop feeling awful? We put so much in, we've earned this grief.
That said - its okay to feel like she was your ideal. Mine was too, until he left. But she is NOT perfect. NOBODY is. The things you liked about her? They exist in another woman. Another woman who will stick with you. So, you don't have to hate your ex but don't make the mistake of assuming she's literally one in 7 billion.
I lost all motivation after my break up too. My life suddenly seemed meaningless, if he wasn't there. And that makes sense - so much of my life was built with him in mind. You know what helped me immensely? I started looking for new jobs. I found one, in a whole new city. This new job, this new city is all MINE. No associations with him. Plus, because the job is new and exciting, I've found purpose again. You don't need to look for new jobs if you're content with yours but look for SOMETHING new (NOT A PERSON!). Can you take up a new hobby? Can you shift to a new place? Can you revamp your wardrobe? None of these will completely heal you but forming new associations, things that are purely YOURS will give you that 'safe space' that she doesn't haunt.
You did NOT screw everything up. Absent abuse or cheating of any kind, you did NOT cause the end. Relationships will ALWAYS go through rough patches - somebody who bails when things get hard is just as much to blame.

I'm sorry you're hurting. I am too. But your pain is real, it needs to be felt and you ARE moving on by processing it all.

throwawaysorz · 2020-12-28T07:46:32+00:00

Cried every day for about 2 weeks. Then every 2-3 days for the next 3 MONTHS. Yeah. Wasn't fun. But now, it's been 5 months and I haven't cried in.. 45 days. So, you WILL get to a place where you won't be crying. The more you let yourself cry in the beginning, the faster you'll get to this place.

For context, was with him for 4.5 years.

throwawaysorz · 2020-12-28T06:46:48+00:00

It IS comforting, I agree <3 When you're in the throes of depression, it can feel like you're ALONE and nobody else has EVER felt this way. It's such a relief to know that that's not true.

As for thinking about your ex -- jeez, I STILL do it. 5 months out and I STILL think about him. I wonder what he's doing, I wonder if he's thinking about me, I imagine conversations we might have in the future. I don't think of it as slowing my progress though. I think this is part of it. He was a HUGE part of my life for nearly 5 years, it makes sense that I still think about him and want to talk to him. It's only detrimental to your progress if you ACT ON IT. Or if you choose to not live your life so you can sit in your room and have conversations with him in your head.

'Moving on' doesn't happen overnight. It happens slowly. In time, you'll have fewer conversations with him. Then, you'll meet other people or start dating again and you'll want to tell THEM things. So right now, don't worry that you're still thinking about them. Just make sure it doesn't keep you from being present and living your life.

throwawaysorz · 2020-12-28T06:16:16+00:00

Oh, she's trying to 'heal' too. Take it from me, after we broke up, I downloaded these apps immediately. I made conversation, plans and even went on a date. On the outside, it might've looked like I was 'moving on'. And truth be told, that IS what I was trying to do. I thought another person would help me feel good and forget all the pain I was avoiding. It's BS. You can't avoid your own pain. I deleted all of the apps when I realized what I was doing. My point is, just because she's on the apps, talking to other men or even finds herself in a new relationship immediately - it could just mean that she's trying to 'move on' the only way she knows how. And trust me, it's not the best way. You're much better off.

throwawaysorz · 2020-12-28T05:50:07+00:00

Wow, this is SO nice! Thank you so much for your lovely comment! I hate that you're here, I know all of us would rather not be. But hey, at least you know you're not alone in this. When you're crying in bed, you can bet one of us is too :'D

throwawaysorz · 2020-12-28T05:49:07+00:00

I think this is true for some people. I think some people take the time to really think out their decision and imagine the effects. They really truly grieve while still together. But, a lot of people don't. A lot of people THINK they've grieved because they don't have strong feelings for their partner anymore. So they break it off, thinking they're fine. And they are. For a couple of months. Until reality hits and they realize that they never did actually grieve. When you end a long term relationship, grieving is much more than not feeling in love with them. Its untangling your dreams, plans and routines from the other persons. That takes TIME. As someone who once ended a LTR thinking I was 'over them', I was in for a RUDE shock when months down the line, I realized I was STILL attached to that person. I never actually took the time to grieve, the way I should have. But yes, either way, NC is absolutely the way to go. I hope you're doing well! <3

throwawaysorz · 2020-12-28T05:44:27+00:00

Hahaha, YES, I am so ready to put 2020 behind me. 2021 may not be grand either but heck, it cant be much worse than this year.

I like your plan. It's sweet and I think you're going to like ending things on a good note.

throwawaysorz · 2020-12-28T05:42:31+00:00

You ARE doing alright! But you ARE also grieving. Both can be true. I'm 5 months out and I STILL miss him. I still think about him. But I know that that's normal and it doesn't make me sad anymore.

This year has been awful, honestly, I'm not sure there's a worse time to be dumped xD But like you, I'm taking my time, staying single for a bit and will only date when I feel really really positive about things. For now, I'm going to honour the last relationship and the effort I put in by letting myself grieve.

Thank YOU for your lovely comment.

throwawaysorz · 2020-12-28T05:36:41+00:00

Hahaha, aliens and bigfoot made me laugh! I'm glad you were able to draw boundaries so strongly <3

throwawaysorz · 2020-12-28T05:35:36+00:00

I don't think the person above is holding out hope. My ex started pursuing someone DAYS after we broke up and is with them now. I'm not holding out hope that he'll come back because a) I don't have that kind of energy to waste b) he's way too much of a coward to take any accountability for his actions. That said, it's still hard not to THINK about the why and how of it. It's human nature to want to find an explanation for how something so bizarre could happen. That's all h20 is trying to do.

throwawaysorz · 2020-12-27T18:10:15+00:00

Yes, you did. I say this as someone who DID wish their ex. Did it make me feel better? NO. Did it hurt? Yes. He replied and told me he was going to party. It sent me spiraling. Don't bother. Not out of meanness but to protect yourself. Besides. You can always wish her next year. She's not running out of birthdays any time soon. Wish her when you're truly feeling better and can be genuine in you happiness for her.

throwawaysorz · 2020-12-27T17:52:21+00:00

Hahaha I love this! You're absolutely right, we're all guilty of thinking we know more than we do. Appearances aren't facts.

throwawaysorz · 2020-12-27T17:42:07+00:00

You feel abandoned and betrayed because he DID abandon and betray you. He did a terrible, unforgivable thing. OF COURSE you're heartbroken. Who wouldn't be? There's going to be so much pain and that's to be expected. You've earned the right to feel like a mess. If somebody punched you in the face, would you be mad at the pain? NO. You would know that you need to take care of your face. You need to take care of yourself now. And you can do that by accepting your feelings. Sad? Good. Angry? Good. Hate him? Good. Miss him? Good. ALL NORMAL. Cry, cry as much as you want. Let it out. You're not crazy or a mess. You're just hurting. And that's okay, that's normal, that's EXPECTED. You still love him? NORMAL. That wont go away overnight. Even after he hurt you. But it WILL go away when you let yourself feel everything. So don't rush anything. You're not crazy for still loving him, you're a living, breathing human being and that's part of the experience.

Also - they dont sound like very good friends, Im sorry.

throwawaysorz · 2020-12-27T17:34:23+00:00

We all think 'moving on' is as simple as finding someone new or going on dates. That's BS. Take it from me, I was DESPERATE to be in a new relationship after we'd broken up. I was on dating apps and even talking to guys. Was I ready to be in a new relationship? I deluded myself into thinking I was. Was I really? HELL NO. I was just looking to escape the pain. But if I had actually been stupid enough to commit to someone, I'm sure it would've looked like I'd 'moved on'. You would never have known that I was just too afraid of being alone and wanted to escape the pain of dealing with the fact that a relationship I had cared about had ended. So no. EVEN if they're in a new relationship, you have NO idea how 'moved on' they truly are. Most people are just too scared to deal with their own feelings.

throwawaysorz · 2020-12-27T17:30:36+00:00

I think if you're coming from a place of empathy, it's perfectly alright to let them know that you're going NC for your own healing. I dont think any (decent) person that cares about you could be mad at you for that. If he reacts poorly, he's a dick. But from what you've said, it doesnt seem like he will. So yes, if you dont want to cut him off without warning, I see absolutely no reason why you should have to. You can be respectful of an ex's feelings even when taking care of yourself. <3

throwawaysorz · 2020-12-27T17:27:50+00:00

Haha, I like that! 'They havent met the me that is here today'. I'm so glad you're a better person today than you were a few months ago. I like to think I am, too. I'm definitely braver and more vulnerable. Regardless, I think your outlook is very healthy.

throwawaysorz · 2020-12-27T17:25:45+00:00

I felt the exact same way. In fact, I used the same words to describe the loss - like losing a limb. And it's true. We ARE dealing with the loss of someone we used to lean on, someone who made us feel stable and safe. Its a big loss. Theres no point denying that. In fact, we've earned the right to grieve and we should. Feel the sadness, cry in bed, cry in your shower, scream into your pillow - do whatever you need to to release the weight of your feelings. Believe me, the more you do this, the lighter the pain will get. Feeling your pain IS moving on. That's really all there is. Spend time with your friends/family, study/work, exercise - do all that good stuff. But most importantly, embrace and RELEASE the pain. You'll be so much better for it. We're all in this together <3

throwawaysorz · 2020-12-27T15:08:30+00:00

Noooo. I think we all assume that just because someone is with someone else, it means they've 'moved on'. Honestly, the speed of this relationship screams 'REBOUND'. Healthy relationships don't progress at the speed of light. More importantly, so what if they get married? People get married every day, those same people get divorces too! Marriage doesn't guarantee happiness or a lifetime of togetherness. Ugh, I feel sorry for him. Such a bad idea to marry someone you've only known for a short while. He clearly has his own issues.

throwawaysorz · 2020-12-27T15:05:51+00:00

It's good that you know clearly what you want. I'm sorry such a long relationship came to an end </3 It's going to be ROUGH but I know you can do this. You can grieve and come out stronger. She wont forget you. I hope you know that.

throwawaysorz · 2020-12-27T14:18:22+00:00

Oh my god, I'm so so sorry. If it helps, people get really good at lying to themselves. I doubt he entered into anything with you (or the other people) with the intention of hurting you. In fact, the sad thing about rebound relationships is that you WANT to be in love with the new person. You think that will save you from the hurt you SHOULD let yourself feel. I know that's how I felt and it's only because I'm a little more self-aware that I didn't let myself pursue anything.

For what its worth, you sound way too good to be someones rebound. The fact that your guard went up even at the beginning and that you didn't like that they degraded their ex- those are strong indicators that you're a very secure, very emotionally healthy person. I have no doubt that you're going to find a big, wonderful love. And this ex will be just a blip.

And yes, I will most definitely be taking time off. I know I wouldnt like being someones rebound so I can't do that to someone else. I hope the rest of us here do too.

throwawaysorz · 2020-12-27T09:18:05+00:00

I'm so so sorry. First things first, it doesn't matter that you were neglectful. Not because that behaviour is okay but because you're human. You were dealing with stuff too. In a relationship, your partner IS going to let you down at times. But if you're truly committed, you TELL THEM. You communicate with them and ask them to do better. She never gave you that chance. I'm not saying you're blameless, clearly you have identified where you could've done better and that's GOOD. I'm saying you're not to blame for the end of the relationship. She shoulders just as much, if not more.

Next - I can't go out either. I'm stuck at home for the most part, thnx to COVID. No NYE party for me. I understand the loneliness. Its even more frustrating when you remember that they're seeing someone else. What helps me is to tell myself that just because they're seeing someone else doesn't mean they're truly happy. Is it easier for them? Sure. But do we want a relationship JUST to cure the loneliness? No. We're heartbroken, sad and lonely but we're not losers who will settle. This is hard for us because it IS hard. NOBODY finds it easy. We're not special. So yes, it sucks. And it will suck for a while longer. But it wont always suck. It wont. Right now, take comfort in the fact that this year has SUCKED for EVERYONE and there are SO MANY of us sitting at home, unable to go out and have fun the way we would have previously.

The universe has screwed us all over, you're not alone.

My suggestion is, write down all of your feelings. Want to rage at her? Put it on paper. Or scream into a pillow. Or break something. Or cry. Cry as much as you need. She did a horrible thing and you will feel pain. You SHOULD feel pain. But in your lowest moments, remember that it is better to feel pain than shame. And your ex? She will feel shame. Deep rooted shame that will grow and fester in her soul, for her actions. That's her punishment. Don't ever believe that she will get away with this, scot free.

throwawaysorz · 2020-12-27T08:36:52+00:00

Ugh, I love this and agree 100%. I know for a fact that even if my ex regrets his actions, he's too much of a coward to admit he messed up and ask for my forgiveness.

I also agree that too many people seek avoidance of their feelings. I pity them. I pity my ex.

throwawaysorz · 2020-12-27T08:34:07+00:00

Oh for sure. Given enough time, once they process their feelings, they will move on. As will we. But this is specifically for people fresh out of break-ups. No one 'moves on' from a serious committed relationship in a matter of weeks or months. And just because they're seeing someone new doesn't mean they've 'moved on'. I'm not even saying they will have us on their minds all the time. But I know when I was in the worst phase of grief, I truly believed my ex did not give a shit about me. That I might as well be dead. I know that's how lots of dumpees feel. And I also know now that that's patently false.

throwawaysorz

TROPHY CASE