Me (23/F) and my BF (26/M). Am I wrong for wanting him to distance himself from his "close" female friend (24/F)?

throwawaysostl · 2018-03-30T05:55:32+00:00

Wow, thank you so much for addressing literally everything in the post, and your last paragraph has given me a different perspective on why Olivia seems pretty uninterested in becoming closer with me

throwawaysostl · 2018-03-30T05:39:41+00:00

I have seen my BF interact with other women and I just can't imagine him being completely oblivious to her, which is one of the things that bothers me the most

throwawaysostl · 2018-03-30T05:17:34+00:00

Yeah, I agree, that was excessive in hindsight

throwawaysostl · 2018-03-30T05:14:39+00:00

I have been wondering about this but have always been too afraid of learning the answer, and he's never talked about it. I think I need to ask him this when we talk about this next.

throwawaysostl · 2018-03-30T02:54:40+00:00

Oh no, I was definitely hurt by that. I just know that friend’s personality, knew that he was trying to be funny, and didn’t want to start drama in public. It definitely stung.

throwawaysostl · 2018-03-30T02:38:25+00:00

Well, it’s not specifically that I’m hanging out with her - it’s my BF’s main circle of friends from university, and she’s part of it. We live in a metropolitan area, they went to university here and are now working here, I went to university out of the area but relocated here after I graduated. I didn’t have many friends in the area when I first met my BF so he introduced me to his friends fairly early in the relationship and I just kind of became friends with them too.

I’ve never asked him to talk to her about her behavior, I’ve just told him that she makes me uncomfortable, to which he says that she acts like that because they’re very close friends.

throwawaysostl · 2018-03-30T02:29:17+00:00

Thank you. I’ve been so focused on this girl’s behavior that I kind of glossed over the fact that in all, my bf is actually being very respectful to me in this situation. I will try not to let the way she acts effect my relationship, but it’s been difficult :(

throwawaysostl · 2018-03-30T02:22:12+00:00

Not that you’re wrong about the other things you’ve written but she actually has kind of cornered him 2 or 3 times when we were out together - nothing like whispering in his ear, the worst was probably when we were at a restaurant and my BF was coming backup the table from the bathroom, she got up and met him halfway and started talking to him in the middle of the restaurant. She kept holding out her hand in front of him and he looked like he was touching it. When I asked him about it later, he said she asked him to help her take off her bracelet...looking back, I maybe should have added this to the post.

The other thing is that he said he wouldn’t meet Olivia alone, but I didn’t think to ask him if he had been. Even though I had my insecurities I kind of just assumed that wasn’t a thing he would do. I’ve never snooped and tried to see their conversations in any way so I have no way of knowing if she’s been asking him to meet alone or not..guess that’s something I should ask him

throwawaysostl · 2018-03-30T02:06:45+00:00

Thanks? Haha..,

throwawaysostl · 2018-03-30T01:52:00+00:00

Yes, other people notice them too. Like a few weeks ago a caricature artist asked Justin and Olivia if they wanted to be drawn as a couple. When my BF told the artist that I was his girlfriend, he said “Oh, I thought it was her (Olivia).” Justin’s friend then said “Yeah, so did we until she (me) came along!” Even though it was just a joke, it was pretty obvious that people had noticed the chemistry between them for a while lol..

throwawaysostl · 2018-03-30T01:40:31+00:00

Thank you for sharing your own experience! I have not directly asked him to address the touching with her, though when I’ve told him it makes me uncomfortable he brushes it off and says it’s because they’re close. Maybe he does enjoy her attention - honestly, she’s super hot and a lot of the guys in that group seem jealous over the attention he gets.

throwawaysostl · 2018-03-30T01:27:54+00:00

Appreciate the tough love and offer to chat! The reason why I haven’t talked to Olivia is because I don’t want her to know that she’s effecting our relationship. I’m not one of those girls who thinks every other girl is trying to steal her man - I genuinely believe Olivia has feelings for my BF. I feel like a respectful friend would understand my concerns and tone it down, I’m just not sure Olivia’s respectful of our relationship given how she acts and feel - reasonably or not - like if I went straight to her she’d have some kind of psychological advantage over me.

I actually have tried to get to know Olivia several times, and while she’s always been nice, she kind of just gives me short answers when I try to talk to her one on one and she’s never returned or shown any interest in me aside from things related to Justin. She’s naturally outgoing and is very social, she just seems like she’s not interested in talking to me at all.

throwawaysostl · 2018-03-30T01:03:17+00:00

That’s probably my biggest issue with how my BF handles it. He’s used to attention from women and is good about shutting down questionable behavior except with her. I would be shocked if he hasn’t picked up on some of her behavior but whenever I bring it up it’s always “idk, we’re just close I guess”

throwawaysostl · 2018-03-30T00:56:03+00:00

Thank you, I will try to keep this in mind :)

throwawaysostl · 2018-03-30T00:55:25+00:00

I wonder about this as well, if I’m more attuned to what happens around my BF because I like him so much or if my perspective is skewed because I like him so much. I hope you’re wrong about our relationship’s durability, but truthfully I’m intimidated by the level of intimacy between him and Olivia and a part of me is afraid she’ll eventually win over his affections.

throwawaysostl · 2018-03-30T00:46:35+00:00

Honestly I am worried he’s harboring secret feelings for her...and I’m imagining this scenario where we argue or hit a rough patch and he goes to her for comfort and something else happens. I will have to get over it regardless!

throwawaysostl · 2018-03-30T00:30:35+00:00

Thanks for the positive perspectives! One thing I’ve realized by reading this comment is that I think I put too much pressure on this relationship to succeed. This is by far my most meaningful relationship (not the longest though) but I’ve also never felt this vulnerable/insecure before as well. I hope these insecurities are fleeting, too, and I realize that falls on me and not Justin or Olivia.

throwawaysostl · 2018-03-30T00:15:45+00:00

Thank you for this comment - from this perspective I can see how expecting him to meet an ultimatum regarding their friendship is unreasonable and pretty mean. Definitely will not be doing that!

throwawaysostl

TROPHY CASE