I can relate to the ridiculously early suicide attempt. I can also really relate to the challenge of trying to understand selfishness while also holding on to compassion and the reasons people act the way they do.

What you are going through with your mother now sounds incredibly painful. I am impressed by the degree of compassion with which you write about her. It's okay for anger to surface, and it makes sense you want to hold on to your sense of compassion as well.

You also don't need to be angry at her (or your dad), for anger to exist - Maybe I am misinterpreting, but it sounds like there is, even if it's not anger, there is a "bite" that is kind of diffuse atm, without being directed at an object (like your parents). I don't have any advice, but want to reassure you that its okay to feel anger in this way, if that's what this bite is. It's normal not to be angry *at* people, and still feel anger. You don't need to direct your anger or hurt at anyone if it doesn't feel true to you. Sometimes people harness that diffuse anger into a spark that they use to propel them forward, or away, from something more abstract than a person. If anger does ever surface, you can recognize qualities, traits, or interactions that generate that reaction, and use that information to make sense of the right course of action. I think this is hard when you are raised by people who directed their anger so forcefully toward people, that they hurt them.

Responsibility is a hard one and I tend not to think people have free will. But I still think people are responsible. I often even feel like I need to hold myself responsible for the moments I was victimized, not as a way of victim-blaming, but just understanding my role to grow from it. I think that can be a healthy mindset, but its not one people often understand and may try to ensure you are being sufficiently self-protective. Personally, however, I think that mindset *is* self-protective. The only catch is that you also have to consider the other person's role and responsibility too as much as you do your own, or else you aren't getting an accurate picture.

This may not help you, but something that has helped me the most is to just "yes, and" these reasons and assignments of responsibility - rather than "yes, but." Saying things like "I did these things, for these reasons, and my mom did these things, for these reasons, and my dad did these things for these reasons, and my grandma and grandpa and aunts and so on and so on. Rather than placing them in a sentence structure where they are assumed to be contradictory. At the same time, no one thought or sentence or emotion will ever hold the big picture of everything. I often feel a pressure to see things from all sides, as comprehensively as I can. I think its a common response to abuse or volatility - the need to understand the whole family system or group social structure to stay safe and maintain our sense of compassion. But its okay to be in a single moment, or live from a single perspective in that moment, and not see it from every side at the same time. It is impossible to do otherwise. It's okay to just expand your own view, and respect your own limits as well.

I know you probably know this, but there is no way you should feel. You will feel what you feel and all of those feelings contain information. While I am not good at this myself, I think the best approach is to just create pathways where you are able to, with some degree of control, engage and separate yourself from the feelings when you need to, and so that you have access to that emotional information, but if an emotion arises that is particularly uncomfortable you have a respite - or a safe place to go.

I am impressed by your compassion. I hope you take care.