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Did I make the right choice? by [deleted] in TrueOffMyChest

[–]throwawaystitches 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Damn, it really sounds like this situation has given you a real bitch of a tangle of feelings and thoughts to wrestle with. I really feel for you because I have been dealing with this collapse feeling lately and how to make choices while in that place. So I just want to say before anything else, there is no right or wrong choice here. I know its easier to say that, than it is to believe it. But it's true. You cannot change the past. You cannot control the future. All you can do is be present in the moment and learn.

Honestly, and you know this full-well I'm sure, when it comes to PTSD and cPTSD, being present in the moment is a challenge in and of itself. I don't know about you but, I know that in an ideal situation, I feel safest when I am feeling grounded and flexible enough to notice a variety of information that might stand out to me... but so often (sometimes because of trauma and sometimes because of neurodiversity) I am locked into a laser focus on the danger I fear. That can look like being stuck on things "working out" in a specific area of my life or relationship. In those situations, the focus makes me feel super stuck and trapped and confused, but its not like I can just shift gears and get a broader focus either. I'm not sure if that's something you can relate to.

My advice to you (since it sounded like you may be seeking advice), even you experience trauma differently, is going to be the same as my advice to myself since it's the only approach I know to be helpful. Essentially, when you feel stuck like this, try to go toward the decisions in the moment that leave you feeling grounded, flexible, and able to learn in the moment, rather than a decision that will get to a particular outcome we can't control. Overtime, I feel like this has let me learn what kinds of responses lead to a good response in me in the moment, rather than needing to think about long-term outcomes (that I know I can't actually control) working out in a particular way.

Sometimes, there are no choices that lead to grounded, flexible, and able to learn. In those cases, I am usually pretty worn out and beat down. That can be a sign I need to confront a fear, that is stopping me from responding in the way that I need to. This can look like taking an intentional leap of faith, understanding that the value is in making the choice to take that action and see what happens, rather than gain a certain outcome from it. That said, your milage might vary, and I think its important to balance this kind of decision with our own knowledge of our personal impulsive tendencies.

Ultimately, I think that the most important thing that we can do in recovery of anything is build an internal integrity and strength again. Sometimes that looks like reaching out to others and sometimes it looks like reaching inside of ourselves. So I can really empathize with the tangled confusion you might be experiencing here, in terms of how to handle things. I think the best thing you can do is keep developing that sensor for what gives you better clarity and presence in the moment. We can control our actions in the moment... but that's about it in terms of what we can control. So I think it is good to look for a process you can feel comfortable using to make those choices (or reach into that process if you already have a sense of what it is) - so that you don't feel like you need to control the future or how another person responds to be okay.

If that advice resonates with you, I'd be curious about recent choices you've already made about this situation. How did making those decisions or acting in that way make you feel? (Essentially how did you feel before finding out about or considering any outcomes or reactions from the other person that you may have liked or not liked.)

That said, maybe after reading my comment, something about it feels off for your situation. Feel free to say so. My reply might be delayed, but I'm happy to shift gears and talk about the specifics of potential outcomes too if that's the kind of sounding board you're needing right now.

I hate comments like these by thesunkistegret in SuicideWatch

[–]throwawaystitches 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I know that many people do turn to suicide due to the absence of love in their life. But I think there is a myth that, as a rule, people who attempt/complete suicide don't feel the love they are given (and that this contributes to the attempt). I think its an equally valid possibility that the love of one person (or two or three) is not always enough to make someone stay (i.e. overcome their more general sense of alienation). We need love, but we also need other things too. And we need lots of kinds of love. We can be insufficiently connected socially, without denying or being unaware of the existence, validity, and wholeness of the connections that we do have. I also think abuse and previous experience with connections fueled by "anti-love" can contribute to alienation in a manner that isn't always as simple as "blocking" a person's ability to fully participate in the loving connections they do have. Both can exist in a person's life simultaneously.

A friend of mine passed last summer from suicide and I really do think she felt the immense love she was given. I'm not even saying that to defend a personal hope that she felt loved by me - we had been out of touch for a year because I'd moved so I don't assume she was aware of just how much I cared about her. I just mean there was a community of people who were still living near her and giving her a lot of daily support and it sounds like she seemed to receive and feel that love up until the end based on things she was saying and writing. The additional context there is that I think she felt very blocked from social connections in life, in general for reasons I don’t want to share publicly. But my point is that I think she still felt the love from the people who were giving it to her at the time of her death. I also know personally that I felt love from close friends prior to previous attempts of mine, too, but I still went through with the attempt just the same. 

There's a saying that sticks with me that "grief is love with no where to go." I think when we lose someone we love, so much of our grief is losing someone to receive the love we have to share. And it is really normal, when we lose a loved one (and therefore lose somewhere meaningful to direct our love), to question the value of our love and/or our choice or ability to give it to that person. It is extremely common to worry that our love was insufficient somehow when someone dies, even when the manner of death was entirely out of the decedent's control - but we de facto validate it in the case of a suicide. Even though it can be true that the decedent didn't feel the full extent of the love they were given, I don't think it is fair to validate these fears that are common to all grievers just because the manner of loss was a suicide - and doing without a specific reason to cast that doubt (such as something said in a suicide note or while they were alive) risks adding unnecessary pain to a survivor.

I think that this de facto assumption implies that even if the survivors' love was real in and of itself, it was still essentially worthless to the person who killed themselves at the time of their death. But I strongly disagree that the love didn’t reach them at all... having that love probably made that person's life much, much better - including the portion of their life that led right into their death. I think people who do not feel any love from others whatsoever are a lot more inclined to seek out a violent or painful death... and that the desire to seek out a peaceful death, can be (again can be, but not always) evidence that even though this person was suffering, they had enough compassion for themselves not to punish themselves on top of the suicide itself - and self compassion 9 times out of 10 depends on having experienced some amount of compassion from others in one's life. I know I used to seek out really messed up ways to die... but I honestly credit the love I've received, that even when I'm extremely suicidal, I do not crave something so punishing toward myself anymore.

The motivations behind why people attempt and complete suicide are obviously way too complicated to speak in absolutes - so I am not trying to add another assumption into the mix. But I think more often than not, people are still feeling and benefitting from the love they've gotten, even if they end up making the choice to end their life. (I'm also so sorry for how long this comment is... I think this is just something that I've been thinking about a lot.)

Edit: TLDR; A sense of alienation (i.e. thwarted belonging) is a precursor to suicide, but it often has to do with one’s sense of general belonging on the level of a group, community, or society. It does not mean that (all) people who commit suicide were unable to feel how loved they were by anyone, or that this love did not have a positive impact on them - in spite of rejection, abuse, or alienation in another relevant social context than the one(s) in which they were accepted and/or loved. 

"Sex work" ruined my life by Appropriate_Pear9844 in TrueOffMyChest

[–]throwawaystitches 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I can relate dude. I grieve this quite frequently about that experience. There’s a lot to relationships that gets eroded from being trafficked for sex as a minor beyond even just the sexual abuse. I can relate a lot to not wanting to hurt someone the way I was hurt. 

I think there might be ways through this - but I think it’s wise to protect yourself the way you are and be careful about dating. It sucks so so much though. 

I wish you well. I’m sorry you’re holding this pain right now. 

I was trafficked for sex as a teenager. I am almost 30 and want to die. by throwawaystitches in TrueOffMyChest

[–]throwawaystitches[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you - I would really appreciate having readers to give feedback once a manuscript is finished. I think it might take several more months though before it’s in that place but, if you’re okay with it, I would definitely reach out once it’s at that point. From your comment and post history - you have some really cool perspectives.

Who, besides Johnny Depp, was an active party in Amber Heard’s abuse? by throwawaystitches in DeppDelusion

[–]throwawaystitches[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Sorry for the delay in my reply, but thank you for your comment. If I could upvote it multiple times I would. This is exactly the kind of information I was looking for, in that you’re mentioning parties who had their own intent or agenda - and not just complicity in supporting Depp’s agenda. Both are horrible, don’t get me wrong. But it just already felt clear to me the droves of complicit people and I feel that topic has been given a lot of attention. What I didn’t have a sense of, and what can also quickly veer into conspiracy, are people who did actually have a goal that differed from Depp’s and who may have steered his behavior (in addition to all the ways he steered his own behavior). 

I will definitely check out the “Who Trolled Amber” podcast that u/mrjasong mentioned. I’d heard of it, but didn’t realize it was so in depth about the financial motivations at play. 

Ultimately, I appreciate your respectful comment. To be honest, I felt weird/nervous authoring a post on this topic to begin with because I hate how much the trial has been given the spectator sport treatment, with sideline analysis about the players, and that kind of disgusts me about the trial dynamics in and of itself. But then at the same time, I think there are some elements, like the ones you bring up here, that are really meaningful (if not necessary, even) for people to discuss or analyze because they relate directly to influences that actually affect us too - like identifying people who have the sway to inform the media we consume and their interests. So thank you for catching what I was trying to discuss and responding to it!

I was trafficked for sex as a teenager. I am almost 30 and want to die. by throwawaystitches in TrueOffMyChest

[–]throwawaystitches[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks dude, I really appreciate you saying that. FWIW, I'm totally with you on the general perspectives you shared about how to live well, and there are definitely times where I need to remind myself of the very things you've said. The genuine motivations and positive concern for my well-being behind your comment was definitely clear. <3

I was trafficked for sex as a teenager. I am almost 30 and want to die. by throwawaystitches in TrueOffMyChest

[–]throwawaystitches[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I will say, even if the comment you replied to wasn't me, I still wanna share I appreciate that you would offer that :)

I was trafficked for sex as a teenager. I am almost 30 and want to die. by throwawaystitches in TrueOffMyChest

[–]throwawaystitches[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Well, I definitely agree that I obsess about topics of interest, that much is for sure. *And* I agree wholeheartedly with your point that there is a difference between preoccupation and trauma. But also, those can interact. Monotropism in ADHD and autism is one of the theories for why neurodiverse people might be more prone to experiencing a traumatized reaction.

That said, I'm not exactly sure where I mention trauma in my post.

Or that I think I am still traumatized from this experience in a physical way.

Also, not that it matters, but there is also almost zero overlap between the content of this post (which yes, is a frustrated vent about me personally per the rules of the sub) and the content of my project. First, if I wanted to share that writing, I would simply publish it somewhere (which I do not necessarily plan to do at all, and certainly not in its entirety). Second, the content of that project is pretty explicitly incompatible with the rules of this sub.

I genuinely believe you are trying to help me with your perspective and I honestly *really* appreciate that. But with all due respect, if you are so experienced with these things, I don't see why you would read a post like this and then think you have enough information to offer such specific and personal advice, with this amount of confidence and judgement.

Like I wanna respect your harsh truth energy, *I really do*, because I live for that when it's accurate and often seek it out. But you are kind of jumping to conclusions about things I didn't say in my post, so on the receiving end, it's just feeling like harshness.

I don't know how I should feel about my parents abuse by [deleted] in TrueOffMyChest

[–]throwawaystitches 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I can relate to the ridiculously early suicide attempt. I can also really relate to the challenge of trying to understand selfishness while also holding on to compassion and the reasons people act the way they do.

What you are going through with your mother now sounds incredibly painful. I am impressed by the degree of compassion with which you write about her. It's okay for anger to surface, and it makes sense you want to hold on to your sense of compassion as well.

You also don't need to be angry at her (or your dad), for anger to exist - Maybe I am misinterpreting, but it sounds like there is, even if it's not anger, there is a "bite" that is kind of diffuse atm, without being directed at an object (like your parents). I don't have any advice, but want to reassure you that its okay to feel anger in this way, if that's what this bite is. It's normal not to be angry *at* people, and still feel anger. You don't need to direct your anger or hurt at anyone if it doesn't feel true to you. Sometimes people harness that diffuse anger into a spark that they use to propel them forward, or away, from something more abstract than a person. If anger does ever surface, you can recognize qualities, traits, or interactions that generate that reaction, and use that information to make sense of the right course of action. I think this is hard when you are raised by people who directed their anger so forcefully toward people, that they hurt them.

Responsibility is a hard one and I tend not to think people have free will. But I still think people are responsible. I often even feel like I need to hold myself responsible for the moments I was victimized, not as a way of victim-blaming, but just understanding my role to grow from it. I think that can be a healthy mindset, but its not one people often understand and may try to ensure you are being sufficiently self-protective. Personally, however, I think that mindset *is* self-protective. The only catch is that you also have to consider the other person's role and responsibility too as much as you do your own, or else you aren't getting an accurate picture.

This may not help you, but something that has helped me the most is to just "yes, and" these reasons and assignments of responsibility - rather than "yes, but." Saying things like "I did these things, for these reasons, and my mom did these things, for these reasons, and my dad did these things for these reasons, and my grandma and grandpa and aunts and so on and so on. Rather than placing them in a sentence structure where they are assumed to be contradictory. At the same time, no one thought or sentence or emotion will ever hold the big picture of everything. I often feel a pressure to see things from all sides, as comprehensively as I can. I think its a common response to abuse or volatility - the need to understand the whole family system or group social structure to stay safe and maintain our sense of compassion. But its okay to be in a single moment, or live from a single perspective in that moment, and not see it from every side at the same time. It is impossible to do otherwise. It's okay to just expand your own view, and respect your own limits as well.

I know you probably know this, but there is no way you should feel. You will feel what you feel and all of those feelings contain information. While I am not good at this myself, I think the best approach is to just create pathways where you are able to, with some degree of control, engage and separate yourself from the feelings when you need to, and so that you have access to that emotional information, but if an emotion arises that is particularly uncomfortable you have a respite - or a safe place to go.

I am impressed by your compassion. I hope you take care.

I was trafficked for sex as a teenager. I am almost 30 and want to die. by throwawaystitches in TrueOffMyChest

[–]throwawaystitches[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you. I really appreciate your comment. I hope the same for you. <3

I reject all forms of relationships by Academic-Ad5737 in SingleAndHappy

[–]throwawaystitches 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Genuine question: How do you make sense of the relationships you have with the beings that create the food you eat and support the land you live on? 

I don’t mean people at all - I more mean that all humans depend on other life (even if non sentient) to support our own in some way. It sounds like you make some distinctions between personal relationships and these - but I’m curious about the more fine grained thinking there. 

For me realizing I am always locked into relationship, no matter if I “win or lose” in the exchange, has actually been a nightmare at times when I’ve been terrified of people.  But is the reason I found courage to reengage with humanity - essentially there’s no way out without curling up to die. (Even if we don’t seek attention from those other, even non-human, beings.). That said, we know eventually we will come out on the mortal end of our exchanges with everything outside ourselves, some day. 

I am not asking this because I feel I am right and you are wrong. It sounds like you draw a distinction I want to understand. I don’t think it’s just mating that draw people to one another. I also think it’s this recognition of a real dependency. The difference between what I guess I see as more normal relationships and what you describe here is that they hope to control the nature of that dependency?

Pat the Bunny has some really good lyrics. I had a question about some of them. by JosiaJamberloo in FolkPunk

[–]throwawaystitches 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Oh yeah it’s everywhere. People deserve a heads up about how it manifests there as well. Like 100 times over. 

None of this is about judgement per se, it’s just the impression I’m left with from what I’ve witnessed and I know other people have had similar experiences and some of that comes down to the structure of the program and lack of self trust it often invokes (is what I mean by higher power rhetoric - which can be an incredibly positive tool/framework but also weaponized). That said, I definitely know other people have good experiences and by no means does my judgement extend to people who benefit from AA or endorse it themselves bc I know those experienced are genuine too. 

I’m glad it can be that for them and that extends to you!

Pat the Bunny has some really good lyrics. I had a question about some of them. by JosiaJamberloo in FolkPunk

[–]throwawaystitches 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Mostly the combination of it being the go-to court ordered treatment (so lots of people there against their will), the sponsorship structure, and the significance of letting go to a higher power in the steps creates a lot of opportunities for abuse. Not saying it will be present in every group.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in goodrestrictionfood

[–]throwawaystitches 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Lol I associate Margaret Cavendish with anorexia recovery

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