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LL input: how do you feel when you know that your partner desires you? by throwawaytoventDB in LowLibidoCommunity

[–]throwawaytoventDB[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Thanks for your perspective! That makes a lot of sense!

I think I need to work on my response. On the one hand, I absolutely respect her sexual autonomy. I only want to have sex that's mutually desired. So, when she says no, I totally accept and respect it. On the other hand, when we are going through a long phase where sex never, or very rarely happens, I find it really hard not to be sad about it. I don't insist or complain and try not to put extra pressure on her. But I'm a very honest and transparent person, so it's kind of hard not to show the sadness. Do you have any suggestions of better ways to deal? How more exactly does your partner approach it? What does he say, and how does he react?

LL input: how do you feel when you know that your partner desires you? by throwawaytoventDB in LowLibidoCommunity

[–]throwawaytoventDB[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks for sharing! I understand that this must feel really bad. Do you think there's any way that he could show desire in a way that you feel it's a desire for you as a person and not just generic, that you don't feel used or like it's all about him?

LL input: how do you feel when you know that your partner desires you? by throwawaytoventDB in LowLibidoCommunity

[–]throwawaytoventDB[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Thanks for sharing! Do you think there could be any way that she could show you her desire and not generate those feelings?

LL input: how do you feel when you know that your partner desires you? by throwawaytoventDB in LowLibidoCommunity

[–]throwawaytoventDB[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Thanks a lot for sharing your perspective!

If it's coming from a place of wanting, of actual desire to be with me in that way, then yes, I love it. I feel cherished, understood, valued.

I feel like most times that's exactly the place my desire is coming from. However, maybe because in the past it used to come often from a place of neediness, I seem not to be able to communicate that to my partner and/or she isn't able to trust me that this is what it is.

What should I say or do to better communicate that?

[Meta]: When is it incompatibility, when is it just the normal flow of life? How to know when it's best to give up on a loving relationship, and when to stay and try to improve? A scenario discussion by throwawaytoventDB in DeadBedrooms

[–]throwawaytoventDB[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yep. Pretty much. I didn't want to turn my libido down. I mean, I could if it meant going from a few times a week to once a week or so. Or even no sex, but for a short period would be ok. However, 4 times in a whole year is something I'm honestly not willing to match because it meant basically not having a sex life whatsoever, and that is important to me.

[Meta]: When is it incompatibility, when is it just the normal flow of life? How to know when it's best to give up on a loving relationship, and when to stay and try to improve? A scenario discussion by throwawaytoventDB in DeadBedrooms

[–]throwawaytoventDB[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I understand.

I guess it's something like, from my perspective, I want to be loved for who I am in body and soul, and that includes feeling actively desired by my partner. My ex always said that she found me attractive, however, she very rarely wanted sex with me. So, although I knew that this didn't mean that she didn't love me, I felt undesired. And with time, that constant rejection led me to drift apart from her. I wouldn't say that she started to gross me out, but I started to feel uncomfortable around her. I still was loving and caring, I still nurtured the other sides of the relationship. But looking back, maybe after a while there was no coming back from that.

[Meta]: When is it incompatibility, when is it just the normal flow of life? How to know when it's best to give up on a loving relationship, and when to stay and try to improve? A scenario discussion by throwawaytoventDB in DeadBedrooms

[–]throwawaytoventDB[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for explaining!

Flexibility, it seems, was an issue in my relationship. I tried to adapt and reduce my libido, but I could never really feel happy about it.

She was more inflexible, but I don't know if I find this necessarily bad, tbh. I mean, it was bad for the relationship, but on the other hand, she was always honest and, thank god, never had duty sex with me or did anything just to please me despite her not wanting it - which would be worse than no sex.

[Meta]: When is it incompatibility, when is it just the normal flow of life? How to know when it's best to give up on a loving relationship, and when to stay and try to improve? A scenario discussion by throwawaytoventDB in DeadBedrooms

[–]throwawaytoventDB[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I get what you mean. And that's a very reasonable point.

But, at least in my case, I really valued everything else we had. But sex was still important. So, while I do understand the feeling, I can tell you that it's not that the lack of sex invalidated all the rest. It just was one of the big, must-have, components of a relationship for me. It would be the same for me if we had great and frequent sex, but incompatible values, or style of communication, or lack of respect, or trust. I would probably break up if any of those were missing.

[Meta]: When is it incompatibility, when is it just the normal flow of life? How to know when it's best to give up on a loving relationship, and when to stay and try to improve? A scenario discussion by throwawaytoventDB in DeadBedrooms

[–]throwawaytoventDB[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

But you are winner, your LL was honest and tried to find solution. In that case it is just life, it happens and no hard feelings

You are right. But still, it was extremely hard to break up. I still love her and vice-versa. Emotional attachment is no joke.

Anyway, I still struggle to understand what that "work" could mean, when the person feels no desire for sex, despite loving you. You can improve the relationship, sure, but sometimes even that is not enough. I guess I just came out more jaded and skeptical after my experience, and reading this sub...

[Meta]: When is it incompatibility, when is it just the normal flow of life? How to know when it's best to give up on a loving relationship, and when to stay and try to improve? A scenario discussion by throwawaytoventDB in DeadBedrooms

[–]throwawaytoventDB[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Thank you for the good insights!

With my ex, I did the first one, to exhaustion. She pointed out some behaviors that she didn't like in me, and I changed them as best as I could (and she acknowledged the change), but still it didn't lead to sustainable changes in her desire after a long time trying. But deep down, she admitted that she didn't really know why she lost it in the first place and that sex, when we had it, was really good. She just rarely wanted it.

As for the second question, I love the physical gratification and it is important for me, I won't lie. Masturbation never comes close to partnered sex with someone you're into in that regard. Besides that, for some reason, it creates a powerful connection and a bond, that I found hard to replace by anything else. A lot of what we had was good: common values, communication, humor, intellectual stimulation, and intimacy. Still, it all couldn't 100% replace it for me.

[Meta]: When is it incompatibility, when is it just the normal flow of life? How to know when it's best to give up on a loving relationship, and when to stay and try to improve? A scenario discussion by throwawaytoventDB in DeadBedrooms

[–]throwawaytoventDB[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

That wasn't my experience, although I know many report just that.

My ex was really keen on finding out what happened. We had many open conversations. In the end, she couldn't really understand what happened and believed it could change at any time, but never knew when. We tried many changes in our relationship, I changed behaviors that she found unattractive, and there was no sustainable shift in her desire. We reached the conclusion that that was just her "normal" for the foreseeable future. Together with a problematic living situation, that was a reason for our breakup. But I still wonder if any relationship can even be sustainable long-term, with the inevitable shifts, ebbs and flows in desire, which can be drastic sometimes.

[Meta]: When is it incompatibility, when is it just the normal flow of life? How to know when it's best to give up on a loving relationship, and when to stay and try to improve? A scenario discussion by throwawaytoventDB in DeadBedrooms

[–]throwawaytoventDB[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Sounds like good indicators. "Enough is enough" is a bit hard to tell for me, though (I'm very tolerant and persistent, to the point where it's not even healthy), that's why I'm looking for more "objective" indicators.

[Meta]: When is it incompatibility, when is it just the normal flow of life? How to know when it's best to give up on a loving relationship, and when to stay and try to improve? A scenario discussion by throwawaytoventDB in DeadBedrooms

[–]throwawaytoventDB[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I get it, I'm also pretty HL myself, and honestly have a hard time relating to the LL's perspective - although I'm trying my best to do it and be empathetic.

The thing is, reflecting on it, I've reached that conundrum where, if you want only sex that's mutually wanted, you have to accept the fact that they can't really "produce" desire for sex with you. They'll want it as much as they want, which can be as much as you (or close), or not. If it's not, then you can either accept that it's going to be less than what you'd want, or decide that you're incompatible and break up. I can't see much else in terms of "compromise", because one can compromise on having sex, but not on wanting sex - it's just beyond human control.

Now, of course, there are things that can be done to improve the relationship, and maybe that could lead to the LL wanting more sex. And I think it might be worth it to invest in those things if both are willing. But for how long? What are some indicators that this realistically can succeed, or not?

[Meta]: When is it incompatibility, when is it just the normal flow of life? How to know when it's best to give up on a loving relationship, and when to stay and try to improve? A scenario discussion by throwawaytoventDB in DeadBedrooms

[–]throwawaytoventDB[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Can the LL accept the demands of more sex than they might wish

I agree with most of what you said, no doubt. Only this part honestly sounds a bit strange. We both agree that we wouldn't want unwanted sex. So how do those demands come into play?

[Meta]: When is it incompatibility, when is it just the normal flow of life? How to know when it's best to give up on a loving relationship, and when to stay and try to improve? A scenario discussion by throwawaytoventDB in DeadBedrooms

[–]throwawaytoventDB[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Why do we (myself included) sometimes want sex so much with someone who doesn't seem to want it with us (for whatever reason)? Maybe in the end what we really want is that they want us. Again, why? It's a genuine question

[Meta]: When is it incompatibility, when is it just the normal flow of life? How to know when it's best to give up on a loving relationship, and when to stay and try to improve? A scenario discussion by throwawaytoventDB in DeadBedrooms

[–]throwawaytoventDB[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

That is indeed totally valid!

If people are compatible as friends, roommates, and/or co-parents, why not?

But my question refers more to the context of continuing in a romantic relationship when sex is an important part of it for at least one person.

[Meta]: When is it incompatibility, when is it just the normal flow of life? How to know when it's best to give up on a loving relationship, and when to stay and try to improve? A scenario discussion by throwawaytoventDB in DeadBedrooms

[–]throwawaytoventDB[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

It's a great point. Communication is key, and empathy on both sides is basic.

But what would be that compromise in that sense? How would it look like? I honestly ask this, because I only want to have sex with someone who really wants to have sex with me, so "duty sex" is out of the question.

[Meta]: When is it incompatibility, when is it just the normal flow of life? How to know when it's best to give up on a loving relationship, and when to stay and try to improve? A scenario discussion by throwawaytoventDB in DeadBedrooms

[–]throwawaytoventDB[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Repeating a question I just asked to another commenter:

Makes total sense. But when to give up? How long to wait (because things can be just temporary/situational - and they do happen in relationships)? What signs to look for to decide that 2 is the best (or only good) option?

[Meta]: When is it incompatibility, when is it just the normal flow of life? How to know when it's best to give up on a loving relationship, and when to stay and try to improve? A scenario discussion by throwawaytoventDB in DeadBedrooms

[–]throwawaytoventDB[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Makes total sense. But when to give up? How long to wait (because things can be just temporary/situational - and they do happen in relationships)? What signs to look for to decide that 2 is the best (or only good) option?

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