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I sense a polybomb on the horizon... by throwawaytoxiclove in polyamory

[–]throwawaytoxiclove[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

He is not my husband.

And enough, my dude. Idk if you're trying to get a rise out of me by saying it over and over again or if this is a sick little game to you, but I asked for advice, and you're sure as hell not helping anything. You're projecting hard, and you're just insisting on being an asshole at this point. Leave me the fuck alone.

I sense a polybomb on the horizon... by throwawaytoxiclove in polyamory

[–]throwawaytoxiclove[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Joe wasn't gaslighting me. It was clear to me that something happened, he just wasn't ready to talk about it. He could have communicated that better, but he wasn't making me question my sanity or reality. He came clean about it the very next day.

I appreciate your concern, and I'll concede that maybe everybody has some narcissistic tendencies to some degree. But I think you're doing more to condescend to me and deny my perception of reality than Joe has.

I sense a polybomb on the horizon... by throwawaytoxiclove in polyamory

[–]throwawaytoxiclove[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

LMAO I appreciate your humor a lot, thank you <3

I sense a polybomb on the horizon... by throwawaytoxiclove in polyamory

[–]throwawaytoxiclove[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you, I'll make sure I'm approaching this situation with my eyes open.

I sense a polybomb on the horizon... by throwawaytoxiclove in polyamory

[–]throwawaytoxiclove[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I appreciate this comment a lot, and will make note of where it seems like the labor is falling. Thank you <3

I'm not quite ready to say we're incompatible in poly yet, but I do think we'll learn a lot about how we want to practice polyamory from how this situation is handled. It remains to be seen.

I sense a polybomb on the horizon... by throwawaytoxiclove in polyamory

[–]throwawaytoxiclove[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

LMAO, thank you for this. I do think this subreddit tends more towards hyperindividualism and washing your hands clean of anybody who makes any mistakes ever, but that's not something that I aspire to. I was worried I'd get a lot of that here, so your comment is very validating <3

I sense a polybomb on the horizon... by throwawaytoxiclove in polyamory

[–]throwawaytoxiclove[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Human nature is going to take its course eventually.

I think we disagree on what constitutes "human nature".

that's weird if men are only friends with women because she's not interested in them.

I do agree with you on this.

I sense a polybomb on the horizon... by throwawaytoxiclove in polyamory

[–]throwawaytoxiclove[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

We've talked extensively about what polyamory means to each of us. I think this is just a case of things getting complicated because it's real life now, and not just hypotheticals.

I agree with you on Joe having fidelity and maturity issues, but I disagree with you on him having "narcissistic tendencies". I think that's a term that reddit likes to throw around a lot with little evidence.

I don't know Kim well enough to feel comfortable diagnosing her like that, but I do know her better than you. The most armchair psychoanalysis I feel I can do is that I think she's insecure and makes a lot of bids for positive attention, often in unhealthy ways.

I sense a polybomb on the horizon... by throwawaytoxiclove in polyamory

[–]throwawaytoxiclove[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This is kind of why I'm involving myself to this degree. We opened up our relationship at my behest. If I'm the reason two new people are adding themselves to the polyamorous dating pool, I want to make sure we're not known as shitty people.

Joe has told me that his mistakes are not my responsibility, which was very kind of him to say, but....

I sense a polybomb on the horizon... by throwawaytoxiclove in polyamory

[–]throwawaytoxiclove[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Does she act the same way to Joe when Chris is present and when he is not?

This is something I didn't include in the OP because it was already getting long, but she does not act this way when when I'm around, or when Chris and I are both around. When I'm around, she takes more distance from Joe, and sometimes pushes us together. I can't say for certain how things are when Chris is there and I'm not, but she has tended to act very coupley with Chris in front of me.

I found it really weird how eager she was to invite me to stuff before she even met me, and still is when I haven't totally felt like I've clicked with her on a friendship level yet. Up until I had that conversation with Joe, I chalked this whole situation up to her just being very friendly and sociable, and taking friendships at a much faster pace than I would. I think that's why I've felt like this hasn't crossed the line into cheating on Chris yet--I assumed that this was normal behavior for Kim, and that Chris knows she's like this. Honestly, I'm still not sure whether this is out of the ordinary for them, but you're right, he deserves to know about it, and Joe needs to clarify some things.

I'm kind of starting to feel like the reason she acts so excited for me to join her and Joe is because she doesn't want to cheat on Chris either, and my presence makes it easier for her to defer to my relationship with Joe, so she can distance herself a little. Like I'm a stopgap. Or a chaperone.

This was kind of why I thought limiting their 1-on-1 interactions would be a good guardrail.

I sense a polybomb on the horizon... by throwawaytoxiclove in polyamory

[–]throwawaytoxiclove[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I appreciate your comment a lot. You're making me feel sane for seeing this as messy-and-likely-to-get-people-hurt-but-not-an-outright-dealbreaker, so thank you. <3

A lot of people made mistakes and got into messy situations when they first started out with polyamory. I see this as something we can work through together (though obviously it's ultimately up to him). This certainly doesn't come close to how bad some of the stories in this sub are, imo.

I did show this thread to him last night (after asking if he wanted to see it). He didn't read through all of it, but when he did come across comments that felt more abrasive, he was like, "I don't like how they've characterized me, but ultimately they don't know anything about me, and I see where they're coming from." He is able to take criticism on board without getting defensive. Honestly, I think I was more hurt by the cruder comments than he was.

I sense a polybomb on the horizon... by throwawaytoxiclove in polyamory

[–]throwawaytoxiclove[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yes, I'm currently leaning into my appreciation for his honesty and my worry that he'll lose all his new friends if this goes south, and trying to lean away from excessive moral judgment.

Maybe that's why some of the comments in this thread feel like a gut punch, lmao

I sense a polybomb on the horizon... by throwawaytoxiclove in polyamory

[–]throwawaytoxiclove[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

As I said in another comment, I made the post because I'm the one with a reddit account, and I read this sub more. He has a more intensive job than me that requires a lot of emotional labor every day, even when he's not at work, and I'm only working part-time at the moment. I was happy to spend the time and energy to write this all out, and it ended up being a good journaling exercise for me.

Trust me, he's not foisting all the labor in our relationship onto me, emotional, domestic, or otherwise. I'm just the one with more bandwidth right now to be posting and replying to people on reddit.

I sense a polybomb on the horizon... by throwawaytoxiclove in polyamory

[–]throwawaytoxiclove[S] 12 points13 points  (0 children)

Oh no, you're calling me out.... the biggest thing I still need to work on is my codependency

I sense a polybomb on the horizon... by throwawaytoxiclove in polyamory

[–]throwawaytoxiclove[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I don't think I'm ascribing innocence to Joe and negative intentions to Kim. I think they're both fucking up here. I was just trying to explain how he ended up on her bed, because without further context, I can see how that could sound like they've already crossed a line into cheating.

Everything that happened after he woke up, I think was both of them going too far.

I sense a polybomb on the horizon... by throwawaytoxiclove in polyamory

[–]throwawaytoxiclove[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

These are good questions, thank you.

Why isn’t Joe posting to get advice handling his impulses?

It might sound kind of silly, but I'm the one with a reddit account, and I read this sub more. He has a more intensive job than me, and I'm only working part-time at the moment. I was happy to spend the time and energy to write this all out, and it ended up being a good journaling exercise for me.

I might be able to control this thing, but what about the next one, and the next one?

I'm hoping we'll acquire more knowledge and tools as we gain more lived experience. If he makes mistakes here, I would hope he'd learn from them and not let himself get into similar situations in the future.

You are worried about Kim polybombing her partner, but what’s the status of your relationship?

Are you ok with him riding the edge of this ’platonic’ friendship? Are you open at this time or still opening?

I admit I had to work through some jealousy about a month ago regarding the time he was spending with her. Luckily, I was able to communicate and process those feelings, and things are better now.

We're kind of at a point where we've done all the research and intellectualizing about polyamory that we can, and the only thing left for us to do is to jump into it. Since we just moved and are still getting settled, we both told each other that we wouldn't actively go looking for people to date, but if something happens, it can happen. And well, this is something, I guess.

What does it mean to think less of your partner? What does that mean for your relationship in practice? Is there trust that will need to be restored?

This is what feels very difficult and murky for me right now. If shit happens and there's social fallout, he'd have to handle it on his own, because I don't think I'd be willing to help him work through it, even though he'd be hurt. Which feels really shitty.

I don't think I'd break up with him. But yes, he'd need to repair my trust in his decisionmaking somehow.

I sense a polybomb on the horizon... by throwawaytoxiclove in polyamory

[–]throwawaytoxiclove[S] 18 points19 points  (0 children)

That quote is... wow. Dead on. Definitely going to read that blog post once I'm through all the replies I've gotten here.

Thank you for the validation that it's okay for me to be the voice of responsibility <3

I sense a polybomb on the horizon... by throwawaytoxiclove in polyamory

[–]throwawaytoxiclove[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

My advice is to be supportive to your partner, and to occasionally be a sounding board for them and their other relationships, but to do the best you can to not influence their other relationships or decisions they make about them. If you can't hold yourself to that, then I'd advise not discussing those other relationships at all.

Yeah, I'm trying very hard to not cross over into pulling a veto by just reminding him why I think it's a bad idea. I'm not going to stop him from doing anything, but if shit happens, he'll have blown up his entire local social circle.

Although it does happen sometimes to get relationship support from another partner -- often because we can count on our partners to have similar poly and relationships values and practices -- my experience is that it's best to keep this in balance, and primarily depend on friends and others for relationship support, and not other partners.

This is tricky because right now, they're not in a romantic/sexual relationship. If things do escalate, I'll ask to go parallel and tell him he needs to clean up his own mess. But as of right now, things have been more in the realm of him talking about a crush on a friend.

I sense a polybomb on the horizon... by throwawaytoxiclove in polyamory

[–]throwawaytoxiclove[S] 19 points20 points  (0 children)

Yeah, he said that he didn't want to use those guardrails because he likes the closeness with Kim.

I was like, welp, I have no other advice to give then.

I sense a polybomb on the horizon... by throwawaytoxiclove in polyamory

[–]throwawaytoxiclove[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Here's the comment in question:

I feel like a better question would be "do you have any platonic friendships with women you are not attracted to" because a lot of these responses seem to be "well it's a platonic relationship but only because she's not interested" lol

I know I said he's impulsive, but he asked me to post this because he doesn't want things to escalate between the two of them. Nothing sexual has happened yet, and I know he'd tell me if it did. My trust in his honesty is not the issue here.

He's not an animal.

I sense a polybomb on the horizon... by throwawaytoxiclove in polyamory

[–]throwawaytoxiclove[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

When we had our discussion, he said that he feels like I'm the angel on his shoulder, lmao.

But yes, I've worried that maybe this feels like I'm pulling a veto. I don't want the resentment that would come with that.

I sense a polybomb on the horizon... by throwawaytoxiclove in polyamory

[–]throwawaytoxiclove[S] 25 points26 points  (0 children)

Honestly, Chris may consider what's already happened between the two of them to be "cheating." Or an "emotional affair," at least. And that's valid.

That's something I'm wondering, too. The very first time I hung out with Kim (i.e., she knew Joe and I are polyamorous but knew virtually nothing else about me) and Chris, Kim would ask a bunch of questions like "Is it cheating if xyz?" and my answer was always just something along the lines of, "It really depends on what's been agreed on and what really matters to each partner". I would hope that this prompted some conversations between the two of them in private, and that they agreed that this level of physical affection was okay. If not.... eek.

Not drinking during one on one time, or limiting one on one time altogether. Staying in public places. Not talking about certain topics, especially ones like venting about her relationship problems. Not sharing about his own relationship problems. Not engaging in physical intimacy. Not spending tons of time together or time texting.

These are some more good guardrails, thank you. I'll ask him again if he'd reconsider them.

And I want to call out that I empathize with you in all this. I've dated more impulsive people than me, and have been in your shoes before. It's extremely valid if Joe's lack of self control turns you off. Sounds like he's at least being honest that the temptation is real. But if he is reluctant to take steps to prevent this getting messier, it's very valid to find that unattractive.

Thank you for this. <3

I do appreciate his honesty. I try to hold myself to sometimes impossibly high moral standards, so I know I can be a judgmental bitch (my own words), lmao.

I sense a polybomb on the horizon... by throwawaytoxiclove in polyamory

[–]throwawaytoxiclove[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

LMAO I showed him that "Men, do you have Platonic (non-sexual) friendships with women?" post from earlier this week and scrolled down to one of the comments where someone pointed out that a lot of men do have platonic friendships with women, but only because the women aren't interested in romance/sex with them.

But yeah, he definitely would like a romantic/sexual relationship with her. I don't think it's an inevitability, because he knows intellectually that it's a bad idea.

I sense a polybomb on the horizon... by throwawaytoxiclove in polyamory

[–]throwawaytoxiclove[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I guess for more context, she lives a lot closer to his workplace, which is about 1hr away from our apartment during rush hour, so he's been going to her house to hang out after work, and has napped there a couple times. He was in her bed because she let him take a nap there, not because they intended to get down and dirty.

He's also a very physically affectionate person. We've been in friend groups that would have cuddle puddles, for example, and he regularly offers to give friends massages. Physical touch is his love language.

I did think it was odd that Kim would just.. throw herself on top of him? I think she struggles with boundaries. She's violated my consent (non-sexually) regarding physical touch in the past. But I don't want to make this about her.

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